To feel disappointed at DS Grandmothers refusal to help

[Ticklemonster2]

We are yet again potentially stuck for emergency child are tomorrow due to my ds possibly having conjunctivitis.
My MIL is the only living grandparent and is constantly telling us she wants to help with our son. However, there have been a few times now when we have been stuck for child care and she has refused to help. As a result both my dh and myself have had to take unplanned leave from work.
For example, today my dh rang her at lunch time to ask if she could look after ds tomorrow. He explained we are desperate. Dh has an interview up north tomorrow and I have no leave left to take. MIL does not work so is in theory flexible. Yet again she told my dh her social plans had to come first. She would not rebook her spa treatment in order to help us. She had a spa day last week also.
Am I unfair to feel this is a bit off?

"It's conjunctivitis for heaven's sake. It's HARDLY an emergency. Children CAN go to nursery with it."

I would consider an illness that meant a child couldn't attend childcare (and as has been pointed out, many nurseries will not allow children to attend with conjunctivitis) on a day when one parent had a job interview and the other had no leave to take to be a pretty serious predicament.

I would certainly help a friend out out of a situation like this if I could, and a spa treatment wouldn't stop me.

Expecting adults to arrange their own childcare is one thing, refusing to help them out of a pickle is another.

I have a life, and part of that life is putting myself out to help people I care about when/if they need it.

It's interesting that in a country where grandparents can use the courts to force access to their grandchildren that they have no responsibility to them whatsoever.

Not that I think they should have legal duties, but it does seem weird that someone who has no responsibilities to a child should have the right to see them against their parents' wishes.

Often if you cancel a spa treatment in the last 24 hours, they will still charge you for it. After all if they don't, they will be losing money as they are self employed.

Was there a particular reason you had used up all your leave? Has your dc had a lot of time off sick. People who don't have any family around who could help tend to save a lot of their leave for this kind of thing.

I really don't see how asking someone to help you out on occasion is expecting them not to have a social life. It's asking someone to help you out that's all. They may say no, of course but it's not demanding that they forfeit everything else in their life.

Nope. It's not an emergency. She obviously knew by noon at the very latest yesterday as that's when her DH rang her MIL. So ... did she take steps to get her DS seen as soon as she realised he might have conjunctivitis to get eye drops? Did she contact the childcare to see if there is any problem with him attending once on the eyedrops? I'll bet not. Most childcare places that we've been to or used don't have an issue with conjunctivitis once the child is on eyedrops. Did you work Tuesday? If so, where was your DS as you stated he had conjunctivitis, so presume it wasn't at the childcare.

And if the OP had no leave left to take, then I presume it would be unpaid leave. So take that if all else fails. Yes, she'll be out a bit of money, but I'll also be willing to bet that she didn't consider that the MIL might be out money if she cancelled the spa appointment as well.

YANBU to ASK if she will watch him, however, YABU to be annoyed at her, as you clearly are. She is not at your disposal for on-tap babysitting in a non-emergency situation. It's certainly not her fault you've used all your leave.

Besides, the OP has made alternative arrangements, so it's all sorted. So why get stressed over MIL not babysitting when someone else offered? Again, I think this is partly annoyance that MIL is not willing to drop everything for her and a bit of jealousy linked to this statement:

likewise she has provided a lot of emergency child are for her other grandchildren so this feels a little unfair

The conjunctivitis policy of many nurseries rather irritates me, as I found out recently that doctors increasingly don't want to prescribe drops for it, as in most cases it is viral rather than bacterial, and they advocate bathing the eye instead.

If you can send your child to nursery with a cold, and the child wipes his/her nose on his/her hand and then plays with toys or holds hands with another child, that is going to spread. They don't tell you to stay off when they have a cold, if they are OK in themselves.

It would be lovely to think she would help out, I would in this situation.

BUT, I am increasingly realising that some grandparents say the stuff about helping out anytime, or being desperate to see their grandchildren, but don't actually mean it. I think they feel obliged to say 'grandparentish' (if that's a word!) things, but really they don't want to do them.

My MIL cries and pleads with us to visit her abroad and says she wants to help with the children. It's emotional blackmail, not a genuine offer of help. When we go, she hardly sees the children at all.

