To think they should stop shopping?

[Listzilla]

I was telling my mother yesterday that we got DD a sand table instead of chocolate for Easter. Her answer was 'Oh, okay, I'll get her one for here too'. And when I asked her not to, she got angry with me, because I was being cranky and unreasonable and won't let her buy anything for her granddaughter.

They mind DD two days a week, and there have been discussions before about the amount of stuff they buy for those two days.

DD has more, and better, toys there than she does at home. When we got her her first Duplo set, they bought her two bigger ones. When we got her one of the Fisher Price Little People houses and some people, they got a farm and whole hordes of little people. When we got her a little toddler trike, they got her a bigger, better one. She got more toys from her grandparents than from Santa last year.

She also has a whole wardrobe of clothes up there, even though she turns up at their house fully dressed every morning. One of our neighbours is due a baby girl this week and my mother has sent down a big bag of clothes for her - stuff she bought for DD that's never been worn. She then told me that she was going up to Belfast this week to do some shopping for DD because she's outgrown all the clothes they had for her - you know, the ones she never wore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they're mad about her and I know how lucky we are. But I do think that she's in danger of being terribly spoiled if this goes on for much longer, and that there are probably more constructive uses for their money! Plus it feels like nothing we get her has any novelty value for long because it's immediately replicated in her grandparents' house.

Am I being silly?

How about taking DS to your parents for a couple of hours at the weekend and leaving DD to play with Daddy for a bit - you can encourage your mum and dad to get used to handling the baby and giving him a feed. Then once a week perhaps you go with DD, you take DD to play in the garden or something and they "have a go" at looking after DS with you around in the background so they build their confidence to take him on their own for an afternoon so you can do regular fun things with DD - could something like that be a plan to work towards?

I would honestly try to leave the toys/clothes thing, it isn't worth worrying about. If either of your kids start taking it for granted in future then you can all address that together.

Give yourself a break, you've all been through a tough experience with your DS and you just need to let yourself settle into being his family and enjoying him. there is loads of support on here for birth trauma, poorly kids etc so do vent how you're feeling if you have nowhere to do it in rl. Your little girl won't stop loving you because nana buys her better dolls, honest! My mum was a bit tight with toys for me (spoils my DD rotten though, MIL is the same), my nana v indulgent :) and my memories of my lovely gps have nothing to do with what they bought me, even though that was a fair bit!

I wish your mum and dad would parent you in the same way they do your daughter. They do everything to understand her and help her and give her a good life. You have a child you are desperately worried about and you can't go to them for sympathy.

I understand that. Of course you are lucky they care so much for your daughter, but they should be caring for you, too.

Obviously it's frustrating and upsetting if you buy something you think your daughter will love and they get the same but better just days later. I don't understand how people can't see that. If you put a lot of thought into a present and visualise how much the child will love it, then of course it's irritating as hell if someone else not only copies your idea but gets a better version.

You need to speak to your mum and dad about that. Say, "I really appreciate what you're doing but when I buy her a present I know she'll love it really upsets me when you buy a bigger and better version. What I'd really love is if you could put that money towards some sort of fund for when she's 18 - wouldn't it be lovely to be able to buy her a little car for her 18th birthday?" Mind you, the amount they're spending, they'll be able to buy her a house!

I'm sorry they can't be there for you and have bypassed you and focus on your daughter. On the one hand it's lovely they care for her so much but on the other, what about you? Is there anyone else who you can talk to about your worries?

Awwwww op, you have been through so much recently. I'm sorry you don't have the kind of relationship with your mum where you can talk about your experience, worries and concerns. Sounds like your mum shows her love through material possessions and gifts. Can you try to see the things she buys as an expression of her love for both her gd and for you, I'm sure they've been so worried about you and your ds but perhaps find it hard to show. They will bond with your ds in time and be more comfortable looking after him too, but perhaps he seems too fragile for them atm and they worry about hurting him
Take care of yourself too right now - you must need some tlc

I do kind of see your point, something similar happens here, except for me, its that my mum will buy ds1 whatever he asks for but the other three barely get a look in.
She will buy ds1 expensive clothing like superdry, hollister etc and then bung in a token t-shirt from gap sale rale for the other three.

I don;t think dd will love her grandparents more than you. I think she will realise that shes a lucky girl and to have fmaily that care and love her and lucky enough that they are fortunate enough to buy her nice things.

OP, are you getting any RL support for you and the stress you're under with your little boy? An understanding HV if not friends?

"My mother tells me every time I speak to her that her days with DD are what she lives for."

She sounds like a right pain in the arse.

It is also seriously weird that she directly competes with you by buying your daughter the same stuff you get.

Most grandparents enjoy picking stuff themselves, not just trumping their own child's choice.

