Am I being the unreasonable friend, or is she?

[Hobs]

I don't know if I am being unreasonable or if she is, so I'd like your opinions

My friend has been off work for a few months now. She had an accident at work which has triggered some underlying conditions. She suffers with ME and is prone to the occasional flare-up, which she is currently experiencing. It does cause her to be exhausted a lot of the time, and often causes her to have aching muscles. I do know that she is suffering, but she is also able to do quite a lot - she still takes the dog for a short walk every day and she is able to drive short distances to the local shops, hairdressers and cafes when she wants / needs to. She gave me a huge pile of information about her condition a when it first started and demanded that I read it all, because there was no point in me seeing her so often and not understanding how she is affected.

I have spent a lot of time with this friend whilst she's been off work. We've met up at least once every week. It always seems to be on her terms. She will decide where we are meeting and when is convenient for her and will tell me, rather than ask, so texts will say things like "Tuesday is best for me. I'll see you at 11." I am expected to just agree. We used to meet out a lot, but she is no longer getting occupational sick leave, so does not want to spend money on eating/ having a cuppa out. Fair enough. I have no problem with accommodating that. However, she now insists that I go to visit her at her house, when she is available. Her husband runs his own business from home and is able to drive her out if needed. Her house is a 40 min walk from my house, I don't drive and it isn't on a bus route.

I had my DS 8.5 months ago. I had a difficult delivery. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD and postnatal depression. I also still suffer from pains in my various scarred places, and I am prone to days when I'd rather stick my head in the oven than leave the house. However, I have always made the effort to go to visit her because I know she needs the company, and I have only missed on a few occasions.

Recently, I've gotten more and more annoyed about it - the fact that everything is on her terms. If she cancels, then it's fine, but when I cancel, it's a different matter. I cancelled once a couple of weeks ago as DS hadn't slept all night, and neither had I, I was exhausted and in a lot of pain. I was having an awful day (one of my worst since starting on antidepressants) and I really wasn't fit for company. I was in full-on panic attack mode about leaving the house. I told her this and her response (in full) was "I'm disappointed about not seeing you, but I suppose you know best". On one occasion 2 or 3 weeks ago, I felt unable to take DS to her house as I didn't think I had the walk in me and he was ill, whiny and clingy. I asked if she could get her DH to bring her round, thinking DS would be better at home, and she replied "No. I don't want to go out today". She never asks how I am doing, or about DS, or anything really unless it suits her.

I was quite upset by this particular comment about her not wanting to go out, and after talking to HusbandHobs, decided to send her some information on PND and PTSD with and explanation that I hoped this information would be useful to her and help her understand where I was coming from etc. I thought it might highlight for her how I am feeling most of the time so that perhaps she would be more understanding when I don't feel up to visiting her.

So today, I have had a response saying she didn't think there was any point reading it as she "had enough on her plate with her own issues, thanks" and as it's all in my head anyway, the best way for her to help would be to carry on as normal so I would get over it quicker. I was a bit . I like to think I've been very accommodating of her and her issues over the last few months. I make more of an effort to pull myself out of my black hole of doom to go to see her than I do for most other people, but it seems that she doesn't appreciate it, and is unwilling to ever return the favour for me.

I know that I am prone to being negative about things at the minute which is why I am here asking AIBU here or is she? I'd ask HusbandHobs, but he is too scared to disagree with me in case I go batshit-crazy on him

She's been a good friend in the past, though we've only known each other a year or two and never really come across any big problems during our friendship. She was a temp at the place I work, and we always got on well, though I know she had a tendency to rub others up the wrong way.

Thumbwitch I know it must seem odd for me to be asking, but I really don't trust my own judgement on these things. Before I got diagnosed and started treatment, I was a ridiculously unreasonable person. I used to get irritated by the smallest things and was quite prone to getting wound up over nothing. Husband Hobs has since described it as being like someone possessed. He now agrees with everything I think I presume because he doesn't want me to morph into the crazy shouty, weeping mess I was before

I know people often don't see ME as a real thing - my Grandmother knows someone with it and she said noone thought it was a real thing back then.

CupofBrownJoy I don't really know what I want to do tbh. I just want to know I'm not being the unreasonable one so if/when I do mention it to her, I know it's the right thing to do if that makes sense.

Annpan88 You're totally right, I've always made the effort to go to her, so it probably is what's expected now.

