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Original poster

To feel disappointed at DS Grandmothers refusal to help

106 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 27/03/2012 20:30

We are yet again potentially stuck for emergency child are tomorrow due to my ds possibly having conjunctivitis.
My MIL is the only living grandparent and is constantly telling us she wants to help with our son. However, there have been a few times now when we have been stuck for child care and she has refused to help. As a result both my dh and myself have had to take unplanned leave from work.
For example, today my dh rang her at lunch time to ask if she could look after ds tomorrow. He explained we are desperate. Dh has an interview up north tomorrow and I have no leave left to take. MIL does not work so is in theory flexible. Yet again she told my dh her social plans had to come first. She would not rebook her spa treatment in order to help us. She had a spa day last week also.
Am I unfair to feel this is a bit off?

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 27/03/2012 21:15

AThingInYourLife - no, I know, I was thinking of some childminders round here who do provide one-on-one emergency childcare for sick children and that's all they do. I still wouldn't be able to leave my kids with them though! The DCs would hate it.

MrsMcEnroe · 27/03/2012 21:17

blubberyboo - yep, pretty crap. I suppose we should all have an emergency one-on-one childminder on constant standby, with immunity to all known diseases and no other kids to care for - ooh, a nanny!

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 21:20

As much as I wouldn't want to leave a sick child with a stranger, it sounds like those CMs are providing a very valuable service.

It's really quite shit the pressure parents (often mothers) are under when their children are sick.

One of those examples of the ways the workplace is not set up for women/involved parents.

The fear of being seen as unreliable because you have responsibilities you can't shirk is very stressful and upsetting.

squeakytoy · 27/03/2012 21:20

tickle.. as grandparents, we often feel we are only any use when "needed" rather than as people who our grandaughter would like to spend time with, just for no reason other than spending time with her. It does make a difference to how we feel.

My DIL rang and asked me to babysit one friday night at about 3pm on the day.. because "you are our last resort"... hmmm, well tough shit... and my answer was no. It is quite insulting to be considered as a "last resort", and also to only see grandaughter when they want a free babysitter.

I am not suggesting that is the case for you, but as a grandparent, (albeit a very young one!!!!! who has a life of her own too.. ).. I love seeing my grandaughter, but it would be nice to see her for no reason other than just seeing her, and not just because they need a babysitter.

scattergun · 27/03/2012 21:21

My ds has had loads of time off with illness. I'd no more want to pass his germs on to my parents than to other children at nurseries etc. I've had to take time off and deal with the fallout, which has meant a massive change in my working practice. It's very difficult but I don't blame relatives for having other things to do. And I don't mean that to sound rude. It's massively difficult and stressful being a working parent with a sick child and I do not claim to have the answer.

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2012 21:25

Yes, passing on germs to parents is a good point.

My Mum is only in her 50s and very healthy - she's no more at risk from mild childhood illnesses or common colds than any other adult.

An older parent, or one not in good health would not be someone you could ask, even if they were willing.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/03/2012 21:30

I feel your pain. I'm going to be leaving work in the next year in order to not have this stress. We're really lucky too as PIL are brilliant at having DD for pleasure and illness emergencies! But I just can't keep asking for annual leave around our CM holidays and DD being unwell.

Avenged · 27/03/2012 21:30

I am in NI and when my DS (now 7yo) had conjunctivitis, he wasn't allowed back into nursery until he was all clear. This is still upheld as policy because it can be spread by the child wiping/touching their infected eye, then touching the hand of another child, who then goes on to wipe/touch their own eye, and so it spreads. Just like a lot of other infection which are spread by hand contact.

The reason for this is to minimise working parents (who could well be facing a disciplinary for so much time off) having to take time off for something that could well have been avoided. Makes sense too.

Tiredandgrumpy2 · 27/03/2012 21:51

Squeaky toy - that sounds like you purposefully didn't help out of spite! That's disappointing! I'm so glad you aren't my mother!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/03/2012 22:01

I've had this with PIL. We only saw them occasionaly (they came to us once after DD was born) every other time I did a 9 hour drive.
When I was pg with DD we went up.I asked FIL if he'd watch my DS (his other grandson was there, the boys could play) FIL said he was "too busy" but was okay to mind other GS.

These were the G/Ps who complained they "never saw my DC"

I thought fuck you ,put my DS in his buggy wrapped up and took him out.
I never asked them again to babysit.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/03/2012 22:09

Well, next time she "bangs on about how she wants 'grandma' duties", point out to her that she's talking out of her arse! Or be more polite and ask why she hasn't when you've asked her before, and when she blusters, point out that her track record makes you hesitant to ask again.

