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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A toddler was left on a tow path while mum marched other two to school as he was having a tantrum

109 replies

daffodilly2 · 14/04/2012 18:46

Taking my daughter to school, a while ago now, but ingrained in my memory was a very well spoken, well dressed mother with three DSs. The youngest, still in nappies was creating because he did not want to walk ( he wanted a "carry") - she was irate and left him on the path, a stream nearby while she marched the older boys into school, one of them looking back decidedly worried ( it seemed to me ) for little bro.
I waited with the boy until she returned with a huge grin like I've taught him a lesson haven't I. I was speechless just gave her a glare and hurried off with my DD.

Am I being unreasonable or isn't this a kind of abuse and dangerous behaviour. I still quiver at the thought and wonder what other seeming respectable mothers do to their offspring.

OP posts:

whenwillitend · 14/04/2012 20:00

Eight minutes? really?

My friends much older dd ran off when out with her family. Sadly a malicious neighbour who had threatened to call ss THE NIGHT BEFORE used it to try and get her done for neglect....

SnapesOnAPlane · 14/04/2012 20:02

Against the rules?
You're right, it must be! Someone put that woman in the naughty corner RIGHT NOW.

I wonder what other 'seeming respectable mothers do to their offspring' too.

TheMonster · 14/04/2012 20:09

I dread to think how far up you would have hoiked your judgey pants if the woman was not 'well dressed'!

twoistwiceasfun · 14/04/2012 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwkwardMaryHadAnEasterLamb · 14/04/2012 20:21

It IS abuse because she deliberately placed him in harms way. The cow. And Debeez ths woman's behavour was NOT like any parent having a moment...it was terrible.

Original poster

daffodilly2 · 14/04/2012 20:22

I can see that my post could be read as judgemental - isn't actually where I'm coming from. I think we do have to notice when parental behaviour is not fair and learn from it - try not to duplicate those mistakes ourselves. We all do make mistakes, parenting is not easy.

Issue is , in the name of discipline, parents can be cruel, often unwittingly.

OP posts:

Purpleprickles · 14/04/2012 20:22

Yes it wasn't the right thing to do I don't disagree. Yes it is sad it happened but probably the mother was sad too. Just because she smiled at you doesn't mean she didn't deeply regret her choice after she had calmed down. It's the judgemental style of your post that riled me, the way you generalised about something like (on phone so can't directly quote) "the many mums who don't realise their responsibilities" whilst insinuating that you of course do and are therefore a better parent.

Wellthen · 14/04/2012 20:22

I didnt mean you were overreacting to stay with the child or to be a bit shocked that she went fully out of sight, just to call it abuse. She didn't deliberately hurt him mentally or physically and I don't really think she neglected him. Parents make bad choices but that doesn't make a bad choice abuse. I think calling things like this abuse trivializes the word fankly.

You really feel this behaviour is comparable to hitting a child or calling them horrible names?

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 20:23

I lost my 3 year old in town once, I dont know what happened, he was chasing pigeons and must have chased one too far, I had a 5 years old and newborn in a pushchair so was probably more distracted than I thought.

Anyway after tearing around town in complete hysteria I eventually found him, a woman (who was probably in her 60's) had found him and was taking him to the shopping centre security. I am so glad she found him and was taking care of him, he was in tears as he was so scared but she calmed him down and made sure he came to no harm. I was so grateful to her for doing this, I didnt even properly thank her as all I could do was cry noisy great gulps and hyperventilate.

My point - sorry for the ramble - is that you did the right thing, you made sure this poor little child came to no harm and was safe from the stream. The mother probably had one her "end of her tether" moments and probably went too far, it was probably more embarrasment that you saw rather than anything triumphant.

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 20:25

That post was brought to you by vodkaJelly and her probablys!

Debeez · 14/04/2012 20:26

Awkwardmary At the time of writing my post OP hadn't given times or distances. I gave the mother the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she could see him from the school gate where she dropped off children etc.

