To rant about passive smoking here because...

[DairyNips]

... I don't want to fall out with my pil?

My pil are lovely people and they adore their grandchildren (we have 2 ds's and one on the way). However, they smoke. Fil is open about it and mil hides it but we all know.

We have had words about the smoking several times since the dc came along. They generally leave the room to smoke but just dot make enough of an effort. Mainly its fil as mil tends to do it when we're not there. There's two issues really, the first is fil doesn't go far enough away to smoke so the smoke still drifts through. For eg he will go in to the kit hen which is out of the lounge and through the dining room. So two rooms away, no doors closed in between, no open windows. Sometimes he does it in the downstairs loo, just in the dining room (so the next room). Occasionally he goes out the back door, still no good as he stands near the door with it open and the smoke just drifts back in.

On occasion he has actually lit his fag whilst we were in the dining room with the children and he was stood in the kitchen, so effectively the same room as joined by open double doors. On these occasions we have suddenly realised (no warning given) and angrily taken the children in to the lounge and got their coats on to go. Dh has then had a quick rant at his mother about fils disgusting behaviour and we've left. This has happened several times as it never seems to sink in.. Fil will also light up on his way out and stand in the hall with lit fag saying bye etc whilst smoke drifts in to the lounge where we are.

The second problem is that the house is usually stinking of fag smoke when we visit. We always call before hand when we go because we don't want them to be smoking when we arrive. So they always have warning we are about to turn up. Regardless of this, 9 times out of 10 they just spray a ridiculous amount of air freshner as they believe it 'kills the toxins'. This means when we arrive it absolutely reeks of a heady mix offal smoke and air freshner which makes me feel really ill and terrible that the kids and my unborn baby are being subjected to this. If they don't spray anything (like this evening) it just reeks of smoke. After being there for half an hour tonight I had a headache and felt sick and had to leave. Sometimes my dh opens the window when we're there to let some fresh air in, they never get why he has done this and mil always asks him to close it as she's 'cold'. Oh well that's ok then, better for your grandchildren to breathe in poisonous fumes than you be a bit chilly.

That's the other thing I don't understand, the fact we ring before we go there gives them an ideal opertunity to air the room and open the windows themselves but they never do. They obviously just think the smoke disappears after they smoke and no need to do anything?!

They know by now we don't like smoking and certainly don't want the kids passive smoking but still it just doesn't seem to register they're not doing enough to protect our dc from it

I'm so sick of this, we don't want to fall out with them over it as the dc love visiting on a regular basis. I just want them to 'get' how harmful it is.

Stop going round.

Don't go round there then?

I would but the dc ask to go and they hardly ever come here The dc and them adore each other..

Spell it out to them if you're not happy. They're obviously not getting the hint.

You can't make them change their behaviour in their own home. You either suck it up (literally) or don't go there, or don't go often.

Think you are a bit over the top, it's their house, they smoke.
They try to make an effort by going into different rooms, when you smoke you really don't realise how much it reeks, I say this as an ex smoker.

How often do you visit?
Can they not visit you instead?

I don't really want them to change their behaviour that much. Is it so hard to open a window cause you care about your grandchildren? I just feel really hurt they don't seem to care.

You've said that they spray air freshener around in the belief it 'kills the toxins' and they remove themselves to a different room when you and the DCs are there. So you can't really then say that 'they don't seem to care'. Sounds like they're making the effort, even if it's not quite what you'd like them to do.

What would you like them to do, btw? Stop smoking in their house full stop on the off chance you may pop by?

You can't control what they do in their own home. You could suggest meeting elsewhere, or offer to pick them up to visit you. If you are really worried about the passive smoke thing,then you will just have to limit your visits so you know your children aren't exposed too frequently.

They probably don't realise how much their house reeks of smoke - smokers just don't understand how smelly it can be, and how revolting it smells until they give up.

Have you actually said 'we are not happy with you smoking in the house while the children are there, and would you mind opening a window to air the living room a bit before we come round'?

