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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a stranger staying in my house

53 replies

noblegiraffe · 26/03/2012 22:33

A friend and ex-colleague of DH's moved to a different city a couple of hours away a few years ago. We've stayed sporadically in touch and meet up maybe 2 or 3 times a year in either city. He usually stays overnight when he comes to ours.

Anyway, he has said he would like to visit soon, and could he bring a guest? I'm assuming he means a girlfriend, of which there have been a few in recent years and whose name I don't even know.

I'm not great at meeting new people, nor at hosting overnight stays and don't even particularly want to meet her, let alone have her staying at my house. It's not like it's a long-term girlfriend that he wants to introduce, in fact I'm not even sure why he wants her there. AIBU to think he's being a bit presumptuous and to say 'No, I'd rather you came on your own'? Or am I just socially weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
noblegiraffe · 27/03/2012 08:42

Because if I don't know who it is he has in mind, then it's not personal if I say no.

If you say 'who do you have in mind?' and he says 'my 17 year old fuck buddy' then a refusal is a judgement on her.

OP posts:
knowitallstrikesagain · 27/03/2012 08:50

I think YABU. If this man is a friend, credit him with not bringing a seriel killer into your home/shagging his 17yo FB on the living room carpet. If you don't trust him, don't invite him to stay.

Some people don't like to waste time with someone they know is not 'the one' and move on quickly. Some stick with one person they do not much like for life because they are scared they will not find better. I would offer my home to either of these people if they were my friend, and their partners.

You offer hospitality to a friend and should not put conditions on that. If you feel they are the kind of person who needs conditions attached to a visit, they are probably not someone you actually want to be friends with.

Snowboarder · 27/03/2012 08:58

I'm sure DH's friends raised a few eyebrows when he started seeing me - he was in his twenties and I was 'a teen' as you put it (19 actually). 8 years on we're married with (almost) 2 children. I'm glad they didn't avoid meeting me or have such negative thoughts about me just because I was new into DH's life and a bit younger.

All partners have to start out as new partners don't they? Why not give her a chance, she might turn out to be lovely.

Snowboarder · 27/03/2012 09:01

By the way, one of my DH's friends who I also think of as my own has had numerous girlfriends and has brought a fair few of them with him when he's come to stay with us (not all at once, I might add). Sadly none have lasted but all have been lovely women, even the younger ones! I trust his judgement and I know he wouldn't bring anyone into our home who wasn't 'appropriate'.

exoticfruits · 27/03/2012 09:15

You are perfectly entitled to refuse, but I would much prefer the friendly, open house approach.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/03/2012 09:21

YABU and judgy. All of your objections (apart from the weird, circular 'We haven't been introduced' one ? if the person came to stay, you would be introduced then, no? Hmm) seem to be about your DH's friend's dating habits. In short, it sounds as though you disapprove of him 'getting around' and have fixed ideas about 'suitable' ages and sorts of people.

Also you're assuming that it's a sexual partner he's bringing.

Calabria · 27/03/2012 10:35

YANBU to not want a stranger staying in your house. However you may find you get on well with this person.

Some years ago my newish husband invited someone he knew fairly well but I'd never met to stay for three weeks!

I was not happy, especially being pregnant and all. But, we got on really well and I now consider her to be one of my closest friends.

Original poster
noblegiraffe · 27/03/2012 11:12

Argh. Am torn between my desire to say no because the prospect will stress me out (am socially awkward) and my desire to not be weird.

I still think it was odd that he asked. It's not like we've got a fun itinerary, we've got a toddler, so at best there'll be time spent in the park, a meal in a child-friendly establishment and a quiet night in catching up. Hardly what I'd want to do with a boyfriend of a few months.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/03/2012 19:11

How will you ever get to know new people with that attitude? Do you think you know enough people now?

