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Original poster

To just say 'No' to her(and why do I find it so hard)Very long

65 replies

FTnamechange · 13/04/2012 15:23

I'm a regular and hope not to 'out' myself(apologies for rubbish username).

My SIL is a very difficult person.She has always told me she hated children and seeing mine made her pleased that she didn't have any.
She has just had her first dc.She now loves children and loves being a mum.
Nobody is allowed to hold her dc and she only wants to meet up with me as long as my dc aren't in the same room as her and her precious one.
My dc are 20m and 3yrs.
Over the past few years she has told me
'Youre newborn baby is not good looking at all is he'
'I will teach you how to be a better mother'
'You have no confidence-you need to learn to get some'
'You're just a silly blonde'
She also does things like:
When finishing her coffee she threw out her hand and shouted 'another coffee NOW' to which I said 'I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude' which made her Shock.
Only a very small handful of times she has been 'nice'(bearable).
Anyway she is not like this to anyone else and the only reason I can think of is that
a)I'm in my 20's she's nearly 40(she treats me like a child even though I've supported myself since the age of 18 moving to London on my own etc)
b)she had a fairly ok job and she looks down on my job
c)When I first met this awful woman I was in my very early 20's and extremely shy(pathetically so)and tried to please dhs family so let her get away with the nastiness

After so much more rudeness I decided I had had enough and when she texted me to arrange to meet tried to be 'busy' as much as possible.
Fast forward to this year:SIL has had her baby,has married her 75year partner(who has incredible wealth).
They want for nothing,neither work(of course he's retired)they travel and 'lunch' and shop.Which is great-couldn't care less its their business.
Anyway recently SIL went to the park with her baby-it was the middle of the day very sunny etc.Her dh doesn't like her going anywhere on her own so she pretended to him she was at my house(I knew nothing of this btw!)
I have work that evening and I'm trying to deal with my dc and prepare meals etc for when my dh comes home.
SIL's dh calls me 'Is my wife there?'
Me:'I don't know what you're talking about'
Him:'She told me she is at your house please just pass the phone over I want to speak to her now'
Me:'Look X I'm so busy and I have no idea what you're talking about.I haven't seen her or heard from her,I'm sorry'
He was very cross started raising his voice at me and then hung up.

This is the second time she has done something like this.

SIL then comes to mine she tells me 'I have got her into trouble again'
I tell her to tell him to stop calling me from now on(he also visits me occasionally on his own btw completely unannounced)
I tell her how am I supposed to know shes 'meant to be at mine' and I'm not a mind reader.

He then comes to pick her up.I said hello to him and he gave me a look of disgust and point blank ignored me and walked off with their LO.
I was fuming..I picked up my LO and walked into my garden ketting them see themselves out.

She has been texting me since saying her and her husband would love to take me out to lunch(their treat).I took days to get back to her.I was vague etc.
This is their way of saying 'sorry' I guess.She sent me another lovely message saying she wanted to treat me to lunch.
My DH(who admits he cannot stand the pair of them)said 'they are trying to make an effort'etc.
I said ok(I was thinking we could go to a place 5 mins from me then after 1 hour I'd make my excuses and leave).
I have just passed my driving test and as I'm not from this area(dh is from here)I'm taking my time in finding places etc.
SIL asks me if I would be driving and if not I can easily go in their car(its a 4x4 so big for us all)
I'm confident so far with a lovely big high street local to both me and SIL.It has every type of restuarant you could think of and its 5 mins away.
I explained this to her and said but if she didn't want to go to this area then would she mind if I had a lift with her as I'm not good with the further away places she goes too.
Shes just emailed back
'We will go to posh-child unfriendly-middle of nowhere-place and you can drive there as its easy.There is a carpark there.Tell me what you think.'

This place is a very glam place,not ideal for my toddler and is just under 30 mins away.Her dh gets treated like a vip here and this is the only place they will go according to dh.
I don't know the roads and I don't want to drive as I don't feel ready.
She knows this.Dh said she tried her best but why offer me a lift and then play silly games.

So sorry for this extremely long essay and if you're still reading thankyou for getting this far:)

OP posts:
hathorinareddress69 · 13/04/2012 15:25

Tell her to get a taxi.

