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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 2 year gap between DCs 1 and 2 isn't all that odd or insane?

89 replies

FutureNannyOgg · 03/04/2012 11:58

I'm 20-something weeks pg with DS2, DS1 will be 2 a couple of weeks after my EDD.

My DM thinks I am nuts, and frequently refers to them as being "so close together" (my DB has DCs with 16 months between them which she moans about too, but she claims this is "almost as bad")

I also keep getting comments from people about how "soon" I am having DC2. Yesterday there were 2, including one woman in the street loudly exclaiming "Christ" then making a comment about me being pg, and another much less rude one having trouble with the idea that I was having 2 DCs 2 years apart.

I'm a teacher, I have taught lots of siblings that are 1 or 2 years apart, and a few families where 3 or more DCs have passed through my classes in the last 6 years. Is it really worth such a reaction? Am I actually crazy for deciding to have another?

OP posts:

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 03/04/2012 12:33

Perhaps she is worried about how you'll cope ?

I assumed that when my mother made similar comments about our age gaps between three DC one gap just under 2 years and one just over. It's worked out pretty well for us.

The gaps I find odd are the 9 month one between one of DD1 friends and younger sibling and 8 month gap of a mother in the local area who had two premature births. I just wonder how they coped in the early days and that they obviously felt better than I did after childbirth.

NagooBunnytail · 03/04/2012 12:33

I have chosen a larger gap my vagine needs recovery time and it works for us in terms of only one in nursery at a time (££££)

It does spread out the 'high-maintenance' childcare years though, so I can see the argument for a smaller gap.

In a year I will decide if we are going to go for DC3. I'm aiming for 3 year gap if we are lucky enough :)

Your mum just wants to have something to say. 2 years is definitely 'normal' :)

Astr0naut · 03/04/2012 12:45

Come and have a look at the baby and toddler survival thread - there are lots of us!

I did it because there's a 2 year gap between my sister and me. I work full time, but we're gonna have to pay teh same amount in nursery fees anyway over 5 years or so. Yes, it's gonna get a bit hairy for the 2 years they're there together, but hey.

And as for university, chances are they'll have to pay for bloody high school by the time they get there, so not even thinking that far ahead!

Babieseverywhere · 03/04/2012 12:46

Traditionally when the only realistic form of birth control was breastfeeding, children would be born every 2 years on average...assuming natural family planning alongside exclusive breastfeeding and no early child deaths.

When we do family tree research, this pattern is very easy to see in poorer families. Richer families don't follow this pattern having access to wet nurses and hence more children.

These days when we can control our own fertility, age gaps are increasing in general.

I am currently pregnant with DC4. We have 2 year gaps, between....

DC1 and DC2
DC2 and DC3
DC3 and DC4 (when he/she arrives in summer)

i.e. In summer we will have a 6yo, 4yo, 2yo and newborn !

OP, People like making comments, sometimes very idiotic ones !

I have had one mother on the playground really panicking on my behalf asking how will I cope with 4 kids as she struggles with 2 and what if they go in different directions

MooMa42o · 03/04/2012 12:54

valiumredhead are you my sister in law.... :)

We have an 11 month gap between our two & people think they have an entitlement to an opinion, I am always getting asked if they are twins & then comes the inevitable question what is the age gap, & then comes the mental "sex maths" people always have something to say about it, i was once told i have no virtues by an old biddy in the post office! Each to their own i say! :)

Letchladeee · 03/04/2012 12:55

Crusty, I wrote a really long reply on my iPhone and them the bloody page refused to load! Grrr.

The short answer is to say google the work of psychologists Dr Richard Woolfson and Dr Kevin Leman who both argue the point I was making.

Of course, the nature of the subject means that there is often lots of conflicting different research and differing opinions on how this should be interpreted!

lilbreeze · 03/04/2012 12:56

I have a 22 month age gap. I think it made things harder for the first few months, but now aged 2 and 4 it's definitely paid off and I've never once regretted it. In fact I've never actually thought of it as a small age gap as I know plenty of people with smaller.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 03/04/2012 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 03/04/2012 13:05

I have the opposite problem, my MIL keeps commenting about how big the age gap will be between DD and her to be conceived sibling.

DP and SiL are 16 months apart, and it looks like DD and DC2 will probably have 3.5 years between them.

vanimal · 03/04/2012 13:05

My DDs have a 21 month age gap, and it's the best thing I ever did, they get on like a house on fire most of the time.

My sister and I have 18 months between us, and have also grown up very close.

DC£ will be born when the DDs will have just turned 3 and 5, and I am more worried about how the three of them will get on, with the big age gap from the eldest to the youngest.

It is hard work to begin with, but within a year or two you'll definitely start seeing the benefits. Good luck with it, and ignore the crazy naysayers.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/04/2012 13:06

I have two lots of 2 year age gaps.

DC1 and DC2 were two years exactly (give or take a week).
DC 4 & 5 are two and bit years apart.

I had a 10 year gap between DC2 & DC3.

I dont think its a gap worth commenting on in a negative way. It did wipe me out the first time though

It depends on the children's personalities. My DC2 was a whirlwind. He was walking at 9 mths.

Having two in nappies, two who need a lot of help etc does tire you out.

Its do-able though.

I think the two year gap is very common because as your PFB starts looking less like a baby and more like a child you get all nostaligic for those baby days and wham - there you go

Doilooklikeatourist · 03/04/2012 13:08

I have just over 2 years between my 2 , which I thought was quite normal .
When they're small it's fine , and a big wide double pushchair is a brilliant invention !
It's only now , with one lot of GCSE exams behind us , AS exams this year for DS , as well as a couple of early GCSE for DD , that we realise exam stress is going to be with us for years !