It's also absolute bollocks that children always prefer their mother. My DN developed an unhealthy mommy-complex with my mother when his little sister was born and Mum was looking after him a lot.

It was really tough for my sister, but luckily my mother isn't the type to court a small child's affection or compete with his mother.

And she also cares about her own offspring and not just the enjoyment she can get from their kids.

I think your parents sound kind of toxic. I'm not sure I would want people that obsessed with my child providing childcare. It doesn't sound healthy.

My grandparents spoilt me ROTTEN! My mum and dad weren't poor, but not rich, so we always got a lot of presents anyway. But my grandparents use to literally fill the room up at christmas (not cheap either i got a £3000 rocking horse from harrods one year in addition to a million other things). I know it usedd to hurt my mums feelings but I think you're being selfish, if she can buy your dd the world let her! As long as day to day yoou keep her in check its fine to be spoilt by the grandparents! :)

In your mum's position I'd be telling you to bring over all the washing for the week when you visit so that you don't have to worry about that.

Being prepared to put yourself out for people is a greater sign of love than doing something you love doing anyway. If that makes sense.

Mine have never bought the children anything at all, they send £30 for a birthday present in a card to a 7 year old :-( and that's her lot despite going on several holidays a year. It's their money to spend as they choose but I do feel a little sad when you hear how some grandparents enjoying spoiling their grandchildren, it wouldn't cross the minds of ours.

"As long as day to day yoou keep her in check its fine to be spoilt by the grandparents!"

That might make sense if these grandparents weren't providing regular childcare.

They are the day to day, so it does matter if they spoil her.

Imperial - yes, if my adult daughter was having such a tough time with a new baby I hope my first instinct would be to support her, not compete with her for my grandchild's affection.

Firstly, I think you realise this is just the way it is & hopefully deep down that no matter what stuff they buy for her, it is only stuff

However, I do understand the feeling that they are trying to outdo you. I have a dd(2.3) as well & the first Christmas when she was almost one was utterly ridiculous, especially as her birthday is 2 weeks later. I actually started a thread on here about it. That've not really calmed down, but I go with the flow a bit more.

Secondly, I can't help but wonder if this is a 'cultural' thing? I'm from NI & all my family still live there. There seems to be a massive focus on material goods for children in a way that you see a lot less often in England. That is a sweeping generalisation of course, but when I visit I never fail to be amazed by how ridiculously busy the shops are.

My parents arrive here on Thursday & I'm grateful for airline baggage limits!

You are lucky even if you don't realise it, if it were just toys/clothes it'd be a problem but their devotion & love is what matters & will in no way harm her.

My parents are the same & dd adores them (doesn't mean she loves me less). My mil buys stuff but hardly interacts. She (mil/nanny) lives less than 2 miles away & dd isn't bothered about her. She is beside herself with excitement at the prospect of planting sunflower seeds with granny though!

Do you think your parents will treat your DS the same? I can't decide whether it is a good thing or a bad thing if they don't. On one hand you don't want this one-upmanship to continue but on the other hand it does not body any good if the children aren't treated equally - your DD would stand more of a chance of getting spoilt and your DS could feel left out.

Do you think your parents will treat your DS the same?
Yes. They're delighted beyond belief that he's a boy; they had two daughters and mum has told me repeatedly that it was a terrible disappointment to her that I wasn't a boy because my father would have loved a son and she herself never got to feel the special bond between a mother and son. I'm 'doing it right', apparently, to have one of each. So yes, they're going to spoil him rotten with boy toys, you can see them thinking that way already.

Listzilla, sorry your mum told you you were a disappointment to her :(

Reading the thread, that's the first thing you've said about her that makes her sound unreasonable. Everything else - buying toys etc - sounds ok to me. I can understand your reaction, but I think it's none of your business what they buy if they are caring for your DD. It sounds like you are taking your worries and frustrations out on your parents.

Sorry to hear about your DS, but do try and look on the positive - how wonderful it is that your parents are still taking your DD and she's getting that continuity and stability, while you're getting extra time alone with your son. I imagine if I went on maternity leave my mum would expect me to have DC1 at home all the time as well as DC2 (and get out of doing her one day a week.)

"mum has told me repeatedly that it was a terrible disappointment to her that I wasn't a boy because my father would have loved a son and she herself never got to feel the special bond between a mother and son."

Wow, she really sounds like a peach

Seriously, are you going to let these toxic assholes help to raise your children?

Listzilla, for a little while you need to go with the flow with your mum because in her way she is helping you and you need that help at present so try to bite your tongue. I do think that sometimes becoming a mother makes us realise the shortcomings in our own relationships with our own mothers. At present I think you are grieving for that and and grieving for the fact that this time with your ds is not as you would have imagined it being. Pragmatically it could be a whole lot worse though without your parents at the moment. It rather sounds as though your mother doesn't quite know how to love and has deprived you of that.

