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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm assuming HE'S being unreasonable?? Shouting at me because of a disability??

81 replies

MrsCostner · 07/04/2012 14:29

I have a stutter, always have and it's been a pain in my arse since I started talking. My mum used to get irritated by it, family members used to mimic me, I got bullied at school because of it and have fucked up many job interviews with it. But I can't do anything about it.
This morning I called DH to tell him his car was ready at the garage. I have a migraine and am feeling a bit stressed out and stuttered pretty much every word about 6 times. Suddenly he blurted out "for fucks sake, just tell me the basics, I have stuff to be getting on with". How nasty is that?? So I basically told him "car is ready at garage" and stuttered throughout, mainly because he'd stressed me out further and made me more aware of it. I heard him mutter "jesus christ, finally" when I'd finished. I started to tell him he had upset me, had a massive attack of the stutters and he shouted "just shut up!" and turned off his phone!!!

That was this morning. At 1pm he came in and said he didn't want me calling him at work anymore as it was frustrating listening to me "blabber on" and he couldn't be doing with it. I told him he had really upset me this morning and he went ballistic and shouted at me that I should get something done about it because it drives him insane. He said I embarrassed him at the garage because it took me "years" to tell the guy what car I wanted, he said he hates going to lunch with me because other people look across at us when I talk and he hates me going out with his friends because I "can't even talk properly". This came out of the blue, I have seen him getting annoyed with me before (much in the same way as my mother used to) but he's never actually said anything before.

I said to him if I'm so embarassing and annoying maybe he should leave. I was upset so stutter was terrible and he blew his top and stormed over to me and yelled in my face "shut up, just shut up".

Like I say this is the first time this has ever come to light and is probably the first major row we've ever had. I'm upset for a number of reasons, one being I can't believe this thing has ruined a marriage now. I feel if I annoy him that much he can't love me???

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 07/04/2012 14:33

You poor thing

How horrible for you

I don't know what to say. That's so hurtful and if a friend did it, I'd advise you to bin them pronto

RuleBritannia · 07/04/2012 14:33

There's one answer to this. Get rid of him. Anyone with no patience and it shows in your situation should be got rid of. Where's his love?

t0lk13n · 07/04/2012 14:34

What a rude man. Nasty or what? Hope you feel better. Avoid talking to him full stop and then see how he will like it. Write all things down. Many ways to show him how you feel! [busmile]

pippop1 · 07/04/2012 14:36

That's so sad and upsetting for you OP.

I reckon it's nothing to do with you and lots to do with him having a very bad day, or week or no pay rise or something else that he hasn't told you about. He sounds generally angry.

If you are interested in having some kind of your review of your speech difficulty though then you could go start with a visit to your GP. I guess techniques to help are improving all the time. However if you don't want to then why should you? It's entirely up to you.

BubbleBobble · 07/04/2012 14:37

He's being a giant cunt, I'm not one of the 'leave him' brigade, but you should have a good hard think about whether this is how someone treats someone they love.

Sweepitundertherug · 07/04/2012 14:37

He sounds really charming. What an arsehole.

JustHecate · 07/04/2012 14:37

what a bloody arse he was.

he met you, you had a stutter. he dated you, you had a stutter, he married you, you had a stutter...

and now he decides he has a problem with it?

Arse.

What's his actual problem? Because if it's the stutter, I'm a monkey's uncle.

Whatever it is though, he's got NO right to take it out on you and to lay into you because of something you have no control over.

He is 100% in the wrong here. Your stutter hasn't ruined anything. HE has.

Question now is - what are you going to do?

cronsilksilt · 07/04/2012 14:37

That's incredibly nasty. I have a stutter but most people don't know as it's mostly under control but I have bad days as well. your dh is being really awful to you and abusive.

Flossiechops · 07/04/2012 14:38

Gosh you poor thing, no wonder you feel bad. He sounds like a complete and utter prick to be honest. He has belittled you in a way that he knows will hurt. Why would he do that? What's your relationship normally like?

SuePurblybiltFromChocolate · 07/04/2012 14:39

Goodness, what a fuckwit he sounds. Poor you.

WilsonFrickett · 07/04/2012 14:40

I don't know what to say about this. I want to say 'leave him' but I can't believe that someone would suddenly explode about this after a reasonable length of time together. There surely must be something else going on? Poor you though, I understand that he's been immensely hurtful. Is he under any kind of stress or worry?

picnicbasketcase · 07/04/2012 14:42

Even leaving aside the stuttering for a moment, he has no right to shout at you like that. It does sound like he's very angry about something and has decided to take it all out on you in a huge rush of rage and insults. He can't un-say any of those things now and he should be thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour. I hope you're okay OP. If anything has 'ruined your marriage', it's HIM, not your stutter.

DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 14:43

that actually just made me cry.

I cant believe he said that to you. Thats really low. What a horrible horrible man

MissMogwi · 07/04/2012 14:45

How horrible. You must feel like shit. It doesn't matter if he's had a bad day or week, that's no excuse to use something that you already worry about as a reason to belittle you.

It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

AnnieLobeseder · 07/04/2012 14:45

Do you want to stay with a man who is embarrassed by you? Where is the love? Where is the respect? Perhaps something else is bothering him at the moment causing him to lash out, but that doesn't give him any right at all to treat the one he should love most in this world as his personal punching bag.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but perhaps you could make a sign saying what you most want to say when he treats you like this, something along the lines of, What you are saying is very hurtful and disrespectful. Please stop." Then hold it up for him to read if you can't get the words out. Again, sorry if that's insulting, but if I lost my voice or something that's what I would do. I would also suggest you write him a letter explaining exactly how all of this is making you feel. Usually I'd suggest the two of you have a long chat, but if you can't get the words out when you're upset, that probably won't work.

joanna2012 · 07/04/2012 14:45

has he always been like this

is there anything you can do for yourself to improve your speech if you think it is having a bad effect on your day to day life

he sounds like something else is stressing him out and as always we always take it out on our nearest and dearest :( Could you write him a letter explaining how you feel and what you want to happen next? That way he would have to read it without interrupting you

SydSaid · 07/04/2012 14:46

There must be more to it than this. He can't suddenly have a problem with you being you. Regardless, however, that was HUGELY unreasonable, uncalled for and downright nasty.

I would hope that he will calm down and apologise when he realises just how out of order he has been. Until then, I don't think there is any point in trying to talk to him about it.

startthefansplease · 07/04/2012 14:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

teahouse · 07/04/2012 14:48

Sending you a huge hug.

You don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone, let alone someone you love.

I agree with WF - something else muse be going on. I hope you manage to work this through.

Be kind to yourself; nothing here is your fault

namechangernumber9 · 07/04/2012 14:49

Is this a total one off?? I am only asking because if it is, I think something else is bothering him in work and so a long call was an issue???

What he said was cruel, really, really cruel, so cruel, if it is totally out of the blue, I have to think something else is wrong.

Panamama · 07/04/2012 14:49

I read all of the things he said and I all I could think was that no matter what the reason for him saying that, it was unforgivable. I just want to reinforce one point: HE IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM. Not you. It's not your stutter. It's him. He is a foul person to say all of those things.

Do not think that the stutter has ruined your marriage. It didn't make him scream in your face or say all of those hurtful things. He did that on his own. I am so sorry you have spoken to like this.

Ephiny · 07/04/2012 14:50

Of course he's being unreasonable. It's not nice to shout/swear at your partner, tell them to shut up etc for any reason, but over something like a stutter that you obviously can't help (and have suffered bullying and mockery for from others), it's just cruel and horrible. Embarrassed in front of his friends . Is he 12 years old?

If this really is a complete one-off, then yes maybe it's down to stress or something else going on - but even so I would expect a massive apology and acknowledgement of how hurtful and wrong his behaviour was.

CoteDAzur · 07/04/2012 14:51

He is a cruel jackass. You should consider leaving him, as I'm not sure how a relationship come back to equal ground from such disrespect.

Having said that, surely a stutter is not a disability since it is not permanent and can be cured? Not for this moron you call a husband, but maybe you should look into a treatment for yourself.

CoteDAzur · 07/04/2012 14:52

not necessarily permanent...

DoomCatsofCognitiveDissonance · 07/04/2012 14:53

Oh, love. That is utterly rotten.

I have to say - no matter what else might be going on with him, this is not ok. He needs to realize that it is not ok. It is really awful to treat someone the way he's treated you.

I stutter when I'm stressed, and I can't begin to think how difficult it must be if you always stutter. I have read, btw, that many people who stutter also do something called 'circumlocution', where we speak in a slightly long-winded way, because it is actually easier to say certain longer phrases than a single word, especially if that word is one of the difficult words. I don't mean to tell you this stuff as if you don't know it - you probably do - but of course, given this, it is doubly wrong of him to have a go at you for taking longer to get your point across. It may well be that when you say things, you actually need to chose your words carefully, and he should recognize this as a very normal coping strategy.

I really hope you're ok. I'm shocked for you.

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