To want to scream "What about me?"

[katedan]

Dh has been offered a new job in a office about 1 hours drive away. It is a great chance for him as they are saying he might get promoted in about a years time if he makes a good go of it. I am very proud of him however it will my life alot harder as he will be out of the house at least 12 hours a day (Currently it is about 10 hours a day) I am a sahm who is desperate to get back into the workplace as I gave up a goodish job 3 years ago as we had 3 children under 6 and could not afford the childcare . There is not a day goes by when I do not regret this decsion as I had been there 15 years and pay was quite good so by now (all 3 children in F/T school) I would be bringing home some money. Obviously the job market is very bad and I cannot get another job. Have been offered a place to study at uni from September to hopefully have a better chance of a job when I graduated in 3 years time. DH was going to finish early one day a week to do school pick up so we onlyhad to pay out for childminder for one school pick up but with this new job that will no longer be possible. Uni will cost alot with tuition fees etc so to pay for childcare while I study will be crazy money.
I really felt now I had sacrificied so much of my life to be at home that it was now my time to do something but I feel this job and possible promotion will mean I will have to delay uni or returning to work.
I am very lonely at home and although love my children very much struggle to entertain them all day on my own. I clock watch all day till 6pm and he is home and that will now be 7pm at the earliest. All my friends work or have pre school children they are busy with and I am frightned about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

I know there are lots of people that will see me as lucky that I have been at home, I don't want to sound selfish but feel I really need to find a job and that seems like a impossible task at the moment. I am jealous that DH has been able to build up his career while I brought up our children and now I am unable to get any job and his career is going from strength to strength.

I apologise if I've read that wrong but the problem is over one day that he was going to pick the kids up?

If you pull in your belts a little further are you sure you can't afford to pay someone for that one extra day?

Surely if he's promoted in the future that leaves you both more income to spend on childcare?

Is there really, really no way to find the money for childcare? Does your husband's new job come with a payrise? What does he think of the situation?

I feel for you. I hope you can find a way to still go to uni.

OP, I empathise with you so much. I didn't choose to leave my job to become a SAHM, was laid off, but then decided not to look for something new....and 3 years on, my DH has also developed his career, working much longer hours, and there is almost no chance I can find a job to fit around DD's school hours when she starts in September and his work (although I do want to look). I'm very jealous of my DH. It's depressing beyond belief to think that I sacrificed my career, but have, as you say, the rest of my life to fill somehow. There has to be SOMETHING we can do!

I think you need to focus on getting back into the workplace yourself rather than on the fact that your dh will be doing a longer day. He's already out of the house 10 hours. If you get a job, you will need childcare anyway. So it's not like this new job will hold you back.

I think your dh could resent feeling held back when his employer thinks highly of him and is giving him a great opportunity .

I understand how bored and fed up youre feeling but I think you need to face that issue as a separate one- not tie it up with your dh. Presumably it was a joint decision to space your children as you did and then for you to stop working. Unfortunately you are now dealing with the consequences from that, and like many women you are struggling to get back.

Support your dh in his new job, and focus your energy on getting yourself back on the ladder

P.S. Was also planning to go to uni but we can't afford it :-(

Definitely your time! Do the children's school have after school clubs? If you've got all that lined you absolutely must do it! Might have to make use of formal childcare but there is nothing wrong with that. Stand your ground!

I can totally understand why you are so frustrated.

I think you should investigate other ways of getting back into the workforce rather than a 3 year degree. It will cost a fortune, and anyway these days even a degree isn't enough to get people into jobs necessarily.

What field are you in? Would it be possible to volunteer or temp or do freelance work in it, since you have time during the day? Could you set up your own business? Do an OU course?

There's always more than one path to get what you want... Don't give up, try to think of some other options.

OP I can understand how you feel, definitely. I'm a SAHM, my youngest is 1 now and we aren't having any more. I want to stay at home for another few years, but then I will need a plan to be able to return to work.

The way I am looking at things, is that the better DH's career is doing, the more money we will have available for childcare, course fees, professional exams and so on when I do decide to go back.

On that basis, I would be supportive of anything that is going to lead to a promotion.

Ok, look, it is doable. As worry said, really the only change in your circus is that one day of after school where you were anticipating dh to be able to do the collection whilst you are at college.

3x childcare for one night of after school is an expense, but there might be a cheaper option. Have they all got friends that you could arrange a weekly standing play date? And for you to reciprocate on a non-uni day? (from what you have said it looks as though you are only there two afternoons past school pick up?). Make sure to check out after school clubs etc as well, sometimes it works out better.

I do sympathise, have been in exactly the same boat (3 kids, studying, dh working long hours or away) and made do with an interesting and convoluted mish mash of different childminders, after school clubs, begging for help etc. it ain't easy, but it is of course more than possible. It depends how much you want it, and how much you want to play the victim.

