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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OMG what a total knob!!!

66 replies

workshy · 01/04/2012 00:28

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable because I know I'm not but I know this is a good place to rant

private arangement with the ex for child support based very loosely around CSA calculations and the number of nights he has them was taken into account when we agreed the payment -he pays less than he would have to if we went through the CSA, and is pretty much paying £20 a week for 2 DCs (it's actually less than this as he pays £80 a month)

he is having them for the 2nd week of the school holidays so he has informed me he will only be paying £60 this month as he is having them for a week and that I should give him £20 as he will be having them for a week and that's what he gives me

well he can jog on!!!
tosser!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/04/2012 00:33

Presumably he wants them to still have a house over their heads when they come back doesn't he?

Or maybe he has a set list of things in his head that he thinks he's paying for like food and stuff and doesn't like the thought of it going into a house 'pot' for everything?

YANBU, it's always good to say you know you're not BU in the first line of your OP to set the tone of the thread Grin

Original poster
workshy · 01/04/2012 00:39

the clothes that they take with them when he has them obviously appear out of thin air!!!

and the £40 childcare I paid for teacher training day yesterday is small change Hmm

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/04/2012 00:43

If he's going to get shitty about it maybe time to let the CSA sort it?

I've got no experience of what they're like or anything, but he's trying to manipulate you through the money.

It's not his money to withhold it's yours.

minimisschief · 01/04/2012 00:43

well if he is looking after them for a week why do you need that weeks maintenance?

and he has a point with the [art where hes looking after them you give some maintenance

the point of maintenance is that the person not looking after the children contributes money to the parent who is when it comes to food and bills their child is using.

so technically hes correct in his knobishness and if you dont like scenarios like this dont do private agreements

Original poster
workshy · 01/04/2012 00:49

the calculation was based on the number of nights he has them over the year so 2 nights alternate weekends and 2 weeks in the year
and then halved by him and pushed up by me to 75% of CSA calculation

I will be sending clothes for the week and will wash them all when he sends them back dirty as he won't wash them

I will also be delivering them to his house and picking them up at the end of the week -nearly 40 mile round trip at each end of the week

any money he gives goes into the general pot -example being yesterday I spent £30 on clothes so they had enough to take a full week's worth with them

just because I don't have them for 1 week does not mean they don't inccur cost that month

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 01/04/2012 00:58

This is why you are no longer together - just keep saying this over and over in your head.

By next week you might not have any petrol or be able to get any to drive the dc to him - the way things are going it could all kick off again so this might not be an issue

nobutyeahbut · 01/04/2012 09:25

minimisschief if you ever decided to say anything nice and helpful please let me know so i can be there to witness it.

OP YANBU, if he thinks £80 is enough to support 2 dcs then he's crazy. You need to explain to him exactly why he must pay the normal £80.00.

For him to suggest he should pay less is just stupid.

sooperdooper · 01/04/2012 09:28

Tell him that if he isn't happy with your current arrangement you'll be going via CSA and he can pay what he should be paying anyway

Annpan88 · 01/04/2012 09:38

Your well within your rights by telling him to jog on!

And

Grin nobutyeahbut

GoGoBananas · 01/04/2012 09:44

Good lord.

My friend's xp was paying her £5pw (despite working cash in hand and earning quite a lot) and he had his friends follow her when she went shopping and if they caught her buying anything for herself (I give you for example a £6 pair of trousers from the market, only clothing she bought that year), he would withold that amount from her because- and I quote- 'I'm not paying for you to live it up on my money'. I hope his thingy turns green and drops the fuck off.

Anyway, sorry, slight hijack. Tell him you'll go through CSA then, miserable little sod.

kittyandthefontanelles · 01/04/2012 09:45

Hmmm, but won't there be expenses during the week for him? Food, Ice creams, cinema, whatever? Will probably cost more than £20. I'm afraid I see his point

NormaStanleyFletcher · 01/04/2012 09:47

Explain to him that next week is already factored in to the amount he pays, and that if he doesn't like it he can either voluntarily pay the full CSA amount, or you can formally go through the CSA.

