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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick and tired of stupid birthday guessing games / night out spoiled

63 replies

NightOut · 15/04/2012 01:42

Rant warning - annoyed with mother but need to check how U I am. She is probably correct but AIBU to wish she hadn't spoiled my one night out by wanting to discuss it at midnight?

History is that my mum is very weird about birthdays - some years presents are ok, other years presents are the worst idea ever etc. Literally she would put them away in a cupboard and "never mention them again". We don't communicate well at the best of times so hard to know year on year. I was going to keep it low key this year, just make a card from the DCs.

Then I was bedridden on antibiotics for the week before and wasn't doing crafts, just trying to walk up the stairs without fainting. Got DS to phone up on the day and I have bought a card but a week after her birthday haven't given it yet, was still hoping to make one. This is where DH said to me "well you f*ed up there then".

Turns out this was a year I should have known psychically to give lots of presents and cards. We saw my parents 2nite when they came to babysit as we had to go to a family birthday meal (other family on DH's side). I am now well enough to go out so yes, should have sorted out her birthday stuff this morning but didn't - still shattered from being ill + catching up on all the things that get left like laundry. When we came home from the restaurant (had nice time, never usually have evenings out as have 2 preschoolers) said thanks for babysitting etc, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Then get a speech "before I go I think you should have done something for my birthday, bought a card from DCs at least".

I apologised but didn't say loads as didn't want to argue late at night. Knew whatever i said would be wrong. DH saw them to the door then said to me "what are we going to do now? I have had to deal with that and it's your fault, you just have to suck it up and sort it out? Do we get a special present to say sorry?" On and on before he went to bed annoyed I didn't have an instant answer. AIBU to be annoyed this was brought up for discussion at midnight and that this birthday has become yet another one where I did the wrong thing?

OP posts:

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 15/04/2012 10:26

There's not 'birthday guessing game' here. For whatever reason, you didn't bother with your mother's birthday. And regardless of the way she sometimes receives your offerings, you SHOULD bloody bother with the birthday of your mother.

Lindax · 15/04/2012 10:26

I wouldn't have got dh to sort out a card and a pressie - my mum would want the
card/pressie/lunch out or whatever from me (she gets on great with dh but I am her daughter).

Did you actually speak to your mum on/around the day of her birthday about her birthday? Even a quick "happy birthday, I'm really ill so sorry havent sorted anything out for you but we will do something for you when I'm feeling better?", then follow it up?

If not YABU.

QuietTiger · 15/04/2012 10:28

Your mother does sound a little odd about turning her birthday into a minefield, but you have my sympathy because my grandma is the same. Every year, she says she doesn't want a fuss, every year, if you don't make a fuss she is upset and hurt, so I've solved the problem by having flowers delivered and sending a card. All ordered on the internet in about 15 minutes flat at my convenience

For next year, for a card, "Moonpig" is your friend. :) Arrange the card few weeks in advance or when ever you remember, i.e. at 3am like me and then forget about it because the card will be delivered. Same with flowers - order them from somewhere like M&S online in advance, and then forget about it.

You will be in the "moral right" because you didn't forget and if your mother moans, she's just being a sour faced old trout.

Blatherskite · 15/04/2012 10:32

You were NBU until you had her over to babysit so you could go out for someone else's birthday.

Too poorly to make a card - fine.

Well enough to go out for someone else's but still fail to even write in her card - not.

As other's have said, Moonpig/Clintons/Hallmark etc will all print and send cards next day - festooned with photos of the DC if you like. It's not the cheapest way of doing it but it's quick and can be done from the sofa on a laptop.

Most flower companies will deliver chocs/teddies/personal messages along with a bouquet too.

Or, your DH could have bought and delivered something.

There's loads you could have done but didn't bother and yet you still expected her to babysit. She might be a loon but I think you are actually in the wrong this time, sorry.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/04/2012 10:53

I don't understand this. You were too ill to do anything yet YOU get the blame on not sorting out card? Why the fuck didn't your husband sort it out for you? Incapable is he?

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2012 11:22

What Blatherskite said.

And if I was your mum I would have been hurt too.

Probably best you leave it a while before asking any more favours...

lunamoon · 15/04/2012 11:27

I also think that if you are well enough to go on a night out, and ask your mum to babysit, then you are well enough to sort out a birthday card.
Why didn't you ask your dh to get one?

knackeredmother · 15/04/2012 11:32

YABU I would be really upset to not have my birthday acknowledged by my daughter, especially if she then asks me to babysit for her.

2shoes · 15/04/2012 11:39

yabu
your mum babysat for you so she must be a good one.
yet you didn't vene bother to send her a card....
yikes

RabidAnchovy · 15/04/2012 11:41

There was no hardship in you getting your DH to get her a card for you to write on and then stick in the post box for you.

