Well I know I am really but .......

[Sudaname]

here it is anyway !

My DH and I have a couple of good friends. They came to our wedding etc - only a handful of guests and we went to theirs (a big affair) so we are what you would call close friends. DH has known them both since school and through family friends respectively so long history with both from before they got together. I only met them through DH about 6 years ago.

< disclaimer - this is not a wedding thread !! >

The woman is a real social and career ladder climber/ very go getting and materialistic but a very good person and generally a very good egg - works in the medical profession. Her DH is more like my DH really - both in building trade and very down to earth. My DH (affectionately and in fun) calls friends DW 'council estate made good' or 'a snob' on occasion when she is being a pain about some miniscule detail in her latest 'project' on their already fantastic house for example.

So whats been happening of late is this - and I'm buggered if I can work out why it is annoying me so much.

DH and I have no plans for the evening except for watching something on TV, maybe a bottle of wine, curl up on settee etc. DHs phone rings - its this best mate asking him 'fancy a pint?' or 'can you get a pass?' or whatever. Now this is always because best friends DW has either 'chucked him out for night' as having some girl friends round or she is going out with workmates to some do or seminar or whatever.

Now - I know , I know , I know , I know !! - why on earth shouldnt his best mate of many years ring him up and ask him to go out when he is at a loose end? But I am becoming increasingly resentful every time this happens. I nearly always say I dont mind and 'off you go- enjoy yourself etc' as I am not a nagging or clingy wife and would hate to start acting like one but then I end up unexpectedly spending the evening alone - which I dont mind per se and am happy with my own company/can entertain myself etc.

The other night I blurted out when one of these calls came (have no idea if DHs friend overheard me)'Oh I take it 'Dhsfriendswifesname' is going out is she so I get to sit in on my own again do I ? I mean WTAF - this is so unlike me.

Go on then flame away.

Yes I do 'MrsKitty' - I curl up on settee with my blanket and feet resting on my dog and watch all the stuff he hates and it's bliss but yes I think it's the no notice thing - I go out with a friend every few weeks on a weekday afternoon into evening and have a meal couple bottles of wine etc etc but she needs notice to do anything as do all my friends really - busy lives etc. Also the 'dipping into' our few hours DH get to ourselves in the week is a factor too.

Knowitall - I'm not really that bothered about going out during the week tbh - not because I only want to go out with DH but i just happen to prefer going out at weekend - when it is usually us together - plus we meet up with our group of friends. I do go out with friends on my own as I say but am not really into 'girlie' nights out/in per se - but that's just me. He on the other hand does enjoy the odd pint midweek.
But you are right on the notice thing - I maybe - instead of worrying about him thinking I'm a nagging wife if I object - ought to be honest when it happens next time but add that it's the lack of notice that's the thing not him going out as such.

Ah, the 'no notice' thing gets to me too. In that case, your DH's friend (who probably knows his DW) has arranged something days before) needs to contact your DH sooner.

Actually, is it the 'oh, he is available at the drop of a hat' attitude his friend has? A few 'no, we've got plans tonight' might stop it. Having said that, might stop it altogether... Some blokes people are spur of the moment and nothing else.

Yes MrsKitty - I thought about that too - maybe he's just one of those blokes people or the other very good possibiity is that he is slightly under the thumb so just a casual - 'oh I just fancied a pint so just gave SudanamesDH a call ' is less provocative than - ' no I wont be finishing off that plastering/whatever when you're out on Thursday - I am going to arrange a night out myself'

You could actually feel a bit sorry for the bloke, maybe he waits (patiently) until his DW plans to go out and then seizes his chance to go out with his friends :( poor thing :o
His comments about your DH being 'let out' don't apply to you and your DH after all, they apply to him!
I Feel sorry for him now!

cornsilk, would you like some vinegar to put on that chip?

Goawaybob

I don't think you are BU at all.
In fact I think its rude of your DH's friend to ring at short notice and expect your DH to drop what you are doing and go out with him just because he is at a loose end. Its also rude of your DH to always accept - why can't he just say no?
I think the worst thing is that the plans are made at the last minute and you are therefore unable to organise your own night out etc. However its not unreasonable that as husband and wife you can have a nice evening in together just watching TV/having some wine etc.
I think you need to speak to your DH and firstly agree how regularly you are happy with him going out and also ask him to tell his friend to let him know in advance. I assume his friend knows in advance when his wife is going out so he can extend that courtesy to you.
I know its nice to do things separately but there's not much point being a couple if he's always going out without you!

