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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed at DS Grandmothers refusal to help

106 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:30

We are yet again potentially stuck for emergency child are tomorrow due to my ds possibly having conjunctivitis.
My MIL is the only living grandparent and is constantly telling us she wants to help with our son. However, there have been a few times now when we have been stuck for child care and she has refused to help. As a result both my dh and myself have had to take unplanned leave from work.
For example, today my dh rang her at lunch time to ask if she could look after ds tomorrow. He explained we are desperate. Dh has an interview up north tomorrow and I have no leave left to take. MIL does not work so is in theory flexible. Yet again she told my dh her social plans had to come first. She would not rebook her spa treatment in order to help us. She had a spa day last week also.
Am I unfair to feel this is a bit off?

OP posts:

Tranquilidade · 27/03/2012 20:36

Sympathies. My MIL used to do this too, it's really annoying

Catsdontcare · 27/03/2012 20:41

It's a shame she's not willing to help you out. Not sure what you can do though.

SparkleSoiree · 27/03/2012 20:46

Yanbu to feel disappointed.

Perhaps you could find another source of childcare for emergencies from now on. I rarely use my parents/inlaws for childcare unless they offer because I feel it can create awkward situations like your own. I would rather organise time for them to spend together for their own enjoyment rather than babysitting.

You may assume she would be flexible but unless you have an idea of her movements it is highly likely that if you call upon her last minute that she will have other plans. When she offers her help perhaps she means with a little notice?

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:46

The annoying thing is that she bangs on about how she wants 'grandma' duties, but she doesn't follow through unless she has nothing better in her diary I am beginning to get offended for my DS. She seems to put socialising and lunching in front of spending some nice ime with her grandson.
Sadly my mum died a few years ago. She would have jumped at the chance of having him tomorrow.

OP posts:

griphook · 27/03/2012 20:48

as long as you ds is on eye drops, he can go to nursery, so you shouldn't need to take time of. Have a look on the doh website, it's the guidance we use at nursery for contagious diseases.

crypes · 27/03/2012 20:49

although it certainly is frustrating, i reckon this is a problem for your DH to sort out. He must find the time to sit down with his mum and ask her to help more often and if not, why not?

Floggingmolly · 27/03/2012 20:51

Why must you both take leave?

Callisto · 27/03/2012 20:55

Why should she provide emergency childcare for your son? In what way is it her responsibility? Perhaps when she talks about grandmotherly duties she is thinking more along the lines of buying your son endless sweets and unsuitable toys/clothes and not free childcare?

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:56

At the last minute my sister (who works, is a single parent) has offered to work from home to look after him. What a sweetheart. If she can arrange all that at a minutes notice to help us it makes me more disappointed that MIL can't be bother to change any plans.... Will not be asking her to babysit in the future.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 20:56

"My MIL is the only living grandparent and is constantly telling us she wants to help with our son."

Sounds like this is she wants to imagine about herself, rather than the truth.

Someone who wanted to help would have cancelled a spa treatment to help out tomorrow.

It's shit that she won't, but I guess you need to stop asking her and just accept that she is not going to help you.

Sorry about your Mum :(

squeakytoy · 27/03/2012 20:57

Do you ever ask her to have him when you dont actually "need" it.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:57

Callisto I would love her to treat my ds but she doesn't even do that. And why wouldn't she want to help...I will help my children if/when they need it as much as I can......

OP posts:

tralalala · 27/03/2012 20:57

commeriserations, my MIL claimed to be not up to looking after any of our kids but when BIL had a baby she miraculaously managed to looked after my (very lovely) niece. Has upset DH no end, til that point we didnt mind.

scattergun · 27/03/2012 20:59

I have some sympathy for your MIL. I adore my nieces and nephews and love seeing them, but I would not want to have to provide child-care. It's entirely different indulging young relatives to having to be responsible for them/ entertain them etc. I would and have helped out in a genuine emergency, but I would not want to be seen as child-care.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:59

Floggingholly we both take leave at different times to share the responsibility for emergency childcare

OP posts:

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 21:03

Squeaky toy she does babysit sometimes when it's not an emergency and sees him on days out an stuff. We don't ever put on anyone for babysitting and try to do all the care ourselves.
Tralalala likewise she has provided a lot of emergency child are for her other grandchildren so this feels a little unfair...I will not be asking her again.

