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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

controlled feeding keeping neighbours awake.

58 replies

tiredneighbour · 26/03/2012 20:57

I hope someone on here can give me some advice. My neighbours have a one year old baby (sweetness and light during day light hours!), they have been trying since september 2011 to get him to not want feeding between the hours of 10pm and 4.30am.
It's not working and we have spent the last 2 months sleeping in our living room, the furthest point from his very loud and angry screaming. He screams for an hour around midnight, then for 2-2 1/2 hours between half one/two am most nights. Meaning we lose about 3 to 4 hours sleep...
We have had a gentle chat with her about how she's doing, trying not to make things worse for her (it sounds like hell from our side of the wall, it must be beyond that for them), letting her know that we have moved into the living room. We talked about a friend who takes her baby into her bed when it cries, hoping to raise the subject of moving junior into another room, but she is very focused that her baby will sleep in its own room and be fed at her convience.
Since our chat a few weeks ago nothing has changed and the baby has been brought downstairs many times. We're considering moving into the shed now the weather is warmer!
Any ideas on how to approach this? we don't want to fall out with them (we really like them), but feel we're at a point where our lives are being compromised.

OP posts:

wellwisher · 26/03/2012 21:12

If you can't move house, call social services on them. I would.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2012 21:12

Spell out the problem exactly and if necessary talk to the council.
How have you lasted this long?

TattyDevine · 26/03/2012 21:14

Have you tried using earplugs at all?

Hassled · 26/03/2012 21:15

I think it's time to be a bit firmer.

Something along the lines of "whatever you're trying to do, it's been 6 months and it's clearly not working. We are beside ourselves with tiredness and it just isn't fair. You have to try something else. I've heard of this really good website called Mumsnet and they have a Sleep Topic".

Dozer · 26/03/2012 21:17

Have been in this situation, except we weren't friends with the neighbours, luckily (after almost a year of our sleeping in the living room) they moved (we were v v happy).

Tbh doubt you can remain on friendly terms AND deal with the noise. They probably won't move the baby unless you complain in stronger terms, and involve the council. In retrospect I would've done the latter!

Dozer · 26/03/2012 21:18

Sorry, meant can't remain on friendly terms!

SingingSands · 26/03/2012 21:20

Crikey! I sympathise with parents of babies that bawl through the night, but really, they are the parents, they love that child. It's so much worse for neighbours! You must be at breaking point. I don't know if writing a letter would help? It would at least let you get your point across - if you were to broach them in person it could end in a shouting/crying match.

Good luck!

troisgarcons · 26/03/2012 21:27

Sadly none of you bloody business how she feeds her baby

Possibly some of the most fuckwited comments I've ever seen on MN :-

We talked about a friend who takes her baby into her bed when it cries, hoping to raise the subject of moving junior into another room, but she is very focused that her baby will sleep in its own room and be fed at her convience

like, anyone care how your mate feed her baby and its about as relevent as scotch mist as to how your neighbour feeds hers.

call social services on them. I would.

And this is helpful because????

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2012 21:29

that poor baby :(

lesstalkmoreaction · 26/03/2012 21:29

Contact the local health visitor and express your concerns, explain what has been happening and it should be followed up. The child will soon be due vaccinations and it could be used as an opportunity to ask the parents how they are coping. If no joy follow it up with speaking to a community worker at your local childrens centre.
I really think you have put up with it for long enough.

Firawla · 26/03/2012 21:31

yanbu!! i don't get people like this - the baby is screaming for hours they should just feed him/her, then im sure it would go back to sleep! why do people insist on doing this almost as if to win some kind of battle??? its just mad..
i understand people having babies difficult to settle, even after feeding they wont sleep but if its this controlled feed thing i find that awful

think you should say to them as someone else said "youve been trying this for 6 months and its not working, you need to do something else as the noise is becoming unfair." but also i would be tempted to say something about it generally.. like ask why do they insist on doing that, although would probably come across as judging and piss them off so if you really want to preserve the relationship with them, then maybe not..

you could try earplugs? but just horrible to think of the poor baby being left to scream for ages just to prove a point of "i refuse to feed outside of designated times"

RuleBritannia · 26/03/2012 21:32

For heaven's sake, the overnight feeding will come to an end one day, won't it? Have you any children? Probably not.

Pumpster · 26/03/2012 21:36

We had neighbours complain about our 1 and 2 yo crying at night. Made me feel like crap.
Move to a detached house or get some earplugs!

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2012 21:42

pumpster... were you deliberately leaving your 12 month old to cry for around 3 hours every night when you could have stopped it?

no, didn't think so.
not the same thing at all.

