Am I being the unreasonable friend, or is she?

[Hobs]

I don't know if I am being unreasonable or if she is, so I'd like your opinions

My friend has been off work for a few months now. She had an accident at work which has triggered some underlying conditions. She suffers with ME and is prone to the occasional flare-up, which she is currently experiencing. It does cause her to be exhausted a lot of the time, and often causes her to have aching muscles. I do know that she is suffering, but she is also able to do quite a lot - she still takes the dog for a short walk every day and she is able to drive short distances to the local shops, hairdressers and cafes when she wants / needs to. She gave me a huge pile of information about her condition a when it first started and demanded that I read it all, because there was no point in me seeing her so often and not understanding how she is affected.

I have spent a lot of time with this friend whilst she's been off work. We've met up at least once every week. It always seems to be on her terms. She will decide where we are meeting and when is convenient for her and will tell me, rather than ask, so texts will say things like "Tuesday is best for me. I'll see you at 11." I am expected to just agree. We used to meet out a lot, but she is no longer getting occupational sick leave, so does not want to spend money on eating/ having a cuppa out. Fair enough. I have no problem with accommodating that. However, she now insists that I go to visit her at her house, when she is available. Her husband runs his own business from home and is able to drive her out if needed. Her house is a 40 min walk from my house, I don't drive and it isn't on a bus route.

I had my DS 8.5 months ago. I had a difficult delivery. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD and postnatal depression. I also still suffer from pains in my various scarred places, and I am prone to days when I'd rather stick my head in the oven than leave the house. However, I have always made the effort to go to visit her because I know she needs the company, and I have only missed on a few occasions.

Recently, I've gotten more and more annoyed about it - the fact that everything is on her terms. If she cancels, then it's fine, but when I cancel, it's a different matter. I cancelled once a couple of weeks ago as DS hadn't slept all night, and neither had I, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. I was having an awful day (one of my worst since starting on antidepressants) and I really wasn't fit for company. I was in full-on panic attack mode about leaving the house. I told her this and her response (in full) was "I'm disappointed about not seeing you, but I suppose you know best". On one occasion 2 or 3 weeks ago, I felt unable to take DS to her house as I didn't think I had the walk in me and he was ill, whiny and clingy. I asked if she could get her DH to bring her round, thinking DS would be better at home, and she replied "No. I don't want to go out today". She never asks how I am doing, or about DS, or anything really unless it suits her.

I was quite upset by this particular comment about her not wanting to go out, and after talking to HusbandHobs, decided to send her some information on PND and PTSD with and explanation that I hoped this information would be useful to her and help her understand where I was coming from etc. I thought it might highlight for her how I am feeling most of the time so that perhaps she would be more understanding when I don't feel up to visiting her.

So today, I have had a response saying she didn't think there was any point reading it as she "had enough on her plate with her own issues, thanks" and as it's all in my head anyway, the best way for her to help would be to carry on as normal so I would get over it quicker. I was a bit . I like to think I've been very accommodating of her and her issues over the last few months. I make more of an effort to pull myself out of my black hole of doom to go to see her than I do for most other people, but it seems that she doesn't appreciate it, and is unwilling to ever return the favour for me.

I know that I am prone to being negative about things at the minute which is why I am here asking AIBU here or is she? I'd ask HusbandHobs, but he is too scared to disagree with me in case I go batshit-crazy on him

I have read the OP but skimmed the rest of the thread.

She isn't a friend to you at all. It is for this reason that (IMO) you need to end all further communication and just cut her off. I know that sounds extremely nasty but she is awful to you and for your own health, you should put a stop to it. She is a newish friend and for this reason, I don't think there is anywhere this friendship can go. She is just a drain on you and you will never get anything back from her.

You acknowledge and are sympathetic towards her illness. Following your kindness, she says your own PND and PTSD are nothing. I don't know why you would keep her in your life. Probably out of a sense of duty/because you are a kind person. But try and be kind to yourself this time and remove her from your life.

IME, with this kind of person, you can't just gradually phase her out/see her less. She will badger you and continue to abuse you and that's why you have to make a clean break.

Bitter experience here!

You don't need to have a confrontation or give an explanation - she is an abuser! It's your life and you are important. You can simply ignore her calls/emails - seems she's unlikely to come and see you/bump into you and if you do have to say anything to her, just say you will no longer be seeing her. Don't open up an argument with her and don't enter into a dialogue, just use the one single sentence.

I am aware that what I have written sounds appallingly rude and horrible. It may be, but it is necessary when you are in the grip of a person like her. She might appear harmless but she isn't.

I've been in the grip of a similar person and their manipulation skills and playing the victim skills were wonderful. It took me 18 months to realise!

