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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to wonder if you have ever spied on your partner?

56 replies

HalfPastWine · 30/03/2012 12:49

We had this conversation in the office this week. It prompted some very interesting responses.

Have you ever / do you regularly check your partner?s text messages / emails / Facebook accounts etc?

If you have, why? Were you just being nosy or had their behaviour changed recently that it prompted you to do it?

If you have, did you find anything? What did you do about it?

If someone told you that they didn?t feel the need to check this info would you say they were being naive and that you should check up on your partner from time to time?

OP posts:

juneybean · 30/03/2012 12:50

I did, culmination of behaviour changed, I was paranoid, I did eventually find something and I never told them the full extent of what I found but I did tell them I had been snooping. We split up and now don't speak.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 30/03/2012 12:51

Nope.

I wouldn't be with someone I felt I had to snoop on.

Tee2072 · 30/03/2012 12:52

Never. Exactly what Chaos said.

MissFaversham · 30/03/2012 12:52

No, never it just doesn't enter my head. But I guess if he started to be secretive with his phone or whatever I probably would.

ComposHat · 30/03/2012 12:53

No, because I wouldn't want it done to me.

If I found out that a partner had so little trust in me they were invading my privacy, I would end the relationship there and then.

tangledupinblue2 · 30/03/2012 12:53

What chaos said.

Also it's an invasion of privacy I think. I wouldn't want someone doing that to me so I wouldn't do it to them.

ThisIsANickname · 30/03/2012 12:54

No. I've never felt the need.

TattyDevine · 30/03/2012 12:54

Not my husband, no. I trust him, basically, and get no dogey vibes. I think my dogey vibes ariel is finely tuned enough that I'm not being naive, and just don't feel the need to check up on him.

I have been in relationships in the past where I didn't trust the person, for good reason, and they turned out to be cheating, and yes I did snoop about with them because essentially I didn't trust them.

I had one ex who when I was at his house I pressed redial on his phone (landline) just to see who it was - that's how little I trusted him - it was his ex girlfriend who he had a restraining order out against - so not only was he bullshitting but he was in contempt of court! That gave me a reality check and I realised her stalky obsessive behaviour towards him was because he was leading her on and throwing the dog the occasional bone so I got out of that one pronto. They are now married!

(I wasn't the "other woman" by the way, she knew about me, they were split, etc, she was the ex, but he was slipping her one from time to time the toad)

wannaBe · 30/03/2012 12:55

no.

But I have been on the other side and the sense of betrayal is horrible.

I think that if you have cause to want to snoop then your relationship already is in serious trouble and you need to question what snooping will achieve in terms of

A, if there is something to find and you find it,

or B, if the other party hasn't actually done anything wrong and they find out, and the potential damage that will do to your relationship anyway.

bumbleymummy · 30/03/2012 12:56

I don't snoop but I can/do see DHs emails/texts/whatever and he can see mine. Neither of us cares if the other one sees it beuase we have nothing to hide. If he started being all secretive about it then I would probably be concerned.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2012 12:57

No never.

I wouldn't put myself through the stress of being married to someone I didn't/couldn't trust.

I mean where would the snooping end?

Would you ever be satisfied if you found nothing to worry about?

Original poster

HalfPastWine · 30/03/2012 12:58

worra I mean where would the snooping end?

That's exactly what quite a few of us said, it would drive you absolutely mental. It is such destructive behaviour.

OP posts:

LeQueen · 30/03/2012 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wineandroses · 30/03/2012 13:03

Not regularly no, but I must confess I do occasionally look at DH's texts. Not sure why because I do genuinely trust him, it just seems to be part of my nature to poke about a bit (plus I have, in the past, had some dodgy boyfriends whom I had good reason not to trust - hence they're exes).

Weirdly, I did once throw a hissy-fit about a text conversation he'd had with our childminder. This was the night before my period, and I do have one day a month of over-emotional unreasonableness. The next day I re-read the text and it was all pretty innocent looking so I was a bit . DH thought I had gone a bit do-lally. He isn't bothered if I look at his texts (well, except on that occasion, when he thought I was being abu). He doesn't look at mine; not got a jealous or nosy bone in his body.

wannaBe · 30/03/2012 13:03

I think it's a slippery slope. So - you feel the need to check up on your partner's texts, for instance. But what then if you don't find anything, do you then go that one further and check up on their emails as well? log into their facebook account and check their messages? put a keylogger on the computer to see what else they're doing?

