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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that telling someone when we are busy isnt 'dictating when they can come over'

86 replies

Voidka · 05/04/2012 09:06

Its a MIL one - sorry.

We have a strained relationship but I never stop her seeing the DC's.

Last night she called to see if we would be in so she could come over to bring the children's Easter Eggs. I said that DS1 and DD have opticians appointments this morning, and then tomorrow we are going away for the weekend so we wont be back until Tuesday.

So I suggested this afternoon or this evening. She said she was busy this afternoon so it would have to be this evening.

She has now sent DH a text saying she doesnt appreciate being 'dictated' to about when she can come over to see her GC. I have told DH exactly what I said and (for once) he agrees with me, but has said that I should try and be more accommodating. I asked when he suggested I could have accommodated her as he wants to leave at 7am in the morning, to which he just shrugged.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Tee2012 · 05/04/2012 09:47

"When my kids were young my MIL popped round as and when. If we were out'... so be it. If we were in and busy I gave her a job to do. She sometimes took the kids out of the way for me whilst I got on. I really don't understand this having to make an appointment thing?"

And I don't understand the 'go ahead and drop round' thing. It's a horrible invasion of my space and my privacy.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 05/04/2012 09:47

She sounds like an awkward cow. I would be really quite cross about her going and whining to your DH about you then your DH telling you to be accommodating to her. If he wants her to be able to come over whenever she likes then I would tell him that he needs to be home to see her when she comes over.

clam · 05/04/2012 09:47

"it seems you have just made plans to go away without considering the family at all"
Hmm And why on earth shouldn't they make plans to go away for the weekend?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 05/04/2012 09:48

And I don't think the OP has come across as controlling at all. Having an optician appointment and a weekend away is hardly controlling and done as a plot to stop the MIL seeing the DCs is it?

annalovesmrbates · 05/04/2012 09:48

Well, she is BU, you are not dictating when she can see the DCs. However, with a little more thought on both your parts, this could have been avoided. Either of you could have made arrangements earlier in the week to meet up and exchange cards and eggs. So on balance I think that you are both being a bit unreasonable.

annalovesmrbates · 05/04/2012 09:48

Well, she is BU, you are not dictating when she can see the DCs. However, with a little more thought on both your parts, this could have been avoided. Either of you could have made arrangements earlier in the week to meet up and exchange cards and eggs. So on balance I think that you are both being a bit unreasonable.

ElphabaisWicked · 05/04/2012 09:49

It's not a matter of the op demanding control. My mil just pops in. If we are not in she just comes back another time or leaves whatever it is in the porch. But the ops mil gets annoyed if they are not in

Why shouldn't the op and her dh go away for Easter plenty people do

Families have busy lives. Kids don't want to spend all their Easter holidays cooped up inside the house just in case their grNdparents might decide to pop round

If I was the op and mil had been whining on to dh behind my back I would be telling her in no uncertain term that she has no rights with regards to her gc. We as parents are in charge and our home is ours to be there or accept or not whatever visitors we deem fit

Riversidegirl · 05/04/2012 09:50

Ye. Invite her to the optician's appointment. What's the problem?

BusinessTrills · 05/04/2012 09:52

YANBU

I agree with MrFunny - the point of calling to see when it is convenient, is to see when it is convenient.

Colliecollie · 05/04/2012 09:52

Your dh is putting his mum before you. He should have backed you up to his mum and That would have been the end of it.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/04/2012 09:53

To your MIL: 'If you have a problem with an arrangement I've made with you, please contact me direct about it, not DH'.

To your DH: the same question you asked him before, repeated until you get more than a shrug in response.

Of course YANBU.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 05/04/2012 09:55

Ladyclarice has it right. Your DH is avoiding, and letting you take the flack for a quiet life. Tell him you expect his support.

Gumby · 05/04/2012 09:55

Why on earth would the op invite her to an opticians appointment?!

Your dh should have arranged to see his mum at some point over the holidays with the kids instead of leaving you to sort it all out

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 05/04/2012 09:56

Your DH sounds like he is frightened of his mum and does everything she says. Has he always been a mummy's boy?