I have Severe ME.
I have been off sick from work for a year.
I also find it difficult to leave the house sometimes, and I end up cancelling my closest friend sometimes.
I dont drive.

However, that does not stop me getting a taxi to my closest friend.
I still show her I care and show compassion when she is ill.
Friendship is a 2 way relationship.
She has to nurture it . And nurture you.
YANBU. She is taking you for granted.

I agree with pinktrees, just cut her off. And I'm so sorry you are feeling this way OP, I've had hideous PND in the past, like many others. All I can say is, it's not in your head, it's very real, and it WILL pass.

One day you will wake up, and that lightbulb will have gone back on in your head. Until that day, you need to look after yourself, not waste your energy tiptoeing round some self absorbed idiot.

It sounds like you need to focus on yourself right now tbh. You have given your friend a lot of support and you would hope that now it would be time for her to do the same but that clearly isn't going to happen. People often take roles in relationships and it can be hard to break out of them, it sounds like this woman sees you as the one who supports her and is unwilling to change the relationship by taking on the role of supporter. Personally I would just stop seeing her - I had a "friend audit" recently and just stopped seeing a few people who were adding nothing to my life. It's very cathartic!

let it slide a for a while

I'm in a very similar situation to you OP - I suffer from depression (just run-of-the-mill depression, not PND) and my best friend has ME. This means that it is difficult for both of us to get out, for her physically and for me mentally.

However, I find our friendship considerably easier than with other friends, because she understands that when I can't go out, even at really short notice, it's not my fault, and vice versa. Other friends, who aren't ill, don't always understand this. She's the kindest, most understanding, bubbliest person in the world, and I'm so so so lucky to have a friend like her.

It's such a shame that your "friend" is so self-absorbed, because in my personal experience having a friend going through similar difficulties is such a lifesaver - always someone there to talk to who understands etc etc. And don't be tempted to make allowances for her attitude due to her ME - the ME excuses the infrequency of meetups etc, NOT the blatant disregard for your feelings!

Sorry for the ramble, but to summarise - this kind of person is not worth your effort. You may feel guilty about reducing contact, but it will help you recover from your depression so much quicker by looking after yourself and not allowing people to use you and dictate your life to you while offering nothing in return.

[hugs]

sunnydelight love the 'friend audit' thing!

sunnydelight Did any of the friends ask why you had stopped seeing them? A friend of mine who i used to see weekly suddenly stopped inviting me over. She came to me if i invited her, but after about the fourth time of inviting her to me (including a Sunday lunch for her whole family) I stopped and waited and nothing. About six months later i emailed her to ask if I had done anything to upset her and she said no but didn't really give me a straight answer. Oddly enough, not long before she stopped seeing me she had sent me a text after we met one time saying "I just wanted to say how much I enjoy seeing you and the children." That was nearly 3 years ago and i have moved on, although i was quite upset at the time. I still wonder about it sometimes though. She asked to pop in for a coffee recently and mentioned that our lives had moved in different directions at that time, but they hadn't really. I guess it will just have to remain a mystery! Only think i can think of is that my elder daughter had started to get on very well with her younger child, and so her son (who is my elder dd's age) was maybe getting a bit left out. But as i don't really know, i wonder if there was some personality defect of mine that she had grown tired of! It kind of makes you paranoid! Oh well.

They weren't close friends CrumpettyTree more of a group of people I had fallen in with when I first arrived in Oz. It's hard starting off in a totally different place and it was really good initially to meet a group of expats who had been in the same boat. Over the years though I realized that had we met when I lived in England we would never have been friends so I just slipped out of their lives.

I think that children's friendships can affect adult friendships unfortunately. I have a friend who is practically obsessive about her kids having their closest friends within their own school year group which seems to be a very Australian thing. My DS and hers were really friendly, both slightly quirky boys the same age but mine has repeated a year so is in the year below. My DS has now been dropped in favour of a boy in the same year who I know has no real interest in her son (because I'm friendly with his mum too!) but loves the "playdates" on offer which usually involve sailing, jetskiing and time spent at their absolutely amazing water front home. I'm gutted for DS who just liked hanging out with his mate and didn't really register the other stuff, and am finding it hard to bite my tongue but of course I have to. It's really hard to now "just" be a girls morning coffee friend rather than spending time as families like we did before.

Thanks for your reply. You may be right about it being about the children's friendships. That is the most likely explanation i think. It's the not knowing that i find so annoying.

YANBU. Make excuses to avoid her if you can't face the confrontation. It is more important to concentrate on getting yourself better, for you and your family, rather than expending energy elsewhere.

If she says anything about not seeing you I'd send a note with a brief explanation that you don't think you can provide the support she wants from you as you are not well yourself but I am a coward.