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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weddings again - aibu?

103 replies

tallblonde · 12/04/2012 22:26

DH is from Oz. His brother is getting married in October, so we've spent almost 4k on flights for me, DH and 2DS, who are 3yrs and 18mth, to go over. The flight will be torture, but I was happy to go through the pain (!) for a big family event. However, BIL has now announced that children are not invited so we have to find a babysitter, bearing in mind that all family members will be attending the wedding and our DSs don't know anyone else in Oz.

I understand that people don't want kids at weddings BUT I think it's well out of order to expect us to travel half way around the world and spend thousands that we can ill afford when our LOs - their nephews that they are yet to meet - aren't even invited, and to expect us to be happy to leave them with a stranger - if we can find a sitter at all. I'm furious about this and find it incredibly rude that DH's brother is showing such contempt for his brother's kids, but DH doesn't want to rock the boat. AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 15/04/2012 14:11

Why should it be up to guests to ask the couple if it's a child free wedding . My friend had a child free wedding and let us know months in advance so we could sort out childcare

Bue · 15/04/2012 14:30

Geez, what is with some brides and grooms? I've got a whole bunch of people flying across an ocean for my wedding this summer, and I am literally going out of my mind with making sure they are taken care of and have a great time and know how much we appreciate the journey they've made.

And then other people try to make it as difficult as possible for their friends and family I just do not get it!

Bue · 15/04/2012 14:39

I've just realized that your DH's whole family is in Oz. Not that I still don't think the situation is rude (I do), but is the wedding in the area where his family and friends live? Then surely you have friends and family there who know/use reliable babysitters and can sort one out for the kids during the wedding? If a 'stranger' is a concern you could organize for the kids to meet them beforehand.

thepigflu · 15/04/2012 14:47

My friend had a child free wedding and let us know months in advance so we could sort out childcare

The wedding is in October, that is six months away

pigletmania · 15/04/2012 16:48

This was local though. There is noway that I would fly halfway round the wrd without my children. Noway would I leave them with strangers in a strange country, op has every right not to go.

pigletmania · 15/04/2012 16:50

The bride and groom should have stated that the wedding would be childfree on announcing their wedding, not after. They are being tall selfish

cocoachannel · 15/04/2012 17:52

We went to a wedding in Queensland last year, and although the bride and groom were very happy to have our DD there (then 8 mths) we didn't want her staying up into the evening reception so hired an agency babysitter who cared for her at the venue through the meal and reception. I don't see how that is any different to hiring an agency sitter in the UK- they have a CRB equivalent I think it is called a blue card.not worked very well.

cocoachannel · 15/04/2012 17:52

Sorry that should say, 'it worked very well'.

Iwantcandy · 15/04/2012 18:03

YANBU. Either treat it as a holiday and don't go to the wedding or cash in your tickets and dont go. Or if dh wants to still go, let him. We had a child free wedding except for children of relatives who'd had a long way to come. I bought them gift bags with stuff to keep them entertained during the meal (bubbles, balloons, colouring in etc)

Coconutty · 15/04/2012 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hownoobrooncoo · 15/04/2012 18:19

we had a sort of child free wedding apart from nieces and nephews and the children of those who were having to travel and stay over night. everyone else was local and had family to babysit so YANBU in thinking this shouldn't apply to you. OTOH, we have also attended overseas weddings and events with young children and the best plan was to have the children attend some of the wedding and then hand them over to approved babysitters. Not everyone would do this but we have and it was never a problem also meant we could have a good time and not have to deal with overtired children. This could be a good compromise and you might get to enjoy some of the wedding.

MeconiumHappens · 15/04/2012 22:22

YANBU, bastards.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 15/04/2012 22:25

I don't blame you.

plutocrap · 16/04/2012 00:19

It's not necessarily a question of the parents' being unwilling to hand their children over, but sometimes of children's not wanting to go to strangers. My 4yo hates being left, and even if I would like to be able to do it, I can't really, and it would be mean to try!

thepigflu · 16/04/2012 04:16

The OP isn't giving the couple a chance to bend over backwards to accommodate them, she hasn't told them there is a problem.

Not everybody knows upon announcing their engagement whether the wedding is going to be child free or not.

The OP's husband hasn't taken his kids back to visit his family in three years and you are all encouraging her to cancel the trip and send him alone, I just find this strange.

Thumbwitch · 16/04/2012 04:28

I'd cancel my ticket and the children's. No way I'd pay that much to go half way around the world not to go to the wedding. Sod that. (Bearing in mind that I live in Australia and travel back to the UK every year).

venusandmars · 16/04/2012 08:07

I'm not sure that it's always so black and white. One of my family was married recently and nearly half the guests had a long distance to travel. In the days around the wedding there were lots of family events that all children were invited to, and which catered fully to their needs - outside space, suitable food, appropraite timings. The bride and groom loved being there with the children.

