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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings again - aibu?

103 replies

tallblonde · 12/04/2012 22:26

DH is from Oz. His brother is getting married in October, so we've spent almost 4k on flights for me, DH and 2DS, who are 3yrs and 18mth, to go over. The flight will be torture, but I was happy to go through the pain (!) for a big family event. However, BIL has now announced that children are not invited so we have to find a babysitter, bearing in mind that all family members will be attending the wedding and our DSs don't know anyone else in Oz.

I understand that people don't want kids at weddings BUT I think it's well out of order to expect us to travel half way around the world and spend thousands that we can ill afford when our LOs - their nephews that they are yet to meet - aren't even invited, and to expect us to be happy to leave them with a stranger - if we can find a sitter at all. I'm furious about this and find it incredibly rude that DH's brother is showing such contempt for his brother's kids, but DH doesn't want to rock the boat. AIBU?

OP posts:
BabsJansen · 13/04/2012 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleeplessinsuburbia · 13/04/2012 09:22

First time I've ever thought kids should be at a wedding!

5inabed · 13/04/2012 09:38

This happened to me too! We flew from Scotland to America for a wedding with 15 month old dd and 10 month old dn and after we had booked flights and accomodation we were told the kids couldn't go and offered a friend of the brides sister to babysit. Hmmm no not happy to leave 2 babies with a stranger in a strange place. My sils husband and myself stayed at the rented house while everyone else went. I was raging had bought new dresses for me and my dd for the wedding and would not have spent all that money to stay in a small town on a sunday with everything shut and no beach or park nearby. Then to top it off bil accidentally shut my dds fingers in the fridge door.

pingu2209 · 13/04/2012 09:46

Have you spoken to your mother and father in law - perhaps they can get your brother in law to see sence. I would call in the grandparents to help.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/04/2012 09:48

your dh really does have to say something. If his brother had been upfront, right at the start, then you maybe would have decided not to go, and therefore saved yourself the £4k on flights.

There is no way on earth, I'd leave my children with a stranger.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 13/04/2012 10:29

I guess you all have relatives nearby to help with babysitting...we don't. I have in the past had to use babysitters who's references I checked BUT would have technically been 'strangers' to the DCs. Also, it's not like they are going to a country where the babysitter woudln't speak the language.

It could be that BIL thinks the situation is as simple as this.

If this were a wedding in the UK - it's possible it might be.

IF you were staying in a place where the children coudl be reasonably entertained for several hours (a hotel room would NOT be such a place, relatives house might be) and IF a vetted babysitter could be sourced locally (perhaps with help from your BIL.) It is not always so easy to do this - which your BIL may also have no clue about. "It'll be fine," he'll say and then you'll get there and be scrambling and forking out AD$ 200 for an agency nanny.

It does make a difference that you've travelled thousands of miles at great expense. Normal rules like - not enough room, we want a quiet service don't apply in this case. He should be unbelievably grateful you're doing it all - unless he's one of these people who thinks his brother 'owes' him or something by coming back.

Email him:

"BIL - due to the constraints with our accommodation and the difficulties we will have sourcing a babysitter in OZ remotely that the children will settle with (since they won't know the person at all), it is not going to be practical to arrange to leave the children behind at the hotel on the day. I hope you understand."

soverylucky · 13/04/2012 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 13/04/2012 10:42

Ignorant feckers, who the hell do they think they are? You should all ditch their sodding wedding and go and off and have a fab family holiday!

anewmotivatedme · 13/04/2012 10:48

Can you tell your BIL, that you will be looking after the children for the day, and it will just be your DH attending.

See if that makes them change their mind?

ChaoticAngel · 13/04/2012 19:12

YANBU

I'm all for child free weddings but in this case it's ridiculous. Your DH really does need to have a word, rocking the boat or no...coward Hmm

If I were you I'd cancel mine and the DCs tickets (can you get most of your money back if you do?) and then email BIL, and cc your PIL, telling him that only DH will be attending, as you're not prepared to leave your DC with strangers. This will either save you money and a hellish journey or your PIL might put pressure on him when they realise they won't get to see their DGC.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/04/2012 19:19

YANBU, that's ridiculous!

iscream · 15/04/2012 04:12

I just re read this and it occurred to me that if cousin had said in the original invitation no kids, you may not have decided not to attend, and probably would not have bought 4 tickets, maybe just one, so your dh could attend. Can you cancel the tickets? Or dh ask his brother to reimburse him for them?