Total knob

NormaStanleyFletcher · 01/04/2012 09:48

Kitty - him having them next week has already reduced the amount she gets all year round

SuePurblybilt · 01/04/2012 09:49

CSA him all the way there and back. Whadda knob.

Minimisschief - it's not just about the food for that week for goodness sakes.

woollyideas · 01/04/2012 09:52

KiKitty - his 'expenses' for that week won't even get close to covering the underpayments though, will it?

He's a knob.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 01/04/2012 09:53

Child maintennance calculations are based on the number of nights spent over the whole year, then payments divided up equally.

He is already paying less than op is legally entitled to. He is legally in the wrong on a nuumber of grounds here. If your not happy go via CSA.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 01/04/2012 09:55

nobutyeahbut Grin

£80 per month, for 2 kids. FFS I can't believe anyone is defending this git. It's a pittance to start with, then saying he will pay less & wants money from the OP for the week he has them, when it's already factored in to the calculation... jesus.

Go through the CSA and get what you are entitled to - he clearly doesn't appreciate he's getting a good deal through this private arrangement.

Even the CSA calculation is pathetic quite frankly, but it's a start.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 01/04/2012 09:56

As regards him not paying you for the week - he's already not paying for the week, because of the original calculation

As regards you paying him £20 for the week - he's asking for the money twice there, isn't he?

And if the "expenses during the week - food, cinema, ice creams etc" cost more than £20 then clearly he isn't paying you enough for all the weeks when you have them. Ask him how much money he needs for the week. When he tells you, tell him how much he will now be paying you per month.

As for buying them more clothes so they have enough for the whole week with them - I'd send them with 3 days worth and let him do laundry, just like you do. It's not a holiday camp, it's a week with their parent.

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 01/04/2012 09:58

I'm sorry but you have been way too soft with him.

Go through the CSA. I know they're notoriously shit but you will get more than you're getting now.

I get £70 a week for 1 DS!!!

Fair enough this is mine and ex's private arrangement but according to the CSA it will be £52 per week for 1 DS if we went through them.

You should be getting £80 a week for 2 children.

Your ex is knobjockey

Honeydragon · 01/04/2012 10:00

Ice cream days out and so forth are not maintenance, treats are not to maintain the child. The CSA doesn't factor these in so why should he?

Rhinosaurus · 01/04/2012 10:00

Why don't you just go through the CSA?

Funnily enough, it works both ways - we had oh's kids for six months due to the ex fucking up her housing. Not a penny from her, as "she was giving my oh money as he didn't have to pay maintenance." wish we had gone to CSA and had done with it.

DizzyKipper · 01/04/2012 10:04

Go through the CSA, your current arrangement seems to only be benefiting him - why would you do that?

Also GoGoBananas that is absolutely shocking. Why is your friend not going through the CSA?

MyLittleMiracle · 01/04/2012 10:05

I sort of get okay he wont be paying you maintenance....but you should therefore pay him, to what enjoy a week with his own kids...heeeelllllloooooo!

I mean the maintenance he pays isnt just for food, its for their clothing, shoes, food, luches etc, even school trips and childcare am i right?

And he doesnt have to take them to the cinema etc. If he is already paying less than he should be i would tell him where to go, says she who doesnt get a penny!

Honeydragon · 01/04/2012 10:10

Rhinos, what is she like? Because this happened to friends of ours, the children were basically dropped on the doorstop, fair enough there mum had split with her current partner and was living with her parents whilst looking for a place with her new partner. But it went on for the best part of a year, then about 6 months after the children moved back with their mother bar one who wanted to stay with her Dad, my friends OH received a solicitors letter demanding the bloody maintainence that was not paid to his ex for that period!

NotaDisneyMum · 01/04/2012 10:15

I know of several NRP who deduct their expenses from the Maintenance they pay their ex - including one who deducted the cost of a trip to Australia! The CSA has it's faults, but at least it prevents this kind of manipulation Angry

However, CM isn't paid to cover the cost of raising a DC - it is the NRP financial contribution to their DCs upbringing based on their income - the RP is also expected to contribute and the DCs standard of living is based on the income of both parents, just as it would be if they were still living together as a family. I think it's unreasonable to demand that a low paid/unemployed NRP pays half the costs associated with their DC's - this wouldn't happen if the adults were still a couple.

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