To the far side of fuck.

One way.

Original poster
FTnamechange · 13/04/2012 15:27

Haha thankyou hathSmile

OP posts:
hathorinareddress69 · 13/04/2012 15:28

Seriously she sounds like a nightmare and so does the husband.

I would be very very busy.

Babylon1 · 13/04/2012 15:28

OOf, this non-person just needs to be told to get out of your airspace, you don't need that sort of person in your life - I mean FFS, she is happy to see you with her DC as long as your DCs aren't in the same room????
Angry
That's just wrong for starters :(

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 13/04/2012 15:29

Just tell her no, I wouldn't want to go for lunch with them anywhere!

You don't have to spend time with people you don't like op Wink

YonWhaleFish · 13/04/2012 15:29

Tell her to piss orf. I would.

diddl · 13/04/2012 15:31

"Tell me what you think."

No thank you, that doesn´t work for me.

It can be hard to say no/stand up to people-but this is email-you don´t even have to do it to your face.

And wants to say sorry?

Well-has she-said sorrx & I feel so bad let me treat you?

If not, don´t bother meeting her ever again

Imnotaslimjim · 13/04/2012 15:32

Oh My God

I think you need to spend the rest of your life being "busy"

There is no need for anyone to be quite that rude

And did I read right - her partner, and father of ther DC is 75? And she's 40summat? Each to their own of course but isn't that a little, well, odd?

animula · 13/04/2012 15:33

Bless you. You sound like you're a nice person. With most people/relationships, this is a good thing: you'll be nice, the other person will be nice, and there will be just lots and lots of niceness.

And, let's face it, why not be a nice person? What is the point of being just randomly, pointlessly horrible? It's a bit sociopathic not to be, isn't it?

But sadly, there are some people who are not nice. Sometimes, they are forced to be nice to some people, usually people who are tougher than they are, but mostly they are horrible. And they just don't get "nice". People who are default nice are regarded by them as weak.

I think your sil sounds like one of the latter group.

It sounds as though you get put under pressure to keep the peace, put up with the madness, not rock the boat not because you are wrong and she is right but because you are the weakest link. You'll be nice and accommodate the wishes of others, or at least take their feelings into account. She won't. It makes sense for other people to take the easy route and get you to just give in.

But you are not a doormat. You have taken steps to say no. Keep doing it. You are right. Next time your dh or his family try and get you to go against your instincts that this is not a good relationship for you to be anywhere near, just keep repeating: "No."

And I notice it's not your dh having to do the actual physical keeping in touch with his sister ...

PuppyMonkey · 13/04/2012 15:33

You sound like you've worked it out for yourself. Tell her you've got other stuff on. For eternity.

schobe · 13/04/2012 15:33

Reply: Ok, sorry I won't be able to make it then. Thanks for the offer.

When/if she replies with a load of bullying shit either (a) ignore or (b) repeat something like 'Sorry it's just not convenient for us' then ignore.

Then carry on with the slow responding, vagueness etc. Honestly, people can't MAKE you spend time with them just because they want to. You don't need to answer the door either you know - say you were in the shower.

picnicbasketcase · 13/04/2012 15:34

She sounds utterly horrendous. Avoid, avoid, avoid. You get nothing from this relationship but insults by the sounds of it. And if your DH doesn't like her either, I would just find an excuse not to see her at all.

LydiaWickham · 13/04/2012 15:34

E-mail back "No, I don't want to go to X place. I don't want your husband to spend his money on me because he feels bad about acting like an arse, I want him to stop acting like an arse. When he's ready to apologise, I'll be ready for his call. Spending money is not a substitude for saying sorry."

Then be 'busy' every time she contacts you, and in the future.

manicbmc · 13/04/2012 15:38

Just say 'no'.

ImperialBlether · 13/04/2012 15:41

Her husband doesn't let her go to the park with the baby? Whyever not? And do you think she actually was at the park? All of that seems very strange. I assumed she was meeting someone on the sly - do you think she might be?

