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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to not go to this wedding?

104 replies

RubyWho · 03/04/2012 11:31

DH's childhood friend is getting married in the summer. Couple have been engaged for about three years, and have been planning the wedding for ages, and have spoken to us about it in detail, including mentioning our DC.
Invitation arrives, turns out it's a child-free day. The elder of our DC is fine to be looked after by GP for the weekend of the wedding, but youngest DC is a baby and breastfed. We emailed the couple explaining this (although they obviously know about the whole baby/bf thing) and they fwd the email onto friend's FMIL. She, in turn, emails me and explains its strictly no children for the ceremony, and everyone they have invited with babies is either not attending or has arranged childcare. She says I am welcome to come to the reception with Baby, but not the ceremony.
Meanwhile, DH is asked to be an usher. He will be in the ceremony, and on the top table. I won't be on TT, because "of the baby".
So, i won't see Dh at all on the day, am being made to feel awkward because of the baby, and won't know anyone else there.
DH really wants me to go.
AIBU to just not go?

OP posts:

Wormshuffler · 03/04/2012 14:37

Way more trouble than its worth OP. Even if you could take the baby if she will still be feeding so regularly it would be no fun at all. I am currently trying to work out how I can have a day at a spa away from my ebf baby. if I can get her to start taking a bottle I will have to leave everyone every 2 hours too, to express and dump. Seems like to much hassle at the moment.

LydiaWickham · 03/04/2012 14:44

e-mail back FMIL and say;

"Oh, dont worry about it looking off that DH is there on his own, he'll just make sure he explains to everyone that as it's a childfree wedding and I'm breastfeeding I can't go (as obviously I can't leave DC with grandparents as I can't very well leave my boobs behind!).

I'm sure everyone will understand that, and would be rather 'bridezilla' of your daughter to expect someone to give up breastfeeding early just so they could attend her 'big day' - which isn't like her at all, so as she knows I'm breastfeeding, I'm sure she expects that by making it a child-free wedding that means I can't come.

I'm sure it'll be a lovely day and next time we see [bride and groom] I look forward to hearing all about it."

DeepThought · 03/04/2012 14:45

Is it a church ceremony? Because anyone may attend a church wedding

LydiaWickham · 03/04/2012 14:47

However, there is another alternative, if the wedding is at a hotel, which your DH will be staying in anyway, can you hire a nanny for the day to be at the hotel, having your DC in a room there? You can then pop up every couple of hours to feed, bring your DC down for the drinks reception/early evening if you want.

lopopo · 03/04/2012 14:49

Sorry I haven't read all of the posts.

I definitely would not WANT to go. And I'm sorry (please don't flame me) but I don't get child free weddings. When I got married (childless) we had a creche for our friends and their offspring so everyone could enjoy themselves. But yes - I know it's up to the individual what they want to do...

However I would probably go to the reception with baby if it meant a lot to my other half and solely for that reason. You are entitled to leave as soon as you can after explaining to everyone why you couldn't come to the earlier ceremony. And try and get him to put you and baby in nice hotel a mere stone's throw / short cab ride from the reception and have a nice relaxing time before the event.

I'd say he can sort the gift too..

LydiaWickham · 03/04/2012 14:53

oh and re the hotel not being 'child friendly' - have you called the hotel and asked??? I've stayed in hotels are aren't sold as 'family hotels' with DS (always for weddings) and they have been able to find a cot and a high chair, ok, so not got 'kiddie menus' and lots of 'family' activities, but assuming you're arriving the day of the wedding, staying one night then going home, how childfriendly do you need it to be?

maybenow · 03/04/2012 14:57

imo yanbu to not go if you don't want to go, but if it were me i'd check out the reception hotel first - if it's nice i'd go and stay with the smaller baby and chill out all morning and have a nice time myself then go down to the reception and mix with the table i've been put at... but then i quite like chatting to strangers at weddings.
i don't think a baby needs a hotel to be 'family friendly' - generally this just means not suitable for toddlers or running around kids.