I actually don't mind going to her's. I like walking and DS finds it comforting, so it's ok most of the time. It's the expectation and the fact that everything is on her terms that I'm upset about.

Outraged I've always called him Husband and he calls me Wife! We're odd, I know.

QOD I can relate to the 'mememe' reference, sadly.

Pancakeflipper That's an idea! No, her and her DH don't have children. She's not ready to have them yet until she's established her career, whatever that might turn out to be! She ignored me for most of my pregnancy, then came over all clingy after I had DS.

Ooer we don't always text, only to arrange meeting up really. I thought that, but she's pretty terse in real life too. It's offended people in the past, but I don't usually see that side of her! And, thank you :)

madmouse that just made me giggle :)

Idocrazythings I do like the walking! DS and I usually go for a walk every day (if the weather is nice). Sometimes just to the local park, but often a longer route. It does seem a bit mad written down though

Longdistance She leaves the house when it suits her - she's visited other friends, gone to the hairdressers, gone for the odd facial / massage/ manicure, goes out for meals, so I don't think she has a fear of leaving the house, though I suppose there's always the chance that this could have developed.

bringbacksideburns I think she's totally miss the point of that text!!! Too subtle for her.

manicbmc

lazymonkeyface I know - unusual for an AIBU!

So Hobbs what are you going to do??

What is the point of knowing you are not being unreasonable if you don't intend to do anything about it. And why are you asking for advice if you don't intend to take it?

Sometimes it is hard to realise when friendships have run their natural course. I would say this sounds like a scenario - just because someone was a good friend once it does not mean you should be entirely grateful to them forever, particularly if they never put anything back into the relationship.

If you need to sort yourself out then you can't be dealing with other people's problems. Stand back a little and let her come to you (if she wants you) if she doesn't you will know that she never saw you as a good friend to begin with.

captainmummy I think I am just going to take a step back and let things cool down for a while.

It doesn't sit quite right to end a friendship over this - especially when she's ill. It seems a bit harsh, however stupid it may sound.

onelittlefish I did not say I wasn't going to do anything about it. I said I wanted to know if IWBU if and when I did say anything - it's not the same thing. Sometimes knowing you are not being unreasonable is enough to make you feel better about a situation - for me it is - it stops me from ruminating over things unnecessarily and beating myself up about my thoughts/behaviour. And if you read my OP, you would see I did not ask for advice on what to do about it, I asked if people thought I was BU. I am grateful for the advice, but I didn't ask for it. I think your point about stepping back is a good one, which is why I am considering it. I don't want to be confrontational with her and end up in an all out row, or friendship fall-out, partly because I am not sure that's what I want, and mostly because I cannot deal with that myself right now.

No YANBU. You need to focus on your own health. I know you say you don't mind the walk etc but she doesn't appreciate it and has no interest in you and your life. I'm sorry she is being like this but I would definitely take a step back if I were you.

You'd think she would be MORE understanding with having ME which comes with good days and bad.

Hobs - I think you are pretty sensible. You know your own 'limitations' whilst you are not 100% yourself. You don't really need an emotional showdown, you'll probably feel like shit and she'll feel self righteous.

She's a taker. You are a giver. But you are a knackered giver who needs to put her own self and family first. Step back. You can re-evaluate in a few months.

I would just ignore her from now on. It's not as though she's going to call round, is it?

I would set HusbandHob onto her if she causes any trouble.

I think you'll be a lot happier with her out of your life.

She is utterly self-absorbed and she is NOT your friend.

OP, back off and be nice to yourself. See people who care about you. This woman does not.

She is only going to get worse, I am referring to her attitude. She clicks her fingers and doesn't like it when you disagree. If you stopped doing as you were told she would soon drop you.

She is not a friend.

RatherBeACyborg That's what I thought, especially after I read some stuff that says ME sufferers often have many of the symptoms of depression. There seem to be many overlaps.

Pancakeflipper Thanks, that's a much better way of wording it. It's the emotional showdown I don't need right now. I think I will make myself busy for a week or two and take it from there.

ImperialBlether I'd love to have a Husband I could set on people, but he is more likely to hide behind me, unfortunately!

Definitely get rid. Frankly she sounds like a drain on your time and emotions. Don't even text back. Just ignore her.