If you were seeing someone and he was visiting friends, wouldn't you want to go? When you started seeing your husband, how would you have felt knowing his friends didn't want to meet you?

blubberyboo · 27/03/2012 19:21

i have to say i wouldn't like it either....especially as not long term partner. is he going to come to stay next month with a different partner?..what does that say to your kids?

i prob would let her come for one night but i would make it clear to the guy that he won't be able to bring a diff partner every time he comes to stay

redwineformethanks · 27/03/2012 20:38

Only one night, I think YABU and would be nice to offer some hospitality

Original poster
noblegiraffe · 27/03/2012 21:20

Well, I replied quizzically re 'the guest' and after a couple of exchanges only managed to establish that it was 'a ladyfriend'. So not even his girlfriend. It was a bit strange to me that he was asking to bring someone to our house but not actually saying anything about her - not even her name or how he knows her. So I was a bit Hmm about this and about whether some random girl he's presumably sleeping with would be particularly happy at travelling 100 miles to meet me, DH and DS for a quiet child-friendly weekend and requested that he just come on his own. Which he said was fine. Phew.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 27/03/2012 21:35

I can't stand having people to stay with the exception of my parents/brothers or close friends so I don't think YABU or weird.

squeakytoy · 27/03/2012 21:38

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable and more than a bit weird.

He is bringing her with him. He will introduce her to you.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2012 21:47

Why is the OP weird for not wanting someone she has never met staying in her house?
Especially as she has explained that their friend has 'form' for being with women he barely knows either.

Why should the OP feel uncomfortable in her own home?

exoticfruits · 28/03/2012 08:07

She isn't weird-it is just a different way of doing things. I prefer a sociable, open house, with everyone welcome. A stranger may quite possibly be a future friend.

2rebecca · 28/03/2012 09:29

I don't think you are unreasonable. If I was asking to take someone to a friend's house (and he doesn't sound like a close friend) I would expect to tell them details of who the friend is, how long we've been together etc. If he wants to be mysterious about it he can book a hotel and just meet up with you in the evening.
As it's your husband's friend I'd leave it up to him to decide though as it's just 1 night.
I wouldn't expect my husband to be deciding whether or not I could have a guest + friend to stay for 1 night occasionally. We'd discuss it but I'd expect the final decision to be mine. Different if you're talking about a longer stay.

Paiviaso · 28/03/2012 11:20

I think it is odd for a friend to ask to bring a guest to stay with you but give no details of who this guest is.

I would have thought it should go a bit like, "Would you mind if I brought my friend Dan? He has always wanted to visit Yourcity, and I think you'd really get on." or "I like to bring Shannon, we've been dating for a bit and she's really cool, I thought we could all do X together when we visit."

He sounds a bit entitled.

YANBU.

exoticfruits · 28/03/2012 17:18

It depends on the person. Some people don't like it, some people are laid back and don't in the least mind. I can't see the harm in asking-you can say 'no'-it isn't as if they just turned up.

bobbledunk · 28/03/2012 17:28

I'd want to know a bit about the person first, if you don't trust this man's taste (and I have a friend whose partner is not allowed into my home or near my baby because he is a violent, nasty man) and he is not giving you any details, you are right to be wary, if your gut is telling you no, say noSmile. Most people are very trustworthy and can be trusted not to bring trouble in to your home, some people have no sense at all. You know better in this situation than anybody here.

Original poster
noblegiraffe · 28/03/2012 20:43

Thanks to those of you who said I'm not being weird or unreasonable, it was quite nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts!

I'm slightly shocked at how many of you seem to favour a completely open house, re houseguests, I know a couple of people like that and am constantly amazed at how they cope with a stream of random people through their door.

OP posts:
kerala · 28/03/2012 21:30

You would hate my life I have foreign students to stay who are always random strangers. So don't really get your concerns but each to their own.

Original poster
noblegiraffe · 28/03/2012 21:45

My mum hosted foreign students for years when I was a teenager! That was fine as you are not expected to socialise and make friends with them, it's more business-like.

OP posts:
upahill · 28/03/2012 21:50

They are not randoms noblegiraffe they are friends! it's not like DH has dragged someone of the street and said 'Oi you, you can shack up here for the night if you want'

Also it's not like it's every month. Only now and then.
It's DH's house as much as it is mine.

DH and mate may come back from the pub, carry on drinking and nattering, mate will kip in a sleeping bag and soon be gone.

It's the kids and sleepovers that's the pain now that has become a weekly thing!!

upahill · 28/03/2012 21:52

OOPs I'm getting threads mixed up!!

I