Is it normal to leave your midwife appointment feeling like a failure before you've even given birth?!!

[Princessangelove]

I am 28 weeks pregnant with twins and am going to be a single Mummy from the start (having made the positive decision to the leave the father at 10 weeks pregnant after a complete change in his character once i fell pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy). Now i may be a first time Mummy but i am no fool and do understand this is going to be a great challenge especailly considering my family are all in another country. But i have great friends whom are willing to support in many ways.
Today i had my 28 weeks growth scan followed by a midwife appointment. Now i was pleased because both babies are growing well but the meeting with the midwife left me feeling totally vulnerable, useless, extremely frightened and unhappy and in floods of tears.
i was told that the pregnancy was at a very easy stage still and i would soon feel much worse. i was then told i would be totally "whacked out" after the birth. That i'd better start arranging a full support team to help me cope. and the list goes on...
She did give some useful contacts for support and volunteers but it was all put across in such a negative way, without one smile from her, that i started crying as she rattled off all the negatives about the rest of the pregnancy, the birth, and the trouble i'd have afterwards with the twins. This only seemed to prove to her that i was really was unable to cope!! I tried to explain that the slightest thing good or bad, makes me cry what with double the hormones but she insisted that i am already not coping!!
All my friends know i am a very positive, strong, independent woman who is calm and focused and has dealt with many severe situations in my life and i have much experience of working with disabled children.
I am so looking forward to having twins and felt totally judged & deflated after todays appointment... Am I just being unreasonable?

Firm up the arrangements with your friends now - if they haven't had kids they will have no idea that despite being strong and independent you will need their actual practical help.

A comedienne said to her friend who was expecting triplets, " Don't worry, people will help - not me obviously but others will". [bugrin]

In my baby massage class, the most relaxed and sorted mum was tge one with twins. Don't know if it were an act but she's a good actress if it was. I always felt a bit crappy next to her.

You will be fab I'm sure.

Karma is right. Maybe she was just not a very good midwife. I think you get that it's going to be tough, it's also going to be wonderful.
Don't think we should be trying to second guess why she was so negative.
She simply should have put things across in a better manner.
Perhaps she needs some re training.

Midwives can be pretty good at making you feel like crap, as can HV's BUT you need to be realistic, and get that support in place NOW.
You say your friends will help? In what ways? Will they be able to commit to specific days/times, or is it more of a general, vague offer of help?
I only ask, because I had one on my own, and it was HARD. He didn't sleep much, cried 3 solid hours a night, and if I had had another one at the same time, not sleeping when his twin was awake I would not have coped.
My childless friends came to visit a few times, cooed over the baby, maybe did a bit of washing up, and then left. They didn't really take to the mess, my wild eyed exhaustion, the boredom.

Look, it might be OK, you might get two like my friend who later had twins who slept through from virtually birth, but if not you will need real, planned support.
You say you have no family near-could you go to family for a while?

She was just trying to help. If you were a single parent of twins with very little support around you it would be extremely difficult.

It sounds like she's frightened for you, and despite her poor manner, she has reason to worry. Twins are v v tricky - 50% are born early, and 50% spend time in SCBU/NICU. They are more likely to have health problems in the first year and mothers of twins are 74% more likely to have PND.
When it comes to support, what helped us the most was a childminder who came in overnight twice a week, so we got some sleep.
It's not a bad thing that shes flagging all this to you now - throw it back saying you're worried about coping and let her try and access some help on your behalf - referral to Homestart, recommendation of overnight Childminders etc. Take ALL help offered.
Have you joined your local twins club and TAMBA? They're almost essential!

Thanks Karmabeliever & Alanmoore,
I am going to tlk to another Midwife either today or next week, after Easter, because this style of her approach is not going to help me at all.
Maybe i am overly optimistic and positive but i am also very grounded and am ready fro this challenge... i just keep thinking if it is that horrible and destructive to one's life then why do so many women go on to have more babies after their first. Their must be good parts as well!! and a little encouragement and positive support is all i was wanting from the MW alongside covering the practicalities of what support was available!!
Her sneezing all over me several timmes wasn't such a nice experience either LOL.
Oh well i'm not going to stay upset over this... my nature is too upbeat for that.
I love my babies so much already and know everything will be just fine... no matter what!!

