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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not go to this wedding?

104 replies

RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:31

DH's childhood friend is getting married in the summer. Couple have been engaged for about three years, and have been planning the wedding for ages, and have spoken to us about it in detail, including mentioning our DC.
Invitation arrives, turns out it's a child-free day. The elder of our DC is fine to be looked after by GP for the weekend of the wedding, but youngest DC is a baby and breastfed. We emailed the couple explaining this (although they obviously know about the whole baby/bf thing) and they fwd the email onto friend's FMIL. She, in turn, emails me and explains its strictly no children for the ceremony, and everyone they have invited with babies is either not attending or has arranged childcare. She says I am welcome to come to the reception with Baby, but not the ceremony.
Meanwhile, DH is asked to be an usher. He will be in the ceremony, and on the top table. I won't be on TT, because "of the baby".
So, i won't see Dh at all on the day, am being made to feel awkward because of the baby, and won't know anyone else there.
DH really wants me to go.
AIBU to just not go?

OP posts:
Hanleyhigh · 03/04/2012 11:33

YANBU. I wouldn't go in those circumstances.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 03/04/2012 11:34

This type of thread has cropped up zillions of times. The answers are: either get childcare, or don't go.

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 03/04/2012 11:35

YANBU, I probably wouldn't go either, won't be much fun for you stuck on your own with the baby all day while your DH does his official duties. The happy couple are entitled to a child free wedding if they want one but equally they have to realise that the world doesn't actually revolve around their wedding and people have other commitments such as children that don't just go away for the day because they're not convenient.

Lambzig · 03/04/2012 11:36

I think it depends on how much your DH needs your support (is he going to be surrounded by close friends or is dreading the whole thing - my DH hates that sort of thing?). As presumably you would travel with DH is there somewhere for you to go while the ceremony takes place? How far away is the wedding from your home?

It does sound like a pretty grim day for you.

I think they have already given you the get out clause by saying other people with babies aren't attending, so its really between you and DH.

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:37

Childcare isn't an option, she is EBF, won't take a bottle and it's an overnight affair. I'd have to be off expressing every 2 hrs if she wasn't there!

DH gets really upset when I suggest that Perhaps I shouldn't go, saying we have RSVPd yes (he did on both our behalfs...) and he doesn't want to go by himself. Big sigh.

OP posts:
LargeSkimMochaPlease · 03/04/2012 11:38

Do you think that by the summer you might not be b'feeding, or perhaps the baby will be older and more likely to take expressed milk and you could then leave him or her with the GP?

You might really enjoy a day out and a break - am sure that DH will not be performing official duties all the time and will be able to spend some time with you.

I went to a wedding once where they had their own 1 year old (also breastfed). She kicked off during the ceremony and was ushered out so that her screams didn't disrupt the vows. Another friend's (uninvited) child started to cry and she didn't take him out. It was awful. They are possibly right to be guarding against noise during the solemn bit. The party - well - I say go, but leave the babe at home. You really will enjoy it more!

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:40

It's about 350miles from home, and we had planned to stay on site, but have been told the hotel isn't child friendly, so we will have to find elsewhere to stay. No idea how I would get to/from the wedding as I don't drive, and DH will be going on ahead (obvs).
He hates this sort of thing , and will be surrounded by Friend's uni/work mates, who he doesn't know :/

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/04/2012 11:41

If dh and I were in that position, neither of us would go. I'm all for child free weddings, but to exclude babies is just inconsiderate. Especially when they want your dh to be an usher.

If dh insists on going, I would stay at the hotel during the ceremony, or just wait outside somewhere nearby. Then dh will have to leave the wedding to come and pick you up.

Are the partners of the other ushers going to be at the TT? If you are the only one being excluded, you should definatly not go and neither should dh, but if all the partners are on another table, I wouldn't make a big deal out of that.

diddl · 03/04/2012 11:41

Is the ceremony in a place where they can stop you going in, then?

