To ground my son until he is 30

[conkercon]

I am so angry and upset with my nearly 16 year old son.

He got very drunk at Christmas. First time, totally rat arsed and total nightmare. Paid for it the next day, grounded for quite a while. Talks about trust issues etc. He is normally very trustworthy.

He regreted it and vowed he would never even drink again.

He has been going regularly to London with friends maybe a couple of times a month for about 9 months. No problems other than sometimes comes in after his curfew which is 10pm (takes about an hour to get home on tube and train).

Tonight he text me around 8pm to ask if he could stay until 10pm i.e. get home at 11pm. I said no. He said okay.

At 9pm some random guy rings from his phone and waffles that they have missed the train so will be half an hour late. I knew this was bull as I know times of trains and he could get train at 9.40 and still be home by 10. He said my son was in the bathroom. I told him to tell my son to ring me ASAP. He didn't ring.

I tried and either no answer or straight to voicemail which could mean he was on tube. He then calls me 20 minutes ago to say someone tried to mug him and he is on the train. I rush to station to meet him. He is drunk. Not as bad as at Christmas but obviously been drinking. Sorry to say but I think he is trying on the mugging thing to try and get my sympathy because he has been drinking.

I am so angry. He is crying in his room because I don't believe him. But I don't and now have no trust in him whatsoever. I am so upset and he will not be going to London again or anywhere for that matter. There is no point in talking to him now but how will I ever trust him again?

When I was 16 I had the odd party with my small group of friends usually in one of our houses. The mum would provide a bit of lambrini wine and we'd get tipsy in a safe place. Of course we did go out too and got blotto more than once but generally it was more supervised and safer. I'd hope that my DCs grow up into similar habits.

I meant to add I'd be having kittens at the thought of my DS at 16 in central London at night. I think that is what has put the wind up you and I don't blame you.

I can think back to when DS1 was 16 and behaved similarly. He was DJing in a bar every weekend so had access to free drinks. He was expected to get last bus home - just after 11 or make other arrangements, but would sometimes just turn his phone off and leave us guessing and worried. He is now 25, got all the qualifications one could hope for, has a great social life (more into sociable dining and drinking decent wine now) and is very responsible.
By all means show your displeasure at his behaviour - particularly in not keeping in touch with you - but unless his behaviour becomes significantly worse, it is just a rite of passage between child and responsible adult.

didn't mean to sound critical at all, but at 16 I was NOT "routinely" drunk. have DDS aged 21 and 18 who are also not routinely drunk because "that's what teens do". They are not angels for sure, but getting drunk at 16 wasn't an option, probably because we live rurally and going out in the city to get pissed isn't what they do. couple of posts saying "that's what teenagers do".
Umm, not all of them!

Oh and wait until he sobers up to talk to him! A night of silent reproval, with paranoia of what mood his mums going to be in plus an early morning wakeup to a hangover will do wonders :o

Also, I've just read the thread back, and I'm kind of thinking its a bit cant remember the right word to be saying yes you can go out drinking, but you have a curfew.

Surely if he's old enough to go out round town, he dosnt need a curfew, i thought that was the way it worked?

Absolutely not to criticise you but to reassure, I've lived in London for 20 years, with a couple of other town locations thrown in intermittently.

Without a doubt, I would rather be two sheets to the wind in Town than I would in the suburbs. More people, transport, assistance & kindness than I've ever encountered elsewhere.

London teenagers are quite streetwise though and the tube nowadays back to this part of London is relatively busy most of the time and even I feel safe using it quite late at night. DS and his mates will hang out on the South Bank, I think there's also a cafe they go to in a nice place, each other's houses, the nice sports clubs and on the dodgier side I think they know of a few shops who will sell to the under 18s and they have a bit of a sess at someone's.

Thanks again for the responses.

KateSpade never said he could go out drinking in London. He never has. Normally hangs around West End in McDonalds, Costa or cafes chatting, eating, drinking (non alcoholic). He has been going out in London (we are from just outside London so he is not particularly streetwise) for about 9 months and has never drunk alcohol there before. Just meets up with friends.

