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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

controlled feeding keeping neighbours awake.

58 replies

tiredneighbour · 26/03/2012 20:57

I hope someone on here can give me some advice. My neighbours have a one year old baby (sweetness and light during day light hours!), they have been trying since september 2011 to get him to not want feeding between the hours of 10pm and 4.30am.
It's not working and we have spent the last 2 months sleeping in our living room, the furthest point from his very loud and angry screaming. He screams for an hour around midnight, then for 2-2 1/2 hours between half one/two am most nights. Meaning we lose about 3 to 4 hours sleep...
We have had a gentle chat with her about how she's doing, trying not to make things worse for her (it sounds like hell from our side of the wall, it must be beyond that for them), letting her know that we have moved into the living room. We talked about a friend who takes her baby into her bed when it cries, hoping to raise the subject of moving junior into another room, but she is very focused that her baby will sleep in its own room and be fed at her convience.
Since our chat a few weeks ago nothing has changed and the baby has been brought downstairs many times. We're considering moving into the shed now the weather is warmer!
Any ideas on how to approach this? we don't want to fall out with them (we really like them), but feel we're at a point where our lives are being compromised.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2012 22:01

pumpster, i do feel for you! ds2 was the same as a small baby (turned out he had multiple food intolerances and so was in pain!) but we'd be up for hours with him screaming.

I think the OP would maybe feel differently if the neighbours had said "we're so sorry, the baby wakes and screams and we can't seem to do anyhting, nothing seems to help"

but from what they've said, they're deliberately letting the child cry and have been for 6 months... that's not fair on the child or the neighbours imo.

it's easier to be tolerant of this kind of thing if you know the parents are doing everyhting they can to stop it, but when it's being done on purpose...

seeker · 26/03/2012 22:01

" That's how G F makes her money."

Nope. She makes her money by selling books. all the families for whom it doesn't work a too dispirited and too busy blaming themselves for getting it wrong to ask for their money back!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 26/03/2012 22:07

"call social services on them. I would."

"And this is helpful because????"

Because surely if they are leaving a hungry baby to cry for between one and two and a half hours because it isn't convenient for them to feed it then someone needs to be told about it. Because something is wrong. And the parents may need as much help to find out what that is and deal with it as the baby does. And social services are there to help with situations like this.

I don't think the OP should complain to the council though and I doubt they would help her at first if she did. If you look on most council websites they say (quite rightly) that babies cry and they don't consider the noise they make to be something they need to deal with under the noise regulations.

Original poster

tiredneighbour · 26/03/2012 22:12

Thanks for the helpful messages. As i am not a mother it is great to have some advice from those with more experience.

OP posts:

Pumpster · 26/03/2012 22:38

A one year old does not need feeding at night though, it's usually comfort. Yes I do give my one year old milk at night to try and shut her up soothe her but it's hardly child abuse to not feed a toddler in the night!

ilikecandyandrunning · 26/03/2012 23:07

That poor little baby. Stupid parents who only think about their 'conveniwnce'

Sadly parents putting themselves first is becoming all the more common

Heswall · 26/03/2012 23:15

Our 2 year old sounds like he's being murdered at night from time to time, he has had a full three meals plus snacks and gone to bed at 7pm. What he wants is boob at 2am and then again every 40 mins until 6.30am when weetabix will do.
So rather than kill myself and many others on the motorway driving to work DH sleeps with him on the sofa and pats him lovingly back to sleep for our "convenience" unfortunately the child is as stubborns as a mule and this has been going on for 6 months.
One day he'll sleep through and nobody will be happier than me I can tell you.

spg1983 · 26/03/2012 23:17

Wow...sorry if it's been mentioned already but I would feel absolutely mortified if someone told me that they'd felt that they couldn't sleep in their own bedroom because of something I'd done...are these people thinking straight?!

Heswall · 26/03/2012 23:18

They are probably too knackered to think straight.

fluffypillow · 26/03/2012 23:25

Babies stop waking for feeds when THEY are ready, not when the parents think they should. It's cruel to leave a baby crying like that.

I have a 15 month old, and am still up a few times a night with her. That's how it is, and won't last forever.

I really feel for you, must be hell listening to it, but those neighbours of yours should really start caring for that poor little one properly.

Sootie · 26/03/2012 23:26

Wow, that sounds tough. I can see it from both sides though. I have 2 children, DD was a very calm little baby, and so is DS on some days. Other days he will scream at 3 or 4 am for no reason. It's very frustrating for a parent to not understand what is wrong. If it is correct that they are denying their baby milk at night when he is hungry, then that is appalling. He is obviously not being fed properly with solids and milk in the evening to combat his hunger.

If you have addressed the situation with the parents, and they haven't done anything, then it's time to call the council noise pollution unit. Our one is brilliant (have used them numerous times!)

skybluepearl · 26/03/2012 23:31

I know it's awful for everyone - just keep remembering that it will come to an end at some point. Honestly.