How is it rude for the friend to ask the DH out for a pint? The DH can say no if it doesnt suit. Maybe the friend thinks that the DH enjoys going for a pint?

you know, this would PISS ME OFF , but thats because our relationship is quite exclusive. I wouldnt mind once in a while but twice a week would nark me. I would maybe suggest that your DH and his friend pre-arrange their nights out, then you can do whatever you want - arrange your own night, girlie night in, or maybe even, not sure if anyone has suggested this - GO WITH THEM :) I much prefer male company and would quite enjoy a night out with they guys.

MrsKitty - that is another very clever insight actually do you know us all? quickly draws blinds just in case but that is so true. He is I would say definitely under the thumb but one of those blokes who doesnt really mind being as seems very happy.

Yes Goawaybob I have done so in past on one or two occasions and I chat to lots of other people in our local when I do go out so dont have to even stand/sit with them all night. I also tbh prefer male company on balance - hence why am not into 'girlie' nights out etc

Could also look out for MrsKitty peeping round corners or listening behind pillars in the pub

Thank you Eppa. Just one small thing though my DH doesnt always say yes - but does a lot and I think when he does it's the fact I make a big point about being laid back about it etc possibly encourages him. So as I say I am going to start objecting some times now and give the short notice as my reason rather than because i'm a clingy wife which i'm not.

Sudaname If your DH drops you like a hot brick everytime his mate rings up, then it's DH you should be annoyed with, nothing to do with the other couple.
I'm sure your DH is perfectly capable of saying 'no, not tonight, mate' or turning the phone off, but clearly, given the choice, he'd rather be out with his friend than in with you.

And TBH I would be annoyed too

Goawaybob - I think it's rude to start a thread asking if YABU and then to ignore posters that don't agree with you. Although perhaps the OP thinks that I live in a council house so am not her type of person.

4Paws - he doesnt 'drop me like a hot brick' - he asks me if I mind - always. I always say no course not etc etc so as not to appear clingy etc even if I dont want him to go. Also as I have said several times he doesn t always say 'yes' if for example we have planned a nice meal/ bottle of wine or any sort of 'special' night in for any reason. As someone else said he doesnt consider just a night in as 'plans' as such.

I dont agree with the greatest of respect that because a married man agrees to meet up with a lifelong friend it means he would 'rather' be with that friend than his wife. Nor when I go out with my friend does that mean I would rather be with her than my DH. Otherwise no married person or person in a relationship would be able to ever see their friends as that would be 'choosing' them above their DH/DW/DP wouldnt it surely?

Hmm cron I don't think OP is ignoring posts she doesn't agree with, I don't think she had worked out why she felt so irritated and felt unreasonable for feeling this way.

What would happen if you said 'I do mind' more than once a week?

Oh dear god! Why on earth do you say go, I don't mind, if in fact you do? Just to appear not cling? Thats mad. And then you stew over it and attempt to blame the other woman and her dh!

You really ought to learn to ask for what you want, instead of turning it into something it's not.

YABUtterlyU.

cupofbrown : ducks to avoid cronsilk's chip
:o :o :o

FashionEaster I am sure at first he would stay in - definitely. But if I kept saying 'No' I am sure he would rebel after a few times and (quite rightfully imo) ask me what the reason was and if he felt I ABU he would say so and go out - against my U wishes.
Yes I know Cupofbrown I know I am part of the problem and as I have said I am going to start saying something along the lines of 'Well I do really (mind) - I was looking forward to our evening in together for one but mainly because been given no notice so I cant make other arrangements.

Perfumedlife it's not just to appear non clingy - it's because I am non clingy. For example if a friend came round for a cuppa and a chat and I was really enjoying her company and then she said 'Oh I'll go now - do you mind - I want to meet my friend/mother/put a wash in (whatever)' then I wouldnt say 'Well yes I do mind actually - please stay another hour - I was enjoying our chat and looking forward to more of the same'. So unless there's a really really good reason why I want my DHs presence - like I was very upset about something for example and didnt want to be left alone that night - then I wouldnt dream of saying to him 'I dont want you to go out'. But I have agreed as others have pointed out on here that I need to start being honest with him and saying ' I dont mind you going out on your own occasionally at all but do mind having my evening changed to a night in alone with not enough notice for me to make other plans.

Well i woudlnt know cornsilk, i dont have a problem with her council house comment and i grew up in one. Maybe she just thinks you are being unnecessarily beligerant and are not her type of person.

'unnecessarily beligerant'
you addressed a hostile post towards me goawaybob. I think it's you that's being belligerent