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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should stop shopping?

111 replies

Listzilla · 10/04/2012 10:43

I was telling my mother yesterday that we got DD a sand table instead of chocolate for Easter. Her answer was 'Oh, okay, I'll get her one for here too'. And when I asked her not to, she got angry with me, because I was being cranky and unreasonable and won't let her buy anything for her granddaughter.

They mind DD two days a week, and there have been discussions before about the amount of stuff they buy for those two days.

DD has more, and better, toys there than she does at home. When we got her her first Duplo set, they bought her two bigger ones. When we got her one of the Fisher Price Little People houses and some people, they got a farm and whole hordes of little people. When we got her a little toddler trike, they got her a bigger, better one. She got more toys from her grandparents than from Santa last year.

She also has a whole wardrobe of clothes up there, even though she turns up at their house fully dressed every morning. One of our neighbours is due a baby girl this week and my mother has sent down a big bag of clothes for her - stuff she bought for DD that's never been worn. She then told me that she was going up to Belfast this week to do some shopping for DD because she's outgrown all the clothes they had for her - you know, the ones she never wore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they're mad about her and I know how lucky we are. But I do think that she's in danger of being terribly spoiled if this goes on for much longer, and that there are probably more constructive uses for their money! Plus it feels like nothing we get her has any novelty value for long because it's immediately replicated in her grandparents' house.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
Cassettetapeandpencil · 10/04/2012 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 10/04/2012 11:05

Oh my dear, she will never prefer them to you!!

I think it's natural to feel that way but really, you shouldn't think that.

You are her mum. She loves you no matter what you buy.

Francagoestohollywood · 10/04/2012 11:06

If they are looking after your dd twice a week (I presume for a more or less full day?), it makes sense that they get toys to entertain her and spare clothes in case she needs changing.

My mother keeps lots of spare clothes at hers, even if mine don't go there that regularly. However, my mother is tight and uses my and my db's clothes that she kept from the 70s Grin

imnotmymum · 10/04/2012 11:06

I tell you what to alleviate your problem I will happily swap parents with you !! There all better!! You now have grandparents that are so tight that they need WD40 to open their wallets.

BigBoobiedBertha · 10/04/2012 11:06

How do they get to know what you have bought? Maybe don't tell them next time although I appreciate it is hard if it is Christmas and birthdays.

It would annoy me too but whether it needs sorting t depends on their motivation. Is it a game of one-upmanship or are they doing it because they think your DD would like the toys because that is what you have chosen. Maybe they are feeling insecure about chosing toys?

The clothes is a bit odd. Why keep them at their house? Why not give them to you where they might get some use?

I don't think YABU but it is a minefield trying to sort it out.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 11:07

She's 2?

You do sound insecure but I wouldn't mind guessing it goes deeper than just toys.

Why do you feel your own DD will prefer her Grandparents to her own parents?

Kveta · 10/04/2012 11:07

Simple solution - don't tell them what you've bought her, tell them other things. So if you get her some duplo, tell them you got her some new books. If you get her a sandpit, tell them you got a swing set. If they query this when they come to your house, say 'oh, I said we thought about getting her the swing set.'

she will then have different toys to play with at her grandparent's house, and everyone will be happy!

HurricaneBawbag · 10/04/2012 11:07

My mil was like this. She watched dd and ds on a Saturday while I worked, they went to nursery 2 days a week too.

She always spent a fortune at birthdays and Christmas and would say it was her right to spoil them! I got my days at work changed so I didn't do a Saturday, so visits were social and I didn't 'need' her, and then gave her the most outrageous ideas lists for dcs birthdays, she would tell me she wanted to spend £100 on gifts, so I put a 3ds or a telly on it, or the biggest Lego or sylvanian family set I could find... it only took a few short months and I had her saying to me I should calm down with the spending!

marriedinwhite · 10/04/2012 11:08

She won't Listzilla but it's far better she wants to go there and have fun as actually she has to for two days a week because it's childcare. When our dc were small they thought my mother's was the bees knees (although could only go in the hols because too far away). Beach at bottom of garden and crabbing and fishing every day, bike rides with grandad and rides on the mower and then a bloody quad bike. They look back on it as part of their halcyon childhoods that they could never ever have in the middle of London. Now though, granny has early dementia, there is no broad band and absolutely nothing to do there for a teenager even if gps could cope. Going at the end of the week with dd and bloody dreading it and wondering what state I will find them in.

Enjoy it OP - these are autumnal years for your parents and you should let them be wonderful for all concerned.

AberdeenAgnes · 10/04/2012 11:08

Are you just a bit sensitive about the fact that your DD is looked after by someone other than you?

I think it's understandable to feel that way, but the toy thing wouldn't bother me.

