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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by my friend not calling

55 replies

clams · 11/04/2012 20:14

I think this might sounds a bit playground but my feelings are hurt and I need an outside perspective.

My really good friend of 15 years came 200 miles to see another couple of friends who live 5 miles away from me for the Easter weekend. The friends she was visiting aren't people I'm close to but they are people I see socially and who I've been on holiday with. Anyway, despite me leaving a message on my friend's vm last week asking what her plans were, she didn't contact me and all weekend they were on facebook saying what an a-mazing time they were having shopping/drinking/socialising with various people. (I know - but I couldn't stop myself from reading it.)

I speak to her weekly and see her maybe 3 or 4 times a year and had arranged to go to her house next month (along with the people she was near me visiting!). I feel quite pissed off that she didn't call, even if it was to say she didn't have time to see me, and that they had to go on and on on bloody facebook about the fun they were having that I could've easily been invited along to.

Just so as not to drip, she's been ttc for a long time and obviously avoids my DD (the other 2 don't have children). As I try to be v sensitive to this and arrange things away from my DD and hardly talk about her I suggested in my vm I'd come over to see them for a drink (ie childless activity). Now that I'm annoyed I'm building this all up in my head and thinking of times she's snubbed my DD and getting ratty - AIBU?

OP posts:
rissotto · 11/04/2012 20:16

She ignores your dd and can't be arsed coming to see you when she's 5 miles away? Some friend!

whackamole · 11/04/2012 20:18

I don't think you are unreasonable, but I can't think of a way round it Sad

It really used to upset me as well that my best friend would spend all day on her phone to her boyfriends and never call me, I would travel 200 miles several times a year to see her and she came to me once. The worst thing was when we went on holiday she spent the entire week texting a married man who was on holiday in Australia (so mega bucks) which really brought it home how she never even texted me once when I was living in Canada for 4 months.

Grabaspoon · 11/04/2012 20:19

Could it be that she's recently Mc and seeing DD would be too upsetting?

LapOfTheGods · 11/04/2012 20:20

It might just be too upsetting for her...

rissotto · 11/04/2012 20:21

Sorry, that was a bit brusque. I don't think you're 'building it up in your head' tbh, her behaviour has been pretty hurtful and I'm not surprised it's made you question other aspects of your friendship with her. The only thing I can say in her defence is that perhaps she's aware that you will be spending time together next month and so didn't feel obliged to ask you along this time. But really, I don't think she's been very kind and you're right to be miffed.

rissotto · 11/04/2012 20:23

The op offered to do something child-free with this friend and says she tries not to mention her dd, so can it still really be linked to her ttc?

BareBums · 11/04/2012 20:23

I don't think shes a very nice friend.
So she's had her problems and you've been sensitive but she still avoids you and ignores you? Hmm
I say drop contact and if she wants to see you let her call. But I wouldn't be arranging anything with her iykwim

Original poster
clams · 11/04/2012 20:41

Thanks all. Grabaspoon and LOTG, I dont want to sound insensitive but I don't understand how I'm upsetting if I barely refer to my DD and don't bring her? Could her existence be upsetting?

Rissotto you didn't sound brusque, it's exactly how I feel right now. I don't know if it is linked to her ttc. Perhaps the other 2 friends don't like me? I've been wracking my brains to think of offence I could've caused and becoming a bit neurotic.

Barebums I think I'll do that - I really can't be arsed with making any effort at the mo. Whackamole, that's so thoughtless, did you maintain your friendship?

OP posts:
skateboarder · 11/04/2012 20:50

Op you have my sympathy. She doesnt deserve a friend like you. Friendship is meant to be a two way street.
I had a friend clear out recently and deleted fb. It is refreshing.

rissotto · 11/04/2012 20:53

Have you thought of saying something to her like 'I was a bit disappointed we didn't get to meet up while you were in the area' ? No more than that and just see what excuse reason she comes up with. However I would totally understand if you just want to retreat from her for a while...

BellaCB · 11/04/2012 20:58

I have to agree with rissotto, could you try asking (gently) first and see what she says? It is a very difficult situation because if she is ttc it may be that she has some real issues with your DD which she is finding it hard to deal with. However, if she does come out with some excuse then she doesn't sound worth being friends with. You sound like you are being an incredibly sensitive friend and she doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
clams · 11/04/2012 20:59

Rissotto I had to sit on my hands to not type a passive agressive fb message about her losing her phone. I know I should ask her but I feel really awkward and I think she'll just fudge the reason so I'm not sure if there's a point?

OP posts:
Original poster
clams · 11/04/2012 21:01

Thanks BellaCB. I'm feeling more like a mug/rejected right now than sensitive so the compliment is appreciated!

OP posts:
Winkly · 11/04/2012 21:04

When I go back home, I have so many people to see I don't always call everyone, just because its impossible to squeeze them all in. Perhaps it was more like this, as she's seeing you so soon anyway, rather than a snub?

everlong · 11/04/2012 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
clams · 11/04/2012 21:22

I'd love that to be the explanation Winkly but she's not from here, she went to see the other 2 people only.

everlong I'd usually defend her to the hilt but right now I'm seeing a lot of faults and I don't know if I'm hurt and dredging up/imagining slights or whether I'm a mug and a crap judge of character.