Aw I know how you feel. My grandparents smoke in their house and even though they make an effort to open windows before any non smokers visit, I refuse to take DD there because it just stinks of smoke. I think you need to sit them down and tell them what needs tp change, or you will not be bringing over the children anymore.

fanny I don't think I'm over the top. I used to smoke myself, I know what it's like. I gave up to before we had the dc. There are so many ads on tv etc these days I just don't know how anyone can ignore the risks to young children.

For one thing my sil has just had a baby and goes round there and this will be increasing that baby's risk of cot death.

It's not just a bit smelly, there are serious risks. Glue ear, asthma, chest infections, it kills the neurons in children's brains, that's just to name a few.

Through the week we pop in most days for half an hour as ds always asks to after nursery. If we didn't pop in they'd probably come here once a month or something like that. They live on the next street so it's not far for them to come. If we don't go round they complain they miss the dc.

Tbh, if they smoke loads & always inside, the house will stink of smoke (to a non-smoker) no matter how much airing/spraying they give it.

My mum smokes, but she always goes outside to do it. Could FIL do that?

If it's the only place in their lives your DC's are exposed to smoke, I'd let it slide, plenty of fumes out of vehicles on the road so they're exposed to chemicals that way anyhoo.

Its their house, they smoke. Smoking is their choice - you won't be able to change the way they live their lives and tbh your husband, their son having a rant at his Mum about his fathers disgusting behaviour is rude, and completely unnecessary. Is there a compromise, can they take the grandchildren out to the park, zoo or something?

They love your children, your children love them, try and not let your personal feelings on their smoking ruin this.

Difficult situation. My best friend smokes and I don't go round there as often as I might do if she didn't. But I still visit because I figure that the risk of passive smoking is really quite minor when you consider the amount of exposure my DC have to it. It's more irritating to have to bathe them (to remove the smell from their hair) and to wash clothes and coats, etc., but I do this because I love my friend and consider her company worth it.

However, generally my friend comes to me because she likes the excuse to get out of her house. I might feel differently if we visited more 50/50 and it was more of an issue. However, I have once declined to go there when my DC had a chest infection purely because of the effects of passive smoking (even though she doesn't smoke when we're there) and been honest about it. We have a good friendship though and she understood completely without taking offence.

The thing is most smokers aren't stupid and they know the risks, but they have a vested interest in pushing them to the back of their minds and forgetting about them most of the time. I know this because I used to be one many years ago. If you bring this to a head, that knowledge is brought kicking and screaming to the forefront of their mind, you make them feel 'stupid' or 'bad' for smoking and human nature being what it is, they'll get defensive. You have to be prepared for the fact that this could well blow up in your face. You need to be very sure of what you're going to say and ask for, how you're going to say it and use every single ounce of tact that you possess. Even if you don't believe anything of the sort, pay deference to the fact that it is their house and you are aware that you are asking for a favour by getting them to stop smoking in their own home. Can you claim that the DC are borderline asthmatic or something? That might help, too.

If you don't say anything, nothing will change, so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't I'm afraid. But if they're your ILS I suggest you make your DH do it as they're less likely to maintain any long-term bad feeling against their own child.

Good luck.

I don't think yabu but I think if your pil are generally nice people and love the grandkids then you might just have to suck it up.

My oarents smoke in the house my my dad has always had a really bad attitude about not changing his habits just because people visit. But since ds was born he's changed lots, he goes into the other room to smoke and they open all the windows, But even so the smoke does still drift in and unfortunately everything just smells of fags anyway.

I think when you consider some people actually still smoke in the house in the same room as their children or in the car with their children, the amount of exposure you describe won't actually do any harm.

Although I wouldn't want ANY around a newborn baby.

My dad smokes and does so in his house. He always airs the room out before DS and I visit and when DS has stayed there in the past he has smoked in the garden instead. I've never asked him to do any of this, he just has.