HurricaneBawbag · 10/04/2012 11:09

The clothes thing wouldn't bother me. Send the child in her pj's to save you time in the morning!

dreamingbohemian · 10/04/2012 11:10

Believe me, I'm already preparing myself for the day DS shouts at me, Nooooo I wanna go to grandma's, it's better there!

But I know he won't mean it. And I try to just focus on the positive, which is that he has briliant grandparents, and not get neurotic about it.

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:13

Why do you feel your own DD will prefer her Grandparents to her own parents?

Because she goes there for 2 days each week, has all the toys she could wish for, and 100% of the attention of two adults for every minute of the day. They crawl around the floor after her, make up little stories with her toy people, have teaparties with her play food, and do everything she wants, every minute of the day. They use the rest of the week to catch up on the rest of their lives.

In our house, she gets two days of parents who are trying to catch up on things after spending a full week in work, commuting 40 miles each way every day, and at the moment getting very little sleep because DD is getting her back molars and we've an 8 week old DS who wasn't at all well when he was born and still has problems. So we're knackered, busy, worried, distracted, and often crankier than we'd like, and have to do things like cook and clean and wash clothes and look after DS. We're nowhere near as much fun as her grandparents!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2012 11:14

OP, I do get this. You buy a big, special present, and then they trump it "just because".

AberdeenAgnes · 10/04/2012 11:15

Bloody hell, you're both working full time with an 8 week old? No wonder you're stressed Sad Hope things improve for you soon.

GreenEyesAndHam · 10/04/2012 11:16

They could be the funnest grandparents in the world (and they do sound pretty darn good) but she will still prefer you.

Honest.

scuzy · 10/04/2012 11:16

Listzilla young kids are going to be excited by new toys. its a given.

however, if she hurts herself i'm sure its you she wants. if she is upset, hungry, wants a cuddle its you she will want.

the older she gets she will get this, toys are just that ... toys. but you are her only mum and will never come close to anyone else.

be more sure and confident in yourself. your dd does NOT prefer them over you.

scuzy · 10/04/2012 11:17

apologies, meant ds.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 11:18

So it's more down to the fact you both have to go to work and you can't spend more quality time with your DD?

I can totally understand that but please don't take it out on your parents.

It's not fair, they're obviously doing what they can to help you.

I think it's time to focus on your DD's happiness...not what you would like to be able to give her/do for her.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you don't like how your parents show love and support, it's time to employ a childminder.

marriedinwhite · 10/04/2012 11:18

Sorry you are having a bad time. Even better, in the circumstances, that your dd gets that sort of attention from her gps for a couple of days a week. You are doing the hard stuff. It sounds as though your parents know that and are trying to compensate for dd. dd has a new baby brother and things sound very stressful at home. If she wasn't getting the attention she is at your parents then she might be kicking off big time.

Lots of children get seven days a week of what you describe. Your parents are giving her a break from it for two of them. Great parents provide great fun.

Why are you back at work with an 8 week old baby who has been poorly?

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2012 11:22

If she wasn't getting the attention she is at your parents then she might be kicking off big time

Exactly

It's not an ideal home situation for you and your DH, but even less so for your 2yr old.

Therefore, I'd say right now your parents are a god send to all of you.

Please stop sweating the small stuff and projecting your feelings onto them.

scuzy · 10/04/2012 11:23

plan a day out with your ds. a day's holidays from work. how do you know he is not given these new toys and let play by himself. its all materialistic. go to the park, zoo, build memories, bring your camera. better than any new toy.

though i do sympathise with working (same here) and not having the head for play time etc when you have chores and dinner to get on the table after work.

NeedToSleepZZZ · 10/04/2012 11:25

I have wonderful parents that look after my ds 2 mornings a week and he LOVES being with them and I love the fact that he's close to them.

You are her mum and she will love you no matter what toys she has at home. Would you have loved your gps more than your parents if they'd had more expensive toys?

If you're worried about them wasting their money on things that will never be used then maybe you could suggest a savings account for your dd and they are free to contribute IF they want to rather than buying more clothes etc.

BareBums · 10/04/2012 11:25

I think you should cout your lucky stars your dd has gps like this! I'm not kidding. Some kids don't have grandparents or uncles/aunties to dote on them! I think you should suck it up and be grateful your dd is getting such a wonderful experience 2 days a week! Your dd is only young but toys won't make her love her gps more than her parents!

Original poster
Listzilla · 10/04/2012 11:28

Sorry, that was misleading; I'm not actually back at work yet, but me working fulltime is the norm here and what she's used to. I'm on maternity leave at the moment but she's still going to her grandparents so it's not really making any difference to her.

Unfortunately she's had tonsillitis for weeks so the GP wants her kept away from DS, and I was advised to keep sendindg her to childcare anyway because he's likely to have developmental delays due to possible brain damage sustained shortly after birth so he needs extra one on one attention.

Actually that's another thing I'm feeling bad about; I'm at home with him and shipping her out to childcare every day when I'd really prefer to have her here with us.

OP posts: