Well I know I am really but .......

[Sudaname]

here it is anyway !

My DH and I have a couple of good friends. They came to our wedding etc - only a handful of guests and we went to theirs (a big affair) so we are what you would call close friends. DH has known them both since school and through family friends respectively so long history with both from before they got together. I only met them through DH about 6 years ago.

< disclaimer - this is not a wedding thread !! >

The woman is a real social and career ladder climber/ very go getting and materialistic but a very good person and generally a very good egg - works in the medical profession. Her DH is more like my DH really - both in building trade and very down to earth. My DH (affectionately and in fun) calls friends DW 'council estate made good' or 'a snob' on occasion when she is being a pain about some miniscule detail in her latest 'project' on their already fantastic house for example.

So whats been happening of late is this - and I'm buggered if I can work out why it is annoying me so much.

DH and I have no plans for the evening except for watching something on TV, maybe a bottle of wine, curl up on settee etc. DHs phone rings - its this best mate asking him 'fancy a pint?' or 'can you get a pass?' or whatever. Now this is always because best friends DW has either 'chucked him out for night' as having some girl friends round or she is going out with workmates to some do or seminar or whatever.

Now - I know , I know , I know , I know !! - why on earth shouldnt his best mate of many years ring him up and ask him to go out when he is at a loose end? But I am becoming increasingly resentful every time this happens. I nearly always say I dont mind and 'off you go- enjoy yourself etc' as I am not a nagging or clingy wife and would hate to start acting like one but then I end up unexpectedly spending the evening alone - which I dont mind per se and am happy with my own company/can entertain myself etc.

The other night I blurted out when one of these calls came (have no idea if DHs friend overheard me)'Oh I take it 'Dhsfriendswifesname' is going out is she so I get to sit in on my own again do I ? I mean WTAF - this is so unlike me.

Go on then flame away.

I think YABU, and so is your DH. So what if the other husband is at a loose end and chooses to call your DH to ask him out for a pint? He is an adult and can say no, you are also an adult and can say, actually, I'd rather you stayed in with me I feel like we haven't seen much of each other this week.

Do all your friends require you to make plans in advance? Because if your DH and her DH can have an impromptu pint every so often, can you not call up a mate and do the same if you really don't want to be stuck in? I feel like you are martyring yourself somewhat in an attempt to be the laid-back wife. I'm a non-clingy (almost) wife as well, but if OH was out all the time then I would have no problem asking him to stay in and spend some time with me, even if it was understood that the time would be telly and then bed.

Or as you are all such good mates can't you go to the pub with them?

well, i grew up in a council estate, you surely don't expect me to be able to spell do you? My post was not hostile, i was merely enquiring as to why you felt so angry at the council house comment. Its a very common thing to say - a bit like "you can take the girl out of the estate..................." ah, never mind. Not my thread, its the OPs.

You didn't make any enquiry about why that comment annoyed me goawaybob. But as you say it's the OP's thread.

Whackamole I answered your first paragrah in my OP - as in : 'I know I know I know...etc and 'what is wrong with lifelong friend calling saying 'fancy a pint ?'and so on. As for he is an adult and I am an adult - I agree and that is why I will not stop a grown man from going out by any means except in certain circumstances as I have also already covered. Just as I - a grown woman would feel it childish to ask said grown man to stay in with me - just because I would rather not be on my own a few hours.

I have also already covered that I have no interest in playing 'tit for tat' (as it were) with regards to me going out on same night with my mates and also stated that yes actually my mates mostly do require notice (childcare/work/studying etc etc). Have also covered am not really into impromptu week night trips to pub - am fine with weekend nights out that we have and monthly lunch/couple bottles of wine day out with my friend. As for martyring myself - well I disagree with respect. I think saying to my DH - 'Oh dont go ,I'll be on my own' or 'really lonely' or 'really miss you' or whatever - then I would be making a martyr out of myself imo.
My Dh doesnt go out and leave me 'all the time' either. His mate rings once some weeks,not at all some weeks and at the very most twice a week some weeks and my DH does sometimes say 'No' as again have covered many times.

My problem is that one minute I am starting a quiet night in with DH - somewhere out there my friend has got an engagement - DHs phone rings and ..poof ! there goes the goalposts. I now have two choices - rush around getting ready/try to make last minute plans with friend(s) who cant ususally do 'last minute' anyway or to go out with DH and his friend or ask my DH to not go out. I dont really 'do' either impromptu (nights out that is) or 'clingy wife' - so hence the dilemma,hence the thread.

