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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ground my son until he is 30

70 replies

conkercon · 31/03/2012 22:15

I am so angry and upset with my nearly 16 year old son.

He got very drunk at Christmas. First time, totally rat arsed and total nightmare. Paid for it the next day, grounded for quite a while. Talks about trust issues etc. He is normally very trustworthy.

He regreted it and vowed he would never even drink again.

He has been going regularly to London with friends maybe a couple of times a month for about 9 months. No problems other than sometimes comes in after his curfew which is 10pm (takes about an hour to get home on tube and train).

Tonight he text me around 8pm to ask if he could stay until 10pm i.e. get home at 11pm. I said no. He said okay.

At 9pm some random guy rings from his phone and waffles that they have missed the train so will be half an hour late. I knew this was bull as I know times of trains and he could get train at 9.40 and still be home by 10. He said my son was in the bathroom. I told him to tell my son to ring me ASAP. He didn't ring.

I tried and either no answer or straight to voicemail which could mean he was on tube. He then calls me 20 minutes ago to say someone tried to mug him and he is on the train. I rush to station to meet him. He is drunk. Not as bad as at Christmas but obviously been drinking. Sorry to say but I think he is trying on the mugging thing to try and get my sympathy because he has been drinking.

I am so angry. He is crying in his room because I don't believe him. But I don't and now have no trust in him whatsoever. I am so upset and he will not be going to London again or anywhere for that matter. There is no point in talking to him now but how will I ever trust him again?

OP posts:
dementedma · 01/04/2012 17:53

He's 15. 10 pm when he is out in town/city, (not chilling at a friend's house) is late enough.
My DCs had similar - or earlier curfews - and never ever once came home drunk.
But then, I wouldn't have let them go into town with their mates at only 15.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2012 20:52

'I have found that boys (sorry to generalize but IME) need to be shown rather than told before they 'get it''

I agree with that, and DS wasn't 'getting it' with his father encouraging him to thumb his nose at the law.

I have an older cousin who killed a girl in a car accident while driving drunk. There are better ways of realising you are not immortal or impervious to harm or not accountable to any higher authority.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 01/04/2012 21:35

FWIW DS1 was never allowed to drink and had to be in by 9.30.

I wouldnt even buy him a drink now and he is 18.

I cant stop him drinking but I wont encourage it. Unfortunately I am just too nervy. Teenagers and drink worry the crap out of me.

But thats my issue.

startail · 01/04/2012 22:02

First time I got properly drunk I was 14 and at a dance finishing at 1 am.

Not that I let on to my almost teetotal Dad.

No I wasn't a wild child, in rural Wales all 14+ went to discos and the pubs served us. The only reason I was drunk was new landlord got stroppy so we got an older teen to buy us a bottle of cider. Couldn't afford to drink too much at the bar.

Sorry you need to explain the fanged of drinking too much and how to get home safely, but you can't expect wings and a halo.

startail · 01/04/2012 22:03

Danger, sorry DD2 has just appeared.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/04/2012 22:26

I'm the mother of a 16 yo DS, and we live in London, and he just read this thread (his first!).

He wants me to to say to you:

  • he's going to drink
  • telling him not to will have no effect and will make it worse as it will make it into a taboo subject he has to hide from you
  • while he has let you down this time, you have to talk to him properly about it and say you won't judge him on this one incident, and won't ground him, so that he will feel able to keep talking to you and tell you about his problems and issues
  • you need to keep open communication so you need to let him mistakes and talk to you
  • 10pm is MUCH too early a curfew for a nearly 16yo - it's unrealistic and will make it difficult for him to have a proper social life and will make him more frustrated
  • London isn't that dangerous - even though he did get mugged - it happens, and as he gets more street wise he will be safer

Get past this, and agree more realistic rules with him which are consistent with what his friends have as this will make it easier for him to comply and fulfill your trust

And explain to him why it hurt YOU that he broke your trust, that the only reason you are protective is that you love him and want to know he is safe.

HTH.

