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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hope friend does not have a pain-free labour?

66 replies

Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:29

Me and friend in question have been friends since high school (15+yrs now). She was always the 'clever' one in the friendship. I didn't really bother my arse try very hard during A levels, preferred to go out with boyfriend etc. I am sure many others will know that the legacy of who you were at school lives on in these kind of friendships...
So, when I got a higher degree classification than she did - she didn't speak to me properly for months....now, tbh I consider my degree to be in a fair less academic subject than hers so I don't think there is any need to get het up about it. I'm giving that as an example, plenty of others.....
Anyway,I had DS1 just over a year ago. Had horrible labour followed by EMCS. All fine - had a healthy baby in my arms at the end of it so all is well.
Anyway, now my friend is a few weeks of expecting her first DC.
She is planning a hypnobirth with no pain relief at all. I know if she has a pain-free experience I will never hear the end of it - how I could have had a better time had i used the 'power of my mind' and 'let go of the fear' etc.
I know this makes me a horrible person but I just want her to feel what one awful contraction feels like...then she can have a wonderfully natural, pai-free, empowering experience after that!

I'm going to get a flaming aren't i?!

OP posts:

GavisconJunkie · 04/04/2012 14:54

OP I really want to tut & say YABU but, I have a friend just like that. Similar thing in that I am her friend, I don't want to not be her friend, but I have no idea WHY I'm still her friend.

You have same birth story as me, she was due 3 months later & was going to breathe it out. I didn't wish an emcs on her, just some good old fashioned contractions. In the end she had the same as me, only worse, of course!

Since then her perfect angel doesn't cry, slept through from 4 weeks, weaned like a dream etc. Bollocks! Our DH are friendly, her son is a little shit who bites, even the cat! Still wakes up most nights (he's just 2) & will eat only yoghurt, chips & cheese! Don't let it get to you too much

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 14:54

oh dear @the women in africa women die in africa from childbirth thank goodness for the section EH which of course wasnt her choice like those other skipping women

BoFo · 04/04/2012 14:55

It's a bit harsh op imagine how you'd feel if anything really serious happened to her or her child. People always have grand plans before having children, god I know I did. These were quickly dashed when reality hit. You might find you have more in common now if you both have/are expecting children. If this isn't enough to bury the hatchet it's probably time for a acquantance cull.

Noqontrol · 04/04/2012 14:55

Lol, I'd probably feel like you op. mean? Probably! But completely understandable. I had a 'friend' like that, but after 20 years decided it wasn't doing either of us any good and decided to set myself free. Maybe you should do the same.

Calamityboo · 04/04/2012 14:56

Yanbu, I did the same, an old friend of mine who had no kids told me I was bu to moan about my 42 hour labour, when she got pg she was having a water birth with no pain relief (apparently if I can complain through 42 hours with just gas and air, surely she could manage a water birth, she does - and reminds me a lot - have a high pain threshold) 1 breech baby and cs later, the does not mention it now. I do agree with the others though, no matter how bad her labour gets, how many stitches she has she will only tell of when wonderful birthing experience and how she practically sneezed the baby out.

Original poster

Maccapaccawacca · 04/04/2012 14:57

I'm not wishing bad things on her - just as Gaviscon put it - some good old fashioned contractions

OP posts:

ChunkyPickle · 04/04/2012 14:59

I don't wish the pain on anyone (another multi-day labour with the works and C-Section here), but I see where you're coming from...

The real problem is, most births are fine, and until they started the the syntocin, I could hippy rainbow visualize my way through the contractions, so it could easily be that she's going to be insufferable, and not realise that every birth is different.. I'd refuse to engage her on the subject if I were you.

FashionEaster · 04/04/2012 15:00

I have a not close friend who is similar, with incredibly gifted children (tbf they are bright) except her experiences are always the most terrible any associated expert in the field has every seen. I've lost tally of the number of near death experiences she and her family have had but she tells a good tale.

BebeAurelie · 04/04/2012 15:00

MrsJay Yes, I was at the Africa thing too, in fact I think I left the room as I had response that I could come up with that would be suitable to say at work!!!

FashionEaster · 04/04/2012 15:01

Raise an eyebrow and tell her you're surprised she's not free-birthing

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 15:03

bebe i wouldnt have known what to say either , Its like that Birthing where women do it alone without midwives or any intervention just drop babies where they are like cave women according to a programme i watched about it Thankfully the baby and mum was ok but ...

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 15:03

THATS IT FREE BIRTHING , thank you fashion i couldnt remember what it was called ,

Kayano · 04/04/2012 15:10

Yes you are bu

I had a v vast hypno birth in the pool and although not pain free I tell everyone

Chances are you won't hear the end of it anyway lol

hackmum · 04/04/2012 15:12

Bebe: "She ended up with a c-section.

