OMG what a total knob!!!

[workshy]

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable because I know I'm not but I know this is a good place to rant

private arangement with the ex for child support based very loosely around CSA calculations and the number of nights he has them was taken into account when we agreed the payment -he pays less than he would have to if we went through the CSA, and is pretty much paying £20 a week for 2 DCs (it's actually less than this as he pays £80 a month)

he is having them for the 2nd week of the school holidays so he has informed me he will only be paying £60 this month as he is having them for a week and that I should give him £20 as he will be having them for a week and that's what he gives me

well he can jog on!!!
tosser!

Thats one of their five a day! (the other four being heat,water,clothes,roof,bed,shoes,breakfast,lunch,dinner - wait that's far more than 4! And I missed out electricity!)

YANBU he's a knob. He is being petty and tight.

However to all the posters that are having a snap at NotADisney she is correct. It's a contribution not the money you live on to raise your children. As a single parent you are entitled to a certain income from the state as well as your earnings. Lots of us do without money from an ex thanks.

What is the solution? How do you suggest that redundant and low income parents provide for their DCs? Rob a bank? Sell a kidney?

If my DP was still married when he was made redundant, would he be condemned and berated because he wasn't financially contributing to the family finances and his DW was paying the bills? Do SAHP receive similar condemnation? They don't financially provide for their DCs; one parent financially supports the whole family, just like the OP is doing now.

Like the OP's ex, my DP does not have the money to give. I'm not sure how else to say it. I'm not suggesting for a minute that it provides anywhere near what the DCs need - but I ask again; what do you suggest parents like the OPs ex and my DP do in order to obtain the money you believe they should be paying towards their DCs upbringing?

I don't agree that the OP should pay towards the expenses her ex incurs during contact with his DCs - but if he is regularly paying what he can afford, then he is doing his best.

Yeah nothing. That's a good thing that the state bails us out isn't it?

It keeps those irresponsible men well insulated from actually supporting their children, are you for real?

Why is it wrong to say that this is FUCKED UP? That NRP are equally responsible for the financial care of their children? That is shouldn't be the case that RP have to chase or be supported by the state? What about those parents who earn over the thresholds? Does that preclude the NRP from paying something towards their children?

Are you saying the OP should be grateful for the 35p a day NDM?

Because he's doing his 'best'?

ShirelyK it's not black or white.
Lot's of women have children with truly horrible men, some women get pregnant in error and find abortion is too hard. The state is there to provide children with a chance as part of society. Men and women make mistakes and have done for all time. Making it about the money is a smokescreen.

X posted with. You NADM.

And I will continue to challenge you I'm afraid. When a couple are living together with their children, and one of those parents lose their job then a number of scenarios are available to them. They are together and they should work as a team. Both of them searching for work, both of them striving towards looking after the children equally.

When you are a LP this buffer of having someone else to take up the slack is gone.

We will never agree. My answer to your question is that the children should not suffer, any of the children. Paying a fiver a week for two kids means that they will. The end.

Your defensiveness on this thread is led - IMO - by the realisation that your partner is contributing 35p per day towards his flesh and bloods maintenance. That must be a hard thing to stomach.

I would certainly be ashamed to the point of doing ANY JOB AVAILABLE rather than allowing my contribution to my children being 35p per day.

Oh and ow I xposted with nothing.

3/5ths of RPs live without any financial support.

So, you can bang on about those money grabbers but the majority of RPs live without any financial support whatsoever.

workshy, do you think he is serious in his threat to cut contact if you go through the CSA? What kind of relationship does he have with his kids?

Your situation was the reason I decided to go through the CSA and why I'll still go through the CSA even if it means having to pay for it.

SK The OP says that her DCs standard of living has gone up compared to when she was with her ex - despite his lack of financial support; so how are they suffering financially?

