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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by my friend not calling

55 replies

clams · 11/04/2012 20:14

I think this might sounds a bit playground but my feelings are hurt and I need an outside perspective.

My really good friend of 15 years came 200 miles to see another couple of friends who live 5 miles away from me for the Easter weekend. The friends she was visiting aren't people I'm close to but they are people I see socially and who I've been on holiday with. Anyway, despite me leaving a message on my friend's vm last week asking what her plans were, she didn't contact me and all weekend they were on facebook saying what an a-mazing time they were having shopping/drinking/socialising with various people. (I know - but I couldn't stop myself from reading it.)

I speak to her weekly and see her maybe 3 or 4 times a year and had arranged to go to her house next month (along with the people she was near me visiting!). I feel quite pissed off that she didn't call, even if it was to say she didn't have time to see me, and that they had to go on and on on bloody facebook about the fun they were having that I could've easily been invited along to.

Just so as not to drip, she's been ttc for a long time and obviously avoids my DD (the other 2 don't have children). As I try to be v sensitive to this and arrange things away from my DD and hardly talk about her I suggested in my vm I'd come over to see them for a drink (ie childless activity). Now that I'm annoyed I'm building this all up in my head and thinking of times she's snubbed my DD and getting ratty - AIBU?

OP posts:

BBQJuly · 11/04/2012 23:31

YABU. If someone is TTC with no luck then there could be a lot of pain and she just needs to protect herself at the moment. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

highlandcoo · 11/04/2012 23:55

I'm with ivanapoo (and in the minority judging by most of the answers above)

Some years ago we moved hundreds of miles away from our original home, and when we went back to visit wanted to see a few people at a time, not rush round everyone we knew. We tried that once and went home worn out after a week of meals at a different house each evening .. it was too much really.

You are going to see her soon; you don't need to see her now. Not to be harsh, but your friend is allowed to spend time with other people without always having to include you. It doesn't make her a bad friend, it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you and really what I'm saying is that you shouldn't be feeling hurt.

everlong · 12/04/2012 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iloveACK · 12/04/2012 08:24

I'm with Risotto. Sorry you feel so rotten.

AnxiousPanxious · 12/04/2012 08:30

I stayed with friends recently, back in a town where I have lots of good friends. They don't all know each other socially. I'd told my two 'best' friends there that I'd be in town and we should meet up but when I got there, it was obvious that the people we were staying with - better friends of dh than of me - had planned everything for us for the whole weekend and as we were guests, I couldn't just bunk off and say I was going to see my mates, ta-raa.

It got a bit tricky but of course I rang my friends and explained that I'd misjudged because doing NOTHING would have been confusing and therefore hurtful.

Could that be what has happened, without the last bit?

Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 08:33

I'm sorry you feel bad too, clams.

Is very likely to be the ttc thing.

But I do always think on these threads, sometimes we have to accept people don't really like or value us (anymore?). It happens. Maybe she just doesn't want to spend time with you these days for whatever reason.

I have dropped friends over the years, ones who let me down or who I had nothing in common with anymore. And one friend dropped me. It hurt at the time but I realised later she just decided she'd rather spend her time with other people. I was young then and a bit loose canon-y. Maybe she was sick of my dramas!!

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2012 08:35

Smoggii she is seeing those friends too, next month

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2012 08:36

"arranged to go to her house next month (along with the people she was near me visiting)"

AnxiousPanxious · 12/04/2012 08:56

You're all concentrating on the ttc thing, but it might be as simple as all those childless people might not have wanted a parent there: we do tend to go on about our kids a bit. I have to bite my tongue when I'm out with childless people, and I find it really hard, especially when they ask about my children out of politeness. It needn't be to do with not conceiving.

everlong · 12/04/2012 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:03

I Think it's the ttc thing - I had friends who ended up not socialising with anyone with children after eptopic pregnancy following IVF.

It may be she finds it easier to see you at her home.

Re her Facebook - I am going through a terrible time - my FB looks like I'm having the time of my life - because it's the only place I feel "normal". It's my mask.

Be very wary of thinking the "public" face we show the world is the way was really feel.

neolara · 12/04/2012 09:11

Maybe she wanted to spend all the time with her other friends because she knows she is seeing you in a months time. You sound like you see each other quite a lot given that you live 200 miles away.