Oh, and if you can do it in front of witnesses, so much the better.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/03/2012 22:12

I understand Squeakys POV, its not refusing to help out of spite, it's refusing to be taken for a ride.

In OPs situation, it dies depend on other factors too, I don't think GPs should feel obliged OT help every time just because. Or just because they aren't working themselves and any plans other than work are unimportant.

Calamityboo · 27/03/2012 22:23

Well squeaky, I do understand why after being told your a last resort that m8 may not want to help, but that says to me that they tried everything they possibly could not to disrupt your evening, but had to ask as everyone else had let them down. Also

Calamityboo · 27/03/2012 22:26

Well squeaky, I do understand why after being told your a last resort that m8 may not want to help, but that says to me that they tried everything they possibly could not to disrupt your evening, but had to ask as everyone else had let them down. Also tickle is not talking about a night out or having a free child minder, but asking family to help out during a difficult and impossible situation.

fuckwittery · 27/03/2012 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 27/03/2012 22:30

just because she is isn't working doesnt mean that she doesnt have commitments.

I don't work much as such but have lots of commitments and would probably either need advance warning mostly. Could you have offered to pay for said treatment on another day?

AThingInYourLife · 28/03/2012 07:12

"just because she is isn't working doesnt mean that she doesnt have commitments."

If you are going to put your "commitment" to a spa treatment ahead of your son's need for temporary help in an awkward position, you should be honest with yourself that you aren't actually prepared to help him.

An offer of help that means anything includes being prepared to be flexible with your time if someone actually needs that help.

Insisting that you will "help", not when help is needed, but when you are at a loose end, is not a genuine offer.

She's under no obligation to help out, but it's a bit shit to carry on as though she is and then leave her son's family in a fix so she can attend a beauty treatment.

Bluebell99 · 28/03/2012 07:27

Did you offer to pay the cancelation fee for the missed spa treatment? She would probably be charged the whole amount if she cancelled with less than 24 or 48 hours notice depending on the spa, which is surly a factor.

Megatron · 28/03/2012 07:32

I do sympathise with you on this OP. My MIL is also the only living grandparent and constantly tells her friends (in front of me, so I've heard her) that she 'just loves being a grandma and having the children'. In reality she doesn't want them making a noise or disturbing her afternoon nap so doesn't actually want to spend much time with them. She comes here around twice a week to sit with us for about an hour and that's the way she likes it. I asked her once to help with childcare, and it was because my mother was dying and I wanted to be with her (DH was abroad), and she refused because it interfered with her plans to go shopping with her friend. I won't ask her again.

I hate that a lot of people just don't want to simply help someone out, on occasion, purely for the reason that it's a nice thing to do. I don't think it's asking too much, it's not taking the piss, it's not expecting other people to run around after you etc etc. It's asking a member of your family or a friend to help you out, that's all. Hope your DS gets better soon.

Megatron · 28/03/2012 07:38

Squeaky, could it be that your DIL meant that she didn't want to ask you as she felt it was a lot to ask and didn't want to take up your time unless she felt it was necessary? That's really how I feel about asking MIL for a hand to be honest, I know she doesn't want to do it so I really would explore any other option first. And I'm not just talking about babysitting, we frequently ask if they would like to accompany us for meals or days out but she refuses because 'they make a lot of noise and ask a lot of questions'.

diddl · 28/03/2012 07:50

Why would "GM duties" be looking after your sick GC?

CrunchyFrog · 28/03/2012 07:50

I would get the conjunctivitis checked, has it been diagnosed? DS1 was sent home by his CM very frequently with "conjunctivitis," it was actually hay fever.

Longtalljosie · 28/03/2012 08:00

Why wouldn't they? I thought the whole point of family is they have your back if you're desperate, because they're supposed to love you? And the fair-weather stuff was supposed to apply to (slightly crap) friends?

People who demand fun stuff only are shooting themselves in the foot, grandparent-wise. And squeaky - I do think your DIL was trying to say she'd tried hard not to take advantage, and I do think you were unnecessarily defensive / mean.

ComposHat · 28/03/2012 08:13

Not wanting to be the provider of unpaid childcare is fair enough. But the eulogies about how she's keen to be involved and support you.

I would take her claims to be 'supergran' as hot air and expect nothing from her.

Triggles · 28/03/2012 08:16

MIL does not work so is in theory flexible. Yet again she told my dh her social plans had to come first. She would not rebook her spa treatment in order to help us.

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