I agree with you though, my DPs DCs are missing out - their mum can no longer afford to pay for the things that she used to. They still have a roof over their head, clothes and shoes, food on the table and families who love them. If I ever thought they were going without those things then I would go hungry myself rather than see them go without.

But, I do not believe that I should further disadvantage my own DD in order to ensure that DPs DCs continue to enjoy the lifestyle they had when DP was working. DD has already lost out massively when I was made redundant and my income plummeted.

As for finding ANY job; we're both trying hard, but there's nothing at all anywhere nearby.
At the risk of starting another debate entirely, i will ask which you think is more important for DCs (mine and DPs) - regular contact with both parents, or financial support for extras from an absent parent who they see infrequently? If DP and I moved away, we'd probably both find work - but my DD would stay here with her Dad because of school, DPs DCs live with their mum - and so they'd only see us in school holidays - assuming they weren't on school trips paid for by the maintenance we'd been paying for them!

I wonder why you feel the need to say all of this?

I am simply baffled at your continued belief that 35p per day is a reasonable amount if maintenance.

I am aware that we are having this conversation on a thread started by a woman who is suffering from sufficient fear from her ex that she won't go to the CSA in order to formally order him to be responsible.

It's easy to find excuses in life I think. But I personally find your posts to be not only irrelevant to this thread as far as providing support, but also to be pretty full to the brim of excuses and reasons as to why it's OK To pay such an irrelevant amount.

JSA as I know it isn't a lot. It's a he'll if a lot more than a fiver a week.

I've never said it's a 'reasonable' amount - I've said it's inevitable that a parent without an income is unable to provide realistic financial support to their DCs - and you are assuming a great deal when you refer to JSA, btw.

As for my comments being irrelevant - The OP received comments from some, including yourself, that her ex was not paying her enough. Those don't relate to her predicament about him withholding a weeks maintenance any more than my responses do

I'm always happy to debate an issue - but when someone starts to challenge my reasons for posting rather than the content and my opinions, then I think it's run it's course

oooo -lots of fighting on the thread, but to bring it back round.....

the DCs are financially better off because the ex used to be self employed and any money he brought in, he spent on his own hobbies without any thought to the family finances -any comment I made about this resulted in a barage of abuse, so I stopped commenting -I am now not supporting another adult, the utility bills have come down, I cancelled sky and we eat much more cheaply as I now buy own brand food and we eat less meat than when he was here.

he can afford to pay more than £80 as he works full time (granted on minimum wage) but he lives with his parents and they don't take a penny off him as they are encouraging him to save to move out

he also has money in the bank as when he moved out I bought him out of the house and although my overall mortgage is more, I have been able to extend the term of the mortgage so my payments are the same

he is very serious about stopping contact and has proved this by dropping me in it on several occasions when I haven't replied to a text quickly enough etc which has meant a 70 mile dash from my parents to help out, and if the DCs are ill and it's his day off he won't have them -but as far as his family and friends are concerned I stop him from seeing them
he claims to love them but regualarly goes out on nights out when he has the DCs, and even went on holiday without them leving them with his sister, which I didn't know about until they came back and told me what a fantastic time they had had with Auntie R!

it has taken me 18 months to get him to agree to any sort of maintainance, and on the third month of paying he is with holding money -it's not the amount that is winding me up but it is the principle and I'm also a bit pissed off with myself for allowing him to wind me up

Csa and change your hours/job so that you don't have to rely on him for anything!
Some men do this and it's just about control....if you go to Csa then thats 1 issue sorted..if you change hours/job then if he chooses not to see his dc then that's his problem...Who cares what he tells people, you know the truth.
Regain the control and keep strong....some men are such knobs!!
(by the way I get £48 a month for 2 ds through Csa.....knob!!!!)

Do you have any family or close friends close by, whom you could ask if they can take your children on w/ends when you're working? If you can get a safety net in place then you can go to CSA without too much worry about his reaction. How old are the children?

The tight arse. £20 a week for two kids? I haven't got kids but I know that is fuck all.