to think an adult treating a child like this is despicable?

[Ruudiluca]

I have a DS with an ex, both me and my ex have moved on to new relationships and had children with our new partners.

However my son's stepmother has treated my son so badly over the past 6 years I am contemplating stopping my ex from having access to my son.

Examples:

My son has never received a birthday card from his dad that says 'son' on it. Not a big issue, except I have recently found out that my ex's wife doesn't allow it in case it upsets their children.

His wife did not allow my son to meet their new baby for the first six weeks because he wasn't "close" family.

He spent last xmas morning at theirs and apparently his stepmother was getting agitated that he was still there at 11am and said to him, "come on get ready to go, it's time you went to see your 'real' family at christmas"

I've invited their kids to my son's birthday parties as I feel it is important for his half siblings to be involved but ex never brings them.

When my son had a really bad accident in the playground and rushed to hospital as they thought he had damaged his spine, I rung ex partner as my son was crying for his dad. My ex said he would be there straight away but just had to let his wife know that she would be picking up their kids from school. I then heard her say in the background, "Well I'm not changing my plans, it's not my fault that there is something fucking wrong with him!"

The latest thing is my ex is taking his younger son on a 'bonding' trip in the easter hols. My son asked if he could go and was told no because his dad wanted to spend time with his son alone. My son is HIS son as well FFS!! My son picks up on all of this and I am sick of being the one to comfort him and explain that both his birth parents and step parents love him very much.

I am so angry for my son I could cry. Whenever I confront my ex about the way his wife treats my DS he is always truthful about what she says/does but always makes excuses for her.

WIBU to tell my ex that I am not letting him see his son until his wife treats my son better?

Don't stop access to his dad. Please don't. He deserves to know him. If he really doesn't want to see him, then soon enough, he will start saying so and the reason why.

However, perhaps it is time to draw up a new contact agreement, which states that the ex wife has minimal contact with him. What is the current set up?

Dinah - if your dp had a choice looking back, would he have preferred his Mum had made different choices with contact. Am in a similar position to op, and just reaching the point where I can no longer let my stubbornness and not wanting them to get what they want get in the way of my son's physical and mental health. Have found it very hard to know where to draw a line and if I should draw a line and say that their behaviour is more damaging than the benefit of contact with father and new siblings.

My DH was treated like that by his step mother (and he had to live with her and his dad and her sons who she favoured of course). His dad said nothing - for a quiet life.

It hurt DH dreadfully. 40 years later it still upsets him if he is forced to remember it all.

When our son was born she tried to do similar to him - saying he wasn't real family like her sons' children, always getting his name wrong.

Luckily my family adore my son of course and we just had no more to do with her (my DH father had died by the time our son was born).

Tough call OP. You will have to try and make your son feel extra loved and secure if he is to cope with it.

If he cant stand up to her he isn't putting his son first and that makes him a BIG fat coward, a brief spell without contact wont do your son any harm in the long run, Id say write your ex a hand written letter explaining what you've sated here and tell him that if he can't stick to the arrangements you have set out as the most damage limiting for your son, then he wont be seeing him.

Wow this is just horrible , I can't believe a women would treat any child like this and I'm a stepmother myself .

What a nasty woman. Good on you for keeping your cool with her. You've obviously got your Sons best interests as your priority. I think you need to have a serious talk with your ex, and make it clear things have GOT to change. Good luck.

Op - This woman sounds bloody unhinged, what a nasty, vile bitch she is if she can treat a child the way she does.

I would bet that she is purely jealous of your son because he reminds her of the relationship his dad had with you, and I'm afraid that jealousy will never go away. However, that is absolutely no excuse for the way she behaves with your son. She knew her H had a child when she met him and its terrible she now seems to want your son out of the way.

I agree with others that if you do stop your ds seeing his dad then not only will that cause your ds alot of stress but you are also playing into this womans hands. That is what she wants !. Don't let her win.

If I were you I would keep a diary of everything that she does or says to your ds and if your ex still won't stand up to his wife and reign her in then I would threaten that you will seek advice from social services. What she is doing is emotional abuse !

Can't you shame your exH in to seeing how unfair he is being by letting hime know about the trip that your lovely DH and DS are taking and saying something along the lines of how glad you are your DS has a real man in his life to bond with.

OP, I feel so much for you and your poor DS. I can't imagine what you must both be going through and think this woman really is despicable and your ex a twat for not sorting this out.

Having said that ... I think it is really, REALLY important that you keep your eye on the prize here. Your DS needs more loving here, not less, and I would be very wary of restricting access. Ultimately your goal must be to try and make your ex and his new partner understand what they are saying/doing and how destructive it is. Could you try to have a proper sit down chat with them (him perhaps to start) and just try to voice your concerns? Not in a confrontational way because that it would make it way worse but just in a "i dont think you are aware of this but ..." way. Possibly she is a real cow and won't change but I think you need to do your very best to do whatever you can to change this situation bearing in mind that your DS is going to be the one that suffers the most.

What a horrible woman. I am so sorry for your DS and for you too. Of course YANBU. Your ex is being ridiculously weak.

What a bitch, your ex is even worse for allowing her to abuse his son in that manner, he would be better off without them in his life You do whatever necessary to protect your little boy.

Sad.

To tell this woman you would not let your son in her house unless she was more civil to him would play into her hands, she does not want him there anyway.

I think you should simply tell your Ex he can only see his son at your place, without this nasty woman in tow.

That way he can bring your sons half siblings or come alone, or not come at all.

You seem to be flogging a dead horse with the woman, time to make your ex decide how important his son is to him.

With him or without him, your son will no doubt be better of without the stress of the abuse.

Just my view.