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Original poster

To ground my son until he is 30

70 replies

conkercon · 31/03/2012 22:15

I am so angry and upset with my nearly 16 year old son.

He got very drunk at Christmas. First time, totally rat arsed and total nightmare. Paid for it the next day, grounded for quite a while. Talks about trust issues etc. He is normally very trustworthy.

He regreted it and vowed he would never even drink again.

He has been going regularly to London with friends maybe a couple of times a month for about 9 months. No problems other than sometimes comes in after his curfew which is 10pm (takes about an hour to get home on tube and train).

Tonight he text me around 8pm to ask if he could stay until 10pm i.e. get home at 11pm. I said no. He said okay.

At 9pm some random guy rings from his phone and waffles that they have missed the train so will be half an hour late. I knew this was bull as I know times of trains and he could get train at 9.40 and still be home by 10. He said my son was in the bathroom. I told him to tell my son to ring me ASAP. He didn't ring.

I tried and either no answer or straight to voicemail which could mean he was on tube. He then calls me 20 minutes ago to say someone tried to mug him and he is on the train. I rush to station to meet him. He is drunk. Not as bad as at Christmas but obviously been drinking. Sorry to say but I think he is trying on the mugging thing to try and get my sympathy because he has been drinking.

I am so angry. He is crying in his room because I don't believe him. But I don't and now have no trust in him whatsoever. I am so upset and he will not be going to London again or anywhere for that matter. There is no point in talking to him now but how will I ever trust him again?

OP posts:
LentillyFart · 31/03/2012 22:18

We all go through this with teenage sons. My own dear boy pulled some absolute belters including one drunken performance that should have won him several Oscars and a year in rehab. You will get over it because you have to. I used to find it helpful to remember what I put my parents through and it also helped to just calm down, breathe and be thankful you've got him home. You'll be fine - they do come out the other side!

cocobeefsteak · 31/03/2012 22:19

10pm? On a weekend? Why so early? Better to teach him about sensible drinking/how to count units than tell him to abstain. I think you are being a bit harsh.

CrockoDuck · 31/03/2012 22:20

I feel for you...really. I have a nearly 16 year old DS myself.

BUT....

Take a deep breath - this is what many, many, many teenagers do. Their mates matter more than you do at this age. It feels crap, but it's actually quite healthy.

Ground him again, but please don't take it personally. He sounds like a good lad at heart, so hang on to that thought.

dementedma · 31/03/2012 22:20

The fact he is crying means the message has hit home. Can you talk to him?
Why is he getting drunk at the age of 16?

lifechanger · 31/03/2012 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrockoDuck · 31/03/2012 22:23

Just to add....Cocobeefsteak is spot on, imo. Telling your son not to drink will not work. Just won't. Talking to him about safe drinking levels probably will. Try that.

marriedinwhite · 31/03/2012 22:23

Twelve months ago our ds was 16. He has never been more than a tiny bit tipsy. His curfew started at 10 and gradually eked out until now it's about midnight or he stays with a friend. He had good friends and is fairly sensible. You know your son best.

Are you sure he's not so upset because although he pushed his luck tonight, he did have a bit of a run in on the way home and is scared on both counts now.

Am confident our lad is sensible with good mates but I still worry myself sick about him when he's out at night because I'm not sure they really understand how tricky other boys of their age can be or have a grip on the potential seriousness of knife crime in London.

Sympathies - it's tough having a teenager in London.

RachelWalsh · 31/03/2012 22:24

I'd imagine he's getting drunk at the age of 16 dementedma because that's what teenagers tend to do. I know I did and so did all my friends and the majority of my peers.

I'm not saying you should give it your blessing OP but I don't think it is out of the ordinary or a sign of anything deeply disturbing. Ground him again and maybe have a chat about sensible drinking habits?

LentillyFart · 31/03/2012 22:24

Why is he getting drunk at the age of 16?

Excuse me whilst I fall about laughing at this naivety! That is a supremely unhelpful question actually - it's what teenage boys do. The fact that this one is home safe and contrite is a really good thing from which the OP should take comfort.

Ingles2 · 31/03/2012 22:25

I haven't got a 16yr old... I've pre/teens and a SS who did teens a long time ago...so I may be way off track but
He's told you where he was, he phoned, ok, he's been drinking but it's only 10pm, surely this isn't so bad?
Are you trying to control too much? Be careful how hard you come down, you might push so far the other way, you have a teen who doesn't phone or come home at all!

Tranquilidade · 31/03/2012 22:25

I'm with coco here, I certainly never encouraged mine to drink but knew that in our current culture it was odds on that they would at some point and I wanted them to learn about safety, etc while at home rather than going wild when they got to uni and had no-one watching over them.

RachelWalsh · 31/03/2012 22:26

I should make clear that it was a good couple of decades ago that I was anywhere near 16! This has always been the way hasn't it?

LentillyFart · 31/03/2012 22:27

It has always been the way. Back in the day it was a large bottle of Woodpecker Cider and a couple of hours in a bus stop Grin . I suppose things have moved on now?