Draw a line in the sand and move on from that - there time enough to unravel those sorts of emotions. At present she is helping you and your dd although not in every way you want and need but she is there and she is helping to a lesser or greater extent.

Does she have any idea how you feel, deep down? Can you confide in your sister and get some help and support with some of your feelings from your GP/HV, etc..

Good luck OP. And as another poster said, yes, if it were me I would be doing your laundry and coming over to put a mop over your floors as well.

It sounds like there's a lot more issues than a sandpit here, and I can understand it. I had a similar situation with my Grandmother, then I'm seeing similar things with my MIL and my DD.

First, your DD will always love you more, you're her Mum, plus she's only 2 so as she gets older she'll forget the stress you're under now and that you're having to spend extra time with your DS.

As others have said, try to guide their spoiling. With MIL I hint, "oh I need to get DD some tops" next visit, she has a bag of tops. (My Mum does the same but cheaper versions and she asks first.)
At Christmas and birthdays we take special care not to mention what we're buying DD as they buy anything we do mention (and they're better more expensive versions.) Thankfully they wouldn't buy duplicates. I'm also of the opinion that fewer toys is better.

In your situation I'd suggest similar alternatives "why don't you buy her a water table instead." It's something similar, but different. I like the messy toys to stay at their house too :o In fact I have a water table here you could have that MIL bought her... it's hidden behind the shed as I got fed up with her coming in crying that she was cold and wet!

I keep reminding myself that I'm teaching my DD good values. We don't have the money the grandparents do. My DD is 4, she knows we can't afford everything, I'm teaching her now about saving up, and working for money (she got a money box for easter and if she helps round the house she gets some coins.) It depresses me that she expects Grandma to have bought her sweets, and that Grandma can't see that this is a bad thing, but hopefully as she gets older she'll understand.

Right now take a deep breath and try not to worry about it. Concentrate on your DS. My DD has gone off the her Grandma's for 3 days, she'll go swimming, go to a show, ride on her bike (she doesn't have one here) go to a play place. All things that would be special treats for us. But I also know that DD was just as excited this morning about coming to a bumps and babies group with me at Ikea where she could play and have a bacon butty. She's also really looking forward to going to some charity shops with me to get some books when she comes home.

I think they sound very generous and obviously adore their DGD, sadly my dc only had 1GP living and he died when dd1 was only age 5, so i would say treasure your dc grandparents

havent read the whole thread but if they wont stop shopping, you could! and save yourselves a fortune,if they are determined to buy all the stuff your dcs need and dont need--

You'relooking at this purely from your point of view.
If you look at from your DD's she is so lucky!
If you love her surely you want her to have people who adore her?
I never understand the fear parents have about their kids loving other people more than them. What about celebrating the amount of people who love your DD?

Shit, the thread has moved on.
Darn you slow typing fingers!

OP, my dd spends a lot of time with her grandparents (my mum and dad). They are fantastic with her - kind, generous, inventive, patient. They do stuff like gardening and cooking with her, they take her out and they play with her for hours. My mum in particular is amazing - I get bored of kiddie games very quickly, and I fear it shows, but grandma is an ever-willing playmate.

My dd adores my mum, and occasionally I wonder if she does love her more than she loves me! Because I am not as patient with dd as my mum is, and I can't give her my undivided attention all day. But at the end of the day, I am her mum, and nothing will ever change that.

I look at it like this. The relationship that dd has with her grandparents is very special and very precious, and she will remember this in the years to come, over and above any toys that she might play with. And as her mum, one of the greatest things that I can ever hope to do for my daughter is to facilitate that wonderful, close relationship that she has with my mum and dad. What a gift to grow up with!

Love isn't finite, she won't love you any less for loving them more. And it isn't a competition either. She won't be adding things up to work out who she loves the mist, and neither should you. What you bring to her life is unique and hugely important, and nobody can replace or overshadow that. But if she can develop loving and meaningful relationships with the other adults in her life as well as her parents, she will be truly blessed and you will have done a great job as a mum.

It's fantastic that your parents love your dd so much, that they want to spend time with her and that they want her to enjoy their company. She will love them, yes, and when she is older, she will thank you for letting her have that time with them. But you are still her mum, and you always will be.

But the OP is talking about stuff - not love.

Yes, but she has said that she is afraid that the "stuff" will lead her dd to love the grandparents more. It doesn't work like that of course, but from what she has said, I think she is worried about more than just the stuff.

Ah. This is about love after all. About whether the OP feels her mother loves her.

OP, sorry. Feel for you. Do you ever post in Relationships? I have been helped reading threads in there. My mother does proxy love and proxy disappointment to a tee.