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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an adult treating a child like this is despicable?

62 replies

Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 17:50

I have a DS with an ex, both me and my ex have moved on to new relationships and had children with our new partners.

However my son's stepmother has treated my son so badly over the past 6 years I am contemplating stopping my ex from having access to my son.

Examples:

My son has never received a birthday card from his dad that says 'son' on it. Not a big issue, except I have recently found out that my ex's wife doesn't allow it in case it upsets their children.

His wife did not allow my son to meet their new baby for the first six weeks because he wasn't "close" family.

He spent last xmas morning at theirs and apparently his stepmother was getting agitated that he was still there at 11am and said to him, "come on get ready to go, it's time you went to see your 'real' family at christmas"

I've invited their kids to my son's birthday parties as I feel it is important for his half siblings to be involved but ex never brings them.

When my son had a really bad accident in the playground and rushed to hospital as they thought he had damaged his spine, I rung ex partner as my son was crying for his dad. My ex said he would be there straight away but just had to let his wife know that she would be picking up their kids from school. I then heard her say in the background, "Well I'm not changing my plans, it's not my fault that there is something fucking wrong with him!"

The latest thing is my ex is taking his younger son on a 'bonding' trip in the easter hols. My son asked if he could go and was told no because his dad wanted to spend time with his son alone. My son is HIS son as well FFS!! My son picks up on all of this and I am sick of being the one to comfort him and explain that both his birth parents and step parents love him very much.

I am so angry for my son I could cry. Whenever I confront my ex about the way his wife treats my DS he is always truthful about what she says/does but always makes excuses for her.

WIBU to tell my ex that I am not letting him see his son until his wife treats my son better?

OP posts:
lisad123 · 27/03/2012 17:52

You are not unreasonable at all, she sounds nasty Sad

TheCunningStunt · 27/03/2012 17:52

I don't think YABU either. Your ex needs to grow a pair and stand up to her.

pictish · 27/03/2012 17:54

How awful! How can he make excuses for her? What could possibly make her behaviour excusable??

Original poster
Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 17:54

TheCunning he does not feel like her behavior is wrong :(

OP posts:
LoveHandles88 · 27/03/2012 17:57

Maybe stop contact with her and your son, not your son and his dad??? She sounds vile.

timetoask · 27/03/2012 17:57

your ex sounds like a weak man that is afraid of standing up to her, I would definitely talk to him, give his the examples you have listed above, it is totally unacceptable. What a horrible woman!!!!!!!!! obviously very insecure person.

NoWuckingFurries · 27/03/2012 17:58

That's disgusting behaviour - both the step-mum and the ex! How old is your son btw? That kind of behaviour will do lasting damage to his self-esteem. Poor you and poor DS Sad

BlueFergie · 27/03/2012 17:58

Holy shit what a bitch. TBH I really dont know what to advise. I can understand why you are tempted to cut contact but I don't think that will help your son. The real problem is that your ex is nt sticking up for his son and insisting that he be treated equally.
WTF would he not say actually my son is our new baby's real family? Does he not come to your sons birthday parties? Why doesn't he bring the other kids?
Instead of confronting your ex about his wife's behaviour why aren't you confronting him about his? The spineless prat.

corlan · 27/03/2012 17:59

She is a complete bitch but it is up to your ex to stand up to her.

Is there any way you could make him see the pain this causes your son. Maybe it needs someone other than you to tell him - another family member or friend.

How old is your son - maybe he is old enough to tell his Dad himself?

AmberLeaf · 27/03/2012 17:59

Your ex sounds like a wimp.

I wouldnt allow anyone I was involved with to treat my child like that.

What does your son want to do? how old is he?

Original poster
Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 18:00

Nowucking he is 8.

And I have talked to my ex but he does not see what she is doing wrong. I think he feels that our son is his biggest priority compared to his other 2 children.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/03/2012 18:00

If your ex loved your son that much he would stand up to his wife. I don't think he does :(
My ex did this with my pfb, when he had a new baby with his new wife, they told my son "you can't come to our house, you'll wake the baby". It was over ten years until my son set foot in his father's house again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2012 18:01

How is your son's relationship with your new partner? Please tell me there is one man in his life who is loving, strong and caring.

NoWuckingFurries · 27/03/2012 18:01

You might get some helpful advice in the Step-parenting section, if you ask for this to be moved. Or post there too.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 27/03/2012 18:01

YANBU and your Ex is a wimp!

Restricting access however punishes your son take your lead from him and what he wants.

BupcakesandCunting · 27/03/2012 18:02

YANBU, not by a long chalk. Your poor son. :(

However, your ex sounds like a prize twat as well. I would wring the neck of anyone who treated my DS like that, partner or not. I'm not sure how far you will get if he thinks that her behaviour is acceptable.

Really sorry for you and your son.

Original poster
Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 18:03

amberleaf My DS idolizes his dad, which is why I get so furious when my ex doesn't stick up for him. If I stopped contact with his dad I know my DS would be devastated BUT he is also devastated on the occasions that he is treated badly by them. So I am in a catch 22.
My DH believes we should not stop them from seeing him and feels I am being a bit heartless considering it. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 18:06

MrsTerryPratchett my DH has an amazing relationship with my DS as we speak my husband is booking a "father-son" bonding trip for him and my DS at a place called 'GoApe' to make up for the one he is missing out on with his bio-dad.

NoWuckingFurries I will do that in a minute, will I get in trouble with MNHQ for copying and pasting my OP in a different sub forum?

OP posts:
Urbandecayed81 · 27/03/2012 18:07

What a vile woman how could someone treat a child like that!!! I don't think you should stop contact between your ds and his dad but definitely cut contact with the wife!!

skybluepearl · 27/03/2012 18:07

it's probably the reaction she wants. she wants him in her life as little as possible.

he needs to make a calm but fair stand really. he can do it quietly if he has to. instead of pointing out the unfairness - ask him to plan a short bonding trip away with your son. ask for dates. or remind him to post a card with son on two weeks before xmas/birthday. he walk into a shop and buy a card surely?

skybluepearl · 27/03/2012 18:08

i think you have to just accept that she is difficult and be proud of taking such a grown up mature role in all this.

AmberLeaf · 27/03/2012 18:10

Oh thats awful Sad

It must be so hard for you watching it over and over.

You are damned if you do....damned if you dont.

Glad to hear he has a good relationship with your DH

MrsHeffley · 27/03/2012 18:12

Don't know what to suggest but I really feel for you and your ds.I have 8 year old boys,if they were treated like this I'd be so Sad for them.I know how upset they'd be.

She sounds like a total selfish cow,I have no idea why anybody would treat a child like this.

Lovetats · 27/03/2012 18:12

Oh it's so tricky and I feel so very sorry for your poor little fella.

I think that I would probably go and see this woman and tell her that if she can't be at least civil to my child, then I would not allow him to be taken to her home. Your ex would have to see him at your house or somewhere neutral as a result of her abusive behaviour.

I think I would feel that the priority would be to protect the child from this awful harridan, no matter what the fall-out.

Oh and I'd tell the ex to grow a pair - the bloody wimp!

Lovetats · 27/03/2012 18:13

Oh and give your lovely DH a kiss from me! Good on him!