But, of course, she isn't like all those other women that had a c-section, she had no choice."

I've always had a grudge against Kate Winslett for this reason. During her first pregnancy, she went on radio and announced she was going to have a drug-free birth because that's how you were "supposed" to do it. After the baby was born she announced she'd had a normal birth.

A few years later she admitted she'd actually had a caesarean but hadn't liked to admit it because there was so much pressure on women to have normal births! The woman is unbelievable.

To make it worse after her second baby was born, she said she'd had an epidural, but "only" because she was so exhausted after a long labour. Yeah, like for the rest of us it was because were just lazy and feeble.

Loie159 · 04/04/2012 15:28

YANBU... we all thin things like this inside our heads at times! I have a family member like this - is v smug as a person and makes sweeping comments about what she will do when she has children / how tired she is an how i dont understand the stress of her job...... I have 2 DC, 15m apart and run my own business, so personally I think I do have a good undersntading of tiredness and stress!

Im ashamed to say that soemtimes when shes driven me mad for another occassions...... In my mind I hope she has twins and a 4 days labour...... . I dont want anything awful to happen to her obviously, but soemtimes the selfish part of me wants her to understand that her life is so much easier than many other peoples! So I secretly agree with you.

I wonder like others have said why you are still friends, maybe phase her out once baby has arrived.

BebeAurelie · 04/04/2012 15:29

Did Kate Winslet do that?

I bet the doctors and nurses that were in the op with her were sniggering when they read that!

Rollerbaby · 04/04/2012 15:40

No you are not BU. I think it's quite funny. Ds1 born using hippo techniques and managed labour well but still bloody hurt! She sounds like a right fool to think it will be pain free. I wasn't quite so hung up on au naturel last time and got my epidural!

Don't know why we women are so competitive about this stuff. I would drop her slowly if I were you

BagofHolly · 04/04/2012 15:43

Ah the "women in Africa" comments. I had to attend a conference on incontinence (glamourous!) and sat through a lecture on birth injuries and fistulae, on women in Africa with no access to obstetric medicine. I swear I nearly fainted and had to leave. My two make colleagues stayed and were visibly disturbed. These women's bodies were ruined, and their babies often dead. So so sad.

As for breathing the baby out one of my mum-friends tells the tale that she did this, water birth, aromatherapy etcetc. Her husband, off guard, said she screamed the place down, begged for epidual and was horrified when she pooed. I feel sad for her that she felt she had some kind if facade to live up to. And of course she has the perfect child now too. She's another one who deserves twins!

captainmummy · 04/04/2012 15:49

The 'women inafrica' - just squat down in a field. Yes but even if it goes well that is not the end of their problems....

My HV told me that labour pains are the result of Mary (as in mother-of-jesus)'s sins!

I had 3 CSes

NoteSpelling · 04/04/2012 15:49

I don't think there is such a thing as a pain free labour, is there?

I didn't have any pain relief for my youngest, but not because it wasn't painful.

DashingRedhead · 04/04/2012 15:51

YANBU. I think I'd feel just the same (long, exhausting non-labour and emcs when what I really wanted was a homebirth with DD and then DS went the wrong bloody way, back up instead of down, and I had ANOTHER emcs). Agree once you've congratulated her, just fade away. Had a 'friend' who once called me a bitch for beating her in an exam, needless to say, v little contact now...

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 16:04

labour is naturally painful i dont care what anybody says that bloody crowning is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life ever i thought i was going to be halved in 2 labour has to be painful so we know when its time , I hate how women feel they are expected to do it natural, women are embarassed that they had a section , i have come across women who have felt a failure because of a section . It isnt called labour for nothing and it bloody hurts , and tbh who gives a fig how baby gets out or if a woman was drugged up to the eyeballs , as long as baby gets out safe and well it doesn matter ,

sugarandspite · 04/04/2012 16:06

Rollerbaby hippo techniques sound awesome.

Does it involve mud and little birds standing on your back?

RobinSparkles · 04/04/2012 16:08

I can understand where you're coming from OP! It annoys the hell out of me when people think that they know it all and competitive birthing pisses me off! You have no idea of how it's going to go.

It also annoys me when women who have had a really easy labour pass comment on c sections and epidurals in a negative way. You see it on the OBEM threads on here - "oh why is she requesting an epi, she's only 5 CMs?" and "why is she screaming? Silly woman, it's not that bad!" you just DON'T know! Every labour and birth is different.

Your "friend" may well breathe the baby out, but she's deluding herself if she thinks it's going to be pain free.

I hate smug pregnant women who think that they're mother earth just because they happen to be having a baby! They're not the first and they definitely won't be the last!

Reminds me of that song on YouTube!

Mrsjay · 04/04/2012 16:10

robin i have a childless friend who comments on OBEM on facebook she says oh stop moaning i blah blah blah ,

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