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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should stop shopping?

111 replies

Listzilla · 10/04/2012 10:43

I was telling my mother yesterday that we got DD a sand table instead of chocolate for Easter. Her answer was 'Oh, okay, I'll get her one for here too'. And when I asked her not to, she got angry with me, because I was being cranky and unreasonable and won't let her buy anything for her granddaughter.

They mind DD two days a week, and there have been discussions before about the amount of stuff they buy for those two days.

DD has more, and better, toys there than she does at home. When we got her her first Duplo set, they bought her two bigger ones. When we got her one of the Fisher Price Little People houses and some people, they got a farm and whole hordes of little people. When we got her a little toddler trike, they got her a bigger, better one. She got more toys from her grandparents than from Santa last year.

She also has a whole wardrobe of clothes up there, even though she turns up at their house fully dressed every morning. One of our neighbours is due a baby girl this week and my mother has sent down a big bag of clothes for her - stuff she bought for DD that's never been worn. She then told me that she was going up to Belfast this week to do some shopping for DD because she's outgrown all the clothes they had for her - you know, the ones she never wore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they're mad about her and I know how lucky we are. But I do think that she's in danger of being terribly spoiled if this goes on for much longer, and that there are probably more constructive uses for their money! Plus it feels like nothing we get her has any novelty value for long because it's immediately replicated in her grandparents' house.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 10/04/2012 11:29

hi Listzilla - can you do what i do and "suggest" things for them to buy

TUT - I must get into town and get DC1 xyz
Granny - me me me - i'll do it
TUT - oohhh DC2 needs new PJ's and i can't find any peppa pig in town, could you keep your eyes peeled and if you find any let me know so i can go and buy them
Granny - 48 hrs later "i was in every shop and finally found them in xx in her size"

perfect.....................

took me 5 years to work this out

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:30

how do you know he is not given these new toys and let play by himself.
I've seen them with her. They wouldn't in a million years leave her to play by herself, not even for 5 minutes. They plan bathroom trips and tea-and-coffee-making in such a way as to ensure that she always has at least one of them playing with her. She's NEVER alone.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 10/04/2012 11:30

Oh gosh, you have an 8 week old!! Things must be tough right now.

It will be hard but try to see the situation in a different light: instead of feeling guilty and jealous that you can't do these things for your DD yourself right now, be thankful that she is getting this attention at what must be a difficult time for her.

Things WILL get better for all of you. Just try to get through these days in one piece.

Ragwort · 10/04/2012 11:32

You sound jealous of your parents - I used to spend two days a week with my GPs and of course it was 'more fun' than being at home with my busy, tired mum - it didn't mean I didn't love my mum, just that I loved being spoiled and being the centre of attention Blush - just like my DS does now when he goes to his GPs - thats what having loving GPs is about - relax and be grateful for what you have. Smile. My GPs are long dead now but I have such lovely, happy memories of them - and still get on with my mum very well - Grin.

marriedinwhite · 10/04/2012 11:35

OP, I really don't want to sound unkind but the last thing you need right now is a row with your parents. As a practical suggestion, could you suggest that your mum and dad look after ds for a few hours each week so that you can take dd out and give her some 1:1 time.

Good luck love, but just as you are clearly doing your very best they sound as though they are too and compensating dd for the difficult time she has right now. Remember that you are their daughter as she is yours and they must be absolutely wringing their hands and hearts together with worry for you.

AberdeenAgnes · 10/04/2012 11:36

I'm really sorry about your DS listzilla. That must be incredibly hardgoing. I can completely understand you feeling sensitive about all of this. I felt incredibly guilty when DD2 came along just before DD1s second birthday. I think that it's completely normal to find things tumultuous when you adjust to being a family of four from a family of three.