PS From my perspective the most critical thing is keeping communication lines open and this is what will get you both through these teenage years, so risk breaking that at your peril! You need to move from being his rule-maker to his confidante as he spreads his wings.

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2012 22:36

What is a rite of passage for teenagers is doing stupid things and making mistakes. That's how people learn. OP, your DS might have drunk a few beers, but by the sound of it he's not sliding towards commiting crimes of violence or getting involved in serious criminality. Yes tell him off, remind him of the health and safety issues etc, but don't make this a bigger deal than it is.

marriedinwhite · 01/04/2012 22:53

Extremely well said WorkingItOutAsIGo. Ours is now 17 though and it isn't always as easy to do it as to say it.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 01/04/2012 23:01

Thanks Married - but it's my DS's words not mine so will pass on your message!

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 01/04/2012 23:13

I'd be more concerned that a 10 pm curfew will
A) isolate him from his mated
B) mean he is coming home alone as it's earlier than everyone else

My rules centre on not hanging on street corners and always sticking together along with letting me know roughly where they are

But then I prefer to have DS and his mates here having a few beers if they have nowhere to go than on the streets

mathanxiety · 02/04/2012 00:50

I agree about the curfew. I don't set a curfew at all as long as they contact me before midnight if they're still out with concrete plans about how they are getting home. I expect them to plan ahead about this and to take into account their commitments for the next day when deciding how late they will be.

dementedma · 02/04/2012 08:14

I am genuinely surprised - NOT critical for we all know our own DCs and situations - by how relaxed some posters are about young teens being out late. The DC in the OP is only 15....I never ever considered myself to be a strict parent, but being out late at 15 just wasn't an option for mine. Staying over at a friend's house, yes, (and I'm pretty sure alcohol might have been involved then Grin), but making their own way home on public transport after 10pm just wasn't going to happen.Not at 15.Or coming home even smelling of drink!
It doesn't damage their independence or molly coddle - DC2 turned 18 last September, 3 weeks later had a job in Spain on a gap year and has been there ever since, travelliing around and being independent.
I'm glad OP's DC is ok though.

laughlovelife · 02/04/2012 11:18

so OP what exactly are you grounding him for, the drinking???

your son has been mugged (going by the last post) but yet you still decide to ground him, have you contacted the police about the mugging.

To me it doesn't sound like your a good parent, but a overbearing one, whose child needs to learn, in which he only will by making mistakes.

dementedma · 02/04/2012 12:12

laughlovelife what a horrible thing to say! OP doesn't sound remotely overbearing to me.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/04/2012 13:04

Nor to me.

She sounds like she is trying to acheive a good balance.

So far she has been told she is too lax and too strict.

Which is why I NEVER post about my teen on MN.

ChickenSkin · 02/04/2012 13:08

Bet your ds is laughing stock amongst his mates. 10pm, really? And you wonder why he's rebelling?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 02/04/2012 13:18

Yeah, thats what is important.
That no one laughs at a 15 year old.
Not that he is safe

I live in a dangerous part of the city. I dont like my 18 year old 6 footer being out late.

Boys get murdered round here. Mind you he was bought up to be mature enough to be able to deal with a bit of peer pressure laughing. We taught him a few stratagies. We didnt just cave in to the 'all my friends are allowed'

ExpatAl · 02/04/2012 14:37

Dear Op, I think your relationship with your son sounds lovely. Please do remember that although he came home late it was only about an hour or so. And at his age he is still upset and showing it about falling out with his mum. You've done a great job!

dementedma · 02/04/2012 14:54

chickenskin - he needs some new mates then.
maybe I've been really lucky with my DCs teenage mates, but they generally understand curfews, most of them are on them too, and they just don't think it's cool to go out and get pissed.
Bet some of his mates are envious he has a mum who cares.

mathanxiety · 02/04/2012 15:56

Public transport was never an option for my DCs. If they couldn't get a lift then I was willing to pick them up, hence the request to call before midnight. And I agree that the friends are important. It's not just a matter of luck who your DCs end up being friends with.

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