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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think an adult treating a child like this is despicable?

62 replies

Ruudiluca · 27/03/2012 17:50

I have a DS with an ex, both me and my ex have moved on to new relationships and had children with our new partners.

However my son's stepmother has treated my son so badly over the past 6 years I am contemplating stopping my ex from having access to my son.

Examples:

My son has never received a birthday card from his dad that says 'son' on it. Not a big issue, except I have recently found out that my ex's wife doesn't allow it in case it upsets their children.

His wife did not allow my son to meet their new baby for the first six weeks because he wasn't "close" family.

He spent last xmas morning at theirs and apparently his stepmother was getting agitated that he was still there at 11am and said to him, "come on get ready to go, it's time you went to see your 'real' family at christmas"

I've invited their kids to my son's birthday parties as I feel it is important for his half siblings to be involved but ex never brings them.

When my son had a really bad accident in the playground and rushed to hospital as they thought he had damaged his spine, I rung ex partner as my son was crying for his dad. My ex said he would be there straight away but just had to let his wife know that she would be picking up their kids from school. I then heard her say in the background, "Well I'm not changing my plans, it's not my fault that there is something fucking wrong with him!"

The latest thing is my ex is taking his younger son on a 'bonding' trip in the easter hols. My son asked if he could go and was told no because his dad wanted to spend time with his son alone. My son is HIS son as well FFS!! My son picks up on all of this and I am sick of being the one to comfort him and explain that both his birth parents and step parents love him very much.

I am so angry for my son I could cry. Whenever I confront my ex about the way his wife treats my DS he is always truthful about what she says/does but always makes excuses for her.

WIBU to tell my ex that I am not letting him see his son until his wife treats my son better?

OP posts:

NoWuckingFurries · 27/03/2012 18:14

I'm not sure of the etiquette of double posting, I'm sorry. I know MNHQ will move the thread if you ask. I just hope someone who knows better can give you some advice and help your son. Also, bless your DH for booking a trip. He sounds lovely!!

Hecubasdaughter · 27/03/2012 18:15

Your poor son. :( I don't know what to suggest.

MrsHeffley · 27/03/2012 18:15

Yes give your dh a hug from me too.

MrsHeffley · 27/03/2012 18:18

On thinking could you insist on access away from her.

That way he isn't emotionally abused,he still sees his dad and dad's wife will have to poke up with her dh spending time away from her more.It might make her grow up and improve her behaviour.

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 18:20

Oh my God! "It's not my fault there's something fucking wrong with him."

SERIOUSLY?????????

I admire your restraint in leaving saying something for as long as you have.

i was inclined to think that it would be unfair to stop your son seeing his Dad because of his wife but his wife is in that house when your son is and she could be damaging his mental health.

I feel really sorry for both of you. Your ex sound scompletely whipped.

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 18:24

Mrsheffley makes a great suggestion.

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 18:26

Could your ex maybe bring your DS's siblings round to yours if it's appropriate? That way he still sees his Dad without her there and if she makes a fuss she'll be showing herself up for what she is. Again.

CremeEggThief · 27/03/2012 18:46

This sounds terrible. I don't understand how he thinks his wife is doing nothing wrong. Talk about the wicked step-mother!
I think you should look into access for your DS with his dad and half-siblings without the involvement of the step-mother. Your main priority here is to protect your son from such upsetting behaviour.
Oh and I once posted the same thread in two different forums on here and MNQH didn't say anything to me.

pigletmania · 27/03/2012 18:58

Yanbu what a nasty vile woman. I would give your ex an ultimatum , either he stands up to this woman, or he does not see your ds as her behaviour is affecting himbadly

pigletmania · 27/03/2012 19:00

What a lovely dh you have, and your ex is a sorry excuse allowing his ds to be treated like that

exoticfruits · 27/03/2012 19:05

I agree with MrsHeffley. I suggest that you put it to your ex that he has equal DCs and if his wife doesn't see your DS as an equal part of the family then he ought to cut her out of access. I don't understand how anyone can do that to DCs.

OhChristFENTON · 27/03/2012 19:06

So you have told your ex all of these things, he acknowledges they are true (including the things you haven't personally witnessed, that is) and he doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong?

That is appalling, and I am astounded that he is enabling this kind of treatment of his child.