OP posts:

Calamityboo · 27/03/2012 21:03

Oh tickle that is so frustrating, I had to actually give up work because my mother promised to help look after my DS during school holidays (he is sn, so normal day care not suitable) then books 4 week bloody holidays in August, leaving me up shit creek. she also does it at easter, in fact she is buggering off next week which is fine now as I have given up work but I loved my job, just could't find suitable care for ds that was affordable :( flogging I don't think tickle was saying they both needed to be off, she was pointing out how neither of them had the opportunity to be off

MrsMcEnroe · 27/03/2012 21:06

Very glad that your sister is going to help you OP, and you have my sympathies re the grandmother.

I always wonder exactly what "alternative childcare arrangements" us people without family support are supposed to put in place? I mean, a poorly child is not going to want to be left with a stange childminder if they are too poorly to go to nursery/school. I don't know anyone who would be happy to leave their sick DC with a stranger in those circumstances (I know conjunctivitis isn't exactly an illness but you know what I mean) - and I certainly wouldn't be prepared to provide childcare for any of my friends' children if they had something contagious. That doesn't make me a shitty friend, it makes me a concerned parent who doesn't want to pass on more than the usual amount of horrible germs to my DC and who can't afford to take yet more time off work because she has caught something horrible from someone else's child! And I would never ask my friends to look after my poorly DC either, for the same reasons.

There was a thread a few days ago where an HR expert said that parents don't have the right to take the duration of a child's illness off work, even if unpaid. This was prompted by someone's DC having chickenpox. Is this really the case?? I thought that parents were entitled to "reasonable time off" to care for sick children - otherwise what are they supposed to do, leave them home alone for days 3-7 if they have chickenpox etc?

If a child is too poorly for school/nursery and a family member or a known nanny/childminder can't take them, who else is suitable apart from a parent?

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 21:07

Calamity that is such a shame. I helped my sister with childcare a lot when they were young and enjoyed it. To me that's what families are for - to help each other.
School holidays will be our challenge in a couple of years...by then I may have given up work also.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 21:08

"I would and have helped out in a genuine emergency, but I would not want to be seen as child-care."

The child is unwell, one parent has an interview and the other has used up all their leave.

They need someone to look after the child tomorrow or one of them is risking problem with their employment.

That is the kind of situation where someone who genuinely wants to be helpful will help.

Take for example her sister, who has presumably taken a day off work to help her out while her MIL won't even cancel a beauty treatment.

That is a bit shit.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/03/2012 21:10

The reasonable time off thing is apparently to allow you to get some childcare organised, but as you say - who wants a sick child? It is a bonkers policy.

MrsMcEnroe · 27/03/2012 21:12

Tickle I didn't emphasize enough how strongly I sympathise with your situation btw. I have had LOADS of time off over the past few months to deal with my DCs when they have been poorly - a combination of annual leave, unpaid time off and making up the time when I can - and it has got to the point now where I think my employer's view of my reliability is seriously compromised. In fact I am trying to go self-employed at the moment because all the juggling - without any family support whatsoever, and with a DH who has to leave the house at 7am so he is not around in the mornings when the "Is the DC too poorly to go to school?" question first rears its ugly head - is just too difficult. I feel as though I am letting my employer down but I just don't have a choice. I would never leave my DCs with someone who wasn't family if they were too ill to go to school. My DS picks up every cold/cough/stomach bug going, and it is a constant nightmare. DD then comes down with it approximately a day after DS has gone back to school. Every single sodding time.

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 21:13

"I mean, a poorly child is not going to want to be left with a stange childminder if they are too poorly to go to nursery/school."

I don't suppose many childminders would have them anyway.

I wouldn't be too happy if my children's childminder agreed to look after any local child with a contagious illness.

If my kids have something contagious that they could pass on to the other children at the CMs I don't take them. Obviously it's a bit more flexible than a nursery in terms of how well they need to be to show up, but you can't just rock up with a contagious child and allow them to pass on their illness to the others.

MrsMcEnroe · 27/03/2012 21:13

Ah thanks Alibaba - I didn't realise that. It is bonkers isn't it? - how I would leave a feverish crying child with a stranger I have no idea!

blubberyboo · 27/03/2012 21:15

mrs mc...i'm not sure exactly what the law says but think it is something along lines of....allowed reasonable unpaid time off to arrange alternative childcare (don't quote me)
in other words they expect you not to sit at home until kid is better again...pretty crap really

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