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 31/03/2012 22:29

Ok I was allowed till 11pm at 13 fair enough it wasn't London it was Lancashire but still.

At 16 I was earning my own money and going on nights out to night clubs. Yes I know it was illegal.

At the end of the day hes going to get drunk. What you need to do is teach him moderation. and to learn his limit.

If it was my DS I wouldn't mind the drinking so much as long as he didn't get into a sorry state like you see on those docusoaps.

I even think I would happily go and pick him up if I knew he'd been drinking so that I knew he was safe.

He's 16, he's young. As long as he's just socialising with his friends and commiting any crimes (except the drinking of course) I would be happy.

ps grounded at 16?? Really??

Hassled · 31/03/2012 22:29

It's Saturday night and he's 16. When I was 16 I was routinely drunk on a Saturday night. It really is remarkably common, you know.

You can't trust him because he's lying because you have ridiculously high expectations of a 16 year old lad out with his mates in London. Be more realistic - talk about sensible drinking, talk about not making himself vulnerable, talk about the need for honesty - but do not talk about how he will never drink again. That's a decision for him to make, not you. He's nearly an adult - if you want an adult, mature, honest relationship then you need to take a massive step back and a deep breath.

I know it's not easy - I have been there. But you are at the stage where you can't make his decisions for him. You can advise and guide and support, but that's the extent of it.

ErikNorseman · 31/03/2012 22:30

He's 16! What do you think he'll be doing in central London of an evening with his mates? You cannot stop him from drinking and tbh your draconian attitude will ensure you close the door on any discussion about safety, harm minimisation or sensible precautions. He will drink again and he will probably lie again!

duckdodgers · 31/03/2012 22:30

My DS who is 19 did similar stuff so it is worth holding onto things will get better - the question "Why is he getting drunk at the age of 16?" is easily answered by "because they think its fun". The first time we had to take him to hospital when he was also nearly 16 and there was a few more but talks about sensible drinking, drinking in the house all worked. He is now 19 and does still drink - but I have never seen him the way he was that first night.

Its your choice to of course but 10pm curfew seems a bit early to me.

Hassled · 31/03/2012 22:30

And at 16 I was living on my own. In theory he could be. Just don't blow it with him - all this talk of grounding will drive him away.

ifancyashandy · 31/03/2012 22:31

Oh god, I'm just lucky that we managed to always stay at a house where the parents were away for the weekend! And we went to a well known 'Top 5' state school. It's what teenagers do. Be proud that your son feels able to come home. And remember, he's supposed to be pushing the boundaries at his age - means you've done a great job thus far.

And don't ground him.

KateSpade · 31/03/2012 22:32

I think we all go through a drunken-shit stage, as people have said.

Mine was at 14, so just be glad he's a bit older...

I wouldn't be so happy about a 16yr old going out drinking round London but maybe thats just me,

TeaTeaLotsOfTea · 31/03/2012 22:33

not commiting any crimes Blush that sounded wrong didn't it

Original poster
conkercon · 31/03/2012 22:34

Thanks for replies. I am going to calm down and go and talk to him in a minute. Marriedinwhite you have a good point when you say maybe something did happen and he is scared.

He is not yet 16 so I feel 10pm is fair and is what I feel comfortable with. Have not gone over the top when he has missed it.

I guess it is not the drinking but the trust that has made me so angry.

Going to make him a coffee now.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
conkercon · 31/03/2012 22:36

Oh and by the way we have had many conversations about sensible drinking and have let him drink in moderation at home and at parties. Have always trusted him when it comes to drink.

And he isn't 16 yet and London is a dangerous place for a teenage boy who has his wits about him. Never mind one who is drunk.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 31/03/2012 22:36

I don't think being upset your son at 16 is pissed and lying is unreasonable, just because it's the culture now you shouldn't accept it, with no boundaries teenagers will just push things further to test that they can.

I do agree though that it's unlikely you can stop him drinking, he seems to be repentant and grounding isn't something I think teaches anything, and treats him like a kid, he's nearly.a grown up so talk to him like one, tell him how he worried and hurt you, tell him why you don't believe him about the mugging, tell him why you have concerns about your safety and discuss with him why he did it. It will be the "I'm a teenager and my mates were" reason because that's generally as deep as they go, but by making him understand and care about your feelings as someone he loves will hopefully stay in his mind and at least moderate any future situations.

marriedinwhite · 31/03/2012 22:37

It's also quite nice that his dad will buy a pack of Coronas on a Friday because he knows he likes them and it's quite heartwarming to hear dh say "shall we have a beer ds, while mum does dinner" or for ds to come into the kitchen and ask awfully nicely on the first day of the holidays if it's OK if he has a beer in the garden as it's such a nice day.

Think that started about this time last year when he was just turned 16 and it helps them be grown up and to handle it quite sensibly. A year ago he was an argumentative, know it all pain. A year on he's becoming rather nice. I think you just have to love them through it.

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