It's upsetting, and it would be nice to think families could help each other out, but it doesn't always happen for a variety of reasons. All grannies are not alike and she may actually find the reality of looking after a child to be quite hard work and something she can't do. My mum would drop everything to help me in this situation, but I think this is very kind and not to be expected.

If she says she wants to help, then she wont, just stop bothering with her

I also think it seems to do with the cancellation fee. I do not know a single spa that would allow the last minute cancellation without some sort of charge for it. OP still did not come back whether she was prepared to compensate her MIL (plus for another friend if it is was a day out with a friend) because it really does make a difference.

Although I feel that families need to help each other our, i also believe it should not be all on OPs terms - when she needs it, as she needs it. It is give and take on both sides.

Why be so harsh to the OP, I dont understand some of the resposnses. It's fine if her MIL has said I have an active social life and dont want any babysitting duites but her MIL is saying how she wants to be more involved and then backs away when asked. Why is it O.K for the MIL to send out condictatory messages which confuses her DIL, but the DIL be in the wrong to want or need her help?

I think a little compassion wouldn't go amiss, especially from some of the previous posts. It isn't always about taking unpaid leave, it's sometimes about not being seen in the workplace as unreliable due to childcare problems/issues. If were not prepared to help our children whatever their age then it's a pretty crap state of affairs in my book

Because the OP is acting like a spoilt child perhaps?

The OP is not "confused" about mixed messages. She's annoyed because when something happened (child came down with conjunctivitis), her MIL didn't drop everything and babysit. And she's apparently keeping tabs about just how much babysitting dear old Gran is doing for the other grandchildren, so she can accumulate her fair share as well.

A bit petulant to be whinging about it even though she's already made other acceptable arrangements with SIL.

this is mean
BUT next time she says she wants to see DS bite her bloody head off

Because baking I for one see that this situation may not be as black-and-white as the OP describes

It is mean but some MIL are like that. Mine has never babysat and refused to help when number 4 was in hospital (the doctors thought the end had come) and I phoned her in tears asking her to take the other 3. The answer was no, she volunteered at the CPL and wasnt changing it. She didnt give a shit about the potential dying (dd pulled through, one day she wont) child either
Yet she dumped DH on her mother for weeks at a time to go on holiday. But what goes around comes around.

baking MiL has not said she doesn't want any babysitting duties. Didn't OP say she does babysit sometimes? She just said on this particular occasion it wasn't convenient.

I've just spent the weekend with my own MiL who is constantly looking after her (other, not my DC) GC when she is ill - she cancels her own arrangements at the drop of the hat, and more worryingly she is always catching bugs from the GC so she seems to be permanently ill herself. MiL is very happy to help out and adores her GC but it was very clear that she was finding the constant need to help out (and as OP points our herself, DC at this age going to nursery are often ill) was taking its toll and wishing there was some way she could, just occasionally, say no without causing offence.

Triggles I dont think she's acting like a spoilt child...it's hard having a full-time career while juggling young children

Is it O.K to have different standards for each of your children? Some you'll do lots of childcare for others hardly any and this to be a fair system? As a parent I try to be consistent, although mine are young and i've yet to cross this bridge but I feel it's best to give your time, attention and money if necesssary equally to all children and grandchildren so your family does not become a hotbed of resentment. I'd hate to think one of my children or SIL/DIL's felt resentment towards me because I was spending more time with their siblings families.

I dont think it just over this occasion, i'm sure she's sensible enough to realise that pre-booked spas like this might incur a penalty but she's upset at being told the MIL's spa day comes before her son, that's pretty harsh to me and may have been the tipping point

"she's upset at being told the MIL's spa day comes before her son, that's pretty harsh to me and may have been the tipping point"

baking I think this statement is also a bit ott
OP has to persuade her MIL why OP's day in the office and/or her dh's interview is more important than the prearranged day in the spa. it is nothing to do with the GC, I guess he is not going to stay out on the streets as a result of his GM refusing to babysit

btw, i have a MIL similar to that of OP with the social calendar filled months in advance, so i sympathize, but I do not believe that one persons arrangements trump the same of the others unless it is a real emergency (REAL, not babysitting dilemma)

I'm not saying the MIL in question doesn't deserve to go to the spa and of course bemybebe things in real life are never black and white.

