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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hope friend does not have a pain-free labour?

66 replies

Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:29

Me and friend in question have been friends since high school (15+yrs now). She was always the 'clever' one in the friendship. I didn't really bother my arse try very hard during A levels, preferred to go out with boyfriend etc. I am sure many others will know that the legacy of who you were at school lives on in these kind of friendships...
So, when I got a higher degree classification than she did - she didn't speak to me properly for months....now, tbh I consider my degree to be in a fair less academic subject than hers so I don't think there is any need to get het up about it. I'm giving that as an example, plenty of others.....
Anyway,I had DS1 just over a year ago. Had horrible labour followed by EMCS. All fine - had a healthy baby in my arms at the end of it so all is well.
Anyway, now my friend is a few weeks of expecting her first DC.
She is planning a hypnobirth with no pain relief at all. I know if she has a pain-free experience I will never hear the end of it - how I could have had a better time had i used the 'power of my mind' and 'let go of the fear' etc.
I know this makes me a horrible person but I just want her to feel what one awful contraction feels like...then she can have a wonderfully natural, pai-free, empowering experience after that!

I'm going to get a flaming aren't i?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:33

*pain-free

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltFromChocolate · 04/04/2012 14:33

Grin Yup, you are.

But she'll re-tell the story her own way anyway: even if she roars like a Wildebeest throughout, she'll tell everyone she orgasmed twice and sang soothing meditation chants to her uterus.

I'd find new friends tbh (she didn't speak to you after your graduation? Wow.)

lalaland3008 · 04/04/2012 14:33

I'm not sure why you two are friends?

claudedebussy · 04/04/2012 14:33

yes you'll prob get a flaming. but i see where you're coming from.

i had a friend like that for 30 years. i do not speak to her now.

Iggly · 04/04/2012 14:34

YABUyou can have a powerful experience with pain.

I think you need new friends.

Snowboarder · 04/04/2012 14:35

YANBU, but don't tell anyone I said so Grin

Original poster
Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:35

I feel like we are friends for history's sake.I am sure if we met now we wouldn't hit it off.
FWIW we live in different parts of the country now so don't see each other that frequently but can't really ditch the friendship when she's just about to have a baby.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 04/04/2012 14:37

Seems a bit mean to wish pain on someone but we all have a friend like that!

I think it is unlikely it will be pain free for her first. With my second birth I used some hypnobirthing techniques and they did seem to help but i was induced for both births and the contractions came thick and fast so not pain free!

elliejjtiny · 04/04/2012 14:38

You have my sympathies but whatever her birth is like she will either tell you it was wonderful, empowering and painfree or she'll say it was horrendous, she nearly died and nobody can possibly understand the trauma she went through.

ditch her now before she gives birth Grin

MsBrandybuck · 04/04/2012 14:38

Well, you won't get a flaming from me but I'm also wondering why you are still friends.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 04/04/2012 14:38

I used to know someone like this. I had an EMCS after a 2 day labour - DS ended up in SCBU. I was very raw and emotional after the birth. Ex-friend waltzes in and tells me if I had been 'more in touch with my body' I wouldn't have had to have a caesarian (DS nearly died). At this point she didn't have kids. I could never speak to her again. Fast forward a year and guess who had to have an emergency section (evil laugh) - sometimes the Fates are kind my dear...

FatherHankTree · 04/04/2012 14:39

Congratulate her when she has the baby, and then maybe slowly distance yourself. Be aware though that she'll probably have a baby that sleeps 20 hours a day, yet is able to play an instrument and speak fluent Mandarin at 6 months.

FunnysInLaJardin · 04/04/2012 14:39

YANBU. Some people need to learn what life is really like by bitter experience. An awful birth should remove any latent smugness Grin

And that is very mean of me, but I would feel just like you!

NiniLegsInTheAir · 04/04/2012 14:41

I had a friend exactly the same (except the ignoring after graduation bit, how rude!) and I wished the same on her I admit. Grin. When her baby was born at the beginning of January, she claimed she did have the perfect 'pain-free' birth. Her husband tells it differently!

YANBU, but you won't win. She'll claim she had the perfect birth no matter how it goes. If I were you I'd slowly back away after baby comes, she'll be too busy with the new arrival to notice anyway!

claudedebussy · 04/04/2012 14:41

i really wish people wouldn't be so competitive, esp with something like childbirth where you really don't have control over what happens.

a little more sensitivity would go a long way - btw this is not directed at you, op, but at your friend.

claudedebussy · 04/04/2012 14:42

i had a friend who, depending on what you were talking about, had done it worse / better / whatever than you. so tiring. life's not a bloody competition.

this smacks of:

insecurity.

Original poster
Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:43

I said "are you going to get a TENS machine, I found mine really useful?"

"oh no, i'm having a hypno-birth so won't be having any of that" Hmm

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 04/04/2012 14:43

you dont sound like you actually like each other much or wish each other well

Flightty · 04/04/2012 14:45

I think you're projecting how she will behave. When ever I have done this in a spirit of bitterness, it has been incorrect and I have felt like a proper knob.

I bet she has depths of niceness you have forgotten about. Give over on wishing her pain, and just try and level with her. Or give her a chance to level with you/

Birth is a very levelling experience. If she continues to treat you as second class then just stop being friends. But I bet she won't.

OhChristHasRisenFENTON · 04/04/2012 14:47

Yes you are being a bit unreasonable to wish pain on a friend...

But she is being a bit unreasonable to expect a pain free birth, bless her.

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 14:48

YABU to wish pain on her however i guess you just want it to be a little difficult for her , women with birthplans really believe them and women who have had babies know it can change , I watched OBEM us a few weeks ago and this woman had a natural birthplan , half way through her labour she was screaming for an epidural i was a bit smug watching it ,

tbh it sounds like the school rivalry has carried on till adult hood time for a new friend ,

porcamiseria · 04/04/2012 14:51

now is the best time to ditch her, she wont even notice

serously, if you feel this way...life is too short for a mate you do not like

start to not answer calls, tkme to grow apart I think

BalloonSlayer · 04/04/2012 14:52

Don't blame you.

Though if she does have a wonderful pain free birth you could say it's all down to you because you were praying for her not to have a birth like yours. Just a suggestion. ( Do say a prayer though, so it's not a lie!)

BebeAurelie · 04/04/2012 14:52

I had a similar acquaintance from work, she wasn't going to get into the 'unnecessary medical intervention' trap that so many women do, having unneeded c-sections yadda, yadda, yadda.
She was going to do it naturally, like women in Africa do apparently, because if they can do it so can she.

She ended up with a c-section.

But, of course, she isn't like all those other women that had a c-section, she had no choice.

Of course, I hadn't realised all those other women that had unplanned c-sections had skipped into the op theatre, choosing their emergency sections Hmm
Needles to say, I speak to her very rarely now Grin

KitCat26 · 04/04/2012 14:52

I sympathise with you but YABU.

I had a friend like this who went on and on about breathing the baby out and how it was just fear that caused the pain etc- before she had the baby. She then put pictures of the bruises on her husbands arms where she'd been squeezing him so hard during childbirth on fb. We never heard another word about pain free labour again Grin .

My own first experience was not particularly pleasant and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Perhaps even if your friend does have a wonderful labour - I've heard that it can happen Envy and she goes on about it just keep pointing out that the most important outcome is a healthy mother and baby.

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