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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick and tired of stupid birthday guessing games / night out spoiled

63 replies

NightOut · 15/04/2012 01:42

Rant warning - annoyed with mother but need to check how U I am. She is probably correct but AIBU to wish she hadn't spoiled my one night out by wanting to discuss it at midnight?

History is that my mum is very weird about birthdays - some years presents are ok, other years presents are the worst idea ever etc. Literally she would put them away in a cupboard and "never mention them again". We don't communicate well at the best of times so hard to know year on year. I was going to keep it low key this year, just make a card from the DCs.

Then I was bedridden on antibiotics for the week before and wasn't doing crafts, just trying to walk up the stairs without fainting. Got DS to phone up on the day and I have bought a card but a week after her birthday haven't given it yet, was still hoping to make one. This is where DH said to me "well you f*ed up there then".

Turns out this was a year I should have known psychically to give lots of presents and cards. We saw my parents 2nite when they came to babysit as we had to go to a family birthday meal (other family on DH's side). I am now well enough to go out so yes, should have sorted out her birthday stuff this morning but didn't - still shattered from being ill + catching up on all the things that get left like laundry. When we came home from the restaurant (had nice time, never usually have evenings out as have 2 preschoolers) said thanks for babysitting etc, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Then get a speech "before I go I think you should have done something for my birthday, bought a card from DCs at least".

I apologised but didn't say loads as didn't want to argue late at night. Knew whatever i said would be wrong. DH saw them to the door then said to me "what are we going to do now? I have had to deal with that and it's your fault, you just have to suck it up and sort it out? Do we get a special present to say sorry?" On and on before he went to bed annoyed I didn't have an instant answer. AIBU to be annoyed this was brought up for discussion at midnight and that this birthday has become yet another one where I did the wrong thing?

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/04/2012 01:46

as a mother of grown up children i can tell you it really bothers me if i dont get a card.

its not like my birthday is on a different day every year

it can be well planned for.

so you have no excuse on the card front.

as an aside - if i had asked my dh to get a card and send it - he would have done, why did you not ask your dh to help you out with a card to your mum?

Birdsgottafly · 15/04/2012 02:16

I agree that you should have got her a card, at least.

If you don't let her bringing it upon your night out, go, then it is going to get bigger than it needs to.

Next year decide what you want to get her and ignore what she has to say, that's her problem, not yours, take control.

totallypearshaped · 15/04/2012 02:16

Nightout don't beat yourself up, as you say yourself "History is that my mum is very weird about birthdays" PLEASE don't believe that "this birthday has become yet another one where I did the wrong thing".

now, hope you make a full recovery from your illness, and please don't give it another thought! Life's too short to second guess someone who sounds a little bit mentally unstable TBH.

Try not answering her calls for three days. Give yourself a break - she's a grown up, you were ill. Forget it!

And by the way, why do you have to have an instant answer for your DH! Is there a timer - can you hear a clock ticking - like a timebomb? Just say, I'll get back to you on that. Or let me think about that, and say no more!

crikey no wonder you were ill.

solidgoldbrass · 15/04/2012 02:21

Oh FFS some of you, did you not read the OP? This mother is a fucking nutter who clearly enjoys making sure that her birthday is a minefield every year and whatever the OP did would have been wrong.
Nightout, sorry you are feeling so rough. But tell your H to get over himself: if he doesn't know by now that your mum is totally unreasonable he should do, and he is neither your boss nor your owner and shoud not be ordering you about like that. Hope for your sake it's just a minor thing and you're not in the situation of having gone from one demanding drama llama (mother) to another (H).

Birdsgottafly · 15/04/2012 02:29

The OP has enough of a relationship with her mother to ask her to babysit, so on that basis, i would have thought that she would have sent her a card.

The mother can try to turn it into a minefield, but if the OP decides what she is going to do and stick to it, there isn't a problem.

If anything is said, it gets challenged.

CailinDana · 15/04/2012 06:57

It sounds like your DH is more of a problem than your mother. He should have done the laundry and bought a card while you were ill.

That said, if your mother makes a big deal out of whatever you get her then you need to stop stressing about it and just get her a card every year.