I dunno. What she said seems eminently reasonable. Her manner and presentation may well have been poor.

By the way, I may have misunderstood and be overthinking your words, but just in case: remove the word "failure" out of your vocabulary in this context. Failure is not possible while giving birth. It may go brilliantly. It may go badly. But it is not an exam; it cannot be failed.

". i just keep thinking if it is that horrible and destructive to one's life then why do so many women go on to have more babies after their first."

Nowadays many, many people don't have any more after twins. If I'd had my twins first I wouldn't have had another.

You know, it's fantastic that you're optimistic. Grounded. All good. But realism is important too. I URGE you to get in touch with your local twins group and speak to other women who have been through this. Put together a plan - how will you manage when you come home from hospital? What will you do if one is discharged earlier than the other? If you need to drive for your life to function, how will you manage if you have to have a c section?
REGULAR support is essential - not well meaning friend's dropping off a shepherds pie now and then.

I'm so sorry you feel so negative about the whole experience. Without being there it's impossible to gauge whether she was being negative or just trying to give you fair warning, but I wanted to come on and support you anyway.

Im a single mum of twins. I've been on my own since they were four months old when I left their father with literally just the clothes on my back. He became emotionally abusive at 3 months into my pregnancy and TBH I wish I'd left him then as at least I'd have been able to prepare for single motherhood a bit better. I had no support off him once the babies were born and may as well have been on my own. In the four months we were together, he never once bathed them or made up/sterilised a bottle for example. I left because I was fed up with this, at which point he turned physical and tried to strangle me. Needless to say he has supervised contact only.

Despite all this, I actually found being a single mother EASIER. With only my DC to concentrate on rather than another adult, it frees up a lot of time and mental energy. You have the added advantage of going in to this with your eyes wide open. You will have somewhere to live and be able to put coping strategies in place before your DTs are even born. You are going to be absolutely fine.

I have very limited support. My family are mostly dead and those left do not live locally. I have good friends but they have families and lives of their own so were limited in the help they could offer, although one friend in particular was absolutely wonderful and I owe her a debt of gratitude I can never repay. It's been hard, but then it's equally hard for many mothers in marriages with limited support too. Having a partner is no guarantee that they'll actually be much help whether that's because of work or whatever.

It will be hard, but it's doable. Gather as much support as you possibly can and don't be afraid to ask for it, but you'll be fine, honestly. Because it was just the three of us, the bond I have with my DTs is amazing. Those early years where I could have cried with tiredness were a part of forming that bond. We got through it together.

Also, I know this may sound counter-intuitive, but for me work was an absolute godsend. It helped me keep some sort of routine (essential with twins IMO) and allowed me my own mummy-free identity and the chance to converse with adults about non-child-related things. Also having a dog helped as it forced me to get out of the house at least once daily (ideally twice). The exercise and fresh air was beneficial for us all, both physically and mentally. Little things like this can make a huge difference, so even if you can't get enough sleep (and you won't), make sure you get daily exercise and adult company. It will keep you sane.

Be prepared and aware of the pitfalls but put the doomsayers out of your mind. You are going to embark on an exciting new phase in your life and while having twins is challenging it is an amazing privilege. I wish you every joy and the best luck in the world.

Oh and I was walking my dog 6 miles a day right up to the day before I gave birth (induced) even though I was so big I had to give up driving because I couldn't fit behind the wheel of the car. So you won't necessarily be tired and fed up at the end of your pregnancy either.

Congratulations!

Lining up support now doesn't mean you're being judged as a failure before you've given birth. It means you're being realistic and making sensible plans. For instance you could be referred to Homestart now, which would be a good idea as they often have a waiting list of families who are looking for a volunteer.

What kind of help will your friends provide?

I agree that the word "failure" should be stricken from your vocabulary.
Of course you can do it, and you will be fine.
I think a lot of posters on here are just worried for you, a bit, and want to make sure you have a realistic plan of sorts.

I am a bit in awe of sunshine and books now, as I know I wouldn't have coped with twins, (and I wont get a dog because it's too much responsibility!)but everyone is different, and that's OK.

If you have more support in place than you need-great! Better than not having enough.