I can't understand how anyone could sit and listen to a small baby crying and screaming for that long and not comfort them. every single night for months on end... knowing you could comfort them and not doing it

there is something really very badly wrong about that

VelmaDaphne · 26/03/2012 21:42

I would ring the health visitor. If the regime is not working after six months then there must be a real reason why this poor baby wants feeding in the night. A one year old shouldn't cry for that long every night over such a long period of time.

jodidi · 26/03/2012 21:48

Yanbu - When we started night-weaning dd2 we spoke to both sets of neighbours and gave them some earplugs, along with asking them to let us know if we disturbed them too much. Tbh it didn't take long to stop feeding her at night and apparently neither set of neighbours heard her, but I would definitely not have left her crying for hours in the night especially if I knew it was disturbing other people.
I completely agree that the night feeding will come to an end one day, but why do neighbours have to put up with it? It's not their child. Once my own kids sleep through reliably I would like to think I can have an undisturbed night, rather than just hoping next door don't have a baby that will keep me up half the night.

BellaOfTheBalls · 26/03/2012 21:52

They are obviously still doing something to try, however unsuccessfully and get the child back to sleep. Children don't tend to wake up night after night & just scream & scream; they learn that it doesn't work & go to sleep. That's how Gina Ford makes her money.

YANBU to want a full night's sleep in your own bed but I really don't think you can approach this with her. If the screaming is loud enough to wake you through the wall imagine how loud it is in their house. They're not sleeping either & haven't been for quite some time. And trust me as a mother of a non-sleeper they will be beyond sensitive about it; I would take it very, very personally if I was to be questioned on it. If you absolutely must get involved, ring the local health visiting team. Depending on how tactful they are they might be able to give her a "courtesy" call.

If it was me, I'd buy some wax earplugs & mind my own damn business.

RevoltingPeasant · 26/03/2012 21:53

YANBU. I feel sorry for the parents who are probably managing as best they can, but this is not like a stage the child is going through, it sounds way more long-term than that. The parents are parents first and foremost, but they are also members of a community. I have lived in semis and apartments and don't feel I can make whatever noise I want and if the neighbours don't like it 'they can go and live in a detached house'.

Yes, a baby isn't the same as most noise, but there are clearly things they could do to help, like comforting him even if they don't feed him, giving him a dummy, not moving him downstairs when you have told them that is where you are sleeping, etc.

Pumpster · 26/03/2012 21:54

Our neighbours probably thought we were just leaving them to scream. In reality we were going in and trying to soothe-bringing them into bed with us made no difference otherwise we would have!
The Council and social services would not be interested by a one year old crying at night!

RitaMorgan · 26/03/2012 21:54

Whatever they're doing is not working, and it can't continue.

Yes, babies cry - I have a 20 month old who rarely sleeps through, so I sympathise. But if you live in a terrace/semi then you have to keep night time noise to a minimum.

Fair enough if you're going to do controlled crying, give it a couple of weeks. But 6 months is anti-social!

LittleAlbert · 26/03/2012 21:54

Knock on the door in the middle of the night when you have been woken explain to them that this is unfair on you.

We live in a tenement and we have always brought our bs IRS into bed to stop them howling at night as neighbours have work and lives and should. Of be regularly woken by our children.

Mind you have just been treated to our neighbour screaming 'Get fuvked you fuvking pervert,' at her husband and slamming fours, so in that situation I'd take a howling baby any day.

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2012 21:54

no they aren't, the OP said the neighbour has been trying to get the baby not to want a feed at night
so maybe if they just fed it it would go back to sleep instead of being up for hours crying for milk

RevoltingPeasant · 26/03/2012 21:55

But yes, try earplugs first, if you haven't already. If you have, actually, I think people have some right to sleep in their own house regardless of other people's sensitive feelings!

LittleAlbert · 26/03/2012 21:55

'babies'

And 'should not,'

PooPooInMyToes · 26/03/2012 21:57

I can understand not wanting to feed the baby during the night. The baby is one after all, not a newborn.

I was lucky enough to have mine out of night feeds when they were a few months old and that didn't involve leaving them to scream at all. Instead i did the whole lights off, no stimulation at night thing, tried to settle with dummy first, swaddling and most other things under the sun, but fed baby when actually hungry. Not saying this to boast . . . just that i am amazed that after all this time the baby is still screaming for food in the night! You would think he or she would have given up months ago! The baby will be eating solids so i doubt its actually hunger. I growth spurt isn't going to last THAT long!

Does the baby have reflux? Wonder if the baby is in pain when laid flat?

Could be a comfort thing is baby otherwise settles on the boob or bottle.

No actual practical advice but you have my sympathy.

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