10pm curfew is okay with both of us normally and when he has breached it by half an hour or so he has always called or text me. I have never gone over the top about this. Also he has normally been with someone on the way home.

Tonight he wasn't. I do believe now that someone tried to mug him at the train station in London. He screamed and ran. He is really upset but at least he is safe home. We have had a cuddle, he has cried and is hopefully now going to sleep.

He is normally a good kid and it is more the trust and worry that cause me to be so upset. He is so shook up that he actually said he doesn't want to go out again. He has always been quite cocky about never being mugged or attacked thinking it would never happen to him. I did tell him that he was more vunerable because he had been drinking and they probably saw that although it could have happened anyway.

He will be grounded but maybe until he is 29 as opposed to 30 :)

@dementedma Obviously not ALL of them, but a fair enough proportion to make it comparatively normal.

@Conkercon Glad it's calmed down now. Feel so sorry for your DS that something like that happened to him.

Don't think anyone was trying to criticise you tonight....I, for one, would feel very worried if my teen was getting drunk in central London on a Saturday night! But your original post suggested that you were feeling deeply, personally wounded by his behaviour, rather than just angry and we were trying to reassure you that it's not some terrible defect in his character - just teenage inconsideration.

Hope he (and you) are feeling better.

I think letting him make a few mistakes now is better than throwing a fit and grounding for ages. You won't stop him drinking; only make him lie more to hide it. Also learning tolerance level is important; I got trollied twice before 16, both times ending up puking for hours... And I learnt how much I could drink safely.

Why not ask him to keep the experimenting to local parties at friends houses, the things that would bother new most about this op are the going to london, drinking in public, possible lying about the mugging.

Be glad his friends made an effort to call you and look out for your son. I had to gold my husband's head up while he threw up when we were 17; he was unconcious. His mum had never let him go out drinking, go to london by himself etc. so he never learned moderation for years.

Dementedma, I agree with you. DS has done this once to the point of being unconscious, aged 18, and he woke up in hospital dazed and bewildered, and a more apologetic boy you could not hope to meet afterwards. I sincerely hope it was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him.

I strongly disapprove of underage drinking but sadly exH did it throughout his teen years and is still quite a drinker, and encouraged DS to drink while underage, undermining me all the while. I do not agree that getting drunk should be seen a passage into manhood or some sort of laudable boyish stunt that can be laughed off just because it is sadly such a widespread phenomenon. I don't want to think of my DS puking his guts up outside some bar or club, or behaving badly towards girls or women, egged on by drunken friends. I think it's bizarre that this is considered in any way funny or fun or an ok way to spend your evening.

Seeing DS passed out drunk and completely insensible before I called the ambulance was a salient lesson for his sisters. It was not difficult for them to understand how easily a brutal crime could be committed against someone in that condition. I emphasised to them that it is not the fault of any rape victim that she was raped, no matter what the circumstances -- rape is rape, and we talked about their responsibility not to ever leave a friend who was the worse for drink, to call me if they were ever at a party and friends needed help (no questions asked) and to call me if they were the ones who needed help too.

I think there is a double standard in operation when it comes to teen drinking habits and I don't understand why something that leads to nasty consequences even for boys tends to be laughed off or shrugged at. It is risky for both boys and girls, and the consequences can be horrible.

Calm down.

OK he could have phoned you and asked for an extension because he was already drunk and wanted to try to sober up before he got home. He is 16, he is not thinking like an adult, he is thinking like a 16 year old who has been drinking - ie not thinking at all.

He is home and safe.

How can you trust him again? Well if he is never going into London again you never can trust him. If you decide to routinely not trust him, then he might as well go behind your back because you don't trust him.

There has only been one study on teenage drinking, it is now deemed unethical. Teenagers do not feel the effects of alcohol as soon as adults do so they continue drinking. They also do not look / appear drunk so your son has had a LOT of alcohol hence the thinking he might have been trying to sober up before comming home.

Wait until he is sober and you are both calm and have a discussion on drinking, listen to his point of view. Try too think like a 16 year old in a group - there is going to be some peer pressure, and there might be some spiking of drinks.

Lastly your son needs to know that if he is drunk and in trouble he can call you, trust is a two way thing, he needs to know he can trust you to be a parent, which BTW you sound to be a good mum concerned at a 16 year old drinking.