On top of that your DS has issues with his health, which must be heartbreaking for all of you. I hope you are getting some real life support. Could your parents occasionally take DS instead so you can spend a little time with DD on her own? (I don't know if his health issues or how he is fed may preclude this)

BBQJuly · 10/04/2012 11:37

Could you say that you're grateful but could they possibly not duplicate the things you have at home, as you'd like your DD to have different things to play with?

Francagoestohollywood · 10/04/2012 11:39

Awwww, OP, but you are sending her to her beloved gp, where she has a wonderful time.
Please don't feel guilty, you are not "shipping her out", she is going to a place where she feels loved and gets all the attention you might not be able to give her with a newborn etc.
I second the advise to ask the gp to look after ds for a few hrs a week, so that you can have a bit of 1 to 1 with your lovely dd.

Gumby · 10/04/2012 11:40

So sorry to hear about your ds & his birth
You must still be traumatised so maybe your transferring that frustration onto your parents

Ephiny · 10/04/2012 11:40

It does seem a bit silly for them to buy so much stuff, especially the clothes that never get worn. But it's their money, and their house, it needn't affect you at all, just think of it as their slightly odd but harmless ways! As long as your DD is happy and being well looked after there, surely that's what matters. And they are doing you a massive favour by providing childcare 2 days a week.

Do you think this might be more about your feelings about 'shipping her out' as you put it? I don't think you should feel bad about that at all, but it sounds like it is bothering you.

squidworth · 10/04/2012 11:42

From reading start to finish I have a feeling that this is a distraction to stop the real worries that you are facing. A poorly baby and your concerned over a sand pit. Being told a child may have a development delay is a grieving process. New borns can be stronger than we think stay strong and take comfort your dd is so well looked after.

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:42

BBQJuly, that's what I said yesterday. It didn't go down well.

I'd love to get them to take DS and let me have DD, but they're nervous of feeding him. He is bottle fed now but has been a terrible feeder since his NG tube was removed and is only just starting to gain weight at a reasonable rate, and they feel they don't know his eating habits well enough to feed him.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 10/04/2012 11:46

I can understand how you feel op and i wouldn't like it either, feeling that what you do is overshadowed by what the grandparents do

But tbh if you are sending your dd there two days a week then I don't think you've got much leverage to complain. If its bothering you that much, don't send your dd there alone. Reserve visits for when you are there too and can be in control of things. Use a nursery or childminder for regular care

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:48

A poorly baby and your concerned over a sand pit.
I have to laugh at that, I think it about sums up the situation!

Worrying about DS is a big, complicated thing that I'm trying to avoid. It's pointless and frightening and doesn't help him in the least. So I'm trying to just get through the days with him as I would with a less sick baby, and just wait and see. We won't have a definite answer as to whether he's brain damaged or not till he's about 5, so there's a good amount of waiting to be done!

Worrying about a sandpit is sooooooo much simpler Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:50

callmemrs, to be honest I've been tempted at times. But it's just because of my own feelings, which are pretty petty and stupid. I know that DD and her GPs adore each other and I wouldn't in a million years take those two days away from them. My mother tells me every time I speak to her that her days with DD are what she lives for. She'd never forgive me if she lost them.

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 10/04/2012 11:55

OP you sound like you need to have a good cry in your mum's lap and from what you have written I think if she and your dad could make it all go away for you they would. In the meantime, they are grieving too for what their daughter had ahead of her which isn't what they have chosen for you and silly spending is their compensation for getting through it too. At times like these you all need to stick together and now row over a sandpit.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 11:57

Don't forget too...no matter how much you love your Grandparents, it's a 'different' kind of love.

I'm sure your DD has enough love in her heart for everyone.

Thingiebob · 10/04/2012 12:03

You all sound like a lovely family who are going through a really rough time at the moment.

Like the OP above said. You need to stick together at the moment and try and bite your lip about the sandpit etc. When things have settled down maybe you can chat to your mum about your concerns.