If it was me I would put in writing (very matter of factly) all of these things you find unacceptable about her/his treatment when in their care and ask that until she is prepared to adjust her behaviour then your ex should have his contact with his son away from her.

With regards to your ex's trip with his other son, there is no reason why they shouldn't be permitted time for just the two of them - BUT 1) your son shouldn't necessarily have known there was a trip he was not included in 2) he shouldn't have been put in a position that he asked to be included and was rejected and 3) there should have been an alternative "just you and me" treat for him and his Dad.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 27/03/2012 19:10

I'm sorry she can't be more generous to your son but I think you risk making things worse/ less good for him if you refuse to let anyone, especially your ex, spend time with him.

I think encouraging your ex to have as good a relationship as possible with his (and your) DS is the best approach HTH

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 27/03/2012 19:16

And "Go-Ape" trip with your DH sounds a great idea - what a nice DH - that will go a long way to making things better for your DS on this I feel.

minimisschief · 27/03/2012 19:22

of course yabu to threaten or even think about stopping contact with the sons dad when he isn't the problem.

Imagine if you will your husband hated your child in a previous relationship and you ex turned round and said yeah well you cant see the child anymore because your partner doesnt like him.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 27/03/2012 19:27

Please don't ban your ex from seeing your son! You say he always defends his wife's appalling behaviour, but what happens if he decides it's easier to stop seeing your son than man up to his wife? Your son would be heartbroken I'm sure, and that nasty cow would "win". She'd get her "proper" family to herself, no sharing them with your DS.

I do think you should stop overnight access to their house and instead get your ex to take your DS out on his own until the stepmother (not that she deserves that title) can behave in a civilised manner towards your DS. Your son gets his dad to himself on their trips out and doesn't have to see that woman. An added bonus is your ex taking his son out and spending less time with his wife will probably really piss her off.

exoticfruits · 27/03/2012 19:30

I didn't think that she was banning him-just seeing him without ex.

exoticfruits · 27/03/2012 19:31

sorry-without his present wife.

BarbarianMum · 27/03/2012 19:35

Proudnscary · 27/03/2012 19:36

Ummm mini

Ever heard of the term 'enabler'?

The ex is absolutely not an innocent party in this. He is enabling, allowing, accepting this incredibly damaging behaviour from his partner. Behaviour that will devastate this boy's self esteem.

I speak from bitter experience. I so wish my dad had just once stood up to my stepmother when she chose her children over us or put us down or alienated us.

AutumnSummers · 27/03/2012 19:39

Agreed Proud

A child shouldn't be put into an harmful situation just so he / she can see thier Dad.

blubberyboo · 27/03/2012 19:49

would a social worker help or would it just make things worse?

social worker mite suggest access without wifey if her behaviour is detrimental..but then of course your ex may not have the balls to see his ds if she objects to this arrangement..it would also mean he loses the relationship with his siblings

she sounds like she is totally insecure by the fact he has a son ...my brospartner is the same and wudn't allow his dd in her house. as a result of his lack of balls he hasn't seen my niece for 10 yrs. she even fell out with the rest of his family because we continued to see her. my mum even sends pressies to her new siblings so that they aren't left out even tho they are no relation

i have a wonderful Sd who is now 19. i have been with dh since she was 4 and always make sure she is included in all announcements, occasions. i buy her birthday cards with daughter on them and we send gifts to her new younger siling (her mum's child with new partner) and he sometimes comes to play with my kids

she is really awful to behave like this..sadly she would probably be glad if u stopped contact so i would suggest continuing as is and just be there for your child when he is upset. ou don't want him to blame u fpr stopping contact. he will draw his own conclusions about his father and SM as he gets older

blubberyboo · 27/03/2012 19:52

apologies for bad spelling...baby on knee

Avenged · 27/03/2012 20:09

Do you know what OP, any old fool can become a father, but it takes a bloody good person to be a dad. Your DH is a good man for stepping up to the mark and booking that time away with your son. It also sounds like your ex is too lily-livered to rock the boat, and give his wife what for, over the way she's treating HIS OWN son. It sounds like his wife doesn't like the fact that your DS will always be the connection between you and your ex. It's something she'll never get rid of.

I hope the situation gets resolved as soon and as well as possible for your DS's sake.

DinahMoHum · 27/03/2012 20:13

your poor son.

my dp was really damaged by the hatred towards him as a small child by his fathers second wife

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