Thinking about something my ex used to say - horrible isn't it?

[ChickenSkin]

I just mentioned this on another thread but it's got me thinking about it. I've never mentioned it to anyone before incase I was being too sensitive but tell me what you'd think in this situation.

You're sat watching the news and a story comes on about a woman being raped. Your partner then says something along the lines of "oh I'd hate it if that happened to you, would be horrible knowing another man had been all over you".

He didn't see anything wrong with what he'd said. What I interpreted this as was "I'm not that bothered about YOU but I'd be pissed off if some other bloke got to have sex with you".

Like I say, I've never mentioned it before but it does stick in my head. He had aspergers traits which could explain it but he also had a lot of arsehole traits which probably explain it better.

what a vile man! bet your glad your well shot of that charmer!

Vile. Basically implies that you are his posession for him alone to be 'all over'. Never mind that you are your own person who has been violently assaulted, abused, violated, attacked... his woman has been somehow tainted. What a revolting thing to say.

My ex once turned to me in a similar situation and said "I bet you'd LOVE to be raped". I was so shocked I couldn't speak - not least because the only person who had ever done that to me was him. Although he saw that as completely different.

So, you'd have been raped, but it would have been about him?

Well shot, indeed!

I did tell him it was an awful thing to say and he said he'd just "worded it wrong" but he said many similar things over the years we were together.

You are a smart lady for getting rid of him.

yuck. I am glad for you that you are no longer with him.

His only concern,clearly,was how it would impact him.

Horrible. You are well rid of that charmer.

I honestly think he would have been the kind of person that would run someone over and then check the damage to his car before anything else.

He sounds lovely. Just remember - you are free of him but he will always be stuck with himself

What an awful man. So glad you dumped him.

Yes, that is indeed horrible. Totally self obsessed. Thank goodness he is now your ex. lasarusb ugh, that is dreadful too.

Yes, that is certainly wrong. It's good you've put him behind you - he sounds really unpleasant.

Some years ago one of my colleagues was raped in the grounds of our workplace. Another of my colleagues said, "Imagine having to make love to your wife after that." Before then I had thought him a reasonable bloke, after that I only spoke to him when I had to.
YANBU

He said the same thing pear when he was trying to justify what he'd said. "It would take time to want to have sex with you again knowing you'd been with someone else"

It's amazing that they can think like that, let alone say it. It's not like you have a choice if you're raped. It's astounding that they'd even want to stay with you if they feel like that.
It makes me so angry

Well basically he's just saying "It would be horrible if another man had sex with you". He's not bothered about the rape aspect, he's bothered about "another man".

'Do you think it was because of his asperger traits'

Or perhaps he's just a very nasty, possessive man whom the OP thinks has AS traits. No diagnosis, just the opinion of a woman who has had a very troubled relationship with her partner for a long time.
So yes, AS can sometimes mean that you are unable to see something from another person's perspective and will relate a situation to how you feel about it.
That's why situations and inappropriate responses need challenging, explaining and unpicking so that the person with AS understands why the other person is so upset about something and can develop a better relationship and understanding of what's taking place.
My DS understands what happens in rape and why it is a vile and abusive crime, and that it is unrelated to being pretty or wearing particular clothes, and we are working on recognising the signs that a girl likes you in a romantic way rather than just as a friend. Because he needs things laying out for him in black and white and unambiguously and always has. Probably always will in a new situation.
So please don't all go away with the idea that having Asperger's or traits of AS means you are an individual who has no sense of love or respect or compassion.
The OP's partner could just be a horrible misogynist that she has been in a relationship with for far too long.

Sorry everlong, but there is so much bullshit out there linked to AS, it's like the default 'Well, he's a weirdo and not completely human' card.
He may have AS, he may not. If he's an adult and in a relationship he obviously hasn't had and isn't getting much in the way of guidance about how to relate to NTs and cope in the real world. Social Communication Skills and the rest.
Or he's just an arse.

I read a thread in relationships by accident, I was looking up a different poster.
I know nothing about the relationship other than it's been an issue for a while.
Yes, my DS has said inappropriate things to me on occasion when I've hurt myself and he hasn't cared, but that's where you work on developing his understanding about why what he said was wrong.

And I've broken my NY resolution not to get involved in threads on the mainboard that have sn links.
Botheration.