Wait. Is he 16 or almost 16?

When I was about 15 I was on holiday with parents, step-brother, his best mate and my best friend. Us kids snuck out of the house and went drinking on the beach. We got caught and marched home, of course. Next morning we were got up very early, made to eat full breakfast and basically had everything done to us to make a hangover much worse ;) Was a good lesson.

I understand why you're so cross, I would be too but I also think these things (if he's an otherwise good kid and this is occasional) are also just a part of growing up and experimentation. I agree that your son needs to know he can trust you and call you no matter what. Teenagers do stupid things, but need to know it's not going to be the end of the world and that you'll help and be (somewhat) sympathetic if very cross.

i moved out at 16. I think youre overreacting

I do see the plus sides off underage drinking, i mean in moderation, ect. With an allowing parent, beers with parents at weekends, ect.
& not doing it behind your back is a good point too. Which most kids do if they don't have a consenting adult.

I've always drunk before i was 18, but a friend of mine's mum, used to buy her a bottle of vodka to drink at the park, from year ten onwards, which looking back i though it was a bit too far.

If teenagers don't go out and do normal teenage things, not getting smashed, they end up i think, and from experience socially inept. My best friend, was kept in a bubble and now when she a bit on the strange side..

are you sure he is lying about being mugged.

people who are drunk are more likly to get drunk. When he wakes up tell him to get dressed as he is going to the police station to report the crime.

likly to get mugged

Bless him. He must have been terrified.

FWIW I think you have been reasonable. You have been gradually giving him freedom and setting boundaries. Not going mad if he is a bit late, talking to him about the dangers of drinking too much etc.

That is pretty much all you can do, the rest is up to him. You can give him all the tools he needs but he has to use them.

I have found that boys (sorry to generalize but IME) need to be shown rather than told before they 'get it'.

Getting a bit pissed, being off guard and someone trying to mug him as shown him that all that stuff you said was right.

I sympathise. I have four DS. DS1 was a bloody nightmare in his mid teens. He is 18 now. I would never describe him as sensible but he does seem to have sorted a few things out.

I am a bit at this thread but as i do not have teenage children, I can only speak as an outsider.

It sounds really weird that underage drinking is being called normal! It may happen, does not mean it should or will happen. These kids trapped in adult bodies need guidance through this phase too. Liver disease is on the rise and i doubt we want to start saying, it is normal to have it in your 20s, we all did.

I do agree that the OP needs to calm down and treat her so as an adult but I do not agree that she should do this with the frame of mind that it is normal to come home drunk at 16.

I am also one of thoe who left home in my teen age years but leaving home means you either accept responsability for yourself right from the start or after a few pitfalls.
You just have to grow up quick and you invariably stop drinking or don't drink at all, without parental prompting, because you have to, to function.

This is not the case for one who is still home and is being given the money for a night out .

Thanks all these made interesting reading. All calm in our house. DS really quite shaken so no point in being too harsh. I have to admit I do have other issues to do with drink as well so part of the problem is mine.

In answer to one of the posts he is a month off 16.

He wasn't lying, he was mugged. Thankfully not hurt. Guy pinned him up against a wall and managed to get £20 out of his pocket. He managed to escape and run and got the train home.

On the whole we have a good relationship and he can and does talk to me about anything. We do have the usual rows about tidyness etc, but he is a good kid and does not give me much to worry about.

Thanks again.

Like mathanxiety I strongly disapprove of underage drinking. It can't do developing brains any good, it leaves people in risky or dangerous situations and makes accidents and injuries much more likely.

I know plenty of teens do it but I am pleased DD 16 isn't into drinking and neither are any of her friends. Long may it continue. They stay out late at each others houses- I picked her up at 11.30pm last night- but there was no alcohol.

OP I don't think your DS being a train ride away and intoxicated is a good idea. Intoxicated and up the road where you can get him would be safer. Up the road after just a couple of pints would be best of all.

He's 16! Why on earth does he have to be home by 10pm on a weekend?

If this is the first time he's been drinking since Christmas then you have a very well behaved son and should really lighten up a bit. Poor kid.