Requesting a different midwife sounds like a good plan because even if this one was well-intentioned, it is not her job to make you feel judged or incompetent or to express disapproval of single mothers. Some midwives are not nice people (just as members of other professions include not nice people - but you'd think members of caring professions would try a little harder).

The daft mare knows perfectly well that leaving a bad relationship during pregnancy can often be a positive step because, sadly, it's a high risk time for domestic violence to start. (Not that that is necessarily the case in your relationship, but midwives should be bearing that in mind.)

Finding out about sources of support such as TAMBA and Homestart right now would be a good idea, so you have something practical in place before the babies are here. And use the information they give you to explain to your friends what they can do for you - they may be great but perhaps not have a clue about the best way to help you.

Best of luck!

I had a right miserable cow of a MW for several appointments when pg with DD2 (planned, with supportive DH). I felt more judged and looked down on than when I was having DD1 (single mother in council house!) She made me feel like a naughty schoolgirl in the head's office. It didn't help that DH was fiddling with his keyrings and managed to flick a boingy metal spring right across her office.
Some mws just have no bedside manner at all, I hope you get a lovely one to make up for her!

Sunshine, I think you're amazing! [busmile]

I'm really jealous of you! I was desperate for twins and felt quite cheated when the scan showed just one baby.

You'll be fine. Lots of shortcuts you can take if necessary. If you eat cereal 3 times a day for the first month it would be dull but you wouldn't starve.ied

Firstly Cherryblossom27 has given you some really good advce there make sure you take that advice and prepare yourself as much as possible.

Before I had a baby everyone told me labour would be horrendous and that being a parent let alone a single parent would be the hardest thing in the world, that my life would be over and I'd never sleep again.

Now I admit I didn't have twins, but, the labour wasn't nearly as bad as people made out. And although being a mum is very hard work it's not as difficult as people made out it was going to be.

I think people are right the midwife was probably just trying to prepare you it will be physcially and mentally draining.

Get as much help and support as you can, if you need to ask for extra help never feel as thought you've failed. And when they're born and your in your worst most exhausted moment just remember they're not babies forever, they will sleep the night through eventually, and when they become little people and more independent all the hard work is absolutely worth it.

If you left an appointment in tears she has failed in her role. You should be leaving with a 'this is hope I'm going to cope' feeling.

I had a couple of hideous experiences with midwives early on in my pregnancy. Eventually a separate health care professional complained on my behalf and I was put under the care of the head midwife for the area who was so much better.

People who haven't had a truly bad midwife don't know how awful it can be.

BTW I forfilled every box for not being able to cope, older mother/professional career/zero experience of babies/adopted myself and I can honestly say I loved it.

all the best

Katy

I have twins and the early days were intense, feeding would take about 3 hours as once one was finished almost always the other one wanted fed. I found that being organised and taking advantage of the times between feeds helped. I would honestly have them at that age again over and over as dirty nappies and constant feeding trumps fighting 5 year olds! Good luck you will need it as its not easy at all but the joy far out weighs the difficult times which are very short lived.

Oh for goodness sake , there are plenty of women who have had babies on their own , in many respects it can be easier , so cherry pick the bits of useful information the midwife gave you and ignore the way she imparted it to you . YOU WILL BE FINE

My three worst experiences in life involved three separate midwives being insensitive and unkind. It is reasonable to expect better and there is a training/supervision gap - although my experiences go back 14-18 years now.

It is hard work, you will need help all you can possibly get, but you will get through it and your children will be an asset to you.

Good luck.

Having a baby isn't always easy but I expect the OP already knew that. I don't understand why some people think that labouring the point (excuse the pun) will be helpful. OP listen to advice, not criticism and browbeating! Sometimes you will get tired and fed up but of course you will be alright, most parents and children do fine don't they?

A friend of mine had twins and a two year old and looked to homestart for support and I think other posters have mentioned them. You will find your own way, as you have rightly said, no-one knows what its like until your there with baby/babies. You will muddle through like the rest of us and do just fine! Try not to worry, focus on yourself while you are pregnant and get plenty of rest.

There is a lovely quote doing the rounds on facebook at the moment.

"I'm a strong person but every now and then I also need someone to take my hand and say everything will be alright..."

Having twins is definitely a time when you need someone around occasionally.