LargeSkimMochaPlease · 03/04/2012 11:41

X-posted with OP - perhaps the GPs could stay somewhere nearby.

Or you could pump and dump - I'm sure in a couple of months your supply will settle and it won't be so frequent. It would be better for you to work on getting her to take a bottle anyway, so that you could have some other time out, whatever you decide about the wedding.

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:42

Largeskimmocha, totally not an option to leave the baby, it's a whole weekend thing :/ if she was over a year, I would, but jesus H, the amount of expressing i'd have to do in prep makes my eyes water just thinking about it :/

OP posts:
FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 03/04/2012 11:43

Tbh, if we were in this situation, I don't think either of us would go.

diddl · 03/04/2012 11:43

Well if husband won´t go alone, perhaps it would be better if he cancels on behalf of both of you.

YonWhaleFish · 03/04/2012 11:43

I think people who won't allow breastfeeding mamas to bring their very young children to weddings and accommodate their needs are twats.

I feel VERY strongly about this as the same was done to my SIL by one of her BFFs!

I wouldn't go, especially given all the hotel and general day crappiness you'd have to endure.

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:44

Outraged; all the partners of the ushers, best men, bridesmaids etc are on TT, otherwise I agree, I wouldn't make a huge fuss.

OP posts:
pictish · 03/04/2012 11:45

I think he should just go on his own. Problem solved.

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:45

Yonwhale, I feel the same way!!!

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 03/04/2012 11:45

I wouldn't go and my DH would almst certainly decline the usher request in those circumstances or at least make it clear that he could not sit at the top table (which I think are naff anyway) if there was any possibility of me being able to make it to the reception.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 03/04/2012 11:47

just dont go. I wouldnt.

ChaoticAngel · 03/04/2012 11:47

From what you've said I don't think I'd go. They have the right to a child free wedding and it doesn't sound like they're going to go couplezilla on you if you don't. With the travel, expense of accommodation and not being able to see the wedding I'd decline and perhaps arrange to meet another time.

Wrt the rsvp, remind your DH that he might like to discuss it with you in future instead of replying on your behalf.

diddl · 03/04/2012 11:48

As an usher, does he really need to be on the top table?

I´m sure one of our ushers didn´t so that he could sit with his wife & bfed baby!

SarahBumBarer · 03/04/2012 11:48

Sorry x-posted. How "child-freindly" does a hotel need to be? All it needs is space for a travel cot. Sounds like they are deliberately trying to put you off in which case I would not go and and I am certain DH would not go either. He is a l"ove me love my child" (and wife) kind of guy.

FutureNannyOgg · 03/04/2012 11:49

Personally, I would not go. It seems like a lot of compromises on your part for the sake of you DH doing his friends a favour. You can't go to the ceremony (which is kind of the whole point), you can't sit with your DH, you can't stay in the hotel, you'd have to go away to pump bm so you could be comfortable (assuming you actually can pump, not everyone can successfully).

It is no one's choice but yours to decide when your baby is ready to be left with a babysitter (let alone overnight, and would you really fork out for GPs accommodation locally?) or whether to give a bottle (lots of EBF babies are never given bottles, it's not a requirement).

Panamama · 03/04/2012 11:49

YANBU. You'd have to travel hundreds of miles (baby in tow) to stay at a hotel somewhere else just to show up to the reception and not even be seated with your DH...at an event you don't even want to attend. My idea of hell. Don't put yourself through it.

I get that your DH really wants you to go but it sounds like it will be more rubbish for you if you went then it would be for him to go alone.

IAmBooyhoo · 03/04/2012 11:50

well it isn't true that you wont see your DH the whole day is it? the only times you wont be able to be physically next to him is during the ceremony, whilst photos are being taken and during the actual eating of the meal. all other times apart from those your DH will be able to be with you.

but aside from that, if it says no babies then you have to either go without baby, (which you can't do) or not go.