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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to not go to this wedding?

104 replies

RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:31

DH's childhood friend is getting married in the summer. Couple have been engaged for about three years, and have been planning the wedding for ages, and have spoken to us about it in detail, including mentioning our DC.
Invitation arrives, turns out it's a child-free day. The elder of our DC is fine to be looked after by GP for the weekend of the wedding, but youngest DC is a baby and breastfed. We emailed the couple explaining this (although they obviously know about the whole baby/bf thing) and they fwd the email onto friend's FMIL. She, in turn, emails me and explains its strictly no children for the ceremony, and everyone they have invited with babies is either not attending or has arranged childcare. She says I am welcome to come to the reception with Baby, but not the ceremony.
Meanwhile, DH is asked to be an usher. He will be in the ceremony, and on the top table. I won't be on TT, because "of the baby".
So, i won't see Dh at all on the day, am being made to feel awkward because of the baby, and won't know anyone else there.
DH really wants me to go.
AIBU to just not go?

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/04/2012 11:50

If all the other partners are on the TT and you are being snubbed because of the baby, I actually think your dh is out of order to not have cancelled. I would be raging with my dh if he allowed me to be treated like that.

diddl · 03/04/2012 11:51

It does rather sound like too much effort.

I think husband or noone!

KD0706 · 03/04/2012 11:53

OP I wouldn't go either. If your DH feels really uncomfortable then he has the choice of putting on a brave face or just not going either.

I wouldn't even consider leaving an ebf baby for a weekend.

chaddychick · 03/04/2012 11:56

YABU - it is a child free wedding, either get child care or don't go! Also, I doubt your DH would be on the TT if he is only an usher, it is usually Best Man/Chief Bridesmaid and Parents

MrsCarriePooter · 03/04/2012 11:57

(In passing - how massive are some people's top tables that they have the ushers on there as well?)

Anyway - can't he just say no, I don't want to be on the top table, I want to sit with my wife and child? If it was just not going to the ceremony and then he was sat with me, I'd still go - but sounds like the hotel isn't ideal either.

doctordwt · 03/04/2012 11:58

Don't go.

toomuchlaundry · 03/04/2012 11:58

we didn't have a top table at our wedding so not sure of the etiquette, but I didn't realise that ushers sat on the top table, and certainly not partners of ushers, bridesmaids etc. For weddings I have been to partners of bridesmaids etc had to sit on a separate table. Must be a very big top table Grin

Is it possible to ask whether your dh could sit with you at the reception rather than on the top table. Although obviously that may completely wreck their seating plan.

Have to say if the wedding is 350 miles away, seems along way to go with young baby, especially when the only people you know are the bride and groom. It sounds a big do so you probably would not get much chance of chatting with them after the ceremony, and as you are unable to watch the ceremony, I wouldn't bother going. Then your dh has to decide whether he goes on his own. If he doesn't really do weddings maybe its best that he declines the usher role.

choceyes · 03/04/2012 11:59

hmmm...YANBU I think. I can see why they would not want a baby crying interrupting their vows though. Can you not just go to the reception and not attend the ceramony? Is there anywhere you could wait?

Although if all the other partners are at the TT and you aren't just because o your baby then you really YANBU at all. I would refuse to go in those cirumstances.

The OP shouldn't have to express if she doesn't want to, it's really is not as easy as saying just express...some woman find it very difficult to express for a whole day away.

I had a smiliar situation when my DH was best man for his bestfriend. We had an 18 month old and I was 6 months pregnant. It wasn't a child free wedding but, I didn't feel it was appropriate to have my 18 month old trying to run around the church/making noise during the ceramony (2yrs even yes they might sit down with a snack, but at 18 months old they just want to explore and run around ), so I had to wait in the foyer of the church with my DS. And at the reception my DS was at the TT and I was at a table with nobody I knew and 2 small twins my DSs age. to be fair, no other partners of the wedding party were at the TT. I missed my DH's speech and all the other speeches and was late to the reception as I had to sort out my DS (can't remember why exactly, maybe changing his clothes and giving him dinner I think), and when I wanted help from DH (i was exhausted from standing around all day trying to control an 18 month old whilst PG), he had to stand in line with all the other wedding party to greet all the guests into the reception venue.
So I wasnt' very happy. Was quite a miserable day really, when it should have been a happy occassion as the couple were good friends of mine too.

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 12:00

Chaddy, he is on TT, I asked and FMIL confirmed. We asked if DH could sit with me, on a regular table, she said the couple wanted the involved wedding party on the TT. Hmph.

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/04/2012 12:00

I'm another one who's all for childfree weddings, but in these circumstances I wouldn't go and I don't think your dh should either (unless he's desperate to). They're being horribly inflexible and excluding you from the top table because you have a baby is nasty.

Write a nice letter explaining that given the circumstances you are unable to attend. They'll get over it.

Kitchentiles · 03/04/2012 12:08

I think you should remind your DH that children involve compromise, sacrifice and not being able to do what we always want to do and he should put on his big boy pants and go on his own. He's a grown man!

Proudnscary · 03/04/2012 12:09

Wow there is a never ending stream of these threads.

It is the couple's choice.

It is rude of you to challenge their choice, however much you feel it is wrong.

You shoud have worked out with your dh whether to get childcare or not to go.

We have been to many childfree weddings (have two coming up this summer) and we have bloody enjoyed them!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2012 12:09

"DH gets really upset when I suggest that Perhaps I shouldn't go, saying we have RSVPd yes (he did on both our behalfs...) and he doesn't want to go by himself. Big sigh."
So really, the problem is not the 'not attending', but your DH's reaction to it Because let's face it, you'd only be going now to make DH happy, no other reason; FMIL's inflexibility and unreasonableness has made the decision easy, hasn't it? (And the whole forwarding your email to the FMIL - what an abdication of responsibility towards your friends and guests! What are they, twelve years old?)

