Is it normal to leave your midwife appointment feeling like a failure before you've even given birth?!!

[Princessangelove]

I am 28 weeks pregnant with twins and am going to be a single Mummy from the start (having made the positive decision to the leave the father at 10 weeks pregnant after a complete change in his character once i fell pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy). Now i may be a first time Mummy but i am no fool and do understand this is going to be a great challenge especailly considering my family are all in another country. But i have great friends whom are willing to support in many ways.
Today i had my 28 weeks growth scan followed by a midwife appointment. Now i was pleased because both babies are growing well but the meeting with the midwife left me feeling totally vulnerable, useless, extremely frightened and unhappy and in floods of tears.
i was told that the pregnancy was at a very easy stage still and i would soon feel much worse. i was then told i would be totally "whacked out" after the birth. That i'd better start arranging a full support team to help me cope. and the list goes on...
She did give some useful contacts for support and volunteers but it was all put across in such a negative way, without one smile from her, that i started crying as she rattled off all the negatives about the rest of the pregnancy, the birth, and the trouble i'd have afterwards with the twins. This only seemed to prove to her that i was really was unable to cope!! I tried to explain that the slightest thing good or bad, makes me cry what with double the hormones but she insisted that i am already not coping!!
All my friends know i am a very positive, strong, independent woman who is calm and focused and has dealt with many severe situations in my life and i have much experience of working with disabled children.
I am so looking forward to having twins and felt totally judged & deflated after todays appointment... Am I just being unreasonable?

A bit - it WILL be hard work & you WILL need support. I really don;t think she was insinuating you were useless but trying to give you a realistic idea if how hard one baby in your own, let alone two will be, But I am sure you will cope just fine but DO ask for help.

Well I really can understand where you're coming from but on the other hand, it seems as though she was trying to realistically prepare you for what lies ahead.

You know you have support in place so I'm sure you'll prove her wrong.

It's easy for me to say but try not to worry about her 'manner' or opinions and good luck

as a mum of twins,it is hard work,but if you know you have people around to help you will be fine,plus we are all here too xx

Yab a bit U. With two adults and one baby we felt very overwhelmed at first.

It is very hard work and a big adjustment.

I'd plan to get as much support as possible in place - preferably someone to move in for at least a week.

Some MW are old school (was she older?).
I have quite a few friends who i have known since uni who have worked with such and have found them different ( read difficult). I have 3 children and my last MW was quite militant.

I think maybe in her way she was trying to prepare you for having two children. Try not to read to much into it. It will be hard work but you sound prepared with good friends and lots of experience. I doubt she meant to be hurtful.

The fact that you cried today is no reflection of how you will cope as mother.
You sound pretty tough to me.
It is hard, but people cope and I'm sure you will too.
The midwife/health visitors are there as support so make sure you use them if you need to.

I'm sorry that she upset you but probably she was just trying to be realistic to make sure that you do have support networks in place. And, I hate to say it, but your hormones probably aren't helping you at the moment!

Well done for making the tough decision, by the way - congratulations and you will be fine.

Well quite a lot of what she said is just saying how it is. Late pregnancy is knackering, giving birth is physically draining and looking after newborns in the aftermath of both those experiences is a special kind of exhausting.

You'll have raised a red flag because you're on your own and she wouldn't be doing her job properly if she didn't try and make sure you know how important getting proper full-time support is in the early days.

She could have been a bit gentler in her approach, but I'm sure her intention was to make sure you do cope rather than imply you aren't already.

Unless you feel you need or want the support keep your mouth shut.

I was a single mum but I didn't advertise the fact because I found I was treated very differently once that was discovered.
I may have missed out on some support but I felt I was managing just fine without it so no big deal.
MW's can be quite unhelpful and force their opinions upon you at the best of times, I was told you'll never breast feed for example, just ignore or be a bit more circumspect.

I think thefurryone has summed it up well.

She really wouldn't be doing her job if she didn't try to get across to you how difficult it's going to be.

That's not to say it's too difficult and that you won't cope

But you do need the support you told her you have in place and it sounds like she's just drumming it home to you to make sure you take the help offered.

A bit U R, she was trying to help you, twins are hard work and she is trying to support you, what do you except her to do? really she could just ignore the reality of twins and let you look for the info yourself , as a mum of Dt it is not easy, I hav DH but even between us both we can't organise a night out even at boys age 7, because when they are babies you know no one else can cope and as they get older others realise twins are a who differnet ball game and don't want to help..I will admit no grand parents on either side but in many ways ( don't tell anyone else this twins are actually easy for certain events such as weaning and potty training) chin up

Your hormones will be much worse after birth for a while. I had support and sobbed for days!

What goulsjustwanna said. Two adults and one baby was a massive shock. I think the midwife is just being practical - having friends around who can help is cool if they are willing to stay overnight; babies in the day sleep quite a lot and the nights can feel very lonely if you're awake for a lot of it. She's probably got your mental health in mind and is trying to help you prepare.

A single mum with twins in our NCT group hired a live-in nurse for the first month or more. She copes well generally though and once you are through the early bits I think their companionship will be a real blessing and lovely to be around.

OP, if you're in the UK do look into Homestart for some support that doesn't just rely on mates. You'll be fine, you sound like a strong woman who has made a tough decision.

Yanbu - the single fact tgat she doesn't seem to understand tgat crying when pg is normal is

Mw's can be a bit militant and not v. Personal but having twins is no joke. I had twins when my first ds was 2 & it was extremely hard work. My dh didn't get time after birth & people soon cleared off. Not many people can cope with twins even though they mean well & do initially offer support. The comments from the midwife are nothing compared to people on the street! I found the rather you then me type comments & constant staring v.hard to deal with. It will be tough & you have to prepare yourself for it mentally & physically. I found as soon as you put 1 down the other started, it was endless for the 1st year. My friend had twins as a single parent & her mum moved in with her for a year. Is there anyone that could stay with you for a while? Good luck

I think the midwife was in her own way trying to prepare you for the hard work when the twins are born? As everyone has said having two parents and one new baby is a shock to the system. I was really shocked at how exhausted I was after the labour, I don't know how it is for everyone, but it was an effort to get up and go to the bathroom.