Eglu · 03/04/2012 14:57

YANBU not to go. Your DH is being silly about it if he doesn't want to go without you.

They are totally treating you as a second class guest by seating you away from your DH. I hate weddings that are all about how it looks. Quite sad.

maybenow · 03/04/2012 14:58

oh, and if you don't go, your dh will just have to be a big boy and nobody else will think it will 'look weird' - it will just look like you're at home with a small baby

ChaoticAngel · 03/04/2012 15:01

I don't know about the OP but I wouldn't want to waste money on a nanny when it's been made clear that my presence isn't that important anyway.

girlywhirly · 03/04/2012 15:15

The 350 mile journey to this wedding with a small baby is bad enough, whatever the hotel/wedding would be like. And to not feel welcome when you're there, why bother?

I think the OP's plan to stay at home and enjoy the day with her DC is best all round.

vigglewiggle · 03/04/2012 15:24

I would still have discussed it with my DH first though. Not to ask permission, but to come to an agreement as adults responsible for 2 children. Rather like he should have done before RSVPing on your behalf.

Yama · 03/04/2012 15:35

YANBU at all Ruby.

I reckon my dh wouldn't go if I were being treated so shoddily.

I remember my big brother being quite hurt that most of his friends' partners stayed at home with their uninvited children. I tried to explain it to him. He'll understand when he has children I suppose.

CountryMouse27 · 03/04/2012 15:44

I suppose at the end of the day every couple knows what they are doing when it comes to the question of children at a wedding. They know the score and they know people will be cross (or thrilled?). They wont change their minds now.

I'd be a bit at DH for going though but thats just me.

Longdistance · 03/04/2012 15:56

My wedding was child free. It was a major piss up with the rugby crowd. Rowdy, and messy, but fun. I don't like being drunk in front of children, so I didn't invite any. Although, my wedding was local.
But, YANBU, as I'd not attend either if it was child free in the 1st place. And just let dh go. I wouldn'tcontact them, and ur dh shouldn't have replied that u were going, so HE needs 2 sort it out really.

notaniphoneownerjustabadtypist · 03/04/2012 16:44

Naaah sod it for a game of soldiers. Not worth a 350 mile trip. Don't go.

pigletmania · 03/04/2012 17:24

I would not go. Your dh will just have to goon his own

ENormaSnob · 03/04/2012 19:07

I wouldn't go.

Doubt dh would either tbh.

Vickles · 03/04/2012 19:25

YANBU.... As you said, you've been made to feel excluded and been made to feel awkward! And this whole tooing and throwing with the FMIL... ridiculous!

We are in a similar position... family wedding, 150 miles away, all family are going... we have 3 kids, who are not invited.. although other kids have been invited (don't even get me started on that one!)

So, I feel your wrath!

It is your friend's right to choose what type of wedding they have.. it is their day after all... BUT, they need to be prepared for people with kids to decline.

SoozyWoozy · 03/04/2012 19:32

I wouldn't want to go.

But... my best friend was in the same situation - her DH in the wedding party, she was breastfeeding and it was an overnight do in a hotel.

Her parents are super supportive and went with them. They looked after the children while my friend and her DH attended the wedding and she popped out as needed to feed.

I thought at the time it was an awful lot of effort but her parents saw it as the opportunity to have a weekend away and help out too.

Do you have anyone that could come too?

victorialucas · 03/04/2012 19:40

So DH isn't at all bothered about being away from his 2 young DCs for a weekend? Dad of the year isn't he? Did he even want them because he doesn't seem to want a family life.

SauvignonBlanche · 03/04/2012 19:41

I wouldn't go.

DizzyKipper · 03/04/2012 19:45

If DH hates this kind of thing why don't you both give it a miss? Point out that you'd RSVPd yes only before you realised your baby wouldn't be able to come - and since coming without the LO isn't feasible you then can't go. Only got themselves to blame really.

Coconutty · 03/04/2012 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/04/2012 19:47

Don't be ridiculous, victoria. One weekend away to attend an old friend's wedding hardly makes him some kind of deadbeat dad.

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