Stokey · 03/04/2012 13:09

People do say strange things - I think 2 y is the norm. I will have 2.5 between my two and felt like I was leaving it a little late as quite a few people I knew had already had their second by the time I got pregnant.

Whatever works si fine and you can't always choose when you get pregnant!

crustyonion · 03/04/2012 13:10

Letch, I think my friend was simply reassuring me that it would be fine. I fretted a bit about it at the end of my pregnancy. Thankfully, for nothing! DS adored his sister from the minute they met. I can't explain why he was so insistent that the baby would be a girl though, but he got it right! The only problem I did encounter was he would poo in his pants every time I changed DD's nappy. He did this for a few days after DP had gone back to work. A bit of regression is normal though and it soon stopped, but I did hate those few days.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 03/04/2012 13:10

yy to the it being easier later one too.

DD and DS1 were easy to keep amused. I could take them to the same sort of activities and they were into the same sort of things.

I have found it harder with a teenager, primary (with SN) and toddler to cope with. Not many places you can go that suits them all.

JustHecate · 03/04/2012 13:11

Nah. There's 15 months between mine. It's not that hard.

When I brought my youngest home from the hospital, I was amazed how huge my eldest looked he'd looked like this tiny little thing, then next to the baby he looked massive

I did have to keep reminding myself that he too, was still a baby, and guard against expecting too much of him.

Anyway - they're your children, not your mums. So what's she moaning for?

Mamasunshine · 03/04/2012 13:11

No nOt at all, most of the mums I know have had on average a 2 yr gap. I on the other hand had 3 under 3, dc1 4, dc2 2.10 and dc3 1.3! But I love it!

Good luck and enjoy! Just ignore any comments, smile and carry on enjoying your dc! It is lovely when no 2 comes along and you get the sibling interaction

Mamasunshine · 03/04/2012 13:13

justhecate I had 15m gap between 1st 2dc, all I kept thinking was, god how big is ds1s head!?! It was normal sized but To me it seemed huge

redspottedfrog · 03/04/2012 13:17

2 years seems to be quite normal around here. I have 2yrs and 2 days between my two! My family and close friends were not surprised as I'd made no secret of the fact that I wanted my second (and my final!) baby fairly soon. But a rather surprising amount of people at work asked if it was planned ! They all asked very nicely whilst giving genuine congrats, but I did think they wouldn't have dreamed of asking that when I was pg the first time so why did they think it was ok to ask this time?!

I will say it's an, um, challenge right now (6mo and 2.5yrs) but I'm hoping we'll reap the rewards in a couple of years when they can amuse each other...

Babieseverywhere · 03/04/2012 13:17

When we do family tree research, this pattern is very easy to see in poorer families. Richer families don't follow this pattern having access to wet nurses and hence more children.

These days when we can control our own fertility, age gaps are increasing in general.

I am currently pregnant with DC4. We have 2 year gaps, between....

DC1 and DC2
DC2 and DC3
DC3 and DC4 (when he/she arrives in summer)

i.e. In summer we will have a 6yo, 4yo, 2yo and newborn !

OP, People like making comments, sometimes very idiotic ones !

I have had one mother on the playground really panicking on my behalf asking how will I cope with 4 kids as she struggles with 2 and what if they go in different directions

BonnieBumble · 03/04/2012 13:18

The majority of people have 2 year age gaps so I'm surprised your mil is even raising an eyebrow. I personally could not have coped with a 2 year age gap and in the early days I would leave friends houses after nearly having a nervous breakdown when they had two little ones. Thats just me though as I said most people tend to go for the two year gap.

StealthToddler · 03/04/2012 13:20

I have 17 months between ds1 and ds2 and then 23 months to ds3 - all close together (3 under 4) which made it absolutely manic but it has always been fun. my kids are close in age and close in terms of how nicely they play together - in fact the eldest two act a bit like twins as ds2 appears to think he is the same age as ds1.
ignore the negative comments - you would get negative comments if you had a really big age gap too!
just enjoy having little ones close together - I sometimes describe it as having my own little pack of children!

Morebiscuitsplease · 03/04/2012 13:24

It really is none of their business. You do what is right for you and your family. I have a larger gap, our choice but don' know of any others who have such a gap. So do not think you are unusual. Why do feel the need to comment... I find it rather rude.

dexterthecat · 03/04/2012 13:26

There are a lot of generalisations. A two year gap would be my idea of hell but it's all down to personal preferance. I wouldn't feel I able to give quality time to either child.

I have a four year gap (not entirely planned!!)and my two DSs have always got on brilliantly. DS1 is now 12 and the youngest 8 and they get on fine although their interests are now diversifying (initially DS2 would like something because DS1 did and it obviously the 'cool' thing to like). However DS2 is now showing a much more sporty side as he's got in with the sporty group at school and DS1 is following his more artistic interests.

There is a three year gap between me and my sister and we actively hated each other as we grew up. It's better as adults but I can still only take her in small doses!!! There is a 7 year old gap between me and brother however we are little more than strangers. We never really had much to do with each other although not in a negative way. We just have very little in common!

Having said that I would never comment on anyone's parenting choices. that's just rude!

Mrsjay · 03/04/2012 13:33

I have 5 years between mine well almost i knew i couldnt do the toddler and baby thing i wouldnt have the energy for it but tbh each to their own Having them close together can be hectic i work with some mums who have children very close together 1 familiy has 11 months , some families cope fine others struggle , my dds are not close in age but it doesnt mean they dont get on , and there is no way of knowing if siblings will get on regardless of how close in age they are ,

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