(I didn't really mean that, but it is aibu. Quite why you posted it here is anyone's guess, but sure, have a moan if it makes you feel better)

Don't underestimate the workload of studying with 3 kids, by the way. I would turn up for college having done 3 school runs to 3 different settings (having painted one kid purple for book day or whatever), popped to the hospital to drop off some paperwork and collect some meds that had to be refrigerated, rushed home to get them in the fridge, then driven the 45 minutes to uni to get into lectures before 9.30, only to find a room half full of hungover teenagers moaning about the essay due in at the end of the week, with a handful more wandering in as the day progressed. Then dashing out at 5.30 to go and do two or three more pick ups from after school clubs or childminders, depending on what day it was, whilst they all drifted back to the bar.

Go on, lady. You can work it out. Don't be such a pessimist. You are talking about one day a week where your plans have changed for about 2 hours.

katedan & PoppyWearer get your heads together and start your own business....perhaps on the internet! Lots of mums have started very successful businesses this way.

Thank you for your support, I was expecting to be flamed for complaining when so may people are worse off. I do volunteer work at the moment which is fine and even applied for paid work with the charity but was unsuccessful. I was with the civil service before but am finding from feedback after interviews hat my experience is not recent enough in that field. There is currently little recruitment in civil service and I feel the recruitment freeze will continue for sometime. My first choice would not be uni but to get paid work however have been job hunting for 18 months now and feel if I am still looking in 2 years time I will regret that I did not take the degree route to improve my chances. I do not want to be at home when the kids are at school, I know it suits some people but I am lonely.

You are right that need to separate my lack of work issue with DH's new job and I have been supportive to his face but really need a MN rant to stop me doing it to him in RL.

HalfPastWine, good suggestion, DH thinks I should start a business, but my head is currently full of fog from broken nights. Hopefully those will end soon and my brain will begin to function again. OP, hope that is something you could do?

Take your degree.

They are his children too, what solution has your DH proposed for the day he cannot collect them from school?

As my timetable from uni will not be confirmed untill August and I am still deciding between going to uni and continue looking for a job I think he was thinking we would cross that bridge when we get there in terms of childminder or after school etc. It is not only the poss uni afternoon as he works so locally at the moment he has on occasions been able to come home early or pop back just to help from time to time (when one child has a doc appt etc) it is the realisation that he won't be able to do that (I know lots of lovely ladies never have this support and that I been fortunate) However I am so frightened about the future.

you made your choices when you decided to have three kids I suppose.

there will be plenty of time to go to university when they are more self sufficient

ignore her ^

Have you looked at the the open university? It's a lot cheaper than normal uni (if you get in quick) and you can fit your work in whilst the dc are school.

I understand your frustration.

Go to uni...really.

There is A LOT of help that you can access for paying for childcare, travel costs etc.

Actually joanna2012 I did not "choose" 3 kids the last 2 were twins which was when childcare became an issue and I gave up work

Could you start your degree through OU? Would be more flexible for childcare and allow you to keep applying for jobs in the meantime. Doesn't really resolve the being stuck at home aspect.

If you think of it logically there's no need to be frightened at all. You aren't going to be unable to pay the bills, and most places of study/work are very accommodating if you perhaps need to leave early one day per week, just ask.

Don't be afraid of asking for what you need!

I don't think the problem is ur dh new job, I think its that you want to work, I understand that completely. The need to be working is so strong for me. I didn't work for 2 years after having dd and it is sad and lonely sometimes

I think you need to just be careful not to take it out on dh.

I have considered OU but it is not for me. I need to be amongst people and I do really have a need to earn my own money again. Voluteering is great ad I still intend to do that aswell.

Very sorry for you katedan. I'm sorry for myself, too! I CHOSE to be a sahm (well, very part time worker) after DD was born, and I don't regret those years, but it definitely did screw up my career path. I'm incandescent with rage because I worked ten years part time as a standby for my boss, working weekend mornings, covering her holidays, training days, sickness etc.

She retired at Christmas and the (incompetent) next one up the hierarchy interviewed me along with four people from outside who were applying for her job.

The utter bastard appointed one of the outside applicants. I knew from the start of the interview that he wasn't taking my application seriously.

So now, for the next three years until I retire, I shall have to keep on working for one-eighth of the salary I'd have got if I'd been given the job I've been the understudy for for the last ten years.

And as for you, katedan, it's the bloody ridiculous tuition fees thing which is putting the kibosh on your prospects as much as anything else, isn't it? It was in order to help pay those bloody ridiculous tuition fees for my DD that I so wanted to earn a proper wage again.

You have my sympathy, you really do. You deserve better, as do I. We're good people, we want to work to improve our lives, but it's hard to see where the hope lies.

I hope things will change for the better somehow. I wish you well.