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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to move without visiting first

61 replies

slowestwildebeast · 01/04/2012 16:44

I'm thinking of moving countries/halfway across the world to be with my dp, I have told people this and most ask how I liked the country when I visited. When I tell them I've never visited I get Hmm face. I don't see the problem but most people think I've lost my mind to just uproot and go without even a visit. AIBU to just go and say sod it?

OP posts:
alistron1 · 01/04/2012 16:46

Life's too short - if you have no DC's to consider then do it. However if you do have DC's then prep. work is probably needed.

4paws · 01/04/2012 16:48

Are you planning on a permanent move? Is there much difference in culture/lifestyle?

Visiting a place doesn't really tell you what it is like to live there, lots you don't find out until you're actually living in a country and dealing with the day to day reality.

You could try it, but please please make sure you have an exit plan if it all goes pear shaped

Original poster
slowestwildebeast · 01/04/2012 16:48

no children, want to have them over there. Visiting for a holiday won't show me what it's like to live there. I'm sure it'll be fine. My mother thinks I'm ridiculous.

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 01/04/2012 16:52

How long have you been with your dp

Tranquilidade · 01/04/2012 16:58

I went to the other side of the world to be with DH (he was still DP then) but I went initially on a return ticket. Can't remember how it worked, you didn't have a date to travel back, you booked it anytime within a certain time limit or something. That gave me a bit of a safety net if I hated it. I can't remember now if I got some money back when I stayed or not.

DH was only working out there for 2 or 3 years though so I knew we'd be back before too long anyway.

BTW we got married while working out there and have now been married almost 30 years.

dottygirl1 · 01/04/2012 17:02

Yep moved last year. In fairness it was only from Ireland to England but had never seen this neck of the woods. I would look up houses on line and get my DH to view them as he was already commuting.

The day I arrived with DC was the first time I had been here.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/04/2012 17:11

True, a holiday is different from staying, but it can still give you an overview of climate, diet, water safety, standards of plumbing, attitude to foreigners (you will be one), transport, road safety standards, etc. You can read the local papers to see what jobs are being advertised, note the hours banks are open, establish what level of fluency in the language you have and what you will need, and just generally gauge whether you will fit in or not.

I am a cautious type, and would not give up my job/home/support network etc. without arranging their replacements, IYSWIM. "I'm sure it'll be fine" is not generally my way of working.

mummytime · 01/04/2012 17:12

People used to do this, with whole families and little/no chance of coming back. You will be fine, just make sure if it's awful you can return.

TubbyDuffs · 01/04/2012 17:13

I moved without visiting, and 4 years on I'm fine!

BillyBollyBandy · 01/04/2012 17:14

How well do you know DP? If this will be the first time you have spent a significant amount of time together then I would def visit first to see how we get along.

Is there a language barrier? And will you be able ot find work where you are going?

Original poster
slowestwildebeast · 01/04/2012 17:15

It's the same as here just 30 degrees hotter :) no issues with language or water sanitation. I'm a nurse so I'll be fine for work. We've been together a year, it's not long I suppose. My dad thinks it's a great idea, my mother thinks I'll never see her again, other people just can't get their head around it.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/04/2012 17:15

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt. I'd need to know a lot about the country before committing myself to that kind of move. I suppose it's easier if it's somewhere with a similar culture, and they speak the same language (New Zealand say) than if you are thinking of moving to Tunisia or Peru or Siberia.

toutpuissant · 01/04/2012 17:16

When I was 10 my whole family moved to Canada. Stepping off the plane on moving day was the first time any of us had ever been here! Now I have a 10 yr old DC myself I can't believe my parents were so foolish brave!

With no DCs to worry about I'd be off, return ticket in hand JIC.

Original poster
slowestwildebeast · 01/04/2012 17:16

we've spent the past year in each others company so I don't see any problem with us getting sick of each other.

OP posts:
Auntiestablishment · 01/04/2012 17:19

Why not? If you don't like it you can always come back.

McHappyPants2012 · 01/04/2012 17:24

A year is a long time some people meet and have a baby within a year.

As long as you can get back home then I don't see the problem.

vegetariandumpling · 01/04/2012 17:27

I did it, although I knew it was only one year and that my parents would help me get back if I was desperately unhappy. I think if I'd have gone on holiday there first I'd never have moved there, but I loved it.

What you have to remember is most people don't think about moving abroad and don't understand others that do/might want to. So expect lots of Hmm faces whether you go for a holiday first or not. Make sure you can get home in an emergency, and make friends other that your DP asap.

BackforGood · 01/04/2012 17:27

Also depends to some extent wht you are giving up - job ? career ? home ? and how easily you could pick them up if you decided you didn't like it.

gabsid · 01/04/2012 17:28

You don't give lots of information. Which country is it? Is the language/culture/lifestyle very different? Have you discussed all that with DP?

I once went out with someone working in Singapore and considered joining him there but after I had visited I thought there is no way I could live there. Is it anywhere else in Asia or South America? Would have loved to live in Sydney though, but Northern Territory in Australia - no way!

It may be good to visit, depends on where you are going. But as someone already said - be sure to have an exit plan!

gabsid · 01/04/2012 17:30

Besides, I have moved abroad and I am happy here in the UK with DP and 2 DC - my home country has a better standard of living though.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2012 17:32

Is this an online relationship? Which nationality is the DP - British or the other country? Have you physically spent a lot of time together or has it been online/phone etc?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 17:33

My parents did this with us when I was young - none of us had been there, we just upped and went :) You don't even have children to worry about - just DO IT!! Life is too short to not live it to the full :)

Original poster
slowestwildebeast · 01/04/2012 17:37

sorry not much info, no not online, he is from the country and lives here now but wants to move home. I'm not leaving a job or much here and really want to sit in the sun for while :) I can't afford to visit tbh. Exit plan will be taken into account.

OP posts:
BillyBollyBandy · 01/04/2012 17:44

In that case go for it! With no dc's I would have

Heswall · 01/04/2012 17:47

I agree with the other poster. We are thinking about moving to the other end of the country and people have said to us in absolute horror "what about the DC's friends/school/dog they like to say hello to who lives around the corner"
What about them ?
Friends and family will still be there when you get back and if they aren't then they weren't that important in the first place.