We only have one side of the arguement but my point is that the MIL in question and all MIL's should be truthful if they dont want/expect to be a babysitting service so every one knows where they stand and apply this equally to all children

baking addict - IMO she is. Yes, it's hard having a full-time career while juggling young children. But MIL was obviously not her only option, as she's arranged something else acceptable. So why whinge about MIL not being available? And it is simply not a real emergency. As bemybebe said.. it's a babysitting dilemma, NOT an emergency.

And for the love of god... are people on here ADULTS?? Do you sit and clock how many hours the grandparents babysit each child to make sure it's even?? If your family becomes a "hotbed of resentment" over whether things are evenly distributed (such as childcare assistance), then they should've been taught a bit more tolerance and empathy towards others growing up. My parents babysat for my younger sister all the time, occasionally for me, and rarely for my elder sister. Why? Because younger sister had numerous problems, including health problems. I mostly had childcare organised, it was only when I had to work on holidays (Christmas for example as I worked in law enforcement and sometimes got stuck with holidays - difficult to get child care for Christmas Day, and I was single parent) that were asked (well in advance) to babysit. And my older sister had a nanny, so no worries for childcare. Did we begrudge my parents doing more babysitting for my sister than us? No. She needed it more. That's life. They helped her out financially more as well. Again, she needed it. We were simply glad they could help her and thankful that we didn't need the financial assistance.

Any adult that sits and tallies up whether or not their parents are distributing everything equally amongst siblings is acting like a child. I wouldn't expect a child of 10 to be whinging about "she got more than I did, that's not fair" so I certainly wouldn't expect that kind of childish behaviour from an adult.

all MIL's should be truthful if they dont want/expect to be a babysitting service so every one knows where they stand apply this equally to all children

If your DS is under 5, you are entitled to take unpaid leave (up to 13 weeks over the course of the 5 years)

So an interview to possibly enhance financial or career prospects for a member of your family is equal to a day at the spa in that they are both pre-arranged occasions and one doesn't have more merit than the other, i'm just asking BTW not being sarcastic. I'm not arguing whether the MIL should cancel her spa day, just whether these occasions really hold equal weight in terms of possible outcome

Erm the OP states in her post 'yet again she told my DH her social plans had to come first' so is it really ott to conclude with my comment that ''she's upset at being told the MIL's spa day comes before her son.

I'm merely conjecturing like everybody else contributing to this thread and of course most of my arguement is based on heresay from the OP but isn't everything on mumsnet!

I'm still wondering if OP:

• bothered to check on her childcare's policy on whether or not her child could attend with conjunctivitis
• took her child in to be seen or contacted her GP about getting eye drops as soon as she realised he might have it (she did mention her DH was ringing MIL at noon, so she obviously realised it fairly early in the day yesterday)
• offered to cover the cost of MIL's missed spa day

As she didn't mention any of this in the OP or fairly soon after, I'd say she probably didn't. Because if she had, surely she would have mentioned it.

She's acting a bit overdramatic with her "yet again she told my DH her social plans had to come first." And for the love of God, it's conjunctivitis. It's not the plague. I truly despair at what is sometimes classed as an emergency.

Triggles your're taking my arguement out of context. To the OP this possibly did constitute an emergency or at least a situation when she would have appreciated help from her MIL so the pretext of your arguement should have applied.

Nobody is suggesting ration books that's your irrational logic to my point of view but surely treating children fairly is a fundamental part of parenting and what of this blanket statement nonense your're going on about. Be open and honest with your kids with what your're prepared to help out with is my point. Dont intrepret everything so literally and then you might be able to follow an arguement more

Different children have different needs. Not everything is doled out equally.

I am following the argument fine, thank you. I simply don't agree with you.

Conjuctivitis is still classed as a contractable disease and mostly caused by a virus, bacterial conjunctivitis is quite rare. You dont need to see a GP, your local pharmacist will give you Golden Lady eye drops to reduce the inflammation caused by the viral infection

Some nurseries allow kids with a cold as along as the mucus is clear, conjuctivitis is highly contagious so will depend on the nursery in question, just like norovirus it can spread rapidly whenever people/kids are in close proximity. While the effects of the virus might be mostly self-limiting it certainly has the ability to spread like the plague!