Tbh I would be a bit ticked off about my mum buying bigger and better stuff as well and worry that my DD would become spoilt! Maybe you could encourage them to get different toys to keep at their house?

All the best.

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 12:08

you sound like you need to have a good cry in your mum's lap
We haven't had that sort of relationship in years, she's only interested in kids. She wouldn't even talk about the birth when I tried to. I get my sympathy ration from strangers on the internet!

OP posts:
PuffPants · 10/04/2012 12:11

This is all to do with your feelings about your choice of childcare, yes?

A nursery would supply your DD with toys, would you be arguing with them in this way?

I really doubt they are acting through any urge other than love. If you are uncomfortable with the level of attachment you need to send her to a nursery or CM instead.

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 12:17

This is all to do with your feelings about your choice of childcare, yes?
No, not entirely.

A nursery would supply your DD with toys, would you be arguing with them in this way?
No, she goes to one and I don't.

I really doubt they are acting through any urge other than love.
I agree.

If you are uncomfortable with the level of attachment you need to send her to a nursery or CM instead.
No, I need to get over it!

OP posts:
AberdeenAgnes · 10/04/2012 12:22

Listzilla, if you would like to talk to any of us about your DS' birth, I am sure you will get lots of support and understanding if you start a thread somewhere, when you are ready.

I hope you are ok xx

PuffPants · 10/04/2012 12:22

Just saw the posts about your poorly boy, I'm really sorry and hope I didn't sound too harsh in my assessment of your situation.

However, I really would just let them get on with it if it makes them happy. Your DD will never love anyone as much as she loves you but she will have a blast with her GPs and that's a special thing too.

Good luck with it all Smile

flibbertywidget · 10/04/2012 12:36

Listzilla..
I had discussions with my mum over similar when my DD was born and I admit I was a little jealous as a frazzled new mum and my mum's rather overbearing wonderfulness - she crafts, makes up stories, and is generally more fun than me.

take one day at a time. You sound like you need to vent to get your emotion of your son's birth and potential issues out. Use us [Grin] - we have broad shoulders..

5 years on and I don't envy the relationship my mum has with my DD or DS now. I totally get it, GP's are there for a reason to provide what I call additional love. My DC's adore my mum and my dad (weirdly not my PILS as much).

Your daughter will love the fact that she just has love all around her and will come out so well balanced. The novelty factor of buying should wear off. I, too had clothes DD didn't wear, toys not played with, my mum soon realised. But I understood her motive, she didn't have much money when we were young to spend on my brothers and I. But she now has some disposable income to spend on my kids. However the spending has dwindled THANK GOD. and she now opts to put money into a savings account.

Use the support they provide. Don't feel competitive against it or overwhelmed by it, chances are you are feeling so overwhelmed as it is right now. Jumping from 1 to 2 DC's is tough, dealing with feelings of guilt now you have another, plus the birth issues with your DS.

MyDogShitsShoes · 10/04/2012 12:43

Op I understand completely. My stbx-pil are exactly the same.

They constantly, and I mean constantly, buy things. Every single time they see him he is delivered back accompanied by a carrier bag full of stuff. And that's just the stuff he's sent home with, you should see the amount of stuff that's kept at their's!

The best example I can think of was when xh showed them a rug we had just bought to go in the nursery. 2 days later they arrived with a rug for the nursery Confused the logic absolutely baffles me.

I put it down to a.completely different set of values. They are hugely materialistic I'm not, in fact it's actually something I feel very strongly about.

They raised xh this way and although he is less so than he used to be he still has a completely different idea of present buying than I do.

As ds is only just 8 months old I had saved up and bought him a.walker for Easter. To me this is a "big present" and I was very excited about it.

The week before Easter I am presented with a photo of ds in his walker. "we got him one to keep here". It might sound completely ridiculous but I cried. How dare they take that away from me? I just felt completely deflated.

I know that doesn't help op and I really wish I had a solution but just wanted to show you that you're not the only one!