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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to wonder if you have ever spied on your partner?

56 replies

HalfPastWine · 30/03/2012 12:49

We had this conversation in the office this week. It prompted some very interesting responses.

Have you ever / do you regularly check your partner?s text messages / emails / Facebook accounts etc?

If you have, why? Were you just being nosy or had their behaviour changed recently that it prompted you to do it?

If you have, did you find anything? What did you do about it?

If someone told you that they didn?t feel the need to check this info would you say they were being naive and that you should check up on your partner from time to time?

OP posts:

Sootie · 30/03/2012 14:02

I don't snoop for the purpose of finding something incriminating, but we both know each other's pw's for emails and facebook...sometimes I log into his facebook because his friends are more interesting than mine, to look at pics (is that bad?! he knows I do it too!).

FondleWithCare · 30/03/2012 14:02

How did you know?

PurpleRomanesco · 30/03/2012 14:03

I agree with Malificence. It's not something I need to do but I won't judge someone who has unless it's for controlling or malicious reasons.

On the other hand if you continue to find nothing STOP. Don't make it some obsessive habit that will turn unhealthy. There is a line between being insecure and invading your partners privacy.

wannaBe · 30/03/2012 14:10

there is a difference between being able to check someone's history/emails/texts and actively doing it.

PegBasket · 30/03/2012 14:13

I am probably alone in this but I'm not sure if my DH and I HAVE any "privacy" given that we are married and run a business together. I check his texts, phone logs, emails, FB etc and he does mine. We have total trust in each other and are interested in each others lives, it's not snooping it's sharing your life isn't it??

Badinbadminton · 30/03/2012 14:17

Did his browser history tell you that he is getting you Swedish twins or a pregnant lesbian shitting on a dwarf?

Sshhhhh! I don't want my wife getting wind of her birthday surprise!

SucksToBeMe · 30/03/2012 14:20

Yes,I have snooped. It only confirmed what i already knew. He was seeing somebody else and she was emailing his brother who would pass on the messages.
I managed to find out the brothers password to his email account. I told the OW as she didn't have a clue. I felt really bad for her. I was 7 mths pregnant at the time,and she was a virgin when she met him and had waited til she had 'trusted' someone. :-(

Hassled · 30/03/2012 14:27

No - because I've never felt the need and I'd hate to have my own privacy invaded like that.

But if DH had a history of cheating, if his behaviour changed, if I had other suspicions - I'd be in there like a shot. No qualms. I'd snoop his arse off.

Starwisher · 30/03/2012 14:28

I wish I had snooped on my ex, could have saved me a lot of grief and dark times.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2012 14:28

Did his browser history tell you that he is getting you Swedish twins or a pregnant lesbian shitting on a dwarf?

Haha! That's got to be post of the week

BusinessTrills · 30/03/2012 14:30

Do you really want to know if you are being unreasonable to ask?

Or do you just want to discuss spying-on-partners?

YANBU to want to discuss it, but YABU to try to shoehorn it into AIBU when that's not what you are asking.

BareBums · 30/03/2012 14:31

Have done in the past and found nothing but that was because I was looking in the wrong place.
Id like to think DH trusts me but im not 100% sure. We've had a rocky road but are settled now and very happy. He can be a bit paranoid sometimes and over thinks things but otherwise were open with eachother and that's that.

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 14:34

I did because I suspected something was wrong & it was! I'd never, ever snooped before then - but I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever about doing it.

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 30/03/2012 15:09

I did once because he was being different (couldn't put my finger on how), I found he was sending flirty emails. It's not something I'd ever make a habit of, but I had a really strong feeling something was wrong.

Original poster

HalfPastWine · 30/03/2012 15:16

I think women have a very strong intuition. They are able to read people easily and sense changes in behaviour, even the slightest thing.

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 30/03/2012 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 30/03/2012 16:01

How would people feel if their partner was doing the same to them? I for one would be off like a shot, of I got wind of having my correspondence monitored like this.

Sometimes the ends don't justify the means and imo this is one of the occasions. I know people would say 'ah bit I found x, y or z that makes it okay' there are probably countless other people who have done the same and found nothing and possibly fucked up perfectly good relationships as a consequence.

It is a dangerous road to go down.

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 16:16

ComposHat - even worse to be accused of insanity and post-natal depression when you question your H/P on the affair. If I hadn't had the evidence to back it up, he would have persisted in lying baldly to my face & insisting that I was unhinged.

AdornMeWithSparkle · 30/03/2012 16:35

badinbadminton - are you my OH?!

I did snoop on my now OH when we had a...erm...complicated period in our relationship. He didn't get annoyed at me then.

I have occasionally checked his mail or texts since then but not out of suspicion of anything bad, more 'cause he's dreadful at telling me if he has arrangements so it's sometimes easier to go straight to source.
He knows of my nosey tendencies and good stalking abilities and he's not bothered. He has joked that if he were to start an affair, I'd probably cop on before he did! (and this is not about me looking at his private stuff all the time, I read him well too!)

ENormaSnob · 30/03/2012 16:51

I haven't snooped on dh.

But I would if I thought he was up to no good.

And I wouldn't really be arsed if he snooped on me.

ComposHat · 30/03/2012 16:54

Postbellum obviously what happened to you is awful, but if you found a new partner obseesively going through emails/texts/phone records/bank statements looking for evidence of an affair that didn't exist, would you not find it difficult to trust that person and feel your privacy had been invaded?

PostBellumBugsy · 30/03/2012 17:04

Agree that obsessive snooping is bonkers.

But what happend to me happens all the time though ComposHat. Spend a few minutes looking at the "I think my DH is cheating" type threads on MN & you'll be amazed at the number of husbands/partners who will lie their way out of cheating wherever they possibly can. Without the evidence it is just your word against theirs.

I'd been with my H for 11 years & I had never once snooped before then.

NoWave · 30/03/2012 17:09

I have yes, because I am a bit insecure and paranoid. I did tell DH I'd done it though - he didn't mind at all.

noinspiration · 30/03/2012 17:29

No, never. If someone snooped on me I'd be v put off them, so I apply the theory in reverse.

StripyMagicDragon · 30/03/2012 17:35

I dont snoop, as I trust dh and know if I ask that he will answer me truthfully.

If I was suspicious, I probably would. I'm a nosy cow.

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