Remember a while back there was a thread by a poster who had checked her dp's texts, and then, having found nothing, had proceeded to text him from another number to pretend she fancied him and then started a honeytrap type exercise to entrap him...

And if you're the spied-upon person you are left forever wondering just how far that person went to check up on you. Did it end with the checking of emails/facebook/whatever other media you use? Or did they even take it further and trace your phone when you go out (this can be done if you have an iPhone and location services set to on) etc.

If you've been watched like that then you spend the rest of your life wondering just what they're watching and when.

Pandemoniaa · 30/03/2012 13:08

It'd never occur to me to read DP's texts or emails, nor him mine. As it happens, we could do so quite easily since we know our passwords but both of us would think this was a very slippery slope. Our relationship is very much based on trust - infidelity would be a deal breaker - so while I'm not being complacent, nothing suggests that I should start snooping.

I realise things are different if there's a history of deceit or pointless lies. I've been in relationships with people who I haven't felt (usually from their past history) put too much value on fidelity. But I've finished things long before I felt I might need to snoop. It's no way for anyone to live.

craftynclothy · 30/03/2012 13:11

No snooping. I do check his email though cos it's the address linked to our paypal account (linked to joint account card) and I use that rather than use my business paypal account when buying personal stuff (easier and less confusing when it comes to accounts)

Similarly I see his updates on Facebook but it wouldn't enter my head to log in to his account.

FondleWithCare · 30/03/2012 13:16

I checked his browser history because I wanted to know what he was getting me for my birthday

I haven't checked his texts/e-mails etc but he reads them while I'm sitting next to him and doesn't care if I see what's there, same the other way around. When he's driving he often asks me to send a text from his phone for him, he's not secretive at all and I have no reason not to trust him.

If I didn't trust him I wouldn't check either because even if there was nothing the trust isn't there.

TwoPeasOnePod · 30/03/2012 13:23

I technically don't agree with snooping on your partner, because it is a breach of privacy, and it would annoy me personally. But I was in a position over Christmas that lead to me searching through literally everything 'private' that I could get access to regarding long term P's texts/emails/net use etc etc. which started from one thing, and spiralled into lots of really horrible discoveries

What I found fully justified the breaches of his privacy (imo), and it was actually very important I found out what I did in terms of protecting my health (mental and physical) whilst heavily pregnant, and making decisions on whether he should be involved in our childrens upbringing. Btw he had free rein to 'check up' on me whenever he wished.

Can I just add that I have had a checkered past both in terms of me being a cheat in various relationships and being treated badly, BUT I did trust him until things added up, and I discovered horrible downloads, dating website subscriptions etc by accident

Badinbadminton · 30/03/2012 13:39

My wife checks my texts and emails occasionally.

Personally I don't mind or care, I have nothing to hide, and if it makes her feel happier then it can only be a bonus.

TBH it's my own fault as we were together when we were younger and I was a bit of a dirty dog in my youth, now I've grown up and settled down but I guess she still gets these niggling thoughts and wants to calm herself.

However my first long term girlfriend secretly installed a keylogger on my PC and would send home to Key logs when I nipped to the loo and left her alone with the PC.
When I found out I confronted her with the evidence and she shrugged like it was the most normal thing in the world, we broke up not long after that.

ComposHat · 30/03/2012 13:44

I checked his browser history because I wanted to know what he was getting me for my birthday

Did his browser history tell you that he is getting you Swedish twins or a pregnant lesbian shitting on a dwarf?

Malificence · 30/03/2012 13:54

I've never felt the need but I would do it in a heartbeat if my instincts told me there was something wrong.
It's very easy to say that you would never do it but what about the hundreds of women on MN over the years who have been driven half mad by lying partners?

Most people are driven to snooping by sheer desperation, they need to know the truth for their own sanity.

juneybean · 30/03/2012 13:55

^ this

Birdsgottafly · 30/03/2012 13:58

Yes i did a few times. I knew that something was going on, it was only flirting.

It was just before what was going to be his dad's last Christmas, so things were complicated and i played a major part in his dad's care.

I know him well enough to read what is going on in his life.

imnotmymum · 30/03/2012 13:58

I always get DH texts/emails, open his letters etc as he really cannot be bothered. However he does check mine now and again as he always been slightly paranoid !!

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