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2012 09:14

She is seeing the other friends too in a months time

YouOldSlag · 12/04/2012 09:29

she may have been deliberately ensuring that she had some quality time with those friends knowing that she was going to be seeing you soon

But the OP is seeing the friend next month WITH the other friends. It's the OP who is being left out. Plus they all know each other so it wouldn't be awkward if the OP had been invited.

As for the possible TTC reason- well to ignore or avoid someone's child is pretty insensitive of the friend.

OP- cut your losses. Let your friend wonder why your friendship went awry. I don't agree that the longevity of a friendship males it worth saving. You're getting a raw deal here.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:38

Do some of you know anyone who has been ttc for a long time?? It does leave people "unhinged" and suicidal.

No everyone obviously, but I have had friends who have really struggled. I often wonder how much it costs the Nhs to treat the mental health issues surrounding infertility as opposed to providing decent futility treatment.

(no offence to those ttc who aren't struggling).

YouOldSlag · 12/04/2012 09:41

I have ttc and had 2 mcs and a termination on medical grounds. I could still be pleased for my friends who had new babies. It half killed me to go and visit my friend's newborn when our pregnancies began around the same time and mine ended halfway through. Both were baby girls.

But I did it because her joy is as valid as my grief.

(I have 2 DCs now but it took a looong time)

everlong · 12/04/2012 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:45

I just asked because as I said below - I have friends who cut everyone with children out of their lives socially and I think calling people unhinged is unkind.

Different people - different coping mechanisms.

Sorry about your miscarriages and glad you have 2 DCs.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:47

ITs not about blame btw - my friends didn't blame anyone - except themselves, they just couldn't cope at all.

I wonder about them from time to time, they were so sad.

BellaCB · 12/04/2012 09:48

But everlong, people do respond differently. MY oldest BF discovered while I was pg with DC that she and her DH were going to find it near impossible to conceive. To make matters worse I had fallen pg pretty much by accident, so it looked as though me and my DP were the complete opposite to her. She found it very difficult to deal with my pg and we didn't see much of each other for a while. Its not about blame, it can simply be that while you are trying to get your head around a certain issue it feels very painful to be with someone who has children. I certainly think clam should give it another chance in case this is the reason.

everlong · 12/04/2012 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

clams · 12/04/2012 10:10

everlong I'm sorry about your son and hope your friends appreciate how fab you are.

Thanks everyone for the advice and theories. Thanks stealth and YOS for pointing out that she's seeing the other 2 next month too and I've known them for ages. Also, how much QT do you need that I couldn't have come over for one afternoon/eve out of the 4 she was here?! Grr.

It may be the ttc thing, it may be that she'd rather grow apart for whatever reason. I've wracked my brains and come up with a lot of theories (including the fact that I'm a crap dancer and therefore less fun in nightclubs ) and the only thing I know is that I'm clutching at straws. She did say once that I'm the least-changed person she knows who has had a child* which is such a strange thing to say that I guess the ttc is most-likely it. I always suggest or agree to things away from my place and I don't talk about my DD unless she/another friend asks a direct qu. That is as much as I could to tbh.

*Good job she didn't see me this morning channelling the mum off Malcolm in the Middle after my DD decided to grind her poo into the carpet.

OP posts:

BBQJuly · 12/04/2012 10:12

If someone's enjoying themselves why shouldn't they post about it on Facebook? You don't need to be offended or take it as a personal snub, it's not about you. I agree with the poster who said it's hard to catch up with everyone every time, and she's probably looking forward to meeting up with you on a different occasion.

It does come across that you're jealous of her other friendships but you don't think she should have any strong feelings about the fact you have what she doesn't - a family.

I'd ask her too, what is it that she would find would be most helpful from you with regard to the TTC? Sometimes even the most well-meaning friends do get it wrong, and say things like "not to worry, you can see my DCs as often as you like!" or "Why don't you adopt?" as if this is a quick fix. Not saying you've said those things - but how do you support her and are you sure you're not coming across as strongly expecting her to behave or feel a certain way? Best thing is to ask her, I think. And don't bite her head off if she tells you.

So, if you're good friends then why not just be open and tell her how you feel? A good discussion could clear the air.

everlong · 12/04/2012 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 12/04/2012 11:57

I agree with the poster who said it's hard to catch up with everyone every time, and she's probably looking forward to meeting up with you on a different occasion.

But the OP's friend is meeting the SAME other friends next month along with the OP, so it's not about getting round everyone.

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