I hate to agree with the 'mememe' comment because I really do get that it's a real and debilitating illness, but I knew another sufferer who's pretty similar. 2.5hr trips on the train to see her with DC in tow only to be told 15mins into the visit that we needed to leave because she was tired. Once I'd understand, but every time?! Just don't invite us!!

Ultimately as others have said, it sounds like you get precisely fuck all from this relationship so I'd leave her to wallow in her own self-centredness.

End a friendship. What friendship?? She won't support or listen to you, she's a vampire sucking any strength you have out of you for her own means.

People only treat you the way you allow them to. If you are annoyed but don't don't do anything about it then what good is going to do you? You'll be more resentful and stressed and you have enough to deal with.

Heavens, you poor thing. She's been horrid to you when you've been a very kind and understanding friend.

Telling you it's all in your head is possibly the most hurtful and ignorant comment possible.

Look, you have more than enough to cope with - a baby, pnd and ptsd. That's very hard.

You need to take care of yourself and that means seeing people who are kind and caring, and keeping your distance from those who don't or won't understand.

This woman has health problems and she also has a major personality flaw; don't expose yourself to it any longer.

But I wouldn't want a confrontation either, you're too vulnerable. Focus on doing things that a. need to be done (caring for your ds) and b. you enjoy (seeing friends and family who are willing to listen and understand.)

Hopefully you have accessed www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
I can advise telling only those who understand as ptsd is so widely misunderstood and ignorant reactions are very painful.

She sounds awful and so self absorbed. YANBU (and I know you've not asked for opinions on what to do but I couldn't remain friends with her).

You know, just because she's ill doesn't mean she'd be a nicer person if she wasn't.

She is being very selfish and quite rude to you. I would certainly stop making an effort with her. Are you seeing anyone about the pains in your scarred places, as you shouldn't still be in pain 8.5 months after the birth?

A good friend of a good friend has ME. She would never behave like that, as she is a lovely person. Your "friend" is not.

Limelight That is awful! That's a long way to go for such a short visit

CrazyChicken You might be right about there not being a friendship there. What I want to avoid is the confrontation. I can't take it, frankly. Maybe if I back off for a few weeks months years she will get the hint that I'm not at her beck and call all the time.

totallyskint thank you. I have accessed that website. It has a lot of useful information on it. I've told very few people in RL, just the world on here

ChasedByBees The comment about not asking for opinions was in response to someone up thread who said there was no point in me asking for opinions if I wasn't going to do anything with them. I am grateful for everyone's opinions on the matter though. It's interesting to know what people think about it.

Anniegetyourgun You're totally right. I have known her nicer than this though, but I guess you can tell a lot about a person by the way they act in difficult / unhappy situations.

QuangleWangleQuee Love the name. I'm not seeing anyone about the pains at the moment as the last consultant I saw about it just said "it shouldn't be happening now" and that it could be related to the stress / ptsd symptoms.

Dump her - she is a selfish bitch

You're both out of spoons. She uses hers to do what she wants then expects you to use your precious spoons to supplement hers. Nope. Stop now. Conserve your own spoons!

Spoon Theory

Wow! That is so rude of her to not even read the info! Self obsessed or what!

You said you would get worked up about anything and everything (or something like that). Was that caused by your pnd?

Tw1gl3t I want my spoons back

PooPoo I used to get wound up by stupid things - HusbandHobs snoring, running out of hot water, and one major incident over a pan of mashed potato which ended in HusbandHobs taking me to the docs. I hope it was the pnd, 'cause I'm not that irrational normally!

I'm sorry you've been ill Hobs. Yanbu to stand back from this. It sounds like you've done everything, done your best.

yep agree she is all take and no give and thinking only of herself. Can you give her a much wider birth. If she texts to arrange a meet up, delay it by a few weeks and say it's her turn to come to yours. Importantly don't chase her to meet up and maybe even let the friendship disolve slowly over a matter of months.

About the PND - it will get better. I found CBT really helped me. I self referred and over a matter of a couple of months I felt so much stronger and my chart scores moved into the normal range. One of the biggest things for me was learning to say no to others and thinking about my own needs. I made a hit list of things I wanted to sort out and i've made so much progress working my way through it. My hit list involved starting excercising, getting more sleep and about 10 other things. The most important thing was learning to say no though and once I started saying it, I couldn't stop! It has really transformed the demands on my time and means I don't end up doing things I used to feel cornered into doing.

You deserve better. You deserve to be with friends who care and respect and support you.