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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Well I know I am really but .......

66 replies

Sudaname · 01/04/2012 13:27

here it is anyway ! Grin

My DH and I have a couple of good friends. They came to our wedding etc - only a handful of guests and we went to theirs (a big affair) so we are what you would call close friends. DH has known them both since school and through family friends respectively so long history with both from before they got together. I only met them through DH about 6 years ago.

< disclaimer - this is not a wedding thread !! >

The woman is a real social and career ladder climber/ very go getting and materialistic but a very good person and generally a very good egg - works in the medical profession. Her DH is more like my DH really - both in building trade and very down to earth. My DH (affectionately and in fun) calls friends DW 'council estate made good' or 'a snob' on occasion when she is being a pain about some miniscule detail in her latest 'project' on their already fantastic house for example.

So whats been happening of late is this - and I'm buggered if I can work out why it is annoying me so much.

DH and I have no plans for the evening except for watching something on TV, maybe a bottle of wine, curl up on settee etc. DHs phone rings - its this best mate asking him 'fancy a pint?' or 'can you get a pass?' or whatever. Now this is always because best friends DW has either 'chucked him out for night' as having some girl friends round or she is going out with workmates to some do or seminar or whatever.

Now - I know , I know , I know , I know !! - why on earth shouldnt his best mate of many years ring him up and ask him to go out when he is at a loose end? But I am becoming increasingly resentful every time this happens. I nearly always say I dont mind and 'off you go- enjoy yourself etc' as I am not a nagging or clingy wife and would hate to start acting like one but then I end up unexpectedly spending the evening alone - which I dont mind per se and am happy with my own company/can entertain myself etc.

The other night I blurted out when one of these calls came (have no idea if DHs friend overheard me)'Oh I take it 'Dhsfriendswifesname' is going out is she so I get to sit in on my own again do I ? Blush Blush I mean WTAF - this is so unlike me.

Go on then flame away.

OP posts:
DollysDrawers · 01/04/2012 13:29

How often does it happen?

carols9995 · 01/04/2012 13:31

If it's happening all the time then I understand. Have you spoke to your h?

candr · 01/04/2012 13:32

Either find somone to go out with when he goes out or plan a nice solo night in, bubble bath, choc, film he would hate (sounds nice actually, can't remember the last time I had that as have 6m old)
If it happening every week I would prob have a chat with DH and say it is too much if you feel that way.

Softlysoftly · 01/04/2012 13:33

Totally depends on how frequent and if he always chooses best friend over you. If itS regular and he always says yes then yanbu, if it's infrequent then yabu.

I do think though that his wife being a "social climber" has Frick all to do with you or with the situation though, it's their relationship it's not her fault if when she chooses to go out he can't spend 2 minutes alone and calls your dh,

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 01/04/2012 13:34

All depends on how often this happens.

ladyintheradiator · 01/04/2012 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShellyBoobs · 01/04/2012 13:37

YANBU to be pissed off at being left on your own when you didn't expect to be.

It's up to your DH to deal with it though; I wouldn't blame his friend for calling and asking him to go out.

Why can't you tell your DH you're not happy about him doing it so often, then when his friend calls, he can make his excuses occasionally?

MrsKittyFane · 01/04/2012 13:39

Does your DH's friend only phone when his wife is going out? Does he do this often? If so, you are probably irritated because you are the only one out of the 4 of you staying in. :(

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 13:42

This isnt her fault, or even your friends husbands fault. How often your DH accepts invitations is between you and him. He can say no if he doesnt want to go out.

HolyCalamityJane · 01/04/2012 13:44

YANBU I would expect my DH to arrange a night out in advance and then I could arrange something myself. I take it the wife knows about her seminar in advance so why can't her husband say to your husband "in 2 weeks career climbing wife is at a seminar fancy going for a pint" next time he calls at last minute your hubby just needs to say "sorry mate already have plans when is she out next and we can arrange night out then"

redexpat · 01/04/2012 13:55

How would you feel about DHs mate coming to yours?

But nights out should be arranged in advance in most cases.

Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 13:57

It happens maybe once or twice a week sometimes and my DH does on occasion say 'No' if we've planned a nice meal in or something. Thing is though I actually hate it when wives 'tell' their DH when he can go out etc etc. so I usually - until that little outburst - insist it's fine - so off he goes - not being the best at reading between lines bless him.

I mentioned her being a social ladder climber etc etc type of person as it all makes me feel as if I'm sort of dependant on her (v.busy)social life/social calendar and it has an indirect negative impact on me - I mean all hell would break loose if her and her DH were planning a night in and my DH did the same - well it wouldnt actiually she would definitely have none of it.

I dont dislike them - not at all. I like them both very much. She is as I have said a very good person - just not my type of person.

OP posts:
cronsilksilt · 01/04/2012 14:00

So what if she's going out?
And why does your dh think that living in a council house is so awful hat he has to make jokes about it?

Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 14:03

Holycalamity - yes I think thats probably exactly it - not the fact I cant cope with a night in on my own/soak in the bath etc etc or that I think my DH should never ever go out on an impromptu basis now and again. It's just the fact it gives me no scope to arrange a night out or whatever with my friends. I guess it all just makes me feel as if I am somehow lower down the order of importance or need for consideration than her IYSWIM. I know I'm not making much sense Hmm

OP posts:
cronsilksilt · 01/04/2012 14:10

I don't understand why you need to wait for your dh to go out to arrange a night out for yourself?

Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 14:12

Redexpat - I dont really think him coming here would resolve it as it still would change the sort of night I was looking forward to i.e. just me and DH.
They would rather go to pub I expect and talk about footie or workstuff. Although on occasion my DH has said to me 'you can come out with us if you want' but again I just feel like I should let the 'boys' go out on their own IYKWIM plus once I've got my 'thought I wasnt going out' head onI cant be arsed getting ready that's it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 14:15

sorry bloody strikeouts !!
Once I've got my 'thought I wasnt going out' head on
I cant be arsed getting ready that's it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 14:24

Yes MrsKitty - he only phones my DH when his wife has other plans etc - so you well may have something there. I certainly dont think that makes him any less of a good friend to my DH that's just how it is with some people when they are in a couple I guess - their DW or DP is always their first choice of company.

OP posts:
catsareevil · 01/04/2012 14:31

Why do you feel that you cant orgainise a night out with your friends?

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2012 14:38

I think you need to speak to all of them, next time you're together.

Just say, "Can I just ask you all something? Every time you (nod at the other man) ring up to ask him (nod at husband) to go out because she (nod at the other woman) is busy, it leaves me with nothing to do. You are all going out and I have to stay in because I haven't had enough notice to organise anything. Can you all be a bit more thoughtful and tell me in advance when I'm going to be on my own so that I can arrange to go out, too? Thanks. Now, who wants another drink?"

MrsKittyFane · 01/04/2012 14:40

Only meeting your DH when his wife is busy could explain your feelings though. Whilst you have no problem with your DH having a social life, it is dictated by her social life, you are also the only one left alone. Try not to let it bother you, ignore the fact his wife calls the shots and enjoy your time alone. Do nice things for yourself when he goes out :)

catsareevil · 01/04/2012 14:42

The other wife is only 'caling the shots' here because everyone else allows that to happen. The OP could organise things for herself, and the OPs DH doesnt have to do everything that he is invited to.

Original poster
Sudaname · 01/04/2012 14:42

ImperialBlether - thats great. dreams of being that person Grin I suppose I could though seriously.

OP posts:
cronsilksilt · 01/04/2012 14:54

I see the OP is ignoring posts that don't agree with her.

knowitallstrikesagain · 01/04/2012 14:55

YABU because your DH obviously wants to go out and does not think that your night in front of the tv is worth staying in for. It is nothing to do with the other two, your DH decides whether or not to go.

I am biased as before DC I used to go out on an ad hoc basis all the time, but that was because I didn't count a night in front of the tv as 'plans' unless DP and I had rented a movie/got some really nice food in/etc.

Arrange some nights out yourself, if they don't coincide with DH's nights and you realise you are seeing too little of each other, bring it up. But you have to talk to him and explain that the majority of the time, you would like advance notice if this is what you want.