I think you just have to point out to him EXACTLY what kind of a time you'd be having if you went with the baby, segregated off from him (unlike the other usher's OHs) and that this makes it clear to you that FMIL (and since they are being cowardly in hiding behind her, DH's friend and fiancee) doesn't want you and the baby there. ANd you'd be out a fortune to be treated like a pariah - fuch that for a game of soldiers!

FFS he's an usher not the best man! Tell him to grow some balls.

Proudnscary · 03/04/2012 12:10

I wouldn't stop my dh going, jeez! How precious.

pictish · 03/04/2012 12:11

God weddings are ghastly.

They come up time and time again as a source of unreasonableness, ostentatiousness, petty squabbling and hurt feelings. I honestly do not know what gets into some people when they organise these affairs!

If a wedding is child free, then fine - you accept that some people will not attend, owing to childcare.

OP - your dh is being very selfy. He must accept it's a raw deal for you and not an appealing prospect. If he wants to attend, then he should, but he shouldn't insist you go along. If he cannot face it without back up from you, then I would say that's his issue, and nothing you are responsible for. You shouldn't have to go, just so he can...iyswim? It's his friend's do!

I think the decision of whether to go or not lies with him tbh. You can rightfully bow out I think.

DinahMoHum · 03/04/2012 12:12

he'll either have to go on his own, or neither of you go

DumSpiroSpero · 03/04/2012 12:13

If they want a child free wedding it's their prerogative but to expect your husband to be an usher & you to attend given the circumstances they have chosen is taking the piss.

If you and your DH are ok with him going on his own, fair enough, but they are being totally unreasonable to expect you to go along under the circumstances.

Ephiny · 03/04/2012 12:18

YANBU, I think it would make most sense if you politely decline and stay at home with the baby, especially as the couple are your DHs friends, rather than yours. Clearly they don't want the baby there, and it doesn't sound like it would be very enjoyable for you anyway.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2012 12:20

DumSpiroSpero, I don't think they do expect the OP to attend, the obstacles they've put in place (no ceremony attendance, segregated from TT, picking a child-unfriendly hotel) are pretty much screaming "keep away! keep away!" to me. And it's pretty shit of the 'happy couple' to hide behind the FMIL on this.

But the main shittiness is from OP's DH. Bleating that he doesn't want to attend alone, and that he (presumably) doesn't want to look like a dick for rescinding his RSVP (note: his, not theirs), so expecting OP to suck up a crap and expensive day/evening instead. If he want to attend, he can, OP isn't stopping him; but ti pressure her to do so too is crap behaviour.

Inertia · 03/04/2012 12:22

Sounds as though it would be horrendous for you and your baby in the circumstances.

It's up to your DH whether or not he goes without you- his call. But it's not fair of him to expect you and the baby to go just to keep him company.

If it were us , neither of us would go- I'd respond and say that you originally accepted on the understanding that children were welcome, but you will now have to regretfully decline as you cannot leave a breastfed baby with anyone else.

DH either goes or doesn't go, but doesn't get to whinge about it until he can personally sort the issue of lactation.

marshmallowpies · 03/04/2012 12:23

Definitely feel you being excluded from the top table sends a bad message - OK, perhaps they don't want a baby crying during the speeches, but presumably any sane person would take a baby out if it started making a noise during the speeches, do they think you'd sit there and let it scream and pretend nothing is wrong?

I think your DH should ask if he can be excused from the top table so you're not sitting alone (will you know other people on the table you're sitting on?) - very unfair to have him sat there and not you.

I recently sat at a table with friends who have a 3 month old and are EBFing - the baby was beautifully behaved during the ceremony and dinner, he started making a few squawks during the speeches but they had a bottle all ready and popped it in his mouth to keep him quiet whenever he made a noise!

Also if they have been planning a wedding for years and never mentioned it would be child-free - gah, what do they expect? People will just magically make their children disappear? It is v different if they make the situation clear up front and don't try to be evasive or awkward about it, but in this case seems very unfair to you.

Kayzr · 03/04/2012 12:25

I think you should stay at home and your DH should go alone.

girlywhirly · 03/04/2012 12:29

For all the reasons you have stated, OP, I would not attend this wedding either. I would also be annoyed with my DH if he had RSVP'D on my behalf. His choice now is whether he attends alone or not at all. I would make sure that the Brides' family know what is happening as soon as poss, and if you wish say that under the circumstances you are prioritising the needs of your young DC.

A wedding invitation is just that, you are fully entitled not to attend if you don't wish to. Treat yourself to something nice out of the money you'll save by not going!

Original poster
RubyWho · 03/04/2012 12:29

Have just spent a lovely morning with my DC, and that compounded with everyone's very helpful replies have made me think "sod this wedding for a game of soldiers...".
I emailed the couple and FMIL and said I would not be attending. FMIl replied almost immediately saying "it'll look odd if DH goes without you..."
Replied saying she should ask him if he was going or not but that I would be staying with my children, tyvm.

Weddings; why do they send people batshit insane???

OP posts:
sherbetpips · 03/04/2012 12:34

YABU - all they have asked is that you dont have a baby at the ceremony - you are okay to have baby at the reception so what is the problem? skip the ceremony and relax at the hotel with the baby whilst you wait for them. It is their day not yours, and your husband would like you to be there, so suck it up and get on with it.