Anyway thanks very much for all your replies.

Do you think that your DH thinks you are clingy at the moment?

Have you tried discussing how you feel with your DH?

No not at all Catsareevil neither of us are really. It's not really that I am trying to prove anything by 'letting' him go out IYSWIM just that it's genuinely not in my nature to stop him by any means really. Obviously if he announced he was going to start going to a strip club every alternate Tuesday and Friday night I would have something to say but you get the picture.

Not really discussed yet but will do as partly while doing this thread! I have worked it out really that I need to tell him it's a no no on such a regular basis because of the last minute thing and not anything else really.

at Goawaybob - me too - Council house girl in fact all four of us in my sorry tale were brought up on one.

My Dh says this in a very gentle ribbing sort of way - from a standpoint of being from the same background himself and having known our friend/friends DW since childhood. So has an excellent rapport with her/them and so does not sound or is meant as patronising (as it possibly would if he were from a 'well to do' background I imagine). She also sends herself up regularly in this regard and often laughs at 'what a snob she has become' and how she's a 'pita' for wanting everything 'just so'.

..were brought up on a council estate obviously - not on the roof of a council house !

...maybe it is the upbringing

Hmm, I'm at a loss as to why we were told so much detail about the friend's dw, her job in medical field, her career ladder ways and just so tastes... This is about your dh changing the sofa plan at the last minute, at a pinch it's about his friend thinking he says jump and dh says how high, but I can't see the friend's wife having any relevance atall here, unless you dislike her and that's what's really bugging you?

It's ok to dislike people. If you did feel that way, would you feel it's impossible to tell your dh because he has been friends with them for such a long time?

YANBU. I can totally see where you are coming from, it would piss me off too. Easiest thing to do is to get your DH to call his mate on a Sun evening and ask him if he wants to go out for a beer one night in the week. Also if he impromptu calls on a different day get DH to say 'Not tonight, how about tomorrow', then either you know they are going out the next night and can plan accordingly or the other bloke will say 'can't tomorrow as DW is at home' and you can go DUH!

Yanbu when your husband is cancelling your plans for his friend. Even if your plans are just a nice boring night in front of the telly, why should your time be decided by her social life and her husband's inability to find anything better to do. I'd be pissed.

I like that idea Shelby yeah 'DUH' indeed. Followed by CLUNK possibly ?

bobbledunk yes exactly - it's the being decided by someone elses social life - that's the one !

I don't get what any of the background you have provided has to do with the fact that your DH sometimes goes out when you would prefer him to stay home with you for the evening?

I just don't get it.

If you would prefer a quiet evening with your DH just say so.

Merloth It didnt seem that simple though and to me the background is very relevant - as I said upthread - hence the dilemma, hence this thread. But I have thought it through and come to a conclusion now partly thanks to doing this thread obviously. That is I must tell him when I object but also why I object i.e. the lack of notice - nothing else. Then he can speak to his friend about maybe asking him earlier in the week when he knows he'll be at loose end. Then his friend can tackle any issues (if that is the case) with his wife that are causing him to literally wait till his wife shuts the door behind her before ringing my DH
.Jobs a good 'un - everyones happy - even me the last skittle on the end in all this

I dont really 'do' either impromptu (nights out that is) or 'clingy wife' - so hence the dilemma,hence the thread.

It seems to come down to a difference in how you like to spend your nights. He wants to go out, you want to stay in. Maybe the best thing would be, to avoid having to ask him to stop going for a drink when, as he sees it, he is not doing anything better, is to book in a few nights a week with him and plan something, even if it is just watching a film/tv series, cooking a nice meal, early night whatever. That way, you will know you are going to see plenty of him and when, and he will be able to say yes to a drink whenever he fancies one.

I know, much as I love DP, sitting next to him on the sofa for a night is not something I would stay in for if it is the same as what I have done the last few nights in a row (and am likely to do for many, many more years to come)! Different if we are actively being together but otherwise, I would happily go out for a drink, or let him.

Thanks knowitall - that sounds abusive doesnt it?

Yes sometimes we have that dilemma at night - where we want to spend it together but one wants to go out and one wants to stay in. It's not always me that wants to stay in either suprisingly going by this thread. You are right of course there has to be compromise in a relationship especially where you have different tastes etc. Otherwise you can end up leading seperate lives really.

I think he needs to try and give me a bit of notice - at least some of the time - especially with this particular friend and as for me maybe I just need to get out more - to coin a phrase