She is so rude to you. I don't think in your position I'd want any contact with her. As far as this meal's concerned, why would you go? Instead of them both sincerely apologising, they want you to drive to a strange place when you're new to driving and would struggle with that. Do they want you to take your children or do they assume you won't, given their dislike of them?

Gah, this is too much for me. Just say, "Sorry, I won't be free for lunch" and leave it at that. If she complains, let her have it with both barrels.

LydiaWickham · 13/04/2012 15:44

or if you want to 'keep the peace' a bit more, it's ok to e-mail back: "No, I don't fancy that restuarant, I hope you have fun."

You don't have to let her decide what's happening in your life, you don't want to go there, you can't dictate where she takes you for lunch, but you can decide you don't want to go if it's not somewhere you fancy.

If she tries to push you to go you could also reply "when your DC is a little older and you're a little more experienced as a mother, you'll realise how inappropriate that place is for children - enjoy it while you can - I remember how easy it is being a mother of such a small child!"

Bambino81 · 13/04/2012 15:45

It's oh so awkwarddddd.

If it was me I'd feel like what she's giving with one hand she's taking with the other

I would email back and be firm, tell her point blank that you're not driving there cause you're nit confident enough on roads that you don't know. Don't sugar coat it either, I know its tempting. Then see how she answers that?

If she's still being pushy/rude tell her --to fuck right off- that you can't make that date after all and go back to being vague with her.

Hate manipulative people like that :/

Bambino81 · 13/04/2012 15:47

It's oh so awkwarddddd.

If it was me I'd feel like what she's giving with one hand she's taking with the other

I would email back and be firm, tell her point blank that you're not driving there cause you're nit confident enough on roads that you don't know. Don't sugar coat it either, I know its tempting. Then see how she answers that?

If she's still being pushy/rude tell her to fuck right off that you can't make that date after all and go back to being vague with her.

Hate manipulative people like that :/

Original poster
FTnamechange · 13/04/2012 15:48

My dh is telling me to 'keep the peace' I should just go and he'll give me the money to get a cab..Im so thankful for your replies.I'm not going to go.
Thankyou again means alot.
Animula-your analogy hits the nail on the head.I've tried so hard(mainly because she's the childrens aunt) and I've caught them rolling their eyes at me,yawning in my face,mimicking my voice that type of stuff and when they go my blood boils.
I'd love my children to grow up with a cousin but she's already told me she would never let her child come round(in the future)to play with mine unless she was there.I feel to have something to do with my neice I have to put up with her which makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Teeb · 13/04/2012 15:51

I think your DH needs to realise there is no peace, they are just horrible people. You and your family shouldn't let them walk all over you. Good luck with everything op!

girlywhirly · 13/04/2012 15:59

SIL wants you to tell her what you think about the restaurant.

Tell SIL that rather than you all going for dinner, the time would be better spent by her and her DH sorting out his problem with her going out alone. That was the root cause of his treating you like a liar, and her fault in the first place for lying to him as to her whereabouts. I would refuse the dinner invitation outright until you get a proper apology from them both.

And then avoid forever more. You could go to dinner and I bet there would be no hint of the word sorry. They consider throwing money at the problem enough. You don't need people like that in your life, things like this will keep on happening if you let them get away with it.

schobe · 13/04/2012 16:06

Love the way that keeping the peace involves YOU spending time with them while they take the piss out of you. It doesn't make your DH's life difficult at all does it? Tell him that he should be arranging when to see them as it is his sister after all. Then find something better to do and leave him to it.

bibbitybobbitybunny · 13/04/2012 16:14

Email back

"Dear sil, thanks but it really isn't necessary for you and dh to take me out for lunch to make up for putting me in the middle of your domestic upset when you told him you were at my house but weren't. All I would ask is that you don't use me for an alibi again! I don't think the meal you are proposing is really my cup of tea, why not save the occasion and take a good friend or someone really close to you?"

maybenow · 13/04/2012 16:18

is this your husband's sister? i don't really understand why you feel compelled to spend so much time with her... i have never really seen my husband's sister without my husband there too - and i LIKE my SIL!

lifeisfuckinggreat · 13/04/2012 16:19

Life is too short to put up with her treating you like this. Set the boundaries of what is acceptable to you. If she doesn't like it she can fuck off.