However: He is not in terribly good health and his mobility is decreasing every month. Should it get to the point where he is pretty much housebound, having a fag and a glass of rum is going to be one of the few pleasures he has left. DS is devoted to his grandpa and visa versa. If it comes down to it I couldn't give a shiney shit whether or not the house smells of smoke; I'll continue to take DS round there in order to spend time with a very much loved and very elderly member of the family who will not be around as DS matures into adulthood.

So really, it depends on your options and how much you value the relationship that your PIL have with your children. If stopping taking them there means regular contact with them ceases completely then I'd say that YADBU. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say that in future you would prefer that they come to you, however, or ask them outright to stop totally during your visit. It's up to them, then, isn't it.

Feak- the problem is fil makes promises he doesn't keep. Each time a grandchild has been on the way (there are 6 in total) he has said he will now give up smoking. Then he doesn't. Fair enough, it's hard. The other week he said he was going to stop smoking in the lounge totally, this was unprompted, he just said it. About a day later they were back to smoking in the lounge.

Spraying air freshner may be seen as making an effort but surely by now everyone knows this doesn't get rid of smoke? They're not old or unintelligent, they're 60.

I can't stop them smoking in their lounge but the least they can do is open the window before we go down, why would this not cross their mind? I just don't understand it

And ask for lighting your fag whilst your 1 year old and 3 year old grad children are meters away, this is just awful. They can do as they please when we're not there but my dc didn't ask to smoke.

My dh has said to his dad 'we don't want you smoking near the dc, it's harmful to them'. He'a also said on occasion, 'it stinks of smoke in here, I'll have to open the windows'. Can't get much clearer that that tbh.

My mum smokes like a chimney so I do sympathise, she won't stop smoking.

I find it hard to understand why she can't do it for us and her grandchildren, but it's her choice as an adult.

I would rather she spends time with us and her grand kids and a bit of smoke I don't get worked up about.

Unless we were in her company 24/7 or stayed in the same house I think the risks are pretty low.

I also have a child with asthma and to be honest it's not affected him.

I think your dh behaviour is very passive aggressive. Going round to someones house and telling them it stinks.

Why not just ask your pil outright if they could air the house when you visit and smoke outside?

Instead of dropping hints.

I'm sorry but I just dot buy the whole 'your dc love them and they love them so let it slide'. It's not just a little bit harmful, it's very harmful. I don't get why people don't realise this with all the info we have now.

If they truly cared about their grandchildren they would make every effort to protect them, not just half an effort.

I have an Aunty who smokes, she lives quite far away but she never smokes in the house when her grandchildren are there or when our dc are there. She goes outside and closes the door. That is how it should be. Anything other is making other people smoke when they don't want to.

Also, I know a smokers house will smell of smoke regardless but there is a definite difference between a smoky smell and the air being full of fresh fag smoke that hits you in the face when you enter the house/lounge. My sense of smell is especially sensitive at the mo with me being pregnant and I can tell when they have just finished a fag as we arrive.

If I were to spell it out to them I would probably say something like. Please only smoke outside (with door closed) or upstairs when we are round with dc. Also, if we ring to say we are coming to visit then please open the windows to air the lounge. Really though, it's common sense, we shouldn't have to spell it out.

Lalaland - I see what you're saying about my dh's comments but he doesn't mean it that way. It's more that his dad can fly off the handle and therefore dh doesn't want to start a full scale argument/ discussion about it but wants to hint that the smoke is noticeable. As you can see from my last post he has said to him outright that he doesn't want him smoking round the dc and that is because it is harmful to them. Me being pg is another problem. I have to admit we've come a little way forward because he used to sit and smoke in the same room as me when I was pregnant with dc1 until we told him it made me feel sick and was harmful.

They are not going to change though, that's them, so what's your choice, accept it or don't visit.
Nothing I say to my mum makes a difference, it's not worth mentioning anymore as we just get annoyed with each other.
She loves us and loves her grandchildren she also happens to smoke.

S......you go around there every day after nursery? Stop going.

At th end of the day. Its their house. You have a choice, going round and dropping hints, insulting their house isn't working. If you don't want your kids exposed to it (understandably) tell them outright or don't go.