To just say 'No' to her(and why do I find it so hard)Very long

[FTnamechange]

I'm a regular and hope not to 'out' myself(apologies for rubbish username).

My SIL is a very difficult person.She has always told me she hated children and seeing mine made her pleased that she didn't have any.
She has just had her first dc.She now loves children and loves being a mum.
Nobody is allowed to hold her dc and she only wants to meet up with me as long as my dc aren't in the same room as her and her precious one.
My dc are 20m and 3yrs.
Over the past few years she has told me
'Youre newborn baby is not good looking at all is he'
'I will teach you how to be a better mother'
'You have no confidence-you need to learn to get some'
'You're just a silly blonde'
She also does things like:
When finishing her coffee she threw out her hand and shouted 'another coffee NOW' to which I said 'I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude' which made her .
Only a very small handful of times she has been 'nice'(bearable).
Anyway she is not like this to anyone else and the only reason I can think of is that
a)I'm in my 20's she's nearly 40(she treats me like a child even though I've supported myself since the age of 18 moving to London on my own etc)
b)she had a fairly ok job and she looks down on my job
c)When I first met this awful woman I was in my very early 20's and extremely shy(pathetically so)and tried to please dhs family so let her get away with the nastiness

After so much more rudeness I decided I had had enough and when she texted me to arrange to meet tried to be 'busy' as much as possible.
Fast forward to this year:SIL has had her baby,has married her 75year partner(who has incredible wealth).
They want for nothing,neither work(of course he's retired)they travel and 'lunch' and shop.Which is great-couldn't care less its their business.
Anyway recently SIL went to the park with her baby-it was the middle of the day very sunny etc.Her dh doesn't like her going anywhere on her own so she pretended to him she was at my house(I knew nothing of this btw!)
I have work that evening and I'm trying to deal with my dc and prepare meals etc for when my dh comes home.
SIL's dh calls me 'Is my wife there?'
Me:'I don't know what you're talking about'
Him:'She told me she is at your house please just pass the phone over I want to speak to her now'
Me:'Look X I'm so busy and I have no idea what you're talking about.I haven't seen her or heard from her,I'm sorry'
He was very cross started raising his voice at me and then hung up.

This is the second time she has done something like this.

SIL then comes to mine she tells me 'I have got her into trouble again'
I tell her to tell him to stop calling me from now on(he also visits me occasionally on his own btw completely unannounced)
I tell her how am I supposed to know shes 'meant to be at mine' and I'm not a mind reader.

He then comes to pick her up.I said hello to him and he gave me a look of disgust and point blank ignored me and walked off with their LO.
I was fuming..I picked up my LO and walked into my garden ketting them see themselves out.

She has been texting me since saying her and her husband would love to take me out to lunch(their treat).I took days to get back to her.I was vague etc.
This is their way of saying 'sorry' I guess.She sent me another lovely message saying she wanted to treat me to lunch.
My DH(who admits he cannot stand the pair of them)said 'they are trying to make an effort'etc.
I said ok(I was thinking we could go to a place 5 mins from me then after 1 hour I'd make my excuses and leave).
I have just passed my driving test and as I'm not from this area(dh is from here)I'm taking my time in finding places etc.
SIL asks me if I would be driving and if not I can easily go in their car(its a 4x4 so big for us all)
I'm confident so far with a lovely big high street local to both me and SIL.It has every type of restuarant you could think of and its 5 mins away.
I explained this to her and said but if she didn't want to go to this area then would she mind if I had a lift with her as I'm not good with the further away places she goes too.
Shes just emailed back
'We will go to posh-child unfriendly-middle of nowhere-place and you can drive there as its easy.There is a carpark there.Tell me what you think.'

This place is a very glam place,not ideal for my toddler and is just under 30 mins away.Her dh gets treated like a vip here and this is the only place they will go according to dh.
I don't know the roads and I don't want to drive as I don't feel ready.
She knows this.Dh said she tried her best but why offer me a lift and then play silly games.

So sorry for this extremely long essay and if you're still reading thankyou for getting this far:)

What schobe just said.
You're being walked over and to an extent your DH is allowing this to happen, but clearly you can stop it too.
Say No - i'm sure when you've done it once it will be much easier 2nd time round .
I hate seeing so many of these stories on MN where people are being treated like crap, more so by their family.
I don't stand for this blood thicker than water nonsense. If someone is treating you badly (constantly) tell them to f**k off - as many times as is necessary!

