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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a stranger staying in my house

53 replies

noblegiraffe · 26/03/2012 22:33

A friend and ex-colleague of DH's moved to a different city a couple of hours away a few years ago. We've stayed sporadically in touch and meet up maybe 2 or 3 times a year in either city. He usually stays overnight when he comes to ours.

Anyway, he has said he would like to visit soon, and could he bring a guest? I'm assuming he means a girlfriend, of which there have been a few in recent years and whose name I don't even know.

I'm not great at meeting new people, nor at hosting overnight stays and don't even particularly want to meet her, let alone have her staying at my house. It's not like it's a long-term girlfriend that he wants to introduce, in fact I'm not even sure why he wants her there. AIBU to think he's being a bit presumptuous and to say 'No, I'd rather you came on your own'? Or am I just socially weird?

OP posts:

wheresthepopcorn · 26/03/2012 22:40

YANBU. It's your house so your rules.

Busyoldfool · 26/03/2012 22:58

YANBU - it's your house. Could you make an excuse? If not jsut say that you'd rather she didn't come.

Freshlettice · 26/03/2012 22:58

Maybe there's a good reason, like she's the one he wants to settle down with and he really wants you guys to meet her?

ifancyashandy · 26/03/2012 22:59

Hmm. Wouldn't bother me. A friend of yours is a friend of mine & all that, especially when it comes to partners.

gobbledegook1 · 26/03/2012 23:04

Wouldn't bother me either but if it bothers you just say you'd prefer he came alone.

pictish · 26/03/2012 23:05

I'd say yes.

Littlefish · 26/03/2012 23:07

I think you're being w bit weird.

Portofino · 26/03/2012 23:07

It wouldn't bother me either. You know him - you will either love or hate the guest, but it is only only night.

irishchic · 26/03/2012 23:09

If its the first time he has brought a girlfriend then maybe he is serious about her and wants you both to meet her.

I do think yabu and a little bit odd tbh. As for "your house your rules" well it's your dh's house too, doesnt that count for anything? Is your dh happy to have them?

MerylStrop · 26/03/2012 23:09

YABU to think it's presumptuous
If you like him enough to have him to stay hopefully he can be trusted to only bring good people into your life?
I think YAB - a wee bit- U and maybe just a bit lazy, sorry

Portofino · 26/03/2012 23:10

Lordy, I put up a strange MNetter during Volcanic Ash Crisis. She was absolutely fabulous! I was mildy worried that she would be much posher than me.....but that was that....

McFluffster · 26/03/2012 23:11

I'd let her stay! It's only one night and you might like her.

noinspiration · 26/03/2012 23:13

I'm afraid you'd look a bit weird if you said she couldn't come. You don't have to like friends' partners, but you do have to be welcoming to them.

Original poster

noblegiraffe · 26/03/2012 23:14

It's probably not 'the one' and he wants us to meet her, as he asked the same thing a year or two ago and we said no because we had a non-sleeping baby - he was seeing someone completely different by the time the visit came around. He asked if it was ok to bring a guest, didn't even say girlfriend, let alone give a name. About 4 months back he said he was dating someone new (he gets around a lot) but didn't give a name or details then either. I've looked at his facebook and there are no obvious candidates as to who it might be.

Which just makes me think it's slightly odd that he'd want to bring her.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 26/03/2012 23:17

Why aren't you just asking him, who he wants to bring and why

sozzledchops · 26/03/2012 23:20

Wouldn't bother me but then I've had complete strangers come to stay before and longer than 1 night but it's up to you if you really struggle with it.

NorkyPies · 26/03/2012 23:20

Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable if you could meet her beforehand, without an overnight stay. I would have feelings similar to yours. I've also been in the position of the girlfriend (ie invited to go as guest to people I hadn't met before) and felt very uncomfortable about it.

1950sHousewife · 26/03/2012 23:25

YABU.
And I would be annoyed if I was your DH and my friend couldn't come and see me because you hadn't been introduced to their partner in some kind of Victorian tea dance tradition first.
I thought this must have meant you didn't want them to stay a week or two or something. That i could understand. But a night? Seems precious.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2012 23:33

just the one night ?

it's a woman you haven't met ?

you've stalked him to try and find out who it might be ?

He "gets around a bit" ?

erm, YABU

Original poster

noblegiraffe · 26/03/2012 23:34

My DH thinks it's weird too, so I don't have to worry about annoying him by refusing hospitality to this unknown girl.

I suppose I have my doubts about who he might turn up with. Previously he had a long-term relationship with a very nice woman who I would have happily put-up overnight. But they split up and since then he has had fuck-buddies and internet shags, more than one girl on the go at the same time and dated the odd teenager (he's in his twenties). So a) I don't have a clue what she'd be like (or how old) and b) don't really want to go to an effort for someone who probably won't be around long.

OP posts:

1950sHousewife · 26/03/2012 23:37

That makes more sense.
So what you do, put this friend up, tell your DH to take them out to the pub and a curry (his mates afterall) so you don't have to put up with their company in the evening (therefore not much effort) and then tell them they need to be out of the house by 8.30 the next morning because you have ? I don't know? the pest control officer coming over.
DH will be happy, he gets a night out. You'll be happy, you can watch Titanic in peace and this couple will be happy.
Job done.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 26/03/2012 23:45

It's up to you who you want in your space, but personally if it was just one night I'd go for it provided I had somewhere to put an extra guest. I have a few personal space issues and get mildly stressy about having anyone to stay overnight except for a very few of my friends one at a time, but on the other hand I have been the girlfriend who never met some of my ex's friends and only met others a month or so before breaking up - after the damage was already done - because nobody wanted an extra person in their house and they lived too far away to visit on a day trip. Ok, he isn't advertising a relationship on facebook, kind of annoying as you know nothing about his new gf - but how about asking him for more details? You'd need to do that anyway if you're planning activities for the four of you to do together - even just for eating you'd need to know if she's vegetarian/kosher/suffering from deathly allergies/all three with a side order of pickiness . Asking about that sort of thing can be a stealthy way of asking how serious they are as a couple. Even if they aren't planning to announce their engagement, it isn't like he's bringing a one-night stand back to your house and doing her on the floor in front of your kids. (If he does, you are totally nbu to ban him from the premises!)

FashionEaster · 26/03/2012 23:55

My exH had a similar ex-friend. There were a number of straws that broke the camel's back of their friendship, including bringing his latest gf who'd we'd never met before to stay (she was less attractive friend of the girl he was really interested in) and they noisily shagged in the bath all morning!

But this was an exception and who knows, you might get on really well.

Original poster

noblegiraffe · 27/03/2012 08:23

Oh god I was starting to lean towards 'my house is your house' and 'how bad could it be' but that shagging in the bath story has set me right back.

OP posts:

Shutupanddrive · 27/03/2012 08:36

Here's an idea. Why don't you ask him who the guest is? Your making a lot of assumptions, and even searching his Facebook page for clues! Just ask then decide.

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