I think be realistic and get as much help as you can from your friends, they sound brilliant by the way!

I think if you help yourself as much as possible and maybe do some batch cooking and freeze some meals so you don't need to cook, build up a stock pile of tinned food and pasta etc, so you can easily rustle up a meal of pasta and pesto sauce for example in 10 minutes.

Maybe buy some extra vests and baby grows for the twins so that if you have a bad day you can leave putting the washing machine on for a day.

If you're going to formula feed or mixed feed, then use cartons of formula milk instead of powdered milk until you get settled into a routine. It does cost more, but I think the time it will save you is worth more at least for the first couple of weeks.

Another tip is make a flask of tea and at least you can always have a hot cup of tea ready if you get interrupted...it's a little thing, but once you've had a baby a hot drink is a rarity!

I think you will be fine by the sounds of it as you sound very strong. Just don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

YANBU, I had a really horrid experience during my booking in appointment. Its my first baby and so this was the first time i'd ever been in contact with a midwife. She showed no warmth, no empathy, was very negative, she showed no basic level of care (I have never known anyone take a blood sample in this way!) and basically if you haven't got the picture by now, her attitude stinked!!

I was left feeling judged and upset, I felt that had I have been a 'Mrs' or had my partner been present or if I had managed to get out of my trackies and put some makeup on, then maybe she would have treated me differently. She treated me like I was second class.

I too am an independent, confident, positive person and I rarely 'let the bastards get me down' but she succeeded good and proper!

Anyway, all the midwives I have seen since then have been as I expected a midwife should be. And so far fingers crossed I have not had to cross paths with the horrid one again.

So I think unfortunately you probably just got a 'bad one'. Think back to your other appointments with other midwives, you probably would have left feeling totally different had you have seen one you were happy with previously?

Like the other posts have said what she said to you is probably her job to say it, but IMO how its said it just as important.

I wish you all the best, and although i'm sure you will find it incredibly hard work, i'm sure you will do a great job. Good luck !

The furryone: "special kind of exhausting"

I will agree that the midwife's intention wasn't a bad one but the execution was somewhat lacking in compassion. With twins you might have to make all the plans early and she just probably tried to spur you into action.

The only other thing is that you may wish to contact tamba.org.uk It's an organisation for parents of twins and multiples. A friend of mine found them hugely helpful and sympathetic.

Thank you for the feedback.
It was more about her tone & negativity... she actually had positive information to give me about support but made it sound as though I am going to find life impossible from now on... If she'd been just slightly enthusiastic about the support it would have made me feel 100% better!!
I know it is not going to be easy. I am realistic & have never been one to wear rose tinted glasses or sugar coat life but i also know the effects being positive and being around positive energy can have on one and this was not what i would call a positive experience. We might not be directly paying for the NHS but surely their needs to be a level of professionalism & empathy in the way they speak to patients.
At the end of the day... no-one, as a first time mother, either single or with partner, of one or two babies, knows exactly what it will be like, no matter how many books they read or how much advise they are given... it is a new experience for everyone involved and the adjustment for both parents and babies is always going to be a challenge to say the least... and i am not in denial about that.
I'll try and take her attitude toward me with a pinch of salt and continue as i am, taking each and everyday as it comes and remaining as positive and realistic as i can and preparing the best ways i can with the help and support that is around me from friends, family and outsiders.
Thanks again.

I've only got one baby and a very involved, supportive other half and its still tougher than I ever imagined it would be (but also wonderful!). While the MW perhaps wasn't terribly sensitive it must be hard to strike the right balance in warning first-timers without discouraging them. The most important thing is to grab on to every bit of support you can get.

PS x-posted with Princessangelove

I thought that life with a newborn baby was one of unrelenting misery after hearing people moan and say "you'll have NO sleep EVER AGAIN" and that I'd spent 6 months in a stained dressing gown unable to brush my hair/leave the house...it was actually really lovely and I enjoyed it!

Maybe she's trying to bring you down to build you up? I do agree she could have softened it when she saw you were upset maybe. Try not to worry too much, I know a couple of people with twins and as they were their first babies they didn't know any better and coped just as well as those with singletons once they had the logistics sorted out. Get a decent buggy that you can push easily and will be comfy for the babies to sleep in, if you can get out in the fresh air and walk it will really help - crying sounds a lot less bad outside and you can always put some music on your headphones if it's really bad!

Just to add that if you really don't like this midwife, you are entirely within your rights to request a different one. You don't have to be cared for throughout pregnancy, by someone you feel is judging you negatively and who seems unable to provide the kind of support you need.

Yanbu imo - yes, she does have to make you aware of the difficulties (that you might not have already considered), but she should know that pg women do cry because of their hormones and she shouldn't take that as a sign of you not coping.

I would contact the head of the midwifery services and get assigned a new midwife - there is no excuse imo for lack of compassion and kindness in this kind of role.

And just because it is free at the point of delivery, the country is paying for this service and don't have to accept shoddy attitudes from the staff.

When you go pram shopping, if you have a friend with a couple of kids, maybe get them to sit in the pushchair before you buy it. My ds 2 and 3 are 16 months apart and I had no idea just how heavy the double pushchair would be, when I added in a toddler, a baby and a load of shopping. Get one with lots of basket space too.

oh look, I've started on prams now. I loved pram shopping. Will shut up now