Please don't put yourself anywhere near this stressful person!
How about you say that you can't go, but your DH would love to spend time with his sister, and he goes instead?

what lifeisfuckinggreat said. Just THAT. Nothing else.

Don't go.

or agree and stand the foul pair up

You really need to say 'no' and do only what you are comfortable with. Forget about 'keeping the peace'. You don't have to to be rude about it, just so what you think but in a nice manner.

Don't worry about having contact with your niece, with parents like that I don't think she will turn into a nice person anyway. When she gets older I doubt that she is going to treat you, or your children, with any respect.

so = say

It's all very well for your dh to say 'keep the peace' even though he admits to disliking this pair - he isnt the one spending time with them!! If he wants to keep the peace then HE should be the one suffering through a lunch with them at this stupid suggestion of a place whilst you go off somewhere and enjoy yourself with the LO's. I do agree that they seem to be trying to make up for their disgusting behaviour but frankly life is too short. They have never been pleasant to you.

I do feel sorry for their child though - not only are the parents horrid but the father won't be around for a great deal of the child's life if he is already 75.

If my DH knew someone regularly mocked me, ostracised my dc's and treated me like muck and then wanted me to pal up with them I would tell him he needed to get a reality check and ask would he cultivate a relationship based on this?

Keeping the peace is a worthwhile cause but not at the expense of your self-esteem and with no respect coming from the other party.

It would be lovely for your dc's to have a cousin to play with but until her child is old enough to have a life of its own it ain't going to happen (and possibly not even then if it takes after its parents!)

sadly money doesn't buy charm - as you have experienced. :(

When your DH says he wants you to keep the peace, what he means is he wants you to give in, do what they want, be treated like shit because avoiding his sister kicking off is more important than his wife being happy. Now, he might not realise that's what he's saying to you, but perhaps if you pointed out that he's clearly prioritising his sister's happiness over yours, then he might decide that 'keeping the peace' is less important than 'happy wife'. He can't have both.

Thankyou for all the replies!
Answering about 'is she up to something' when she goes to the park-as far as I see she thinks he gods gift and she feels so lucky to have him.He looks 60 years old maximum,works out,uses sunbeds,wears designer clothes,lovely watch,lovely cars,lovely holidays,hes confident(I'd say arrogant)..I've never met a man of that age anything like this!Of course thats his lifestyle choice and doesn't have an impact on me but he loves himself and talks about himself..he won't ask you how you are etc..
Also why he doesn't go park/do nappies/do night feeds and all the other things is that he gave this baby to SIL as what they describe as a 'precious gift'.He always stated he didn't want children as he has his own who are in their 40's.My SIL managed to change his mind and now he will only hold her when she's clean,fed and not crying.
Once the baby cried(quite loudly) and he said 'take this awful little cow away from me'.
I met his grown up children once before and they were self obsessed,rude just like him really.
My SIL is like a little girl around him and wants to please him and I think she loves to take her anger and spite on me.
I feel like printing this thread and every time she texts I can read it and politely decline seeing her/him.

Sounds as if he bullies/belittles her & she does the same to you.

TBH, in your last post you also sound a little in awe of him.

Is there anything really that extraordinary about a man who has the time/money to look after themselves & therefore look younger than they are?

I feel a little sorry for your sil. Gilded cage springs to mind...

However, no reason for you to put up with her if she is nasty to you and your children.

Diddl-honestly I'm not in awe of him at all..I know it may have sounded that way but I was trying to describe why she thinks he's so amazing..I was trying to think of 'positives' about why she could stand him and its not his personality it's the material side and the security IMVHO.

And no theres nothing extraordinary about it..nothing is more off putting than that much vanity and shallowness.

Oak-I know what you mean..that's why I always let them come over for coffee etc and then the nasty comments come out again and I'm angry at myself all over again.
When I went to give my neice a present dh and dc were asked to wait in the car.
If they actually invite me in they make me take my shoes off actually outside but when they've come to mine they have never taken their shoes off.Things like that make me question myself for being such an idiot/soft touch.