HolyCalamityJane · 15/04/2012 06:13

What complete arseholes! Your children are the BIL's flesh and blood apart from anything else. For our wedding it was child free apart from my sister's kids how can he not want his close family there???? Prick!
For a wedding present buy them a large framed photo of your lovely DC's in one of those family frames!Angry

Alligatorpie · 15/04/2012 06:24

I thought nieces / nephews of the bride / groom were usually exempt from the no children policy?

Your husband needs to have a word. Or cancel your tickets and go somewhere you really want to go.

wheresthepopcorn · 15/04/2012 08:18

They should be organising/paying for the babysitters

pigletmania · 15/04/2012 09:04

Good on you. Just your dh should go, and you and the kids have a nice day somewhere else. What a selfish prick. You ave travelled half way round the world and spent oodles of money, and this is he h treas you all. He should have warned you way beforehand

DPrince · 15/04/2012 09:05

If this was us dh would have told them that none of us were attending and just had a holiday. Especially since they told you this after you booked, its not on. If people don't want kids at their wedding, that's fine. But to tell you after you have paid for a flight and the only option is to leave them with a stranger. I would tell bil your not coming and then call pils to explain. More than likely as bil is so U, he won't see the reason as valid and it may make your dh look bad.

Eglu · 15/04/2012 09:43

It seems to me that bil has possibly said no kids after flights were booked as he knew that you may not come, and pil probably wanted you all there to see the dgc.

I really think your dh should take a stand for his family here.

everlong · 15/04/2012 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thepigflu · 15/04/2012 10:12

I do think you are being unreasonable in the whole tone of your post. And all the posters who say they agree with child free weddings but not in this case, so because the grooms brother has decided to live in England the couple are not allowed to have a child free wedding?

I personally don't think weddings should be child free but when I was planning mine I did initially have the idea of a child free one because I thought that the people with kids would appreciate an adult night out. Once I spoke to my sister and realised what a hassle it would be and how much the kids wanted to come I organized a babysitter to look after the kids in another part of the venue so that their parents could eat in peace but kids were still part of the event. I honestly think a lot of childless people don't realise that this is an issue for parents.

Have you tried talking to your BIL and future SIL or are you just throwing your toys because they aren't falling over themselves with gratitude at the sacrifices you are making? I actually think you should have asked them before you booked your tickets, based on the number of posts on here about this it is hardly unusual. To expect them to be thinking about
your personal circumstances is quite egocentric, just ask them.

On a practical note you might be able to line up a babysitter through the childcare centre, they will be police checked and qualified and you could meet them and introduce the kids a few days before the wedding.

doihavetonamechange · 15/04/2012 10:19

I am the bigest advocate of bride and groom can do what they want, but not in this case, flying over to Oz from here should mean they are invited, are you sure he means they arent, I went to a child free party, was a nightmare finding someone to have a NB, only for them to ask where baby was as they hadnt dreamt I wouldnt bring it

ChaoticAngel · 15/04/2012 10:39

If the BIL had said it was a child free wedding before they'd booked their tickets then I'd have said it was his choice and her DH could go on his own. However, he waited until after they'd spent £000's to tell them.

The OP and her DH may not feel comfortable leaving their DC with strangers, no matter how qualified they may be.

totallyskint · 15/04/2012 12:22

Could so easily be resolved... broach the subject by asking them to help by arranging a babysitter or at least ask around for recommendations who you can email.

I arrange babysitters to come to big events so friends with young children can bring them but not everyone thinks of this. If he doesn't have kids, it wouldn't occur to him, but don't be afraid to ask.

thepigflu · 15/04/2012 13:34

Completely respect the choice not to leave them with strangers. But did BIL say that the children could come to the wedding and then change tack, or did they just not think to mention it until now? (maybe they have the per head quote for the reception). I think it is up to parents to clarify whether children would be invited before they book their flights if it would be a factor in whether or not they come, I would never assume that kids would be invited.

This is also part of what it means to be married to someone from the other side of the world, that you would choose not to go to Australia just because the kids aren't invited to the wedding doesn't show a lot of respect for what yourDH has given up to relocate to the UK.

pigletmania · 15/04/2012 14:09

The pigflew it is up to the bride and groom to let guests know very early. No the op is not being unreasonable at al.

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