Original poster

daffodilly2 · 14/04/2012 20:29

wellthen - I really do think leaving the child for such a long time is worse than a light smack on the bottom - not saying I advocate this either. It is just the possible danger of leaving a child seems to me to be really wrong and not a way to discipline.
purple prickles - I do apologise for sounding judgemental, it isn't what I intended, more that we all need to be careful how we discipline.

I felt quite alone with it actually, and thought, is this what people do?

OP posts:

Purpleprickles · 14/04/2012 20:31

Gahhhhhh "is this what people do?"

Original poster

daffodilly2 · 14/04/2012 20:33

Vodkajelly, how terrifying to lose your little one. I know I got lost as a child, was scary.

It is true, mum was probably at the end of her tether - but it could have been a mistake that was made at a very high price

OP posts:

VodkaJelly · 14/04/2012 20:38

daffodilly2, you are so right, it could have been a very high price, but, you were there and things turned out ok. The mother will hopefully realise how close she came to something happening and will not do that again.

We all have end of tether moments, I have driven off and left my son standing outside the school once as he wouldnt get in the car (he was 13 at time) and although school is only a 5 - 10 minute walk I felt so guilty, I turned around to go back for him and he still wouldnt get in the car. Little sod.

Purpleprickles · 14/04/2012 20:38

She more than likely realised that once she had calmed down and despite arguing you did the right thing. If you hadn't have done she could have been regretting her anger/carelessness/lack of rational thought for the rest of her life. I'm sure she would judge herself much more harshly than anyone else could.

Original poster

daffodilly2 · 14/04/2012 20:41

I think if that behaviour ( of leaving a young child unattended0 is seen, then many people would be and because it is wrong. If it is judgemental to state that then so be it. This thread, I would prefer, should not be at me as a full of herself mother but - look what happens in the name of discipline or maybe when someone comes to the end of their tether. Tough job parenting, (don't feel I always get it right) but my sympathies are more with the child.
My sense still is this was an issue of discipline.

OP posts:

Purpleprickles · 14/04/2012 20:48

Then maybe the thread should have been posted in chat or parenting as a discussion about the fine line between discipline and inappropriate parenting rather than AIBU?

Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2012 20:50

Until someone points out to the mother the reasons as to why she shouldn't be doing that, then it is just a case of her not doing what she should.

Tbh, you should have said something to her.

lockets · 14/04/2012 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteTrash · 14/04/2012 20:58

I did something like this to my son recently. Little sodd was kicking off so I 'went home' without him. I left him outside the shop that he was refusing to walk home from, I could see him the whole time but he couldnt see me, he really thought Id gone. Not that he gave a shite, or that it worked.

Anyway, 2 women approached him probably thinking he'd got lost or something so I stalked back. The look they gave me! I couldnt have cared less I was absolutely livid by this point (a lot of things had lead to this point).

My point is, to them Id buggered off without my son, and came back to him with a face like thunder despite the fact that he was crying his eyes out. To them I probably looked like a right cunt. I wasnt, I was a woman on the edge because my son had tested my last nerve that day.

WhiteTrash · 14/04/2012 20:59

Should have added, the moral of my story was the old chestnut - dont judge.

chandellina · 14/04/2012 21:48

We don't know her side of the story though. Maybe the child was only out of sight for a minute. Maybe she judged the risks differently and we don't know whose assessment is accurate.

Like silvery I have left my son in the street while I lurk at the end by the corner. A mum came out after listening to him wailing but he wasn't at risk unless he decided to dash into the street. It was below freezing but he lasted half an hour before I finally had to break and go back to avoid involving other people.

oopsi · 14/04/2012 21:55

What a strange AIBU-did you expect people to post that it was ok to leave a toddler alone by deep water for 8 minutes??
Struggliong to see why you need our validation?

saladsandwich · 14/04/2012 22:19

i don't agree with what the woman did but she knows her ds's behaviour better than anyone and knows how likely he is to either stay put or run off, or go back to her so i can see why she left him. i know my ds would run off no doubt about it.

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