To want to scream "What about me?"

[katedan]

Dh has been offered a new job in a office about 1 hours drive away. It is a great chance for him as they are saying he might get promoted in about a years time if he makes a good go of it. I am very proud of him however it will my life alot harder as he will be out of the house at least 12 hours a day (Currently it is about 10 hours a day) I am a sahm who is desperate to get back into the workplace as I gave up a goodish job 3 years ago as we had 3 children under 6 and could not afford the childcare . There is not a day goes by when I do not regret this decsion as I had been there 15 years and pay was quite good so by now (all 3 children in F/T school) I would be bringing home some money. Obviously the job market is very bad and I cannot get another job. Have been offered a place to study at uni from September to hopefully have a better chance of a job when I graduated in 3 years time. DH was going to finish early one day a week to do school pick up so we onlyhad to pay out for childminder for one school pick up but with this new job that will no longer be possible. Uni will cost alot with tuition fees etc so to pay for childcare while I study will be crazy money.
I really felt now I had sacrificied so much of my life to be at home that it was now my time to do something but I feel this job and possible promotion will mean I will have to delay uni or returning to work.
I am very lonely at home and although love my children very much struggle to entertain them all day on my own. I clock watch all day till 6pm and he is home and that will now be 7pm at the earliest. All my friends work or have pre school children they are busy with and I am frightned about what I am going to do with the rest of my life.

I know there are lots of people that will see me as lucky that I have been at home, I don't want to sound selfish but feel I really need to find a job and that seems like a impossible task at the moment. I am jealous that DH has been able to build up his career while I brought up our children and now I am unable to get any job and his career is going from strength to strength.

Sorry to hear about your situation dotnet, what a horrible postion to be in i can totally understand your anger.

There is a glut of clever, talented, work hard group of mums and dads out there who have been totally bypassed by the system because they took a few years out to raise children. Unfortunatly in the current climate we have been hit hardest because there is so many people out there looking for work with more recent expereince (Not in your case dotnet whe you were doing the job already!). 10 years ago you took a few years off and then returned (maybe at less pay etc) but you have the opputunity to spend the next 25 years building your career back up. Now it seems once you are out the doors are firmly shut behind you.

You need to talk to your DH. There seems to be an underlying assumption here that his career will come first, over and abover your re-entry to the workplace.

The extra commuting will mean that when you do go to work, a large part of the evening childcare will naturally fall to you. This will just be an added pressure on top of a full day's work. You will also find yourself doing most the domestic work, because he is never there.

I don't think it's fair that your career takes a back seat, while his goes stratospheric. He needs to take his childcare responsibilities more seriously, instead of just expecting you to pick up any slack, otherwise you will be where I am in 15 years time you will end up resentful, and that will kill your marriage.

I think you should go to university and not worry about work for the next three years.

You'll be able to spend time working on a subject that really interests you. How often can you do that in life?

Then you'll meet some new friends - that's not a given at work.

Also, if the children are sick, a university is a lot more patient than an employer. Just make sure you work ahead of schedule in case something crops up with one of the kids.

As far as the money's concerned, get a student loan, just like all the teenagers do. Don't worry about paying it back - you have to earn about £20,000 before they even start deducting it and that's ages off yet.

I'm really jealous actually at the thought of going back to university - I'd love to do it. What do you plan to study?

Thanks, katedan. You will be younger than me, so there is a chance things may turn around for you somehow. I truly hope they do.

If you're brave, and if you can afford it, taking on a franchise of some kind could be an idea, maybe? I know that probably wipes out the target of a university course for now, but it might get you off the ground into a career again and then in a few more years' time, you could do a university course when your nest is more feathered - ?

It wouldn't hurt to look into that as a possibility. Just a thought; it could work.

Crockoduck, I have absolutely no idea what planet you live on, but if it's the same one as me, I'd love to hear about all this help towards travel costs and childcare when you are self funding uni? Please do share. Genuinely. Because I missed that trick.

I went to university many years ago when my kids were small. A "full time" course doesn't actually require you to be on site full time hours. I managed to keep on 2 PT jobs, be FT at university and have a 45 min commute each way as well as looking after 4 kids.

IIRC I had 3 days when I was there pretty much all day, one day I didn't go in at all (went to work) and one day when I had to go in for a lecture from 11-12pm, so worked 8-10, dashed to uni, dashed back to work and worked 1-5pm. Wouldn't recommend that much dashing but it meant I could fit everything in. Managed to take the kids to school every day but had to get someone to pick them up. If they have an ASC at their school then that is probably your answer.

Good luck

I think honestly you're being a bit short-sighted about OU. If you're basically saying 'I need to be around people so can't do the only study that I can afford and can manage childcare round' I feel honestly that you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. You know you can always start a degree with OU and then transfer those credits onto another course, don't you? So you can change to a traditional uni if your circs change.

OU provides a virtual support network of committed fellow students who will understand the pressures you are under far more than a group of 18 yo undergrads.

I went to uni as a single parent 7 years ago.

I got 100% of my childcare & travel costs paid through access funds - non-repayable.

These are funds specifically given to the university by the government to help keep people studying if finances might otherwise stop them.

"Self-funding" is neither here nor there - it's not just for people getting grants etc....it's for everyone, including part-timers.

And the universities WANT you to have the money. If they have surplus left at the end of the year, the govt. reduces the amount they get for the next - so they make very, very sure that every penny is used.

(Your tone is a bit out of order, tbh. If you wanted information, just ask).

*They might not be called "access funds any more, but the money is still available.

@Madwomanintheattic

www.merlinhelpsstudents.com/studentlife/yourfinances/studentfinance/accessfunds.asp

I don't see why op have to sort the child care, while her husband career is getting better.