OP posts:
everlong · 11/04/2012 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marathonrunner · 11/04/2012 21:28

I think you have tried very hard to be nice esp. re not mentioning your daughter and trying to plan childless things but your "friend" is just throwing it back in your face. If it is about your daughter then that is unacceptable, she needs to get over it and accept that other people can have kids even if she can't. Sorry if that sounds really harsh but too many childless people seem to snub children/people with children as if there are a finite number of children in the world and by you having one it is somehow affecting her chances of having one.

My point: She's being a rubbish friend and you deserve better Grin

RubyrooUK · 11/04/2012 21:37

I think it's worth sending your friend a message saying: "How are you? Looking forward to seeing you next month. Did you get my message by the way? Was hoping to see you when you were visiting X and X last weekend and was really sad to miss you."

Re: her ttc, I don't personally think it's a reason to avoid someone. But I have read a lot of threads on here where people struggling to conceive find it hard even to see friends with kids. So it's hard to know her feelings really.

Perhaps she simply wanted to see that couple by themselves for some reason (they'd had a hard time you don't know about and she wanted to cheer them up with those activities they did).

Or possibly she never even got your message - my phone often eats voicemails.

I may be a lot softer than other people here but a 15 year friendship is a long one, so it seems worth exploring first if there is something wrong you don't know about. Good luck.

BareBums · 11/04/2012 21:48

A 15 yr relationship is long but is it always you making the effort? Aside from the fact that people change over the years (I've already lost touch with 'old' friends because we've grown apart/live different lives)
I don't think you should make any more attempts to this 'friendship'. I think you should just get in with your own life and see if she pops up, if she does I'd keep it brief, ie don't start making plans to meet etc, see if she does.
It's ultimately your decision but sounds like you deserve better.

Original poster
clams · 11/04/2012 22:04

skateboarder I just saw your kind message, have thought about deleting fb to spare my feelings but I do like a nosy at my old schoolfriends every week month; sad I know. Thanks marathonrunner too :o

Rubyroo, I don't think you're soft, 15 years of close friendship/living together/being bridesmaids/etc is a lot to give up on. But I think she does exclude me sometimes for whatever reason. The 2 people she saw aren't a couple, just 2 mates who live near to each other. I really don't feel like going next month and I think BareBums might be right that she might be trying to move on and so I need to leave the next move up to her.

Thanks all, appreciate that IMNBU as I hate this. I don't have loads of friends and last year my NCT group turned out to have a couple of Queen Bee psychos in it (drip, drip) so I left that and my confidence is a bit dented on the friendship front.

OP posts:
smoggii · 11/04/2012 22:11

I see this slightly differently -

She has plans with you soon but this weekend she had plans with others, you tried to butt in on those plans and sounds to me like she didn't want to have a stressy conversation with you about why she wanted to spend time with the people she made plans with.

I think you have to get over it a bit. I'd probably be a bit gutted but would call/text/email, saying something like looks like you really had fun with x can't wait until we can have a proper catch up when I come to see you.

I also have a friend who has been TTC for 9 years now and i know she finds it hard to talk about my DD and she hasn't met her yet, she also lives away so there hasn't been many opportunities and i haven't pushed it. I have chosen to accept this situation and accept it has changed the dynamic of our friendship but it's preferable to letting the friendship fade IMO.

Cherriesarelovely · 11/04/2012 22:21

Things like this are really upsetting, I agree and difficult to deal with too because you don't want to make a big deal about it and fall out but at the same time it is hurtful. I would undoubtably feel the same as you do. Smoggii could be right though, she may have been deliberately ensuring that she had some quality time with those friends knowing that she was going to be seeing you soon however, not even replying to your text and then putting that stuff on fbook was very insensitive. Why do people do that?

Hissboo · 11/04/2012 22:21

I lost my best friend of 20 years after I had ds. She had been trying to conceive for five years that I know of (and maybe earlier too). Ds was an accident and a surprise as I had been told I was unlikely to be able to have children (and wasn't bothered about having them). Our friendship stuttered on for a year after ds was born and she and her dh were godparents (I gave them the option not to be).

Something happened and I ceased to contact her. She didn't contact me and I realised that for years (long before the arrival of ds) it had always been me making the contact. Ds and a subsequent life changing event in my life made me realise that the friendship wasn't worth maintaining when the only reason for doing so was the length of time that we had known each other rather than the actual support that friendship gave (zero to me).

ivanapoo · 11/04/2012 22:30

Sorry but I think you may be being a tiny bit U. I'm with smoggii.

When I travel to a city to see friends or relatives around 150 miles away - a city where many other close friends live - I find it stressful to try to see lots of different people. I'd rather focus on seeing two or three close friends and spend some lovely relaxing quality time with them rather than rush from place to place trying to fit it all in. I'll come up another time to see others.

I'm also a bit rubbish at answering/returning calls, especially if I'm with other people. I'd rather call them back once I'm back home. Ditto many friends with me.

When I post on FB about what a good time I'm having with friends it's because I want to celebrate that and make them feel good about it too, not rub it in others' faces that I am having fun without them. Should I hide my enjoyment?

Sorry but it's not all about you, although you do sound lovely and caring as a friend - just a bit over sensitive.

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