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 05/04/2012 09:57

Text back:

"Mum, I know you don't like being dictated too. Neither do we. That's why we don't do that. Instead we have this system of calling each other to arrange a mutually convenient time.
Also we are sad that you think you are only coming over to see your gc. We will be here too - don't you enjoy visiting us, as well?"

Or alternatively
"actually, Voidka made a mistake - we're busy this evening, too. But you can come around anytime Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday"
Grin

Figarello · 05/04/2012 10:01

I don't have any family close by but if the alternative was them just to come around whenever they felt like, I much prefer this alternative (and I actually love my mil!).

OP, yanbu. Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his mother to stop being so controlling.

BonnieBumble · 05/04/2012 10:02

My mil is like this, I don't know if it is a generational thing. I asked her if she wanted to get together over the Easter hols and she said that would be lovely. I asked her when she was free and she said she doesn't make plans in advance, I said in that case there were 4 days out of 10 that we were not free as we had other plans and she said oh well in that case I won't bother as I don't work to a schedule! Now I have two disappointed children as she isn't going to see them at all.

My inlaws always do this they refuse to do any sort of forward planning and then get the hump when they just turn up and we are on our way out.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 05/04/2012 10:04

I am a MIL and absolutely always very often take the MIL's point of view in these kind of spats but if you'll forgive me I think she is being bloody ridiculous OP, I mean what's the point of asking if she's going to be offended by your perfectly reasonable reply?

FWIW however I always make arrangements with DDil rather than DS because she has the lion's share of planning the family's comings and goings which is no mean feat now that my DDDDDDDDGDs are old enough to have very busy social lives but not old enough to get themeselves there and back independently!

Original poster
Voidka · 05/04/2012 11:53

Thats exactly our circumstances too Sarah - DH works very long ours and works away a lot so he couldnt tell MIL what our plans were.

I think it would be very odd for me to invite her to the opticians. She wouldnt have seen the children anyway - DS2 is at a SN playscheme so I only have DS1 and DD and they both had appointments at the same time with different opticians.

I dont think she has to make an appointment - now she rings at a weekend and I tell her when we are busy and she comes when its convenient for her and when we are going to be around. Its a 25 minute drive from hers to ours so she used to get really mad when she would drop in and we wouldnt be there. She used to come at times to see DD like 9am in the morning when I would still be dropping the boys off - she would be sat outside at 9.30 really cross because I wasnt there.

OP posts:
Riversidegirl · 05/04/2012 12:12

Couldn't she have been involved by taking one to the opticians for you? It may have taken a bit of weight off your busy schedule.

I agree Voidka, she is rude to be mad with you if you are not in. MIL like to be involved so what about giving her 'tasks'. Like, if she's there in time, let her take the kids to school for you?

This is not a wind up reply but a help with reaching compromise.

HeartsJandJ · 05/04/2012 12:15

From what the OP has posted I don't think the MIL sounds like she'd be particularly reliable. Someone who turns up at 9am on a school day and gets stroppy having to wait until 9.30 sounds like someone who'd be quite happy to keep the OP on tenterhooks wondering it she would actually turn up in time to take the children to opticians/whatever.

OP, I think you have a quite horrible sounding MIL but your DH also sounds quite flaky. Can't understand at all why he would have a snipe at you about this?

WinkyWinkola · 05/04/2012 13:29

She sounds like a spoiled brat, op. I wouldn't be inclined to involve someone like in my family life with 'tasks' at all. What a negative witch.

If she gets mad again, I would simply ask her to return when she is in a better mood and not behaving like a madam because you are not at home waiting for her to arrive. For pity's sake.

VikingVagine · 05/04/2012 13:35

OMG, no one picked up on the fact that she doesn't eat chocolate; she is obviously an alien, YANBU!

Inertia · 05/04/2012 13:41

Sounds like she's seen her arse because you're not around to be at her beck and call over Easter weekend. Of course YANBU.

clam · 05/04/2012 13:50

The thing that would most hack me off about this is her texting your dh to complain about you. THAT needs sorting with a snippy reply back.