His new job sounds good but it on the sacrifice of the op

Crock - those funds are not available if you have a spouse who is earning.

Did you not have the option of a career break?

Lol, nice idea. For a married couple with kids and partner in ft employment, I have yet to see any cash offered. As soon as you have a partner in ft employment, you are expected to budget your childcare and travel yourself.

OP, I 100% agree with your last post (17:37). Such a waste of talent. And a waste of the taxpayer's invested money, for those of us who went through further/higher education when we were younger!

Our new business shall be something that harvests all the wasted talent and...umm...does something with it. For which other people will pay millions.

But seriously, you are not alone OP. If you do find a solution, please let me know!

P.S. We are the hidden "unemployed" of this recession...imagine if we all suddenly started claiming Jobseeker's Allowance?

I can understand as a single parent you would have been offered financial support. For married students, there is feck all.

It's a rather nice way of making you financially dependent on your partner. Just like being a sahp, really. Except that you are forking out for fees, childcare, and travel that you wouldn't be ordinarily. Guaranteed to fill the colleges with married women, really.

It makes me a leetle bit cross. Almost as if it's deliberately difficult for married women to get back into training and better employment, because they are really more suited to crappy back to work jobs at tesco down the road.

In the end dh took out a personal loan at an extortionate rate of interest to pay my fees etc. my application for a career development loan (which at the time was offered by 3 banks?) was turned down because I had been out of country in the previous 3 years. Serving in the British military. You couldn't make it up, really.

Quite, poppy. I'm 41 and have never claimed unemployment or any benefit due to being out of work as a sahm. It was a choice. I've worked ft and pt, and at one point couldn't work ft because dd2 was born with a physical disability. In my naïveté I assumed I'd be entitled to carer's allowance. Nah. Because i worked 2 days a month when dh wasn't working at the weekend. Ridiculous.

Really feel for you. Keep on keeping on, OP, get that degree and get yourself back in job market. It'll be hard work but you can do it.

This is why I always advise women to stay in work at least PT after having kids.
I worked PT for six months after both then went FT again. Now I'm at the top of my profession (10 years after having first dc). Sorry if that's unhelpful but it's a shout out to all first time mothers to beware (DISCLAIMER: IT IS ALSO FAB AND GREAT AND OK AND FULFILLING TO BE AN AT HOME MOTHER IF THAT IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE!!)

And Apols for tone. (had a small panic that my struggle for years might have been unnecessary, and despite trying to find solutions and failing, there really might have been some way to get aid)

It's the same with access to financial support for children with disabilities. If the child with the disability is in a two parent family, with no extraneous circumstances such as drug abuse or serious history of domestic violence, there is pretty much no chance of any funds for respite care. None at all. You are not in need. It doesn't matter if your marriage is falling apart under the strain of looking after a child with a disability 24/7, until you are a single parent social services aren't interested.

I do understand the hierarchy of need though - the money available (for either respite care or to get people into uni) doesn't match the need. the system isn't perfect, but without a massive injection of unavailable cash, I can't see it changing.

It's pretty grim. And women do seem to bear the brunt of it.

If the new job comes with more money, you need to sit him down and say that as he's going to be able to do less and you want to go back to work or study, then that extra money has to be seen as just to cover childcare - possibly more if that won't cover it.

If the new job doesn't come with more money or it doesn't cover childcare expenses, then it's ok to say that this isn't a benefit to the whole family if his job costs you your chance of career/study for a better career. Long term, his job change has to be best for the whole family, you are a team, not a star and the support crew, his career doesn't happen in isolation to the rest of you.

Don't just think "What about me?" - say it to him! If he's not prepared to discuss it, then he's an arse and you've got bigger problems.

It's why parents of disabled kids often decide to give up work and live off benefits, or split up, because ss will offer support that way.

I've yet to hear of a couple splitting up so that the woman can get financial aid for uni, but I suspect that's only because of the societal expectation that they should sahm until their kids are older (see for example that poster above that told the op to shelve the idea of uni as her job was to sahm until her kids were self sufficient)

Woman, know your place.

I'm not convinced getting a degree will help your chances in the workplace right now. You'd do better to find a temp or maternity cover role similar to your old job then use that experience to find somewhere permanently. The payback period for the degree will be huge and they are so common now they aren't really valuable any more.

I agree Lydia, love your idea of the star and support crew, not how it should be. In my case, I did tell my DH recently that his career choices had been to the detriment of our family life (not my career as such, but I said we were happier and better off financially when we both worked) and he did take it on the chin. He does now regret his last career move and is trying to find something else. But until the economy improves and more flexible-hours jobs return, he may remain our sole earner, inevitably on long hours to support our mortgage and bills (which we took on when we were both earning). It's seemingly very difficult to find a decently-paid part-time job at the moment unless you're already an employee of a company. I thought I had it sussed with a part-time job after my DC1 was born, only for my w*nker of an ex-boss to make me redundant. He was American and nearing retirement and never got the part-time/working from home thing. OP, you DO need to tell your DH or you will feel resentful six months down the line, believe me. And he has a chance to make a change to help you NOW.

Wow thank you so much for your replies - love MN for chatting to people who understand. DH did not apply for the job he was offered it as a career progression as it might lead to promotion in a year or so. It is ot more money for the next year but if promoted would lead to a pay rise. Which does mean at the moment no "extra" money for childcare but I know that is the same for lots of families. Had not thought about the idea of OU and working but encouraged by the fact others have taken on studying, work and kids and survivied. Tried to speak to DH earlier but he really feels it is a good opputunity and has promised he will help when he can to ecourage me to get a job/study. I think he thinks that school hours jobs are falling out of the sky!