To just say 'No' to her(and why do I find it so hard)Very long

[FTnamechange]

I'm a regular and hope not to 'out' myself(apologies for rubbish username).

My SIL is a very difficult person.She has always told me she hated children and seeing mine made her pleased that she didn't have any.
She has just had her first dc.She now loves children and loves being a mum.
Nobody is allowed to hold her dc and she only wants to meet up with me as long as my dc aren't in the same room as her and her precious one.
My dc are 20m and 3yrs.
Over the past few years she has told me
'Youre newborn baby is not good looking at all is he'
'I will teach you how to be a better mother'
'You have no confidence-you need to learn to get some'
'You're just a silly blonde'
She also does things like:
When finishing her coffee she threw out her hand and shouted 'another coffee NOW' to which I said 'I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude' which made her .
Only a very small handful of times she has been 'nice'(bearable).
Anyway she is not like this to anyone else and the only reason I can think of is that
a)I'm in my 20's she's nearly 40(she treats me like a child even though I've supported myself since the age of 18 moving to London on my own etc)
b)she had a fairly ok job and she looks down on my job
c)When I first met this awful woman I was in my very early 20's and extremely shy(pathetically so)and tried to please dhs family so let her get away with the nastiness

After so much more rudeness I decided I had had enough and when she texted me to arrange to meet tried to be 'busy' as much as possible.
Fast forward to this year:SIL has had her baby,has married her 75year partner(who has incredible wealth).
They want for nothing,neither work(of course he's retired)they travel and 'lunch' and shop.Which is great-couldn't care less its their business.
Anyway recently SIL went to the park with her baby-it was the middle of the day very sunny etc.Her dh doesn't like her going anywhere on her own so she pretended to him she was at my house(I knew nothing of this btw!)
I have work that evening and I'm trying to deal with my dc and prepare meals etc for when my dh comes home.
SIL's dh calls me 'Is my wife there?'
Me:'I don't know what you're talking about'
Him:'She told me she is at your house please just pass the phone over I want to speak to her now'
Me:'Look X I'm so busy and I have no idea what you're talking about.I haven't seen her or heard from her,I'm sorry'
He was very cross started raising his voice at me and then hung up.

This is the second time she has done something like this.

SIL then comes to mine she tells me 'I have got her into trouble again'
I tell her to tell him to stop calling me from now on(he also visits me occasionally on his own btw completely unannounced)
I tell her how am I supposed to know shes 'meant to be at mine' and I'm not a mind reader.

He then comes to pick her up.I said hello to him and he gave me a look of disgust and point blank ignored me and walked off with their LO.
I was fuming..I picked up my LO and walked into my garden ketting them see themselves out.

She has been texting me since saying her and her husband would love to take me out to lunch(their treat).I took days to get back to her.I was vague etc.
This is their way of saying 'sorry' I guess.She sent me another lovely message saying she wanted to treat me to lunch.
My DH(who admits he cannot stand the pair of them)said 'they are trying to make an effort'etc.
I said ok(I was thinking we could go to a place 5 mins from me then after 1 hour I'd make my excuses and leave).
I have just passed my driving test and as I'm not from this area(dh is from here)I'm taking my time in finding places etc.
SIL asks me if I would be driving and if not I can easily go in their car(its a 4x4 so big for us all)
I'm confident so far with a lovely big high street local to both me and SIL.It has every type of restuarant you could think of and its 5 mins away.
I explained this to her and said but if she didn't want to go to this area then would she mind if I had a lift with her as I'm not good with the further away places she goes too.
Shes just emailed back
'We will go to posh-child unfriendly-middle of nowhere-place and you can drive there as its easy.There is a carpark there.Tell me what you think.'

This place is a very glam place,not ideal for my toddler and is just under 30 mins away.Her dh gets treated like a vip here and this is the only place they will go according to dh.
I don't know the roads and I don't want to drive as I don't feel ready.
She knows this.Dh said she tried her best but why offer me a lift and then play silly games.

So sorry for this extremely long essay and if you're still reading thankyou for getting this far:)

FT... you sound so lovely and they are just playing a stupid game. Please don't be so hard on yourself though... these things start off small and just grow and grow and then you suddenly think 'hang on, what's happened here... it shouldn't be like this... where did this come from?'