DPrince · 15/04/2012 07:52

I am missing something. Where does it say the dm is mentally unstable? Tbf a week later you could have got her a card/ or asked dh. Why don't you just ask what she wants? Does that not work?

spidermanspiderman · 15/04/2012 08:20

May come across a bit strange but here goes. My dm likes to choose everything herself so presents can be a minefield. Have now started making everything for her or giving a photo of the dc in a nice frame and she loves everything. This may be why presents in cupboard. For big occasions make dm tell you exactly what she wants!

Megatron · 15/04/2012 08:25

Jeez what a load of fuss over an adults birthday! Yes you could have got /made her a card to give to her but seriously, she's a grown woman and it's not like you actually forgot her birthday if you got your DCs to ring her.

And why are you still 'catching up' with laundry etc? Your DH should have been helping you while you were ill anyway and have done the bloody washing. And if he was that bloody fussed why did he not get a card for her. Forget about it OP this is only a big deal because other people have made it so.

BelleDameSansMerci · 15/04/2012 08:27

I agree that your DH seems as much of a problem, tbh. If it matters so much to him, why didn't he sort it out? You were ill.

Sounds like the two people you'd hope would support you most are both the most troublesome.

Anyway, you have apologised. I'd leave it at that. If you buy something now, and fall over yourself to make it up to her, you are simply reinforcing that her bad behaviour gets results.

AmnesiaCustard · 15/04/2012 08:37

Well enough to go out (and for her to babysit) but not well enough to get her even a birthday card?
I say YABU.

RedHotPokers · 15/04/2012 08:46

Totally agree with amnesia. YABU op.

MadamFolly · 15/04/2012 08:48

What was your husband doing while you were ill?

didldidi · 15/04/2012 08:58

You should have at least written the card so you could give it to her yesterday. ad for not wanting to discuss it at midnight - had you not mentioned it at the beginning of the evening?

duckdodgers · 15/04/2012 08:59

This mother is a fucking nutter Hmm

I agree with the posters who say you could have at least got a card, or someone else to get and send a card if you were so ill. The date doesn't change - and you still had a voice I presume.

FrankiDon182 · 15/04/2012 09:10

Have you not heard of moonpig?
Why could you not have sent a text/email or phoned her yourself? I dont get on with my mother at all (would never dream of asking her to babysit!) but i always get her a birthday card. I dont see how shes 'being weird about birthdays?'
She expected a card from her daughter and grandchildren?

I would have got my DC to make her a card then got DH to send it. Not a big deal.

Gumby · 15/04/2012 09:12

Yabu

scuzy · 15/04/2012 09:42

this is a grown woman with kids and grandkids and she is moaning about a birthday present not given to her ON THE DAY OF and a card ... and wants a present to apologise? WTAF? if she was 6 i'd say fair enough she is having a strop but a grown woman? am shocked!! how immature and childish!

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 15/04/2012 09:54

The mum isn't moaning about not getting a present or card on the day of her birthday, she is upset at not getting a card at all. I think OP is unreasonable here, it doesn't take much time or effort to write a card even if you were ill and I would be quite hurt if someone was well enough to go out and ask me to babysit but not get a birthday card, seems a bit thoughtless, YANBU not to get a present though if past efforts haven't been appreciated.

tethersend · 15/04/2012 10:04

So you had a card but didn't bother to write it and give it to her when she came to babysit so you could go out for someone else's birthday?

YABU.

ENormaSnob · 15/04/2012 10:07

Yabu

Well enough to go out, well enough to nip and get a card/bunch of flowers etc.

Hebiegebies · 15/04/2012 10:07

Why did your DH not buy a present and help the kids make a card?

gettingalifenow · 15/04/2012 10:10

Agree with tether above I"m afraid... If you are still feelingso rough, why did you go out anyway? And if you're not feeling that rough, you could have written a card. Sorry

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 15/04/2012 10:16

Sorry but if well enough to go out its fucking cheeky to have her over to babysit and completely ignore her birthday. It obviously matters to her and a card isn't too much to ask for.

SuePurblyBusinesslike · 15/04/2012 10:16

You forgot to give her the card when she came, I reckon, and it's still sat somewhere unwritten. If you had it, what on earth was stopping you giving it to her when she came to babysit? With a bunch of daffs or whatever?
I agree she sounds very odd re the history, but I think you're blustering now because since you've got better, you've forgotten all about it.

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