OK, sorry.

Yes, I almost feel sorry for your SIL-except that she´s so nasty to you & there´s no need for that.

Is she very immature?

I feel very lucky to have my husband, but I´m sure you can´t tell by my treatment of him

Yes, print it out and read it every time you either see them or are wondering whether you ought to see them. It will help.

Tell her fuck off. Do you want your child to grow up being treated like dogs?

FT... this is ridiculous. What's in it for you? You are never going to be bosom pals with SIL, your DCs are never going to be close to each other 'cos SIL has said so, so what's the point? If I were you, I would make some strong friendships with other Mums and forget this woman, she is nothing to you, she isn't YOUR family.

You sound like a lovely person but (and don't take this wrong) you need to stand up for yourself a bit more. It sounds to me as if SIL and her OH get off on making you feel small or something. I would NOT have anyone treat me like that EVER and I would pick up on absolutely every slight that a woman like that said to me. In the end, she wouldn't want to be in touch with me because I wouldn't let her get away with anything. I think you must start doing the same. Question her when she says 'our DCs will never be in the same room together'. Say 'Why?' and add that if that's the case there isn't a lot of point because you are only seeing her because your two DCs are cousins.

Agree with Helliebean continuing in this relationship is masochistic!!

Chance accident of birth has landed you in each others lives - beyond that there is no bond - you are answering the call of duty but with no reward and only plenty of punishment.

So you were young and shy when the dynamic was established. That was then - you need to exert the fact that you are not that shy doormat anymore - what lesson are your dc's learning?

My own Mum has been very much a doormat all her life (not saying you are now - though you seem trapped in aspic with this one particular couple) and it rubbed off on me in all sorts of detrimental ways - took me years to shed that burden.

The more I think about this the weirder it is, actually.

How old is your sil's baby? Is she very very tiny still?

Thankyou everyone.
Hellie-I know it's ridiculous you're completely right.I wouldn't let a stranger ever treat me like this.When I have stood up for myself they've been all 'wow you go girl!We didn't think you were like that..We always thought you were such an unassuming sweet girl'
Then I've said how 'funny' it was to be called a girl all of the time when I'm a mother and a wife.
What I think it is YES I have been a pathetic walk over and I'm angry at myself at it but I've spent YEARS being so polite than when I do stand up for myself I'm a cow whereas SIL is ALWAYS a cow so it doesn't stand out when she's rude and bitchy.
I know the answer deep down is that they're not nice and like many posters have said I get nothing from this relationship.
I know the asnswer and thats to be 'busy' untill they get the hint.
Thankyou everyone for your advice it means alot as I have no family on my side living near so feel like I need honest opinions from someone not involved in this wonderful family of mine(MIL is 1000 time WORSE so it's not difficult to understand where she gets it from).

They sound horrific. I'd avoid till the end of time. You ahve the moral high ground so no need to feel guilty.

You're busy til the 12th of forever.

I think she might be quite jealous of you, hence why she puts you down- classic way for jealous insecure people to make themselves feel better imo. Or she's a self important knob.

Either way, she's clearly vile and it's very dodgy using you as an alibi (wonder what she's actually up to?). I'd just keep dropping her in it with her badtempered husband. But then I'm a cow.

There's no rule that any of us have to put up with awful people just because of a family relationship. Screen her (and her DH's) calls so she can't put you on the spot and just be unavailable no matter what she suggests. Send birthday cards/token gifts for niece by post. I've got a SIL I can't stand, this method has worked for the past 15 years.

Gin-I can relate to you about your mum being a walkover as mine was too and she always felt 'hard done by' as she wouldn't stick up for herself.
I don't want to be that way.I'm no way near as bad as I was.I don't want to have to tell her to feck off(even though I would LOVE to)it would make me go below her level so I guess I have to ignore and keep on doing that.We live so close I just wished we didn't.

Oak-yes very tiny

This is a narcissistic idiot, don't waste any more of your precious time even contemplating her, she sounds AWFUL just AWFUL.
Be blunt say no out right never give excuses just NO will suffice.
Eventually if she still hasn't got the message tell her what you've just told us, people like this need to grow up and stop being such bloody bullies.