Could you write her a nice note. Say that you really love having them as neighbours and really enjoy seeing thier little one but that you are only getting x many hours sleep a night with the crying. Say you know it must be really hard for them and maybe mention that you are so exhausted too at the moment. Don't offer any parenting advise though what ever you do - let them solve things. You could ask them to keep the baby upstairs at least as you are sleeping in the lounge

hellymelly · 26/03/2012 23:37

Grim. My dd who is four had about six weeks of nightly night terrors before Christmas and roared like a Rhino. We apologised a LOT to our lovely next-door neighbour. Luckily our walls are thick and she mainly heard DD kicking the floor rather than the shouting. (as she was prone to shouting "NO Daddy NOOO" it is lucky she isn't the type to call SS!
Anyway we brought dd downstairs to lessen the noise if she was loud (hence the "NO Daddy etc") and did everything we could to make her quieter. ( already in our bed!) Anyway I think your neighbour sounds pretty selfish. If her baby has other things going on (my best friends autistic son screamed a lot at night) then fair enough, but if its just cc then it seems cruel and clearly isn't working. I think you need to be a bit more assertive about how much its disturbing you.

MrsBeakman · 26/03/2012 23:45

FFS. Leaving a baby to scream for 3 - 4 hours a night is cruel and neglectful.

seeker · 27/03/2012 06:59

I am outraged that ANYONE thinks it's OK to let a baby scream for 3 hours a night for 6 months! Some babies do scream for no reason, but that is very rare. Most, like this one, scream for something that is easy to give them. A need, not a want. If we have the full story, then the parents are being stupid and cruel. And inconsiderate.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 27/03/2012 07:08

Before you do anything though please check that they are not doing it through some misguided advice from hv to wean off night feeds /cc/sleep training etc. It should oy have taken a few days max to work and if Its been six months and baby still crying for three hour periods then clearly baby is just not ready yet and perhaps they should work on re shuffling the day time routine to pack un more feeds and napping etc before they tackle the night. Please find out y they are doing this before acting on anything. They might just be really desperate and terrified that they are doing something wrong when in reality many babies wake for food at night even at a tear . But if they don't know that it's normal or they r getting grief from old-fashioned well meaning f&f it might explain y they are still at it :)

Heswall · 27/03/2012 07:20

This is not controlled crying or leaving the baby to cry it out of it was the baby would have given in months ago. Neighbours can't see through walls the op has no idea if this baby is being cuddled or held whilst it howls and I also find it hard to believe the baby is crying non stop for three to four hours, a few minutes at a time for three hours maybe.

carabos · 27/03/2012 08:20

Our neighbours did the same with both of their DSs. Not for hours, but certainly for up to an hour, every night for years. It is cruel and unnecessary. Unfortunately, now they aren't babies, this has graduated to full on screaming from the mum for long periods during the day and night.

I'm quite sure in the case of my neighbour that there is more going on than controlled crying or whatever you want to call it and maybe that's the case here.

valiumredhead · 27/03/2012 08:26

Babies stop waking for feeds when THEY are ready, not when the parents think they should. It's cruel to leave a baby crying like that

Ha ha ha not true! That is exactly why ds kept me up every sodding single night until he was nearly 3, I don't know WHAT I was thinking, but as soon as I just offered milk he turned into the world's best sleeper If we had had a second child it would have been a very different kettle of fish.

The baby might just be very restless at night and not settling and nothing to do with not being fed. If a one year old is getting enough food in the day it doesn't need milk at night - a one year old isn't the same as a new born.

Anyone, whatever the reason if they are just leaving the baby to cry for 3 hours it isn't on, wether it is hungry or just restless. I'm inclined to agree with heswall

valiumredhead · 27/03/2012 08:26

offered water

FlangelinaBallerina · 27/03/2012 08:26

Some tenancy agreements do actually specify that there shouldn't be any audible noise coming from the property between certain hours. Mine have always said this. They didn't make any exception for babies. Whether that's realistic or not is another issue, but if they're renting, it's quite possible that they're breaking that clause. I wouldn't be so certain the council won't be interested either. You can report noisy neighbours, and certainly in my area the procedure is normally for the council to send out a diary and some recording equipment. There'd be nothing to stop OP doing this too. Wouldn't be my preferred course of action, mind. But it might be an option.

somewherewest · 27/03/2012 08:42

There's nothing selfish about wanting a one year old to sleep through the night (there is a difference between parenting and martyrdom!), but something really, really isn't working here. You could try suggesting that they check the baby for underlying medical issues first, and then maybe try a sleep consultant. A consultant would set them back about £250 but it sounds like its worth it. I've heard a lot of positive things about Andrea Grace (just google).

bumbleymummy · 27/03/2012 08:51

It's not just about food though is it - the baby could be thirsty or just need comforted and it is a bit mean to ignore either of those needs.

TroublesomeEx · 27/03/2012 09:10

Sounds like a hungry baby who isn't learning it's lesson to me.

bumbleymummy · 27/03/2012 09:52

'learning its lesson' :(

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