I can see her point, you are well enough to go out for someone else's birthday and cheeky enough to have her babysit, but you could not make the effort to get a card to your own mother for her birthday, quite shameful of you really

Kayano · 15/04/2012 11:43

It's such bad form to not give a card on the actual day! Your DH was spot on in his analysis

GinPalace · 15/04/2012 11:43

So you bought her a card, but, a week after her birthday she was non-the-wiser about it and deep down you were hoping to make one cos you hadn't had chance yet. You don't say you explained all this to her so I am assuming you didn't.

She was upset and spoke to you about it at first (and possibly only) opportunity she had to do it face to face - which is more than you did it seems!!

Sorry - but even if your Mum has form for being a bit 'weird' over your efforts at her birthday, I think your communication over this situation has been a bit rubbish, and therefore even though your illness derailed your plans understandably, you have pretty much created the upset needlessly - she isn't a mind reader is she?

And your hubby seems rather out of order giving you grief when he hasn't stepped into the breach.

Tucking unwanted pressys away is one thing, but she can't be all bad if she helps you get out for an evening, so she should have had a card at least, or at least be told the kerfuffle you have had which caused the lack of one!!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 15/04/2012 11:44

You should have sorted a card. No one is left feeling hurt if the laundry isn't done, but it is easy to feel hurt that your birthday has been forgotten by the daughter that you babysit for. You only have yourself to blame.

waltermittymissus · 15/04/2012 11:49

OP come on now! If you were well enough to go for a meal for somebody else's birthday and ask your mum to babysit so you could celebrate with someone else, you were surely well enough to pick up a pen and write a few words in the card you'd already bought.

Regardless of what form she has it is BEYOND rude to have her over to do you a favour and not even give her a card. YABU I think you should apologise!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/04/2012 11:49

It's very bad form to guilt-trip someone about either getting or not getting them a card/present, IMO. And childish. I agree with scuzy on that front.

As for your husband giving you grief, I think he can fuck off. If he thought not getting her a card was going to be a problem what was stopping him buying one or making one with your DCs?

And why had the laundry got left? Why couldn't he do it?

featherbag · 15/04/2012 11:53

YABU - you didn't 'do the wrong thing' you did nothing and regardless of how much of a 'nutter' your DM is, or how ill you were, you really could've sent a card. Your OP smacks of poor excuses.

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 11:55

Im another one who is wondeirng what the hell is wrong with your DH - couldnt he have done something (and the laundry)

MadameChinLegs · 15/04/2012 12:01

Had I been in the OPs position, in being ill the week before my DMums birthday, I would have asked DH to either do crafts with the kids for them to make a card or pop to the shops and pick up a card. Failing that, I would have Moonpigged a card from bed.

As it was, in the week leading up to Easter I was in bed ill along with 14 w/o DD who was also very poorly. I asked DH to go out and get the easter things we hadn't had a chance to get and I knew I wouldn't be able to go out and get before Easter Sunday.

Fwiw, with regards to your DMums weird gifts one year and not the next, maybe you should decide what it is you are going to give and stick to it each year? Card and flowers from you and something crafty made by the kids should do it.

Fwiw, I am a big believer in the fact that Birthdays are set events, we get 365 days notice. There's no excuse for not having a card for your own mother.

MadameChinLegs · 15/04/2012 12:02

And don't get me started on the fact that you were bedridden and the laundry waited for you to do it.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 15/04/2012 12:04

Honestly, what I think you should do (having learned through experience)
Pick up the phone today.
Call her as one adult to another, not child to parent.
"Mum, I want to clear the air about your birthday. I am sorry I didn't get things together. I am sorry you have been upset. There are no excuses, just a heartfelt apology."
Then, move on, change the subject, "So what are you up to this week?" or such like.
If you want her to treat you as an adult you need to treat her as an adult.
Change the subject to being a good friend. She has told you she is hurt, if she was a friend and not your mum what would you do next?

PooPooInMyToes · 15/04/2012 12:04

I foot understand all these posters saying the op should have GOT her husband to sort out the card. Doesn't he have a brain!? Can't he think of that himself? And then to go off on one at her about it! She was bedridden and trying not to pass out by the sounds of it . . . But as usual its up to the woman to sort everything out.

I bet if it was his mum she would have sorted everything out without a word . . . and would have done the washing too!

I think that your husband had a go at you to deflect attention from himself. He knows he should have dealt with it and couldn't be bothered so he's having a go at you.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/04/2012 12:04

I DON'T understand!

camdancer · 15/04/2012 12:12

It sounds to me like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't wrt your mum's birthday, but this year you lost the moral high ground by not bothering with a card.

GinPalace · 15/04/2012 12:13

I think Neverknowingly has said wise words.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 15/04/2012 12:19

OOOh first time been called Wise!! with a recognition that you said the words were wise not the poster

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