It's not your fault... you were younger when you met them and it's just crept up on you. But the fact you are questioning it now means you know it isn't right and you should have your OH behind you to just stand up to them and not take their sh1te. Even the 'wow you go girl, we didnt think you were like that, we thought you were such an unassuming sweet girl' is SOOOOO patronising. How dare they!

The only bit I agree with is this 'You go girl!' Cut them out your life and take the upper hand and let them crawling to YOU for YOUR company because they might be the ones to suddenly look round and think 'hmmm, where has FT gone....that's a shame (cos no-one else will put up with us!)'

Good luck

I can see how this happens, you do get ground down and suddenly you are in a rut. Would you let somone treat your children like this ?

I love the above emails, esp about him spending his money when a sorry would surfice.

Stop cowtowing and worrying about them.

My SIL is the most rude arrogrant person you could ever wish to AVOID. I just cannot tolerate and bear her anymore.

She treats my DH somewhere between disabled and a skivvy. For xmas she actually gave him a game he played when he was 5 !!!! She has been to so many nice places but she comes back from each one complaining of the dog *hit on the streets! I had to sit at family meals and listen to her spout on how she hate this and that, and I said to my DH, after about three years - " If that girl ever once actually aknowledges my presence or asks me how i am - I will fall off my chair for you...."

She wouldnt even allow my DH to bring me her wedding video, 7 miles down the road. She was franticlaly calling him saying how precious it was - her only copy etc bring it back immedialty, but she thought it was ok to just collect my daughter without asking me and drive off with her!

I used to worry about it - I used to say nothing to fall in. It got me NOWHERE iwth the family, they still didint like me after years of saying nothing and smiling.

For myself, I have promised I wont put up with it any longer and I feel alot stronger because of it.

Just remember- NO is a complete sentence.

And do give your DH a talking to as well OP. Your DH "(who admits he cannot stand the pair of them)" wants you to suck up their bad behaviour to keep the peace? Nooooooooo! Not going to happen!

They're vile individuals. Your children will never have a relationship with their child, so there isn't even that reason to grit your teeth. You (and your DC/DH) are better off without these joy-suckers in your lives.

And as for this lunch invitation - is it their chauffeur's day off? It comes across as quite an insult - we want you to come to lunch, but we're only going to old-codger's-favourite-restaurant not one you want to go to, and you're doing the driving, so there. Fuck that for a game of soldiers ...

Just because you are related, doesn't mean you can allow her to walk all over you. Lets face it, you wouldn't be friends if it wasn't for who she is the sister off.

i would ignore all her calls from now on or hang up on her. she sounds completely toxic

i would just email back and say 'sorry, that doesn't work for me. have a nice lunch though.'

then evade all attempts to meet up. if they drop by unannounced say you're horrifically busy. you'll have to catch them another time. oh and you have to take your shoes off in my house. i'm surprised you don't know this.

you have to grow some serious balls, FT.

"No" is a complete sentence....

I normally can't be asked to read an OP that long but it was riveting.

They are Nuts FT & you are a saint to put up with them.
Please forgive my weakness & supply regular updates in future? Because I love hearing about nutty people & their ridiculous expectations. Cheers me up no end.

If your dh wants to hang out with them getting belittled and insulted then tell him to fill his boots - its HIS sister. There is absolutely no reason for you to put up with this, so don't.

Once the baby cried(quite loudly) and he said 'take this awful little cow away from me'.

Christ on a bike - they are just a pair of bullies.

Just say no, i'm too busy. No, i'm too busy can't make it etc If they persist say Actually i don't want to, i'm not really keen on spending time with you because you overpower and intimidate me and put me down. Is that clear enough?

They will get the shock of their life - they have obviously taken for granted your submissive, don't rock the boat attitude.

I'd be having words with DH too - sounds like his family are awful to you if your mil is even worse!

Just say 'No thanks, can't drive that far'

Don't stoop to her level, rise above

I can't get past the thought that a 75yo man's balls would be rather saggy.

"So, you'd like to take me to lunch as long as it's on a day you choose, at a place you like, and I have to do the driving? Ah, I see. What a shame I'm busy."

Kepp being busy forever - I wouldn't have this woman's family situation for the world (and oddly feel a little sorry for her) but I have a hunch that she is especially unpleasant towards you so she can feel better about herself. Does she have any close friends? I bet not.

Don't let other people take out their bile on you OP!

You have to hope for the SIL sake that he doesnt pass her over in his will in favour of his children. Otherwise all this shit wont have been worth a thing!