The wedding however was held in a venue which was not child-friendly (city centre hotel, no garden). One family member didn't / couldn't arrange child care, and tbh it looked as though the whole day was a bit of a nightmare for them, and it didn't look like any fun for their dc. One child had to be taken out of the ceremony, the mother missed half the meal pushing the youngest in pram up and down the hotel corridor trying to get him to sleep. The meal was long and elaborate and the oldest was passed from knee to knee during most of it. Poor child was squirming and unhappy - didn't know most of the relatives after all, and the mother missed all the speeches (which were long and adult). There was no room for a child to run around, or even to get down from the table and play on the floor. Then both parents left the evening do after half an hour because the dc were tired and fractious having had a miserable day.

I'm not suggesting that OP's BIL is right, but there's more to having children at a wedding than them just 'being there' iyswim.

sunnydelight · 16/04/2012 09:08

I'm all for child free weddings if that's what people want, but to let you book flights from the UK and not warn you beforehand that your kids would not be able to attend the wedding is really not on. If they had told you you would have had a choice.

Where is the wedding? I'm in Sydney so could watch the kids for a few hours hours or find you someone I know personally to babysit if by any chance it's city/Northern beaches area (and it's not my college weekend). Yes, I'm a total stranger but the Brighton MN crew will vouch for me and I'm police checked to work with children

BiddyPop · 16/04/2012 10:31

We had a "child-free" wedding, 12 years ago. My mum made that edict (me and DH had pretty much nothing to do with the "rules" of "our" day) but had the decency to let everyone know well in advance. (And not a LOT of kids to consider anyway, luckily.)

We made an exception for 1 of DH's cousins - the main family lived in the UK (DH's aunt and uncle, and most of their own kids, DH/DWs and DGrandkids) but one of their kids lived in HK with her DH and less than 1 year old. So while the rest of DH's cousins either organised childcare at home in UK, or just sent best wishes and didn't come themselves; the cousin from HK came with tot and DH and made a family trip of it to see her parents and visit her siblings in UK afterwards before heading back to HK.

Your DH should ask his Bro for reputable childcare agencies that he could recommend, as you had already paid for flights. But coming halfway around the world, I am sure the kids would be welcome in ceremony once staying quiet (so you, as "less direct" relative, should have distractions and be ready to take them out if they make a squeak at all) and perhaps just organise a kiddie meal in the wedding hotel and a hotel babysitter for later to allow you and DH enjoy the evening.

totallyskint · 16/04/2012 12:14

My sister is in Bondi and is the best child carer on the planet if that's any help I would absolutely guarantee that your children would not only be safe and well cared for, but would have a blast. Not much help if you're going to be in Darwin, however...

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/04/2012 12:17

YANBU at all. It's unfair of them to spring it on you when you've booked tickets to travel to the other side of the world to see them!

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 16/04/2012 12:26

OP see how accommodating the BIL and his partner are. If they have lots of good solutions, it could work.

I have sympathy though because they may not have a clue or think it's anything to do with them, helping you organise.

A few years ago DH and I were invited to a 40th birthday party with people who had children themselves. Not possible for children to attend the party, which was in the evening. Fine, but ALSO no suggestion at all for babysitters, no idea where to start even though they lived in the town. They were in the fortunate place of having both sets of grandparents nearby plus a circle of babysitting mates, all of whom were attending the party. Originally we were invited to stay with them, chucked out as well in favour of relatives, no suggestions for nearby accommodation, we were to sort it all out ourselves. We could have found a B &B/hotel but that would not have been a great location to look after kids in for the evening and this was before I knew about Sitters - I had no idea what we were going to do, if they couldn't offer any suggestions to us.

So, I have sympathies with the OP for thinking this could be tricky - I don't think this is being unreasonable.

Hopefully they can and will be more helpful. I don't think it's insurmountable but give yourselves enough time.

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 12:56

Thepigflu - you might not know when announcing your engagement, but surely by the time you've picked your venue you should know? That said, my SIL also decided to send out invites and then uninvite DCs a few weeks before. That was only one of her many bridezilla moments. she's sort of returned to normal...

porcamiseria · 16/04/2012 13:00

yanbu! fucking charming

porcamiseria · 16/04/2012 13:03

I think an email stating:

thnaks for letting us know that the wedding is child free. As (a) family are all at event and (b) we dont know anyone we wanteed to ask if you will make an excpetion for the DS? If not (and we understand this is possible)- can you let us know if you have any ideas ref childcare

cunts!

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